Light Yagami was sitting in his room writing names in his Death Note. Ryuk was leaving him alone for once, eating apples as he normally did and laughing frantically. Light found it annoying while he was writing names, but it was better than him talking to him and being a distraction.
"Hey Light," Ryuk then broke his concentration. Light quickly finished writing the name he was already spelling in his Death Note and turned to see Ryuk.
"What is it?" he asked with a sigh.
"Did you know that if you hold your tongue down while you say the word 'apple' it sounds like you're saying 'asshole'?"
Light sighed, then proceeded to continue writing names of unrighteous men.
"C'mon," Ryuk pestered him, "just try it." He stuck out his tongue and held it. "Asshpole. Hahaha! By the way, your dad's coming."
"What?!" Light freaked out. He quickly slammed the Death Note shut and threw it in his hiding place. He opened his "Biology for Bishonens" textbook and pretended he was reading. Light's dad, Soichiro, opened the door.
"Light?" he asked stepping in. "Are you busy? There's something I need to talk to you about." His father had a nervous look on his face, almost like he didn't want to be talking about this.
What could it possibly be? Light asked himself. He shouldn't know that I'm Kira. Maybe I forgot to do one of my many bishonen chores?
"What is it, father?" Light replied, keeping a calm state of mind. "Is something wrong?"
"N-no," Soichiro replied. "Well, yes and no. God, this is difficult to explain."
"Father," Light approached his father cautiously, "what's bothering you? Is it something with the case?"
"No, it's..." his father breathed in for a moment, Light felt a bit nervous. "Son, a man's body is sacred."
"I'm sorry?" Light was now confused. He didn't like being confused. Ryuk then started laughing manically again. "Guess you shouldn't have bought all those pornos after all."
The dirty magazines! Light realized. My father must have watched some of the footage with L. Now he thinks I'm one of those pervy bishonens!
"I understand that at your age you can get...confused," Soichiro continued, his face getting red. "Which is why I've decided to give you...the talk."
Oh Future Me no!
"May I have a seat on your bed?" Soichiro asked. Light realized it would have been even more awkward to decline the invitation, so he motioned his father to sit down.
"You really don't have to do this," Light urged his father. "I've taken Honor's Sex Ed."
"Yes, but there are somethings I just want to make sure of."
Ryuk was now laughing up a wall. "This is gonna be gooooooood." Him being here only made Light more pissed off.
"First I just need to cover the basics," Soichiro began. "So...when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much..."
"Father," Light interrupted, "I'm not twelve. I know all about that."
"Ahh," Soichiro sighed, "that's good. Then I can skip to the fisting."
"The...what?!" Light shrieked. Ryuk was now laughing like a drunken hyena watching Monty Python. Soichiro coughed and continued.
"Yes, see the man makes a fist, and then he rams it..."
"I really don't think this is necessary!" Light interrupted. "Besides, I would never do such a depraved act."
"Then should I tell you about the 69?" Soichiro asked.
"No!"
"The Frosted Piglets?"
"What?!"
"The Squirrel Hoarding Nuts?"
"Huh?!"
"The Old King Clancy, but only Canadian girls can do that one."
"Please..."
"The Iced Twinkee? That's how you were conceived, by the way."
Light didn't want to know that he was brought into this world by doing such an act only known as an "Iced Twinkee" and he couldn't stand to hear any more.
"Father, please stop this!" Light yelled. Soichiro stopped making his list of sexual acts. Ryuk was now on the floor, crying with laughter.
"Light," Soichiro said, "I feel like I should just go through all of this to make sure I know where you're at. Before I get into the other things."
"Other things?" Light reluctantly asked as he shuddered slightly. Soichiro then gave Light a stern look.
"Light, I realize that a man your age has desires and passions. Plus all the bishonen work we have you do can add stress to you. So it's only natural for you to give into those passions to relieve a little stress."
"Okay," Light replied quietly. This was the part he had been dreading, mainly because he wasn't sure how he would handle it. Should I defend the location of the magazines to keep the cover, or should I be open with my father?
"Son, I want a honest answer," Soichiro questioned. "Have you been spanking the monkey?"
"Spanking the...what?"
"You know...polishing the flesh sword."
"Um..."
"Is my son going to go blind or not?!"
"Okay fine!" Light yelled. He quickly got up and walked over to the bookshelf. He got out all the dirty magazines he had and dropped them in front of his father. "I just couldn't help myself, okay?! I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment..."
"Light, that's nonsense!" Soichiro got up and hugged his son, but his eye were still fixed on the stacks of dirty magazines. "We love you no matter what. I don't care if you Unleash Mt. Vesuvius once in a while. Just don't go blind, you hear?"
"You really mean that?" Light asked. For once he actually felt an emotional connection with his father. Maybe my father would love me no matter what. Even if I was Kira?
"That being said," Soichiro interrupted, "these magazines are just a waste of time. With an IQ like yours you could just use your imagination. Why that's all that we used when I was your age. That and the circle jerks. Best summer camp ever."
"I don't want to know..." Light sighed. Ryuk was now passed out on the floor, dying from laughter.
"Right," Soichiro turned and picked up all of the magazines, "I'll just go and burn all of these. Yes...burn. Be sure to get all of your studying done, son. Love you!"
"Love you, too, dad." And with that Soichiro left. Ryuk slowly picked himself up from the floor.
"That was the best thing ever..." he panted with a chuckle.
"Never mention it again."
"Say, you want me to see if your dad is 'polishing his flesh sword' right now?"
"NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN!"
And they never did.
The End