The Little Things

by myonlinelifeismorephantastic

Love is a big and beautiful thing. So doesn't that mean it needs a gesture equally as grand to prove it? A Phan One Shot

Dan sighed through a smile once more as his eyes glanced over the loopy handwriting of his boyfriend's short love letter. More of a love Post-It note really, but it had made Dan smile when he'd found the sentiment stuck to the keyboard of his laptop. Obviously Phil had placed it there in secret with the intent of brightening his boyfriends day; Phil did so love to make the younger boy smile, that particular smile that only ever crossed Dan's face where Phil was involved.

This time however, Dan's reaction maybe wasn't quite what Phil had been hoping for, as the clichéd feeling of butterflies was tainted with an ever-growing feeling of frustration for Dan. This feeling stemmed from a long standing belief of Dan's that he still wasn't good enough for Phil, no matter how many times the older boy tried to convince him otherwise. It had been years and years, and although Dan himself argued he obviously must be good enough, otherwise Phil wouldn't still be here, he couldn't help but feel he still was never quite up to scratch. Especially when things like the Post-It note happened.

Phil was always doing cute things like that for Dan; leaving small notes like that lying around for him to find, texting him flirty compliments completely out of the blue, writing messages in the condensation on the bathroom mirror, buying him Malteasers from the shop before Dan even had to ask… And all for no apparent reason other than what Phil claimed: 'Just to know you're smiling'. And most of the time Dan did smile. He loved it when Phil did all these adorable romantic things; Phil always made sure Dan felt loved. But Dan had never been so great at expressing his feelings back.

Sure, he knew Phil was well aware of how much he loved him, and Dan made every effort to remember to tell Phil at every chance he got, but when it came to love, Dan simply was never sure how to express it more fluently beyond a simple 'I love you'.

He wanted to be more creative, he really did. He wanted to take everything Phil did that he loved the most and do something just as sweet back, but the truth was Dan just wasn't the greatest romantic. No matter how hard he tried it seemed he simply could never gain the inspiration to plan some extravagant expression of his love for his boyfriend, so it always ended up the same; Dan getting caught up in Phil's eyes, or the way he walked, or something, and blurting out what Dan always saw as a hurried 'I love you' with nothing more than a soft smile as Phil would blush. Dan never thought that was good enough for Phil, after all, he felt so much more than simply 'love' for Phil. Dan just never knew how to express how deep his feelings really were, or he felt embarrassed to.

But he knew Phil deserved better than that. Phil was special, not just to Dan, to the world, and he deserved to have someone do something thoughtful for him for a change. That someone had to be Dan. He just felt rather useless otherwise. What was the point of being Phil's boyfriend if he never seemed able to express any form of affection? Phil would love it, Dan was sure, if only he could think of some creative way to do it.

Dan thought and thought and thought; the rest of his day was dedicated to the task, but no inspiration hit. The brown haired boy began to grow distressed, worried the longer he went never doing anything for Phil the closer Phil might grow to resentment. It wasn't fair, not on Phil, why couldn't Dan just think of something Phil would love?

Eventually Dan gave up, not on the idea totally, but he knew no matter how long he sat there straining his brain, he'd probably never hit upon the perfect idea to really wow Phil. So instead he settled for the clichéd, figuring it was better than nothing, at least, wasn't it? Dan certainly hoped it would be enough for his boyfriend to see he cared.

'I'll probably be back late, Dan,' Phil called from the hallway on his way out one day, the sound of his voice drifting its way into Dan's preoccupied mind, causing him to jump up from the sofa crease and run, skidding into the hallway to catch Phil before he left.

'You don't need to wait up for dinner if you're hungry, kay. I'll just make something for myself when I get back from Louise's,' Phil informed his still slightly spaced out boyfriend. Dan was a little lost in his own world, romantic planning mode going into overdrive as he realised tonight was his chance; Phil would be gone all afternoon at Louise's house to film a video. Key aspect to the 'surprise' part of the plan that Phil was out of the way for a while gave Dan his opportunity.

'How late are you going to be?' Dan questioned once Phil had obliged to pull him into a small goodbye-for-now hug, kissing Dan's cheek before pulling away.

'Hmm? Oh, well, knowing Louise it could be a while. Probably sometime around 7 though, I'm guessing, maybe 8. I'll text you,' Phil decided, still holding Dan close as he looked between Dan's warm brown eyes, the most beautiful shade of brown in Phil's opinion.

'Okay,' Dan replied, nodding vaguely, still a little spacey, lost deep in thought, which came across as upset to Phil whose expression grew sympathetically amused in return.

'Aww, are you going to miss me?' Phil answered through his signature grin, tongue poking through from between his teeth. This was a stupid question in Dan's opinion; who wouldn't miss the warmth Phil brought to anyone's life?

'Of course,' he replied matter-of-factly; he couldn't fathom any other answer to that question. He always missed Phil, sometimes even when he was in the same room as him. Like right now, Dan missed him already, never mind the fact Phil's arms were still wrapped loosely around Dan's waist, his lips mere centimeters from Dan's own, Phil's cheeks so close and flushed such an amazing pink, gaze averted momentarily. He looked so beautiful right now, Dan thought, he never wanted to let go, but of course, it was vital for the plan.

'I love you too, beautiful,' Phil murmured meaning it was Dan's turn to blush, even through the slight frown that followed Phil's words, the outward representation of Dan's new confusion; he hadn't said 'I love you' to Phil just then, why had Phil replied 'too'?

That was a question for another time, Dan decided. Right now he was focusing on Operation: Romantic Night In For Phil. Well, right now he was focusing on Phil's lips quickly closing in on his own again, and all the sensations that followed that glorious act, but he'd be focusing on the Operation in a few minutes.

'I'll see you later tonight, miss you too.' Phil's voice was barely a murmur over Dan's lips, and Dan didn't want Phil to let go. Of course, Phil did, but he paused to brush straightened brown hair away from his lover's eyes with a smile.

'Bye then.' Dan's tone was sad now, Operation or no Operation, he never liked being out of Phil's company. It made him feel lonely again. Phil didn't like leaving either, he knew what sort of a state it put Dan into, and life was always a little duller for Phil when Dan wasn't around. Neither of the pairing was good at good-byes; they were often dragged out, and a little clingy, but sometimes they had to happen. Dan only hoped what he was planning for tonight would, in part, be there to show Phil just how much he did miss him, truly, when he was gone.

One final shared smile and another stolen kiss and Phil was out the door. And Dan was set in Operation Mode.

'Okay, okay, um, make a list, be organized, don't procrastinate,' Dan muttered to himself, turning straight from the door to begin pacing the length of the hallway, a familiar nervous habit.

'Try not to panic, I'm sure Phil will like it, I mean, romantic dinner, what's not to like, right? But oh god, it's so clichéd, does it even count as something thoughtful to do anymore anyway? Phil's just going to think it's so boring, especially compared to everything he does for me! That time with the bubble bath, then those heart shaped cookies he spent an entire afternoon baking, just cause he got bored and missed me when I was busy filming! Don't even get me started on our one-year anniversary; I didn't even remember the name of the restaurant we'd had our first proper date in until Phil took me back there! That's crap, that's pathetic, what's even the point of trying?

'No, no, you can't think like that, that's being negative, remember what Phil told you about being too negative, especially on yourself, not to be, that's what he said, this is better than nothing remember, and I'll make it really romantic, like really romantic. All right, um, think Dan, what's romantic, what's Phil done in the past? No, you can't just copy him, that doesn't mean anything, this has to be you, come on, come on, romantic dinner, romantic dinner, romantic candlelit dinner! Yes!'

Candles were pulled enthusiastically out of cupboards. Every candle that existed within the apartment found its way to a new home atop various surfaces: shelves, tables, countertops. Dan obliged not to balance one in the soil of a houseplant.

'Okay, uh, dim lighting, candles, ooh, romantic playlist on Spotify? No that's too lazy. I'll make a playlist.'

Much later, after careful consideration of each and every song, Dan had a playlist he was happy with. Predictably it contained a great deal of Muse, probably too much Muse, but Dan figured his boyfriend wouldn't quite appreciate Kanye as much as he did.

So to the sounds of romantic classics, well, Aftermath, the pressure was on for Dan to get down to the actual cooking of dinner, sort of a key component for a romantic night in, food, especially for them. One problem Dan quickly discovered however, there was absolutely nothing romantic in the way of food in the apartment. Dan wasn't even sure what counted as romantic food, to be perfectly honest.

'How is food even supposed to be romantic?' He muttered in a quick dash to the grocery store, hoping the local Tesco's would hold something of value. Hating himself a little at the complete lack of originality, Dan had resorted to googling the most romantic meal he could prepare. What the Internet had provided him with was lobster, and a chocolate fondue for dessert. Surely that couldn't be too hard, right?

'I've got no idea who looked at a lobster of all creatures and decided that should be the most romantic of all meals. Ugh.' Dan shuddered in the race back home with his purchases. He only had two hours, he figured, to work out how to cook everything right and make it at least a little presentable. Then of course he'd need to get himself presentable after the food was, and oh god, the entire apartment was such a mess, wouldn't that just totally ruin the mood? He'd have to clean too.

'No, okay, calm, first things first, learn how to cook a lobster so you don't give Phil lobster salmonella or something,' Dan muttered, feeling generally positive about this whole thing now. He had his atmosphere set; he was determined not to mess this up, not to let Phil down. All he was thinking about now was the look he'd see on Phil's face when he finally got home, opening the door, stepping in from the cold, calling down the hallway to his boyfriend, walking towards the kitchen trying to find him, and then when he did, he'd walk into the room and the lighting would be all low and romantic and Phil's favourite song would be playing and his face would split into that beautiful, beautiful smile as he realised what Dan had done for him. And Dan could pour some champagne, handing it to Phil making a toast to their love, and Phil would be all flustered and flattered and a little confused.

Dan, all of this is amazing. But why are you doing it? Phil would ask and Dan would smile kindly back, taking Phil's glass before taking his hand and pulling him much closer. Just to show you how much you mean to me. You deserve that much, don't you? Dan would reply and Phil's cheeks would highlight pink in the candle light as Dan drew him closer still, eyes dropping to the soft pink of Phil's lips, so perfectly matching the blush in his cheeks, and the mood would be gentle… hesitant… sensual.

Dan's eyes were closed now as he lost himself to the fantasy of the evening, knowing just how it would feel to be unable to resist Phil, leaning in closer, feeling Phil's soft breath as nothing more than a sigh across his skin as the slightly shorter boy relaxed into him. The way Dan could let his lips just lightly skim over Phil's and they'd pause there, one of Dan's favourite places to be, so close to kissing Phil without quite reaching the act, knowing all too well how Phil would quickly fall desperate for Dan's touch, breathing heavy against him and Dan could whisper how much he loved Phil before finally letting their lips slide together like they both wanted.

'Oh crap, champagne!' Dan cried, frustrated, face palming, as the sudden thought of what he'd forgotten to pick up broke him out of his little fantasy land.

Some twenty minutes later Dan was back, sure he had everything he needed now, but panicking anyway; he was getting seriously pushed for time. He began to worry he wasn't going to make it, he wasn't going to have enough time left before Phil made it home to fit in everything he needed to. Ugh, what if his hair was still wet from the shower by the time Phil got back, and then it went all curly! Or what if the food wasn't ready and Dan just kept him around waiting for dinner when Phil was sure to be starving after a productive afternoon filming?

'Planning is such a nightmare,' Dan worried to himself as he got to work on the food, champagne in the fridge, recipe googled, Delia Smith naturally. But with only an hour and a half to go until Phil's promised return, disaster was not something Dan had planned for, and an inevitable failure was only the worst thing that could happen right now.

First off, in the entire collection of pots and pans Dan couldn't seem to find one that was lobster shaped. It was a bit annoying, he thought, that the recipe called for such an enormous pot, stupid stock pots, when he figured not everyone is going to have one of those knocking about. This picture looked like a giant metal bucket for fucks sake. He had to make do with the biggest pot they had, which was only about half the recommended size.

Second, how in the hell do you tell when a lobster is cooked?! The stupid Internet said when the shell turns red. Then it went on to say this wasn't the best indicator to go by. Dan wasn't sure which line of the same article to believe. When deciding upon lobster Dan also failed to consider how messy it was likely to be. And apparently he'd never stopped to think about just how barbaric the whole ritual was, savagely breaking into and ripping apart the poor creature's shell to clamber at the meat inside. The more Dan thought about that the more disgusted he became, until he really wasn't sure how this meal was going to be romantically enjoyable in the slightest. But it was sort of too late to turn back now.

Then there was the issue of melting chocolate. The Internet called for a double boiler, but again, who was flipping fancy enough to have one of those, Dan wondered. He opted for convenient use of the microwave as his method of choice for melting, all integral in his plan for chocolate dipped strawberries.

The microwave however, deciding it was totally against the idea of Dan having a romantic night in with Phil, maybe it was just jealous, burnt the chocolate. Beyond melting it in the bowl, the chocolate was now nothing more than blackened sludge and the whole kitchen smelt horrific. That would have been another rushed trip to Tesco's but Dan didn't exactly feel safe leaving a pot of boiling water with Satan of the Ocean alone in the apartment. Somehow he was sure the whole thing would set fire and well, Phil wouldn't be too happy if he came back to the fire brigade putting out his burning apartment, Dan was sure.

Instead he had to opt for packet mix brownies and strawberries, not quite as romantic or aesthetic, but it was the closest he was going to get to dessert tonight without leaving the house. Dan had never mixed anything faster in his life. Restraining even from pausing to lick the bowl, an impressive feat, the brownies were ready to go in the oven before it was even up to temperature.

But Dan was flapping now. Everything was supposed to have gone perfectly but so far, nothing had worked out as he'd expected. He couldn't afford any more failures, it was nearly 7, and the water in this giant freaking lobster pot seemingly refused to boil. Dan knew, he kept checking it every few minutes in his paranoia, but all he got was steam to the face, condensation clinging in his hair, which quickly gave it all up and began to curl at the tips. As time went on Dan couldn't help but worry over the fact everything about today so far had been a disaster.

Little disasters maybe, but all along the way, they all added to Dan's building stress. The final straw, however, was when he glanced at the clock, realised it was closing in on 7:30, surely Phil would be home soon, went to check on the lobster in a flustered panic, and realised this whole time he'd been 'leaving it to steam', the electric stove hadn't even been turned on. The water was stone cold, the lobster staring dejectedly back at Dan, and he couldn't take the pressure anymore. In the middle of the kitchen Dan broke down crying on what was supposed to have been his special night with Phil. A night that certainly didn't look like it was going to happen anymore.

Nothing was cooked now, and there was nothing else to eat in the house. All Dan had to show for his efforts was a cold lobster, some strangely lumpy brownies, and a bowl of strawberries. It wasn't exactly representative of Dan's romantic intentions. Or maybe it was.

'Oh my god,' Dan freaked out, sinking down to the ground, tucking his knees up to his chest and burying his face there. His distressed sobs drowned out the sounds of the front door opening, marking the return of his boyfriend.

'Oh my god. I'm just a shit boyfriend. Phil doesn't deserve this crap. I can't do anything right for him, even when I try. This was so fucking lame why did I even bother, fucking candles everywhere, it's so dark in here I can't even see anything. It's all the fucking lobster's fault,' he shouted suddenly, standing up to push the pot roughly off the stove. 'If you just fucking cooked right, you're so stupid, ugh this is so stupid, I'm so stupid. Why do I bother? Oh my god, Phil deserves so much better than this! So much better than me, I'm pathetic!

'I try and it all just fucks up, and Phil's there all perfect, all the time, and doing amazing little things for me, and I'm just such a fuck up, what's the point?!'

Dan ranted angrily, tears dripping down his flushed cheeks, hair a curly mess, displaced from it's usual carefully aligned side sweep, flour and chocolate coating his clothes which he hadn't had time to change, he'd been too stressed out. And he was still so upset now that he didn't notice his boyfriend quietly standing in the doorway, watching, his heart silently breaking at the sight, and at Dan's harsh words.

'I just wanted to fucking do something nice for him for a change!' Dan continued to shout at the lobster, his voice mangled by the choking sobs that wracked his body. 'Something that meant something. I never tell him how much he means to me, and I need to, that's all I wanted to do! I just wanted to show him how much I care, and now I can't. Why'd you have to make it so difficult? Oh what do you know? You're a stupid lobster for gods sake!'

Phil listened quietly until he couldn't bear to hear Dan say one more negative thing about himself. He simply wouldn't stand for it; Dan didn't deserve to hate himself this much, not at all.

'The fact that you're getting this upset over a stupid lobster shows me how much you care Dan.'

From the doorway Phil finally spoke up, unable to let Dan believe any longer he didn't know how dearly the younger boy cared for him. But Phil's voice came as a shock to Dan, stunning him into silence, sobs now quiet, but still wracking his body as he spun around. Dan hastily wiped his eyes, well aware of how much of a mess he must look now, but feeling warmer when he sees Phil standing in the doorway. Phil there, with his arms open, offering comfort, and love, and a soft, beautiful smile that melts Dan's heart much better than a microwave melts chocolate.

'Come here,' Phil murmurs softly, voice barely heard over the sound of Muse in the background. Aftermath again, an appropriate song choice, Dan feels, for the moment. And with his own small smile, Dan rushes forward into Phil's outstretched arms, falling in love with the heartbreaking expression Phil is giving him, blue eyes so warm and full to the brim with nothing less than pure affection. Phil pulls Dan into a close and passionate kiss, lips lingering and Dan sighs, knowing before Phil even says anything more that suddenly nothing he'd done today would change what Phil knew anyway. Phil's kiss now communicated exactly what he'd intended with it; for Dan to know his love was dear and felt by Phil whether the poor boy was trying or not, and mostly that it was reciprocated.

'You didn't have to go to all this trouble for me Dan,' Phil murmurs against Dan's lips. Clarification was entwined with another kiss, before Phil's pulling back and looking up between his boyfriend's deep brown eyes, unable to decide which of his features is the most beautiful. All of Dan is, to Phil, every last thing about the boy.

'But I, I wanted to prove, to you, how much I love you. You, you deserve something...special, I thought some… grand gesture-' Dan stuttered, stumbled his way to an explanation, and Phil only smiles wistfully, cutting the younger boy off with a gentle finger over his lips, before Phil's hand is ghosting across Dan's face to push his curling fringe out his eyes.

'Dan, oh Dan, darling, you show me that everyday,' Phil murmured, keeping his hand high to cup Dan's cheek gently, smiling as Dan leant into the contact, frowning down at Phil, unsure. 'You don't need a lobster to prove it,' he added with Dan's favourite small laugh, a laugh that ended up on Dan's lips again, where he liked it best.

'You let me know how much you love me in every little thing you do, and you know, sometimes it's the little things, rather than the grand gestures, that count the most.'

The little things, that was what Phil adored in Dan, whenever that affection shone through. Like how he was always complimented Phil on his appearance, sometimes he could never quite tear his gaze away. And the way Dan always held Phil's hand, when they were walking someplace, standing together on the tube, even just lounging around at home on the sofa. There was the way Dan always tried to make Phil laugh, and always stood up for him. Then how Phil knew Dan could confide anything and everything in him, that Dan trusted him. Little things like how much Phil could see Dan missed him when they were apart, and how happy he always was when they were together again.

Most importantly, and also most simply, however, was that he never forgot to mention 'I love you'. No matter how busy and hectic their lives became, how stressed Dan was, or preoccupied with anything, whether that was a video or an existential crisis, Dan never failed to simply tell Phil 'I love you', and it lit up Phil's heart like a firecracker every time.

'Those are the things, Dan, that really mean something to me.'

'I love you.'