Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Harry Potter. I do not seek financial gain from using JK Rowling's ideas and characters.
"The Letter"
Dear Theodore,
This is the letter I will never send you.
I'm going to burn this letter in your fireplace after I write it because I'm too much of a coward to give it to you. I'm too afraid to say the things I should have said a long time ago. I'm so weary of being a living contradiction. I'm afraid to be without you, yet I'm too weak to fight to keep you. I'm afraid to love. I'm afraid to lose. I'm afraid to be alone.
You've changed me with one kiss and I will forever hate you for it. You've put a name on the unidentifiable feelings that have haunted me for years and made me deal with them instead of just suppressing them like I should have.
When you named it, the feelings became who I am, not merely something inside me. You can't just do that to a person. You can't redefine who they are and expect them to change their path or their identity so easily.
Before all this, I was Draco, Slytherin Prince and Heir to the Malfoy Legacy. I've taken on other identities which conflict with the pre-existing ones. Lover. Gay. Boyfriend. Yours.
Now I'm both more self-aware and completely unsure of who I really am, if that makes any sense.
I've been falling in love with you for years, and I didn't even know it. Had you never let me kiss you, perhaps we wouldn't be here – as miserable as we are in love. Sure, there'd always be a silent yearning. But there wouldn't be this constant feeling of constriction around my heart, a dull sort of incessant pain. The more I love you, the more it hurts.
When we made love the other night, I had never been more in love with you than in that moment. I'd never wanted anyone more than you, never wanted anything more than to be with you forever. And once the blinding bliss of sex had faded, I realized I couldn't have you. The ache around my heart was like no pain I'd ever felt before. Perhaps the only thing that could compare is the pain I felt when I thought I'd lost you forever in the war.
I used to fuck you. I'd lie and tell you it meant nothing. I was able to sleep soundly at night knowing that I hadn't been foolish enough to believe it could mean anything. You'd always want more than meaningless sex. That was fine. It felt good to be desired so much. Then you had to ruin it all by telling me that you love me. The possibility hadn't even occurred to me that two boys could love each other. You opened up a world to me that I could never really be a part of. Sometimes it's better to be ignorant.
The harsh reality is that you'll never truly have me. Part of me will always be somewhere else, serving some other purpose, living a life that isn't yours. I can't be your lover, your boyfriend, or Yours so long as I am Draco Malfoy. The day I can cease to live up to the name and identity my parents have given me, is the day I can love you freely and be utterly yours. I don't believe that day will ever come.
Theodore, never forget that somebody once loved you. Never forget that someone once thought you were wonderful, and beautiful, and brave. Never forget what you're worth. But, please, forget me.
With sincere regret,
Draco