Author's Note: This is an idea I've had for ages but I finally got the motivation to actually post. The first few chapters are less funny since I'm setting up the plot here. But trust me, it gets better. Hope you get some laughs from it!

Situation: Critical

-Chapter 1-

"Are you sure this won't hurt?

"Absolutely."

"Positive?"

"Yes."

"One hundred percent?"

"Unequivocally."

Gloria van Gouten considered. "Well. I don't know what that means, but I'll trust you." Sasha sighed heavily, using every ounce of willpower he had to resist defining the word to her.

Gloria had been, in the past, a huge star on television. With her strong background in the act of acting, her dramatic, emotion-conveying voice, and her frizzy hair that stood everywhere, she had a commanding presence that drew all eyes to her. On the stage, she was nothing short of fabulous. In Sasha Nein's lab, she stood out like a sore thumb.

Sasha Nein was a man of science, and tended to go to great lengths to conduct psychological experiments on people with unusual psyches. Gloria had one such psyche (she had once been a resident at an insane asylum, diagnosed as being bipolar) and, a year after her release from the asylum, Sasha had decided she warranted study. Of course, he knew that Gloria would have never gone for it if she knew it was for science. So he'd insisted he was her biggest fan, which was such an enormous lie that he'd almost felt bad about it. (Almost. It was, after all, for science.)

Sasha had "forgotten" to mention he was also a psychic government agent—a psychonaut. Considering he dressed in black suits, dark sunglasses, and operated an underground laboratory, he felt that if she was too stupid to know he was a psychic government agent, she didn't deserve to know.

"What I'm going to do," he explained, "is put this on your forehead—"

"What is it?" interrupted Gloria. Sasha frowned.

"It's a… erm… never mind what it is. You'll go into a trance while I project myself into your—erm—I mean, I'm going to stay here outside your mind like a normal non-psychic scientist—erm—I mean, huge fan, who also happens to be a scientist. While you're in the trance I'll be able to explore your psyche—erm—I mean, I'll ask you questions and… yes. That's what will happen."

"Well just make sure you don't get too personal," said Gloria luxuriously, stretching out. "I know the temptation a woman of my type presents to a man such as yourself." She laughed over-dramatically and batted her eyelashes.

Sasha scoffed and rolled his eyes. Luckily, she couldn't see it behind his sunglasses.

"Yes, well, let's continue," he said primly. He carefully stuck the psycho-portal to her forehead (it was a standard-issue device for all psychonauts, to allow them to project themselves into non-psychic minds) and stood back to admire it.

Gloria, of course, immediately misinterpreted Sasha's fond, almost gushy expression.

"Never mind, my dear boy," she drawled, patting his arm condescendingly. "I'm sure someday you'll find a woman. Not me, of course, but someone who fits you, who you can love and cherish and hold and—"

Sasha put a hand over his face miserably.

"—to share your joys and sorrows, your laughter and tears…" Gloria continued airily, unaware of Sasha's embarrassment. The only time he ever got the stupid, lovey look on his face was when he was about to conduct an experiment, usually one that involved fancy equipment.

"—standing in the moonlight, whispering each other's names as your explore each other's bod—"

"Okay, thank you, Gloria, that's enough!" said Sasha shrilly, blushing deeply. He rose. "Just try and relax while I project—er, I mean—put you in a trance."

"And you're sure this won't hurt?" she asked, a hand rising to delicately touch the psycho-portal on her head.

"Of course not," said Sasha. "Unless, of course, something really very bad happens."