(disclaimer: i own nothing)

It was dinner at Avengers Tower. Due to conflicting schedules and other commitments it usually wasn't possible for them all to eat together, but the power of Captain America's disappointment was second only to the power of Steve Rogers' disappointment, and he insisted they all eat at least one meal together "as a team". Tony had been ready to laugh it off and continue his absolutely great plan (thank you, Steve) of subsiding off caffeine and questionable smoothies made by Dummy. But then the psychologists at Shield (those poor people) had agreed with him, so team dinners became a Thing.

It was nice, as much as he was loath to admit it. But sitting with the others for a meal at the end of the day was a good way to unwind, let himself relax in the company of good friends and food. It had the added bonus of improving his overall health, which made Jarvis happy. Or it had.

Well it made Pepper happy.

So, barring missions, Shield duties, and other unforeseen circumstances, the whole team ate dinner together. It had been three weeks since Sokovia, and they were finally beginning to recover. Pietro and Wanda were still a bit disoriented, he'd noticed, but they seemed to be adapting well. Pietro had finally finished his sessions in Cho's Cradle, poor kid, and he was celebrating his first meal completely healed by flicking peas at his sister. In return, Wanda was floating carrots onto his plate silently; Pietro wouldn't notice them for a good three minutes before seeming to take in how orange his plate actually was. He'd scowl heavily at Wanda, before dumping them all back on her plate, and the pattern started again.

Clint sighed, looking like he deeply regretted not staying on his brother's farm. He shoved Pietro's hand down as he aimed once again, before meeting Wanda's smug smirk with an unimpressed eyebrow. She wilted, but it only took Clint turning to Natasha before they were off again. God, was Tony glad he'd never had children (the childishness of the team notwithstanding, because really, if anyone had to parent them it was Steve).

Speaking of Steve, he was chatting quietly with Sam (who had finally let Tony have a look at his wings the week before). Probably about Bucky. But Robocop could wait until after dinner – after all the two were going out again to look for him the next day. Tony told them so.

"Tony–" Steve started, but whatever he was going to say was cut off by the elevator doors opening with a quiet ding. They were immediately on edge, Ultron fresh in their minds; Steve met his eyes across the table, and Tony nodded, prepared to engage the wrist cuffs he kept on all the time now. Natasha and Clint were on their feet, Widow's Bites ready to engage and bow notched. Bruce was taking deep breaths, while Thor had Mjolnir raised, and Vision had begun floating slightly. Wanda and Pietro looked slightly confused, but Wanda's red magic (not magic!) was playing round her fingers, and Pietro was vibrating in place.

Then a man walked through the open doors, a fedora tilted low over his face. What hair Tony could see was brown, and he had a turtleneck and leather jacket on his tall, slightly gaunt frame.

Pietro went the stillest Tony'd ever seen him, and Wanda's magic (not magic!) flickered out. Both looked almost… ill? Tony half-turned to Steve, and was met by an equally confused look.

"Shit," he heard Wanda whisper, and his mouth half dropped. Neither of the two had sworn while they were here (though Pietro looked like he might be swearing internally most of the time). "Shit," she repeated, "Fuck. Pietro–"

"Won't work," he hissed back. "He'll just show up later."

"Fuck."

Tony focused again on the man, who hadn't moved except to step out of the elevator (which was now shut, part of him noticed). His mouth was now visible, and it was set in a frown. Then he looked up at the table, and the light hit his face.

"Magneto," Natasha hissed, but Tony only half noticed her over the whine of the repulsors starting up, as well as his own internal listing of how much metal was on him at the minute, metal that he needed to live (like the arc reactor, fuck, the arc reactor, was it even ferrous metal, yes no yes no shit it's an electromagnet it's affected anyway fuck no, not again not again, no one's touching it again–).

Magneto didn't seem to notice Natasha (and where was his usual red and purple get-up? Surely if he was going to attack it would be better in armour), instead staring right at Pietro and Wanda. Clint positioned himself so he was better placed to defend them if he had to. Pietro hands had started moving, and were so fast they were a blur. Wanda seemed to be trying to make herself as small as possible. What had Magneto done to these kids?

"'Two months'," Magneto said, obviously quoting someone. Tony and Steve exchanged another confused look. Pietro winced. "'Just two months to explore Europe', you said. 'Get a feel for the culture', you said." His lip seemed to curl over the next words, and Wanda winced as well: "'Connect to your roots', you said." Magneto's voice wasn't getting any louder, but it seemed more intense and dangerous with every word. Clint's hand tightened on his bow.

"So where," he continued, "Have you been–" he paused, and everyone got a little more tense "–for the past two years?"

Pietro and Wanda full-on flinched, while Tony saw the same confusion he was feeling reflected in everyone else. Even Natasha, though she quickly schooled her features back into casual disinterest.

Wanda and Pietro looked at each other, before Wanda hesitantly stepped forward a pace. Clint's grip tightened even further on his bow, and he seemed about to move in front of her before apparently thinking better of it. Wanda looked back at Pietro, before turning to Magneto again. "Well," she said, hesitantly, "We… we–"

Magneto cut her off. "Do you have any idea how worried I've been?" What? Tony met Steve's eyes. "You didn't call, you didn't text, not one letter or a postcard. Even a smoke signal, like we were as primitive as humans, would have been something."

"But we were in Europe," Pietro said. "You wouldn't even have been able to see a smoke–"

"No," said Magneto, cutting off Pietro and holding up a hand. "Do not. I don't want excuses. I want explanations."

The elevator gave another, quiet ding, and another man came out, this one in a tweed blazer with ruffled brown hair guiding a wheelchair Tony immediately wanted to take apart. "Erik," he said, chastising, and was he talking to Magneto? "They can't tell you if you don't even let them speak." The words were said kindly, and even as some of the tension drained from Magneto's (and what was with 'Erik', anyway?) shoulders, he became more agitated.

"I have been letting them speak, Charles," he said, and the table as one seemed to realise that the man in the wheelchair must be Charles Xavier – Professor X, the telepath.

"You have not," Xavier replied good-naturedly. Tony felt like he'd missed a step somewhere.

"Yeah, you haven't," Pietro muttered, and Xavier's attention snapped to him.

"Well now's your chance, Pietro," he said lightly. Pietro winced as Magneto whirled round to face him again, and looked to Wanda. Apart from a sympathetic expression, he got no support from her; sibling loyalty only extended so far, it seemed, and Wanda certainly didn't look like she was going to throw herself under the bus for Pietro.

He swallowed, and looked back at Magneto. "We were backpacking at first, you know, everything was normal and fine and great and sh– stuff," Pietro hastily corrected when Xavier raised an eyebrow. "But when we were going through Sokovia… we were staying in this town…" Normally so eloquent, Pietro seemed lost for words.

"There were these men," Wanda broke in, apparently deciding to throw her brother a line. "With Hydra–" Xavier's expression became more forced, while Magneto's face twisted. Tony felt a pulling in his chest, and for a second full-on panicked, visions of being pulled towards Magneto, before it stopped. The others at the table seemed just as disturbed, but Pietro and Wanda didn't seem to have noticed.

"They – did tests, and experiments–" Wanda was breathing faster now "–how fast Pietro could run – and what I could do–" her eyes shuttered, and her magic (not magic damnit!) was twisting round her fingers again. "They – brainwashed us," she whispered, but in the sudden silence her words seemed louder. "Made us think we were Sokovian – that Mr Stark had killed our parents – that we had volunteered for a process that gave us our mutations–" She cut herself off with a gasp, turning to look at the table. Pietro was at her side, patting her shoulder. Steve looked as shocked as he felt, while Clint looked like he wanted to punch something.

Pietro looked back at Magneto, arm around Wanda; she wasn't crying, but her eyes were red-rimmed and watery, and she was leaning heavily into Pietro's side. "The rest–" he gave an encompassing shrug. "We fought the Avengers, helped the evil robot, then fought the evil robot and helped the Avengers."

Wanda snorted quietly into his shoulder, and the hard look in Magneto's eyes softened. "Come here," he said, and in an instant Pietro had him and Wanda next to Magneto. Then the two had their arms around his torso, and he was holding them like he never wanted to let go, and almost like he could protect them from everything in the world. Huh. Xavier was looking at them with a fond smile; it was a touching scene. But…

"Excuse me," he raised his hand, and ignored the glare Magneto shot him. He was used to death glares (and wasn't that a sad fact of life?). "But how exactly do the Whiz Kids here know Mr Magnetism?" The glare got more intense, but Xavier chuckled quietly. Magneto broke his gaze to look at Xavier, a wounded expression on his face.

"Because they're my children, of course?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

What? What?

Steve had opened his mouth, but nothing was coming out. Sam next to him was studying the three, and seemed to be taking it fine. How? Pietro and Wanda – who weren't even Sokovian! – were the kids of the fucking mutant terrorist Magneto.

"But…" Clint waved a hand vaguely. "Don't you have different last names?" Tony stopped trying to find similarities between the three to look at Clint, who actually looked like he was being serious. Natasha cuffed the back of his head. "Ow– Nat why?"

She levelled him with an unimpressed look. He winced.

Magneto had turned his attention back to Pietro and Wanda. Back to his children. He was checking them over, tutting at a scratch Wanda had gotten and Pietro's newly-healed skin. Tony almost wanted to laugh: who knew big bad Magneto was a worse mother-hen than Clint?

"Oh my god," Bruce whispered. Xavier snorted, and when Magneto looked over waved him away.

"Charles…" he said warningly, a thread of I-am-so-done-with-this-shit threaded through his tone.

"Apologies, old friend," said Xavier, still waving his hand. His eyes were bright as he looked at Magneto.

Pietro and Wanda were looking at each other and very deliberately not not looking at the table. Thor had put down his hammer, and seemed to be considering the merits of beginning to eat again. Steve looked wrong-footed, while Natasha and Clint were having an argument in ASL. Vision seemed to be trying to fit everything into his worldview, but didn't look like it was working.

"Let's go," said Magneto, and every head snapped to him again.

"But–" said Wanda.

"But–" said Steve at the same time.

"No buts," Magneto cut them off. "No one has seen you in two years, young lady. We've been so worried, and now you're finally back you don't want to see everyone?"

"Well, no, but–"

"It's settled then."

"Dad, we're part of the Avengers, we can't just–" Pietro started.

"Two years," Magneto repeated. "Two years! You two 'can't just' anything for another six – at least!"

Wanda and Pietro looked at each other, then back at Magneto. "Are– are you grounding us?"

"What else would I do?" Magneto said.

"But we couldn't–"

"There wasn't–"

"Two years! You're just lucky it's not twenty years." Xavier rolled towards Magneto a bit.

"Erik really–"

"We're twenty–"

"Two years–" Magneto cut himself off. "No. This is not up for discussion. You two are grounded, and that's final."

Bruce coughed, but no one paid attention. "We are part of the Avengers though–" Wanda started, looking back at the table for support. Tony half-wished he had popcorn.

"The Avengers have survived perfectly well without you before," Xavier said, putting a hand on Magneto's elbow. "And I'm certain they'll be perfectly fine without you now."

Wanda and Pietro seemed to slump, before turning to Magneto, who had a victorious grin on his face. "Pietro, if you wouldn't mind?" he asked, and a second later two large duffels were at their feet.

"Hey wait a minute–" Steve seemed to have finally found his voice, but the three now walking into the elevator weren't listening. Xavier nodded to them, before wheeling into the elevator. They could just catch the last of Magneto's words as it closed.

"–a perfectly nice, mutant superhero team at home if you care that much–"

Then the doors shut, and the room was silent. The plates from dinner lay abandoned on the table, peas and carrots still littered between them.

Steve turned to Thor. "You know that Asgardian mead of yours?" he asked. Thor nodded, a slight grin on his face.

Steve, Tony thought, had exactly the right idea.

So I really wanted to see more Magento-goes-and-parents-his-children fics. Because there aren't enough. This got a bit darker than I anticipated at one point but I hope it's kept the humorous twist I was aiming for.

For the timeline, it's after AoU, and after DoFP, but canon is selective (eg. Erik and Raven are helping teach at the mansion and are better than Charles but that's not very hard). If you want to put it in a solid year, it can mesh with the MCU timeline and be modern au X Men (and to make it fit Erik's parents were in the camps and he himself was experimented on by Hydra before escaping). Otherwise it exists in time, but vaguely, y'know. Schrodinger's Fic.

Changes from AoU include:

- Pietro not dying

- them all living in Avengers Tower instead of some random warehouse in the middle of nowhere who thought that was a good idea no really–

- Clint has no wife/kids/white picket fence deal. He has a brother who has a farm and pizza dog (note: you know that tumblr gifset edit? that)

- I have read one good brucenat fic and it is not that sham people are calling a movie, so that doesn't apply, nor does Bruce flying the fuck away

- Pietro and Wanda aren't Sokovian. Surprise! but seriously if you've got this useful brainwashing technology why not use it and not have to depend upon patriotism

- the arc reactor. I actually forgot it was gone until halfway through because in canon it was literally a throwaway line and a five second surgery clip ok, and this lets Tony panic and if you write fanfic you know your favourite thing is to make everyone suffer

On characterisation: if it's not quite right, I'm very very sorry. This is my first ever Marvel fic, as well as my first published non-Harry Potter fic, so yay me. I've also forgotten most of AoU since I saw it in the theatre, and I literally cannot remember any of the 2000s X Men (I've seen the new ones though, and apocalypse is actually killing me here, Pietro why).

Fun fact another thing Magneto said during what was probably the most awkward elevator ride since ever was along the lines of "Why were you even in Sokovia we don't have family there – no when I say we aren't Sokovian I mean it didn't even exist until 1949 Pietro." Also, what made Bruce cough and Charles laugh (because he's an asshole) was exactly 'wait– oh my god Magneto's their dad– oh my god dadneto'. Also, my sister told me the worst joke earlier and I'm dying:

What is Hawkeye's shield made of?

Quicksilver.

In personal news: by the end of March my fucking ass (I'm sorry), exams are nearly two thirds done (yay), and I somehow managed to not write about X Men in my History exam (somehow).

And this is so long nearly 500 words so sorry.