He Couldn't
by Yellow Dart Vader
(This story can also be found at the Pad-Ani Fanfic Archive (www (dot) padanifanfic (dot) com).)
As the ship hurtled through the vast, black vacuum of space, Anakin barely heard the engine's high-pitched whizzing, nor did he see the various colored lights from the countless stars the ship passed. Now that it was safely in hyper-drive, his ship no longer needed its pilot's undivided attention, so Anakin allowed his mind to wander to his beloved Padmé.
He stared out the front transpari-steel window, focusing on nothing in particular. The various lights merged together to create a mirage of his beloved, clad only in a thin white gown. But she was only a figment of his imagination. These angelic visions were never real. How he wished she could be in the co-pilot's seat next to him.
Although he had left her just a few hours ago, the pain from her absence had now grown into an all-encompassing physical illness. Soon, the pain would dull into a persistent ache. Until then, he would suffer in silence, equipped only with his memories and his visions. The warmth and the love he had felt just a few hours ago washed over him, numbing the pain.
His image was shattered when a familiar, accented voice invaded his thoughts. "Anakin, we'll be approaching the Cato Nemodian air space in twenty . . ."
At the sound of Obi-Wan's voice, again he was faced with the harsh reality of both the war and his separation. He took a deep breath and shook his head.
"Anakin, did you hear me?" Obi-Wan's voice grew more insistent.
"Yes, master. We have twenty minutes to pull out of hyper-drive." He heaved a sigh of resignation. The sooner they took care of the Separatists, the sooner he could go back home where he belonged. He loved being a Jedi, but the long missions -- stacked one upon the next -- were driving him insane.
"Are you all right, padawan?"
Anakin looked up to see Obi-Wan's bearded face poking through the door. Anakin smiled. "I'm just . . ."
"Just?"
Instead of saying what he was truly thinking, Anakin spoke only half-truths. "Tired. I haven't been sleeping well."
"Again?"
"When have I ever slept well?"
Obi-Wan laid a hand on Anakin's shoulder. "About your mother?"
Anakin shook his head, but didn't speak for fear of telling Obi-Wan his every thought, every fear. He would not do anything to get himself expelled from the order. He would not shame Padmé.
Obi-Wan merely nodded his acceptance. His voice shook when he said, "I am sorry about your mother . . . I should have --"
Anakin shrugged. "-- I . . . I'm fine."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes. "Are you sure?"
He nodded. There was so much he wanted to say about his mother, about the Jedi, about his love . . . Instead, he closed his mouth and nodded without saying a word.
Anakin wondered if Obi-Wan could feel his thoughts. He had practiced his mind-screening techniques since Geonosis, but he wasn't sure if he had managed to block his thoughts so even Obi-Wan could not sense them.
Even the thoughts of his mother were overwhelmed by Padmé. Padmé. Padmé.
Her soft touch and passionate kiss burned his skin. Even Anakin wasn't powerful enough to mask the love that radiated from his every pore.
He knew Obi-Wan must sense something, especially in such close quarters, but neither man said a word. They created the perfect picture of the heroic Jedi team renowned throughout the galaxy.
Anakin's heart raced, and, even from afar, he could sense her boundless, unconditional love. The feeling calmed him, but it also made his heart ache. Imagination and fantasy were not enough. He needed her.
He wanted to forget tradition, decorum, and codes and surrender to his feelings. He wanted to tell Obi-Wan the truth.
"Master?"
"Yes?" Obi-Wan tilted his head down and his clear, blue eyes locked with Anakin's.
But . . . he couldn't form the words.
"Nothing." He looked down at the control panel. "Leaving hyper-drive in six minutes."
"Very good," was Obi-Wan's only response.
Padmé had been right all along. They couldn't live like this. Hiding for the few months since their wedding had been torture. He was sick of their secret already. He wanted nothing more than to tell the world -- to tell his master -- about the depth of his love for Senator Padmé Nabarrie Skywalker Amidala.
But he couldn't.
The End.
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