once a pond a muthafuckin time, me an my main sonny boy airy were in the hijabi place on main and he was like
"pimp mama, why is no one free from sin?"
an i was like "well u fresh ass son of a bitch, i men me. some of us are #freefromfang because we wear the hijab."
and he was like "maaaaaaaaan that;s fresh as shoes"
and i was like "yell heah kiddo" so we bought him a scarf with a bitch ass print on it. it had nicki minajs face on it (A/n if u don't know who that is get the fuck outta here! fangz) and it was super silky and long with lace on the end. it made him look like a very sex. aka a t-h-o-t-t-y thotty. next we buoght him some bitch ass scarf pins so he could put that motherfucker on like a badass. they were swag.They were lovely, with delicately hand carved moon and deers on them. Because Artemis matters to him. (A/N IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE) later i tought him how to pin it up like a true bitch. we bipped it bopped it twisted and turned it and then we bop bop bopped straight to the top, but that's unrelated (#RyanandSharpay5lyfe #fucktroyandgabriella) until finally he was as pure as i a delicate and bootiful flour. he look in the mirror. he started at him. he flipped him off. but like, with his pointer finger. he is free from sin.
fang came into the bathroom with us. "due u look like a hot girl. and who is that other hot girl with you."
ar scream "don't kinkshame me" and runned out of the bathromm.
"wow. random much?" the guy mumbled smecily through his tears. what an emo lord. but still he was hot. we make out for three days straight.(A/N LIKE THREE DAYS GRACE. (A/N IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO DAT IS, GET DA HELL OUT OF HERE!)) finally i come up for air after three days.
"oh not. what about ari. i have to go find him. he is my son and i wuv him." suddenly my husband come in.
"what da frigging bloody hell" he said in his new jersey ingland axxXent he was also an emo fucker. but he is hotter than fang i rememver when i see him.
"it was nothing" i sob sexily. my chocolate mocha latte with three shots of espresso and caramel blended in brown hair falls out of my hijab as i cry. he is turn on in an asexual way.
"hay, i have a thing for brunettes" fang says, his lips the ice blue of limpid hijab.
"sorry bozo" i say as i walk over to my hetorohusband ™. jits, my beautiful handsome emo husband touched my cheek (a/n which cheek u decide XD) before turning away.
"u have lost my trust too many time Gritzy. I can't live lake this anymore. not ever you wonderful butt can save our marriage, even with it's magic powers. leg, butt, arm, boob. long ago the four body parts lived in harony, but everything changed when the booty nation attacked only the assatar mastered all for body parts. but when the pin up industry needed fae most, fae veinished. a hundred milipn centuries (a/n like the fall out boy song (A/N IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS, GET THA HELL OUT OF HERE)) have passed and the booty nation is neering victory in the war. Two years ago my pet bear and a hundred of our best zoo animales journeyd to the leg nation to help the fight against the booty kingdom,leaving only me and our doghter max ii to look over our asses. Some people believe that the assatar was never reborn into the body colony and that the menstrual cylce is broken. But I haven't lost hope. I believe that the assatar can save the world."
He touched my face again sadly b4 leaving. i fell to the ground and cried. fang leadned down and patted my hair. "soo ur single now rite?" I nodded sadly and we made out for three more days.
"NO WAIT ARI" iI showted pushing fang into the sink and
running out. i sped out into the living room of our mansion pulling the hijab over my chocolate mocha latte with three shots of espresso and caramel blended in brown hair again, only to find ari and max ii…
PLAYING MARIO KART! WIF OUT mE? "WHAT THE HEL ARE U doing, you MUTHAFUKCERS DOING!? YOUR MOTHERFUKENING GROUNDED BITCES" saying that remended me of my deerparted husband jay, who we found out wad dead (jrits note HE'S JUST TAKING AN EMBARRASSMENT NAMP) on day 6 of our make out session. i was almost sad, but that mutherfucka abanded me. sitll i was upsed and strated sobbing instantly. fang was no help. (A/N SEE IS THIS OOC?) "I can't like emotoin, i am a robot, but like, rawr." (i love u in dino)
"Same." max ii said
"wanna make out" fang said
"Fuck you, no." max ii said
"damn it" fang said
"SWEAR JAR TEN MILLION DOLLAR" aari said.
Just then iggy walked downs tairs. iggy was nicedr than fang. and he was just as hot but like in a pyro way geddit? plus i knew he was thirstier than a straight white boy walking through the desert with no access to kik. Ari's hijab was sliding off so i leadned down to fix it, looking at iggy saduceivly.
'damn look at that ass" fang said
"Fucking swear jar you piece of shit," max ii said
"iim not urs antymore fnick, im gigy's"
"hella $wag" iggy mackled. he put his arm aroun me and then he put his thing y in my you kno whw ath and we HAD SEX. i put my arms around his neck and put my arms around his waist. i can have too pairs of arms instead of legs bc i am the assatar.
"w8 where did the maxxx ii and airy go?" i wondered in my head out louad.
"i AM TAKING THEM AWAY FROM THE HETEROSEXUALITY" SAID NUDGE THE LESBEAN
"what a bitch" said iggy
"i bet it's because she is lesbean and has not seen fan'gs dick. that makes everyoen str8. i was a leasben until i saw fangs dick."
"hmm mea to i think" i muttered loudly. "did fan'gs dick make me stright again? did he make me byesecual?
"It's BIsexual you uncultured swine," max ii sed. "BI, like TWO. Like me."
bitch.
"bith i told u u were muthafucking grounded for kinkshaming me in my own home. i am ur mother and the assatar. if u think u can sass me u got another think or too coming. max to my ass. and that's a lot be cause my ass is magisassical." i sassed sassily at my son.
"What do you mean "son"? Why are you putting that in your dialogue tag? I'm your daughter, and so is Hijari (A/N or hijab ari) the wolf over there. And don't put author's notes in the middle of my dialogue! The readers can figure out the bad puns you're making me drop because they'll be different from the
puns that I usually set down."
What the fuck evr she don't run this shit. suddenly a plane crashed out of the sky and gently knocked her head against the mansion and she was aut cold. server her rite. but i gave her an ice pack because she is my chile.
fang sighed an put his hand on my left boob. "only the good die young. but she was fuckin oful so she's only nocked out."
"WHAT THE FRICK DID U JSUST FURICKING SAY ABOUT HER YOU LITTLE BISNIGTHCH?" RI DROPPED FIVE DOLLAR INTO SWEAR JAR. "I HATE YOU GO DDIE"
i ingored him becaus e fang was awakening straight feelings agen.
"whoswhow me ur dick" i said smexily only im a girl so it wasnt smexy u sicko
suddenly, iffy out his hand on my other boob. "nice" he saind/
"nice? just nice? i am the assatar" i burst into flame tears, "my boobs can be notheing les than PREFECDT" i watched as behin me, jay's ghost appeared.
"i said that first." he ghosted, floating through my ass. it wuz like ghost anal. "listen u hetoro cum sluts, this is my waifu 5 laifu. that means more than 4 laifu. so even tho im ded i still fukk tht erryday"
instantoly fang and iggy put all thehy're wight on my boobs as they got reddy to fight.
'no! he's a ghost dummies' anfel said in thier heads. "u gotta get teh ghost shords duh and only the assatar can weld the gost sword MAJORA."
fuckin wonderfu. another simple pleasure ruined by sjws and their "cultural appropriation."
"Shit the FUCK IP Anhelll. yeh u heard me Anhell, bc u sure as Heeal ain't no holy bitch, i saw u cuddlin up to gasbobm real snooth last night. ho. this aint game a thrones u skany ass bich" she cried hard and ran away ti fin mxa. cri babe.
"nah bitch we gotta run" fagn souted at me, "max a fucked up ho im talkin tayler stiwf level of fukt up (a/n i only listen to real music like iglu austraelya and micheal mikal roma niece so i don't kno how to spell tampon salft's name) we gotta roll bigth."
"I'm gonna fucking fight her," max 2 sed.
STOP CRUSN G UR SEX . WAITN O I AMEN SEX. SIX. ari cried because freud was rite.
jusy them i sawed her. sttitting theer across hte way. max. coming arounf the corner, she stared at me and lift. like i couldn't see her rots. fuckin bottle blone.
"OH HEEEEEEEELEELLLEEE NO." she scream. "FNAG IS MA MAN" sujenly i saw her take her shurt off
A BOOB NATION FIGHTER!
ARI SCREM AND COVER HIS FACE IN HIS HIJAB
"Take this shit away from the literal seven-year-old child, are you fucking serious," mxii said like A BITCH. watever she just thirsy for that iggy dick i kno bc he only str9 for me.
as punishment i make out with icky right now immediatly . it was good. i battle with his togn for winnerince.
fang growld possflty. oh rite. him. emo fuck. im all about the classic mdiocre wite boy.
"wat the fuk did u just fuking sai aboat meme u liltle bich" ghost jay (a/n jay is based own my rl hubsndo so shoat out too him i wuv u jitso) SHOATED like a fish loving homestuck fuck
"no time BOOB FUGHT" fang shoutsd pointingat his exfg. whatever. i can take a ho.
i can't remember much of the boob fight. I, like Max and James Patterson, really suck at accurately portraying what happens in a fight. This is one of the fundamental problems in a series that claims to be "action-packed" and "high-flying." Especially egregious is the fact that said claims are made by an author that regularly makes it on to the New York Times Bestseller List. Not only that, but Mr. Patterson graduated Summa Cum Laude from Manhattan College with a Bachelor's in English, and Summa Cum Laude from Vanderbilt University with a Master's in English. It's also worth mentioning that Vanderbilt University is a school with an accoladed English department. That's all without mentioning the various awards that Patterson's books have received, or the fact that he holds the Guinness world record for books written. but all i kno is a nocked a bitch the FUCK OWT.
BITCH BE FALLIN ALL THE WAY TO TOOSDAY AND THEY'RE AIN'T NOTHIN HER SIDE HO TWIN CON DUE TO STOP ME
"
day. Nice." sed her side ho twin sed. even tho she wa s knocked the fuck out. bitch we know we got plot holes at cleas t we aknowlege them. unlike SOME FUCKIN PEOPLE WHO GRADUATED SUMMA CUM LAUDE FROM TWO GOT DAMN SCHOOLS.
Again, like Maximum, I must make this story about me. While my son, Max II, and my Snijari, Ari, lie dying of a plane crash and embarrassment respectively, I for once, grabbed my own boob in the most patriotic way possible. I had mastered boob fighting. It was time to go on to fight the Booty Nation. Lead by my true loves. Boyoncé and Nocki Minoj.
So as I stood there, holding my own boob, I began to speak.
"I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America.."
Fang and Iggy grabbed their boobs as well, and began to say it with me. Jay refrained from boob grabbing, but was still just as American. Together, we could maybe probably take down the Booty Nation. With faith, trust, and sugar dust.
a bunch of conservatives ztared at me. "HOW CAN U BE PATRIOT IF HIBAJB? TERORROSIM"
i put my middle fingers up at them.
END OF PART I...