Stitches vs. PTM
Once in the town of Shiloh, there lived a small bear named Stitches. He was so named because some animals said that he resembled a teddy bear with cross-stitched eyes.
Now Stitches came to live in Shiloh during the previous winter. It was unknown from where he originally came, even Stitches himself didn't know. When asked, he would say, 'I don't know, but I think there were a lot of guys with horns and pitchforks'.
Stitches lived in a large house on the banks of the Coldwater River. It was made of beech, had a sunset-red roof and smelled of illegal drugs. The bear always dismissed this, saying that the carpenters who built the home used peppermint gloss to coat the wood. The front of his house was decorated with many different flowers that he had planted; he had always fancied himself a sort of gardener ever since he moved to town.
After a couple months, Stitches threw out almost all of his furniture until the only things left in his house were five shirts, a kiddie dresser which he used as his bed with a half sawn-off leg, a pile of numerous issues of Chillin' Magazine and a stack of well-worn PlayCritter Magazines.
Our story begins one early spring morning. The sun was drifting through the windows of Stitches' house as he sat on his floor in meditation. His left paw was scratching his posterior while his right paw was holding up a blueberry pie.
"O Holy Pie Fairy," he began in a trance-like voice. "Servant of the Most High God Pillsbury, the Creator of All Things Sweet and Tasty, mouthpiece of the prophet Glucose and maiden of the Lady of Divine Baking Wisdom Crocker, liberate me from the grasp of the Evil One, FD&C Red #40, and fill me with the knowledge of the Cosmic Pie so I may reunite with it and eat of its sugary banquet. Yum!"
Stitches was a follower of Crockerism, a spiritual teaching that taught that meditation, spiritual enlightenment and other such things.
"May the Pie fulfill and-" He was cut off by a loud crash outside. He was so surprised the pie he was holding fell out of his paw and onto the floor. "What the fudge pie?" exclaimed Stitches. He jumped up and went outside to see what happened.
The bear waddled outside and saw an animal with a paint bucket on his head lying in his flower garden. "This is last time I do this," muttered the animal.
"Who are you?" demanded Stitches. "You don't have right to disturb my morning meditation, stuffin'!"
"It's me, Chief!" growled the wolf. "Stop fooling around and get this bucket off of me!" Stitches willingly obliged and ripped it off Chief's head.
"Hey Chief," said Stitches trying his best not to laugh, "You sure look PINK in the face today!" Chief looked into one of the house's windows and saw that his head was dyed with pink paint.
"AHHH!" he shouted. "I LOOK LIKE A FREAK!"
"What were you doing on my roof?"
"I was painting your roof," responded the wolf angrily once he had composed himself. "I thought I might as well get back at you for dropping that spider down my chimney!"
"Oh, um, about that," responded Stitches, "You see, the Pie Fairy, she, uh told me that if I did that, I would get closer to rejoining the Cosmic Pie."
"Pie Fairy? Cosmic Pie?" asked Chief. "Stitches, you gotta stop believing what door-to-door salesmen tell you!"
"But, I-"
"You belong to a mystic order that worships pies for Farley's sake! Pies are food! You're no friend of mine!"
"But I thought we were lovers," said Stitches sadly. Tears were beginning to stain his baseball shirt. "We even were in a controversial movie where we were fountain cleaners who fell in love! I think it was titled Croakback Fountain."
"Croakback Fountain!" demanded Chief. "That's REAL creative Stitches. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see Harriet. Maybe she can get rid of this pink paint."
The wolf stomped off, leaving a sad Stitches to wallow in his own misery.
Later in the day, Stitches was walking to Nookington's, hoping to buy the latest issue of Chillin' Magazine. His big gut was jiggling all the way as buttons shot off his shirt like bullets.
"GAAAHH!" shouted a guy. "Watch where you're shooting those things!" Standing by the Able Sister's shop was Jorus, one of local humans.
"Sorry bucko, I didn't see you there, stuffin!" said the bear apologetically. "By the gnarled, unseen toes of Farley!" swore the dark-brown haired boy. "Would you please stop calling me bucko?"
"Why? Almost everybody in town does."
"That's the point. It's getting on my nerves!" complained Jorus.
"Why don't you just deal with it?" asked Stitches.
"Oh, I'm going to deal with it…" said Jorus sulkily. He walked away and pulled out a piece of paper. "Let's see, first I'll pay Chief a visit, then I'll go visit Maple and then…"
"See ya, bucko!" called Stitches. "STOP CALLING ME BUCKO!" the boy shouted back.
Stitches walked into Nookington's and was greeted by Tom Nook, who recited his usual rant that he gave whenever you walked into his store.
"Nook, do you have the newest issue of Chillin'?" asked Stitches.
"No," said Tom Nook. "It has not come in yet, but I'll let you know when it does, yes?"
"Sure," said Stitches. As he was getting ready to leave, he saw a strange looking machine in the corner. It looked like an ATM and Stitches thought, I should just take out some Bells and go home. He waddled up to the machine he was surprised when it began to talk!
"Welcome to the Tom Nook Point System. How can I be of service today?" It asked in an electronic voice.
"Holy Glucose!" shouted Stitches. He ran as fast as he could out of the department store, fearing for his life.
Boy this just hasn't been my day, thought the pudgy bear. My neighbors tell me off and there's that freaky thing in Nook's store! I'd better go home and hide out.
Stitches spent the night holed-up in his house, reading one of his favorite foldout/articles in PlayCritter Magazine: If You Don't Feel Like Lovin' Me, You either don't like Anorexic Models or are a Pinball Wizard.
The bear was feeling wonderful, being that he recently smoked his "Happy flower" for the night, had eaten an entire peach pie and was looking at the aforementioned article. When it was time to go to sleep, he took off his baseball shirt (He had some crazy thing about sleeping naked), climbed on top of his kiddie dresser and went to sleep.
"Stitches," whispered a voice. "It's time to awaken."
The bear opened his eyes and saw the Pie Fairy hovering above him. She was a pretty red-haired woman dressed in a green apron and wearing oven mitts on her hands. She had two butterfly-like wings growing out of her back.
"O Great Pie Fairy!" he cried. "What is it that you wish of me?"
"Stitches," said the Fairy. "You must destroy the evil PTM."
"The what?"
"That gadget you saw at Tom Nook's, you dummy!" replied the Fairy. "It is an evil agent of FD&C Red #40. It wishes to destroy the Cosmic Pie and the harmony of the universe."
"What do you want me to do about this?" asked Stitches.
"You have been blessed by the Most High One to destroy the PTM. Only you can prevent forest fires, I mean, destroy the PTM."
"Only I can destroy the PTM," said Stitches in a spaced-out voice.
"And while you're at it, put some clothes on!" cried the Pie Fairy. "God! You're not trying to be a nudist, are you?"
Stitches awoke and cried, "I'M ON A MISSION!" he stood up on his dresser and fell down. "OW!" then the broken leg on the dresser gave out and the furniture fell down on top of him. "That's gonna leave a mark." He groaned.
Stitches stood outside of Nookington's, dressed in black. It was a little past midnight and most of Shiloh was sleeping now.
"And now to destroy that thing," said Stitches out loud to himself. "But how am I going to break in?" After a couple minutes a light bulb appeared above his head. "I KNOW!" he shouted. Then remembering his outdoor, break-into-department-store-under-the-cover-of-night-and-destroy-PTM voice he whispered, "I'll use my head!"
The bear walked up to the sliding doors and smashed his head into the glass. Unfortunately, the glass was tempered and made things hurt a lot worse. "I'm going to have to try harder!" he said picking himself off the ground. He ran at the door at full speed hoping that it would make a difference, but all he got was a concussion.
Stitches picked himself up off the ground once again. How was he going to get in? Another lightbulb appeared above his head. He grabbed it and used the blunt end as a battering ram. The metal smashed against the tempered glass and broke it into a million pieces.
"Thank goodness for imaginary light bulbs that can do anything!" he said.
He stepped through the broken glass and walked up to the PTM. "Welcome to the Tom Nook Point System," began the machine.
"Save it," said Stitches. He grabbed an axe off of a shelf and yelled "NO ONE THREATENS THE COSMIC PIE!"
He charged at the PTM and started chopping into it. "Warning, intruder detected," it said. "Initiate siren." A klaxon blared but Stitches stood determined. He chopped into the PTM's motherboard and the machine said in a slowly dying voice, "Oh no, my time, it's… running out. Beam me up… Mr. Scot! Nooooooo…."
The computer had died completely. Stitches leaned over his fallen foe and sighed contentedly. "You there!" shouted Tom Nook, who was walking down from the second floor. The raccoon was dressed in pajamas and a night cap and he looked pretty pissed.
"You destroyed my PTM, didn't you, hm?" Stitches was too horrified to move or respond to Nook's question. "Good thing I have a backup generator then, yes?" asked Nook. He pulled out a remote and pressed a button.
Suddenly, the PTM came back to life and said, "WARNING, INTRUDER DETECED! INITIATING DEFENSE MECHANISM!" A surge of electricity ran through the PTM frying Stitches like an egg on a sidewalk. "AHHHHHHHH!" a klaxon blared that sounded like an airhorn.
Within minutes Copper and Booker, the guards of the Town Gate, were on the scene beating Stitches with their bo staffs. "Hey, watch where you're hitting me with those things!" the bear protested. "OW! How do you expect me to get that out of there!"
Jorus was having trouble sleeping that night so he turned on his TV. While all of this was happening down at Nookington's, the boy was engrossed in a cheesy horror film.
The main character, an attractive chestnut blonde wearing a skintight black jumpsuit, was shooting zombies wearing brown uniforms in a subway.
"Hey!" Shouted a guy in the movie; "You just shot Mike the film guy!"
After all the zombies were dead (Again), the heroine wiped her forehead and said, "Sorry about that. Now if you don't mind, it's really hot in here."
Her hand fell on the zipper holding the garment closed. Here it comes, said Jorus with an evil grin.
Just then a breaking news report came on.
"CRAP!" the boy shouted.
"This is the Shiloh 14 Breaking News Your Grandmother wouldn't even care About Center. We interrupt Chesty McHooter vs. the Brain-Eating UPS Zombies from Chicago to bring you this breaking news story: Local crackpot Stitches the bear has been arrested for breaking into Nookington's Department Store and wrecking the PTM machine."
The reporter, a squirrel named Sesame then said, "We'll keep you posted as more news develops. For the latest breaking news, log on to www. Al . We're not affiliated, we just share the same server."
The movie came back on and the credits were rolling "They interrupted the best part of the movie!" complained Jorus.
In the three years since Shiloh had been liberated from the oppressive grasp of Mahogany, a once-large city populated by ninjas, samurais, ronin and other sorts, there had never been a public hanging. But the day after Stitches broke into Nookington's was an exception.
The entire town was gathered around the town hall, Stitches was being dragged along by Copper and Booker to the gallows, where a noose beckoned the bear.
"Don't I at least get a trial or a laywer?" demanded Stitches.
"Sorry sprout," said Tortimer, who was standing next to the gallows. "But it's cheaper to do it this way."
Stitches was led to the noose and Copper asked him, "Do you have any last words?"
"Yeah, I do," said the bear. He looked at the crowd. "Chief, I'm sorry we'll never get to love each other."
"SHUT UP!" growled the wolf from in the crowd.
"And finally, I've got one more thing left to say: So long suckers!"
He broke free of his captors and ran into the crowd of onlookers. He threw himself through the window of an awaiting cab and drove off shouting, "I'm off to Cancun!"
"Yar!" growled Kapp'n. "I knew I shouldn't leave me car runnin'!" He ran after Stitches while waving a rapier. "Come back with me cab, ye scurvy sea sponge! I'll cut ye into bear steaks and feed ya to the sharks!"
"A huh huh huh!" laughed Stitches. "Now all I've got to do is find a way out of here and then to Cancun!" Bluegrass music blared on the radio. Stitches looked into the mirror on the car door and saw the whole town chasing him with pitchforks and shotguns.
Things got even worse when he crashed into a canyon wall. Luckily for him, he was so fat that his stomach acted like an airbag. He heard the townsfolk approaching and shouting various threats like 'I'm going to neuter you', 'It's beautiful day in the neighborhood, it's a beautiful day for a neighbor, won't you please die? Won't you please die?' and 'I'm gonna cut your innards outta ya and use 'em for a scarf!'
Stitches coughed on the fumes that were pouring into the cab. How was he going to get out of this one? He saw his only hope: the Pie Fairy. She was hovering right in front of him, the only nice thing he could see right now.
"You lay down and have a nice nap," said the Pie Fairy. "While you do that, I'll go make you a raspberry pie."
"Okay!" said Stitches coughing. He passed out from the fumes a minute later.
But one good thing came out of what had happened: Stitches was rescued from the cab, cleared of all charges and sent to the town museum….
AS AN EXIBIT.