Nudist Colonies

a sequel to Hug Me

(reading the aforementioned story is not necessary, but you will thorougly enjoy this story much more if you do.)

by: cheesekakke

It's another boring Potions Day in which Hermione is tempted to pass notes. Whatever the heck Snape might be teaching is doing her no good at all, so it's best that she find a way to amuse herself…

I forgot to mention this before as the previous fic was a one-shot. AU obviously since Snape wasn't teaching Potions in Harry's sixth year.

Also, none of these characters are mine, though if JKR wants to gift Snape to me for a birthday present (September 24th, Jo!) it will be much appreciated.

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Class. Brewing, bubbling, frothing potions stood around the classroom in their customary black cauldrons, the silver-trimmed one belonging to Malfoy and his most unfortunate Potions partner, Hermione couldn't even be bothered to find out.

Snape as usual, was at the front chalking points onto the blackboard, trying to drill facts into the rock hard skulls which stood before him. This was one of the most important lessons of the year, Sustantivity potions. When brewed properly and taken a after a meal, it could keep you going two times longer than you normally would have. One of the magical properties of the potion was that it could only be taken by those that the brewer chose. If Severus made some, he sure would not wish it to Potter, and it would scald beyond repair the boy's throat if he had the stupidity to drink. Snape would let Malfoy drink it, that boy always looked like he needed a well-balanced meal and sustantivity.

"Sustantivity potions are devilishly tricky to get right, and I doubt any of you will, so don't even try drinking any, it's surely poison." Hermione squinted at her cauldron; the potion was at the ideal almost-final stage, an almost clear orange-ish color. All that needed to be added now was the armadillo bile, then stirred clockwise thrice, and it would be finished, the color was meant to be a deep navy blue. Hermione added the bile, stirred thrice and held her breath as the potion turned…sea blue. To be fair, it wasn't your normal ocean blue; it was more 'the night the Titanic sank' blue. But it wasn't navy. Hermione glanced around at Harry who was just adding his bile and stirring three times. The potion immediately gained pigment and turned a perfect navy blue.

Damn that Half-Blood Prince, Hermione thought, glancing over at Ron's. His was the same flaming color as his hair; there was no salvaging that potion now. Hermione snapped her head back up as she felt Snape surveying her potion in front of her.

"Poorly made, Granger. Anyone who takes that might as well be committing suicide." Hermione growled silently at the teacher's back. It was as darn close as you could get for a sixth year!

"Potter, five points for pinching my quality ingredients from the cupboard. I asked you to take the ones on the right hand side, clearly common ingredients are too good for the 'Chosen One'." Harry also made a face at the retreating back of the Potions professor, but neither of them spoke up. It was Snape they were dealing with after all. Hermione, still glowering, grabbed a scrap sheet of parchment and hastily scribbled a note to Harry while Snape was openly criticizing Ron's potion to the entire class.

"The powdered unicorn horn, wasn't nearly fine enough, Weasley…"

'If I had my way, I'd run away to form a nudist colony, this is boring and stupid and pointless.' Hermione slipped the note to Harry, who read it, grinned and grabbed his own quill to supply an answer.

"See, you stirred it counter-clockwise boy, not clockwise. Weasley, perhaps a closer inspection of the loo…?"

'We should do that. And make lots of these Sustantivity potions and not share goods/services. Oh, and Snape can't come' Hermione took the parchment from Harry's proffered hand under the table, read it and gave a soft snicker to herself. Unfortunately she forgot at this moment that she was sitting in the front of the class where snickers were the most obvious, and that Snape was right in front of her. Fuck, wank, bugger, shitting arse head-and-hole.

"Granger, notes are not allowed, give it here, ten points from Gryffindor." Snape snatched the offending note from Hermione's shocked hand and read it to himself, then out loud to the class.

"Granger writes If I had my way blah blah blah, I'd run away to form a nudist colony blah, Potter says, We should do that blah blah, not share goods/services Oh, hmmm… what's this and Snape can't come?"

There was a silence over the entire class who all stalled to see what punishment would come to these wrongdoers. Both Harry and Hermione waited with baited breath as to what would come of it for them. Surely they would get punished, detention, maybe expulsion, certainly a yelling at from Snape, and her parents would be so disappointed, she'd have been expelled, she'd have to live as a Muggle, selling herself to get by…

…and a soft voice interrupted her train of thoughts.

"A nudist colony? And I'm not invited? How touching. It would be obvious that I would be the prime specimen of the human species, after seeing me, no other human could compare to being in the same nudist colony. A truly horrifying thought." Snape grabbed a spiky black quill and inked a private response on the parchment and returned it to Hermione's desk.

She was in shock. Snape had let both of them off, with naught but a sharp rap across the palms. Glancing down at the paper, the word 'EWW' lay across it in fresh, black glistening ink. Harry, meanwhile had not yet run out of steam.

"Prime specimen of the human species? You keep telling yourself that Snape."

"It's obvious Potter what services you are referring to, and don't joke with your potions professor, we both know that you know. It just seems so immature of you to display your sexual frustration in this way." Hermione groaned. Harry was getting himself into real deep dragon droppings, there was almost no way she could get them out of this.

"Professor, I hardly think this line of conversation is appropriate for the classroom. Could we move on?" There was a hidden apology in there, enough to argue that there was one, but not enough to be noticed. Snape, however, was not finished.

"I don't care. You guys can create your own nudist colony and parade it to hell and back. But you know who you shouldn't invite?"

"Professor Dumbledore" Harry coughed under his breath so it sounded more like "Pr-fserr Dubl-dr". It had the desired effect and sent Hermione into a silent fit of giggles and caused Snape mouth to twitch at the corners for a moment.

"I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that. Now what was I going to say? Ah yes, I was saying that you shouldn't invite Millicent Bulstrode. Nobody would ever want to see that." There was a pause as the class tried to comprehend that they had just heard their professor talk about one of his students in such a demeaning tone. The shock enveloped the classroom until, mercifully the class bell rang, liberating the students from the monstrosity that was their Potions Professor.

"Man I'm starving-"

"Hope the fire in the common room is lit-"

"Those house-elves best have cleaned the rug of your vomit Zabini, never get wasted on my booze ag-"

As the class shuffled out they head their professor call out from behind them.

"Mind you, Potter, Granger, this won't be the last you hear of this! Malfoy wait a moment, I've got to give you that contraceptive potion you asked for" There was a groan from the two and a snicker from the other classmates over the contraceptive potion, as they trudged to Transfiguration, wishing for the comfort of their beds in the Gryffindor common room where Snape could not touch them.

"This isn't normal. He's like a volcano; he'll explode on the two of you first thing in class Monday, if not sooner."

"Shut it Ron, you're just feeling good 'cause you got off." Hermione sighed at the all too common sound of Harry and Ron bickering like a married couple. People often told her that she and Ron sounded like a married couple, and the idea had never quite exited Hermione's head.

"Boys, be quiet will you? I've already had a row from Snape, and I don't want one from Professor McGonagall for 'entering her classroom sans decorum'!" Hermione marched stiffly into the classroom and sat at the front, close followed by Harry and Ron who took seats on either side of her, their mouths hanging openly.

"Mind you, it wasn't really a row that you got from Snape, it was more like a indulgent cat, hoping to eat the mouse at the most unexpected moment." But Hermione wasn't paying attention, merely trying to bore two holes into the blackboard with her eyes.

Professor McGonagall swept into the classroom and began her normal lecture, not noticing that half the class wasn't paying attention.

"Well, what's wrong? Don't tell me that the cat has got all of your tongues!"

"Well, Professor…" Ron began. Hermione cut in quickly.

"It's nothing, nothing at all. We just came from Potions."

"Ahh," McGongall nodded sagely. "And what was it in Potions that has gotten your feathers ruffled so, Miss Granger?"

There was a pause as Hermione struggled to find an appropriate answer with out bending the truth. There was none.

"Nudist colonies, Professor."

"And you discussed this with Professor Snape?"

Hermione nodded.

"Well, that would certainly scar one for life. I must body slam that man into the wall the next time I see him. Nudist colonies, honestly!"

And with that Professor McGonagall turned back to the blackboard and continued the lecture, ignoring the shocked and awed expressions on the faces of her students.

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A/N(s):

Another story based on my real life civics class. And yes, my petite, frail 5-foot 60-year-old English teacher did make the body-slamming comment. Again, the lovely Scottie has let us mock him to his face, to his back, and now on the internet.

This totally happened, and the next day the quarterly report came back saying that my 'conduct was excellent.' Bollocks. I was the Hermione in this story, Harry was based on the collective class, mainly my lovely Kiwi. Ron was based on the class whore, a.k.a. Quillys, whom I love lots.

The idea of contraceptive potions is one that has been circling fanfics, it is not canon. The stream of profanities is taken from Love Actually, one of the best movies in the history of the art.

If you haven't read HUG ME go read it NOW, 'cause it's better than this one. Sequels are never as good.