Crack!, anyone?
I could not help myself. I am certain something like this has been done before, but...it hit me and I laughed at myself and HAD to write it. ^.^
Please be advised that all works mentioned in this are cited below.
Hope you guys get a kick out of this, and of course-I haven't found a way to obtain ownership of Thor yet. *sad face*
The elevator was especially slow this morning, and Jane was cursing every second that it wasted.
Why did her office have to be on the 25th floor again?
She shook her head and reminded herself of how fortunate she really was. After Thor's return and the formation of SHIELD's new team of super-powered, super-talented men (and woman) known as the 'Avengers', she had fallen into rather good graces with both Fury and Tony Stark.
It had been the eccentric billionaire who had set her up a job in his fancy new tower, complete with a cushy office and a computer linked to satellite tech that not even she fully comprehended yet.
She prided herself on this position, and was always in front of that computer by seven in the morning.
But not this time.
This time, she had been awakened in her apartment at 3 AM by Thor Odinson himself, crawling across the bed to her after a particularly late-running mission with the team.
She had not slept since.
Jane rubbed at her eyes and thanked every powerful deity-figure in the universe when the elevator stopped and she could see her office door just across the hall.
She balanced the stack of reports in the crook of her arm and pushed the door open.
Every single sheet of paper went flying to the floor at the sight she was met with.
A head sporting long black hair was craned down behind her desk, one slender, pale hand clicking away at her computer, the other tapping rather erratically on the wood. Jane felt her heartbeat skyrocket and her skin grow cold and then hot….and then cold again.
She knew, of course, who this was sitting behind her desk. She knew, but she didn't want to accept it….
After all, what in the name of anything would Loki Laufeyson possibly want with her computer?
The office door closed behind her and she watched as Loki snapped his head up to peer at her. Green eyes seemed to light up and sparkle almost instantly.
"Good morning Miss Foster. I hope you do not mind my intrusion." His voice was quiet and silky, but Jane was already beyond frustration this morning and she could not help but snap at him.
"Actually, I kind of do-"her jab was cut off quickly, as Loki continued speaking as if he'd never intended to pause. "Although I do not actually care if you do mind….I was trying to be polite. You know, considering…."
Jane met his strange, amused gaze with confusion.
Considering? Considering what?
She swallowed thickly and glared at him.
"What….what are you doing here?"
He smiled at her and motioned around her office, pausing at the security camera in the corner.
"I came to do some…research. I greatly underestimated SHIELD's determination during my attempt to conquer this world, but I underestimated Stark's technological prowess even more so. I've been absorbing information from every computer in this tower, and I must say, I have learned much." She watched him wink at her slowly. "I saved yours for last. It was rather easy to make the camera systems in this place malfunction. And I have been in your office since before daybreak."
Jane bit her lip, nervous and worried. Loki was spying on Stark technology. This could be very dangerous for….
"I must say, this 'internet' is fascinating."
Jane blinked and cocked her head at him.
"Oh….uh….okay….?"
She watched with growing confusion as his eyes suddenly darkened at her, and she could practically feel the mischief radiate from him.
"About two hours ago I stumbled upon your account for a place called 'fan fiction dot net'. Do you recall this site, Miss Foster?"
Wait…
Wait…
What?
Jane felt her eyes widen as a realization struck her in the gut.
No….no no no….
"Um-"
"The mortals have an archive of stories dedicated to my brother and his exploits."
"Uh….yeah…"
"You do not partake in writing any yourself."
Jane suddenly squeezed her eyes shut and wondered if she could tap her shoes together and wish herself back home.
"No…I don't…"
"But you do have quite the list of favorites here."
Please. Please just be nightmare. Or even a cruel joke. Anything but….
"I've been reading through them all morning."
Oh. GOD. No.
"Oh?" 'Oh?' Say something to distract him, say something to anger him, say….say something more than 'OH'!
"And I must say I am….curiously perplexed, Jane Foster. It seems that the vast majority of your favored stories involve….me."
Jane cracked an eye open and felt the office threaten to spin around her.
And you may proceed to kill me now, Mister Laufeyson.
"Uh….well…"
"In fact, very few of these have anything to do with my brother-whom, I recall, you so vehemently claim to adore."
"I do….I mean, ah-"
"Although I must say I am not entirely thrilled by these stories involving your little assistant and myself; are the mortals insane? Do they not know I would destroy that girl?"
Could you possibly find it in your heart to destroy me instead? Like…right now?
"Oh, well…they just think that-"
"I've spent the past hour reading one called 'Fallen Star'."
Jane opened her eyes completely and gaped at him in horror.
Dear Christ. If you exist, please rapture me.
"Oh….uh….okay, see, that one—"
"It was very interesting." She saw a dark eyebrow rise at her slowly. "Don't you think?"
Reaching up, Jane ran a hand across her brow to make certain she had not started sweating. She wondered if Loki could tell that her cheeks were flushed.
She craned her head to see him a bit more clearly, and felt a jolt course through her body.
She could certainly tell that his were.
Jane blinked at him in awe.
Loki, would-be overlord of mankind, was…blushing?
"Y—yeah, it was…"
Silence followed for what seemed to be a full five minutes before Loki's green orbs finally broke their dark and powerful hold on her own.
They lit up again, and he suddenly smirked at her.
"Some of them are just….confusing, however. For instance…what on Earth is 'Ecstasy' and why does it make one act completely insane?"
Don't laugh, Jane. Don't. Laugh. He might kill you….on second thought, laugh. It would be better that way.
"And why do some of these mortals insist on making me pregnant? Have they, by chance, been taking this Ecstasy?"
Jane felt the grin on her face rip past the muscles that tried so desperately to fight it.
"Uh…"
"And this one…about 'Cake Batter Ice Cream'. What is that?"
"It's…uh…."
"Although I must say, that particular author did a fantastic job of capturing my true nature. About time one of the mortals understood that I am not a nice person…"
"Oh, uh, yeah…"
Jane took a step forward, closer to her desk, in an attempt to catch Loki's attention. He was apparently a speed-reader, and if he kept going….
A familiar, mischief-laden voice suddenly sounded from behind her:
"You read the one where you have sex with one of your clones?"
Jane felt her heart stop altogether at Tony Stark's blatant (LOUD) question.
Her head whipped around to glare at him.
How many people had snuck onto her 'Favorites' page?
When she met Loki's gaze again, she felt something hot shoot down her spine. His green eyes had darkened intensely and his brow furrowed as he suddenly clicked at the mouse one more time.
Jane stood dumbstruck as Tony laughed behind her and proceeded to walk away, leaving a 'Call me if he does something stupid' as her only consolation.
She watched in absolute agony as Loki's eyes ran across the computer screen at speeds she could not imagine, narrowing more and more with each scan. When she felt that standing there for one more moment would kill her entirely, she moved to walk around towards her chair. The moment she reached it Loki whipped his head up to look at her.
A sly grin tore across his face and he stood then, slowly, manipulating himself in front of her. Jane shuddered as her warm skin suddenly grew cold and her back bumped her desk. Loki leaned in and raised a brow at her.
She could feel his breath hot on her face when he whispered:
"I think that one may be my favorite, too…."
Jane felt her nails dig into the wood behind her and knew that if Loki did indeed spare her life this day, she would probably just die of embarrassment.
Stories (specifically) mentioned:
Fallen Star by Alydia Rackham
Loki Finds His Inner Bliss by chatnoir1
Cake Batter Ice Cream and Thunder Gods by Lady NeverAfterNon
No Better Hand by silverlynxcat
Also: Please know that I love ALL of these stories, and mean no offense to anyone (even Loki/Darcy fans) by this fic. Just having some fun! ^.^