EXPLANATORY NOTE - and boy, does this need some explaining!
This is not a solo effort, but a three-hander. The first part of this story had already been included on the fan faction net, but the three of us then agreed to expand on it, contributing additional pieces as and when. I should also confess that one or two of the jokes may go over reader's heads, but they made us laugh.
The names of the other two authors have been removed to protect the innocent and the foolhardy. Enjoy.
UNIT - 4 PLUS 2
Does Travel Broaden the Mind?
You have to imagine how it is. Or do I mean was? Hmmm!
For some, the problem is getting your brain around what is going on. Reality, or your previous conception of it, seemed to have flown out of the window!
We all live our mundane lives, as we do, when out of the blue, literally, something appears that changes things for all time. Time? Now there's a concept we all have very little understanding of the possibilities of.
It was an ordinary sort of day. Typical summer, started off grey, then the sun broke through, eventually hanging up there, in an all blue sky, virtually all on its ownsome. I was on holiday. Well, I'd taken a break from work and not having really thought about it beforehand, hadn't made any arrangements to go anywhere. Pathetic really, but that's the way of things. With me, anyway!
I'd just been 'round the corner to get a morning paper. Have I already mentioned mundane? I was just about to cross the road to the front gate of where I lived, when there was a sort of groaning/grinding noise. I couldn't make out where exactly it was coming from. Then I thought I was hallucinating or there might be something the matter with my eyes, for where I had been looking across at the house I had lived in all my life, as the noise had started, everything began to shimmer. Like a mirage in a sixties TV serial. All that was lacking were the wiggly lines!
It's all right me remembering this now, as if time had been passing slowly (time, there it is again) but this happened in seconds, or less even! And there in front of me, slap bang in the middle of the road, with a sort of echoing clunk - I can hardly believe I'm saying this - was an old battered looking Police Box?!!!
As I started to walk round it, the door opened and this mop of curly hair appeared. The face below it, gazing away from me at first, but swiftly turning towards me. "Hello! I'm the Doctor!"
"You can't leave that there, it's in the middle of the road! Someone will drive into it! It's dangerous!"
"Really?! I'm terribly sorry . . . "
"Yeah, that's all very well, but what are you gonna do about it . . . wha- wha-what do you mean, you're the Doctor?"
"Well, that's what everyone calls me. Of course I've been called a few other things over the centuries."
"Yeah, never mind that, just move it . . . Shall I give you a hand - Centuries?" I said, as I pushed him back inside and in a moment of madness, followed him in. I'm a small bloke and he was a huge. . . well much taller than me, but curiosity had seemed to have taken me over!
I still can't believe I did that. In a way I wish I hadn't. What am I saying? 'Course I don't wish that, otherwise I wouldn't have . . . well, just bear with me.
Anyway there I was, rooted to the spot and starting to jabber. "It . . . It . . . errrrrr it's . . . errrrrrrrr . . . It's . . . bigger on the inside . . ."
"Ye-es . . . than it is on the outside! Yes, they all say that. By Rassilon, how I'm sick to death of that!"
"It's huge," I said gabbling, "It's . . . well . . . huge!"
"Yes, you've said that. Shall we move, just in case you're right and we cause an accident?" As he was saying this, he went over to this strange desk, in the centre of wherever we were. I thought it was circular, but as I went up to it, I realised, it was, in fact, hexagonal.
This Doctor chappie was fiddling about with some switches and buttons and knobs and things, as he was darting around it, finally pulling down a lever. Immediately, there was the sound of a gentle thud behind me, where huge (so . . . I like the word huge) doors closed, through which we must have entered.
Then, there was a grinding noise and then a whooshing sort of noise, which made me wheel round towards the desk thing, in the centre which was a sort of clear column with lights inside, that started to rise and fall. "What the f . . .?"
"Oh dear!" I heard him utter.
I looked over to him, where he was at it again. Flipping and twiddling, occasionally banging with his fist on part of the desk, as he continued to mumble to himself. All the time, the column continued to rise and fall with its strange grinding sound.
I was still trying to take in the size of the place, little realising that something else was puzzling me. Where was the light coming from? There were no lights, as such. No bulbs, no neon strips, no diffusers of any kind. It was just . . . bright.
"I'm most dreadfully sorry," he started to say to me, "but I think we're on the way to Kastor Minor in the galaxy of Prado Urmor. The co-ordinates are so similar to those of where we were, and I've adjusted the wrong part."
"Yeah, right! Now you've moved it - What do you mean, you've moved it? Lets just get back outside. This place is doing my head in."
"No, you don't understand. . . I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced. I'm the Doctor."
"Yeah, and I'm the Lawyer!"
"Are you really? You don't look like a lawyer, but of course lawyers look like all sorts of people. And they probably all look different on their day off. Is it your day off?"
"Yes it is, how did you . . . Nah! Nah, wait a minute, I'm not a lawyer, just pulling your leg, about this 'arm the Doctor crap.'"
"Yes, but that's what I am. So what do I call you?"
"Well, I don't see as it matters, but as you've asked, it's Dino and I don't want any of that Flintstones doodah."
"Flintstones? What are Flintstones? Well I know what flint stones are, but what's that got to do with your name?"
"Oh, forget it! Come on let's get out of here. Open those doors."
"Ah! That's what I wanted to tell you."
"C'mon, open these doors, this place is beginning to get up my nose."
"Is it? We-ell, there are times when it does that to me too, but . . . Look, I'm sorry young man, but shortly, we are about to land on Kastor Minor. Not much of a planet in Earth terms, but not unpleasant. I have this terrible habit of ending up somewhere I hadn't intended. I only intended moving a few feet and instead we have travelled . . . oooh, must be several light years. "
"Listen mate, this is all very clever an' all that, but just open the effing doors and I won't bother you any more."
With that he just flapped his arms with exasperation at my narrow mindedness (I didn't know it at the time), leant over the desk with his head bowed, where he stayed momentarily, until there was that grinding, groaning noise I'd heard before. The column, in the middle of the desk thingy, sort of slowed, stopped in mid-rise and then gently sank to rest. Then all was quiet apart from a gentle background hum that I hadn't noticed before.
The so-called Doctor's head snapped up from his bowed, despondent position. "We're there! We've arrived!" he said turning and flashing an enormous expanse of teeth. "Let's see what it's like here." Flicking some switches, a panel opposite, across from the desk, slowly slide to one side revealing a huge (must have a thing about that word!) screen upon which a weird scene appeared.
"Don't think much of that channel and the colour's a bit wonky. Look at that sky! It's pink! And what's all that about?"
There on the screen, was, what at first glance, appeared to be a town square, but the buildings were unlike anything I had ever seen before. It was all of a mixture, of domed and spiky-towered . . . well . . . towers. How would I describe them? Nothing seemed to be square or have any parallel sides. There was something else odd too. No windows! There was nothing that could be called a window, an orifice or opening to look out from, from within these buildings. And no doors either!
The square, although it certainly wasn't square, was all angles. Gentle, non-acute angles, but from where I was viewing it, I couldn't tell what shape it was forming. It was paved, almost like a large mosaic, in variously and amazingly coloured slabs, again, non of which had parallel sides.
I was taking all this in, but what was really smacking my gob, were the people that were in this square. People, I'm sure that's what they were, but they were . . . blue! Well, not blue . . . Blue-ish! Yes, daft I know. All sorts of blue-ish shades. I'd thought I was seeing them in a sort of reverse negative and what should have been a normal flesh colour, was the negative colour of blue. Must admit I don't know what the reverse colour of pinky flesh is, so this might all be a load of rubbish! It was hard to take in. They were clothed of course, unusual clothes yeah, but clothed.
That's why I had thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, about their colour. There was also the fact that they were all floating about a foot or so above the ground. They didn't seem to have any visible legs and darted about like goldfish in a bowl!!! I don't remember having anything alcoholic!!! Oh and did I mention that the sky was pink!! Bloody hell!
"Come on, what's with this video? Just open the doors and I won't trouble you any more!"
"Video? What video? Oh! I see! No, this isn't a video. This is what is outside! These are the people of . . . Yes, well I can't be sure, but it should be Kastor Minor." As he banged one of the dials on the desk. "Oh! I wasn't expecting that! Hmmmm!" And he banged it again. "Aha! Just what I thought!"
"Yeah?" I said with some exasperation. Expecting a bit more clarification. Instead he casually moved around the desk twiddling and dabbling and mumbling to himself, before finally . . .
"Well, it looks alright. The air isn't unlike that of Earth, but slightly acidic. The atmospheric pressure is a somewhat heavier, but it shouldn't be a problem as long as we don't have to exert ourselves. Let's have a look outside."
"You're winding me up," I said as I strode towards where the huge, (yes I said it again) doors were swinging open. "Oh my God, what's that smell?" Stepping outside to where I was expecting to find the front door of my house, I stopped in my tracks.
"Hell's teeth! Look at that!" I turned to find the so-called Doctor just locking the door of the police box. I must be dreaming! I shook my head but it was all the same as I looked around. I hadn't realise just how huge - there it is again - the square or area or whatever it was, that we were in, was. He was standing beside me now. Adjusting a wide brimmed hat on the shock of curly hair. He too looked around at our surroundings.
"Quite marvellous, don't you think? I wonder if the natives are friendly?"
In the moments we had been standing there, we had been attracting some attention and to tell the truth, it was only then, realising I wasn't outside my front door, that not only did I not know where I was, but that there were these strange people. Blue people, with no legs, that floated in the air and darted about like goldfish and that they were beginning to congregate around us, getting closer and more numerous by the second. Oh hell! I hope I don't wet myself!!
Needless to say, everything was all fine. Well there was a bit of a sticky moment, when one of these blue-ish people tried taking my morning paper from me, that I still seemed to be clutching. But it all got sorted out and we zapped to some other planet, well several really, over the next few months. Some were a bit hairy. I had the pleasure of meeting some Daleks, Ogrons, Movellans and Draconians, to mention a few, but each time the Doctor managed to get us out of trouble we had managed to find ourselves in.
Despite it all being a real whiz, providing I didn't try to think too deeply about it all, I had been worried that people back on 'Earth', I can't believe I said that, would wonder where I was. That I had become another statistic, of one of those people that disappear, never to be seen again. Abducted by aliens. Nah, you never get that in the UK, you only ever read that happening in America.
Well, the Doctor managed to bring me back to almost the time before we left. I said we have no real concept of what time means. So no one ever knew I'd gone anywhere. I couldn't tell anyone. They'd think I'd really gone off my trolley. Now what did I do with that paper?
The Sports Shop
Now I'm not one to gossip, well I am but only when it is something really good. So it has been very difficult the last few months keeping my mouth shut, even more difficult than usual. But somehow I think I can tell you because you have seen things just as strange.
It started one Saturday. I had gone out that morning with the express intention of getting some exercise. I felt I needed it, as I sometimes do every one in a decade. Anyway I was stomping along the high street when I walked past the local sports shop. Now the only thing I know for sure about sport is that I know nothing about it, so normally I would not have bothered to stop. But there were advertising as sale of trainers and footwear and looking down I thought it would not hurt to pick up a spare pair for the next time I felt energetic.
I went in and found the shop to be rather cramped. There were all sorts of sport bags hanging on the walls over various forms of equipment that looked like medieval torture devices.
I was looking at the footwear when another customer walked in. He was a strange looking individual. He had a young gentle face with a dazed expression. He was wearing cricket kit under a strangely long beige blazer. He marched over to the counter with his hands clasped behind his back. As he passed I noticed that his fairish hair seemed to have highlights that made him look like a reject from an early 80s pop group. I turned back to the shoes and tried to forget about him.
I could hear the man talking to the shop assistant about bats and how it was hard to find one with a really good swing. I sat down on my heal examining a particularly cheap pair of trainers.
"I'll just try this one out," I heard the man say to the assistant.
Suddenly my bad knee began to twinge and I had to stand up. Looking at the trainers I decided to buy them and turned to go to the counter to pay. I briefly saw the bat before it hit.
* * * * * *
When I woke up I was of course in a bit of a daze. So at first I thought I could hear the constant whine of a motorbike at my side. I quickly realised however that the noise was in fact an Australian woman talking. My head was pounding and when I opened my eyes the light was to bright so I kept them shut. I lay there listening to the conversation.
"Why did you bring him here?" said the woman.
"I didn't know what else to do," said a man, I recognised the voice of the man from the shop.
"Couldn't you have just called an ambulance?" she suggested.
"How could I, they would not have been able to help with an injury like that. His only hope was to bring him here where I could fix him up," he replied.
I then heard a strange rumbling.
"Oh no, I told Turlough not to touch the console," said the man.
It was at this point that I drifted off into unconsciousness again.
* * * * * *
"Oh dear," said the male voice.
"What's he doing here?" asked a female voice.
"I forgot about him, I put him here to recover and forgot about him." The male voice sounded slightly Liverpudlian.
"Well, how long has he been here?" The female's voice sounded young and very posh.
"Oh, time is relative you know."
"How long?"
"Oh, about two or three."
"What weeks, months?"
"Centuries, I think."
"Doctor, are you telling me that two hundred years ago you knocked out some poor passer by with a cricket bat, brought him back to the TARDIS to perform emergency surgery, put him in a spare bedroom and forgot about him?" asked the girl sternly.
"Well, no . . . maybe . . . OK yes, but he'll have slept thought it all. That was quite a sedative I gave him."
"Well what you going to do with him now?"
"Well Charley, I think a cup of tea would be a good idea."
* * * * * *
I was sitting in a high-backed Victorian armchair sipping a cup of tea. In the background I could hear a gentle hum. This was a very strange room. It was like the front room of a very old Victorian house dropped down inside a giant hexagonal gothic cathedral.
The owners of the two voices I had heard earlier now sat cross-legged in front of me. The little Liverpudlian man with curly hair has introduced himself as the Doctor and explained that he was somehow related to the blonde man who had hit me with the cricket bat. Sitting there he looked strangely out of place, as though he would be more comfortable with a shaven head and jeans than the long flowing locks and byronesque costume he was wearing.
The girl was called Charley had a cherubic face under a mop of blonde hair. For some reason she reminded me of a cabbage patch doll. When I told her this she did not seem to know what I was talking about but the Doctor stifled a giggle.
The two of them kept giving me concerned looks and asking me how I felt but most of the time they were talking to each other, about what to do with me.
"I'm not so sure that is a good idea, Doctor," said Charley.
"I think it would be splendid, we were heading there anyway and the atmosphere will help him recover. He is still dazed you know," replied the Doctor.
"But won't he find it all a little bit disturbing?"
"Nonsense, with that sedative still in his system I could put on a William Shatner mask and he wouldn't bat an eyelid."
"Doctor, don't remind me about that horrible film," pleaded Charley.
* * * * * *
Whatever the Doctor had promised I was still a little shook up. When he and Charley had led me out of that big room through the double doors I had expected to enter another room or a quiet garden. Nothing had prepared me however for the sight that would greet me.
When I had stepped out and looked back only to see a Police Box I had been puzzled. I had however, been completely bemused to look up and see a pink sky. We ambled our way through the streets of a very peculiar town where every building was a tower without windows. The Doctor said the town square was just ahead of us and that it had the most remarkable architecture. He marched on ahead of me and Charley, eager to get to it.
He stopped dead in his tracks ahead of us and clasped his head in shock. "Oh no, what am I . . . I mean, what is he doing here?"
Finally we caught up with him and looked into the centre of the square at what was upsetting him.
A great crowd of people hovered on the other side of the square and I mean literally hovered. Strange blue people without legs whooshing about like goldfish in a bowl. The all seemed fascinated by something. When I looked harder I could see what had their attention. It was another Police Box with two men standing outside. One of the men was tall with a mop of brown curly hair, big teeth and a long scarf. The other man was slightly shorter, had a beard and was engaged in a tug of war over a newspaper with one of the blue people.
I could not hear what they were saying but it was about something being huge.
To be continued. . .
Yates
It's a strange life here at UNIT.
I'd only recently joined, you see, and if I hadn't see it with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it.
I really should have paid more attention to the Brigadier on my first day. I mean, I heard what he said. I just didn't take it all in. "So, you've been assigned to us from the regular army?"
"Yes sir."
"You'll find things a little different from what you've been used to." The next thing he said went clear over my head. "We deal in the unknown, the unexplained. Whether it's on Earth, or beyond."
I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly. "Sorry sir, I don't. . . "
"I'll leave you in Sergeant Benton's charge. He'll explain things a bit more." I really hoped so. He might be a Brigadier, but I did think he was a bit . . . well. "Oh, and one more thing."
"Sir?"
"Our scientific advisor may pop in from time to time."
I'd heard about him. "The Doctor, sir?"
"That's right. Splendid chap. Trouble is, you never know what face he'll be wearing from one minute to the next." And that was it. End of interview, and I was left wondering just what sort of nuthouse I'd ended up in. 'Oh well, ' I thought to myself, 'First day of term. What can happen?'
I was about to find out.
*****
To be fair, Sergeant Benton was alright. As he took me on the guided tour, I started to relax a bit more. Maybe this UNIT posting was going to be okay after all. "Hey, have you seen the Doctor's lab yet?" the Sergeant asked.
I was a bit dubious. "I thought that was restricted?"
"It is, usually," he admitted. "But as the Doc's off on his travels, it can't hurt."
The lab wasn't too far away and we were soon outside the door. "Now, don't touch anything," Sergeant Benton warned me. "Otherwise the Doc'll go spare." He opened the double doors, and the first thing I saw was the huge amount of equipment scattered about the place. Every square inch was filled with stuff I'd never seen before. The only exception was one corner of the room, which was left untouched. "What do you think, then?"
"It's beyond me," I admitted. "What is he, this Doctor? Some kind of inventor?"
"Something like that." A 'phone started to ring from out in the corridor. "I'd better get that," the Sergeant said. "You okay to wait here?" I nodded, and he rushed out, leaving me on my own.
I sat down on a nearby stool and waited. I was beginning to think what a cushy number this was going to be, when I heard a strange sound. Nothing like I'd ever heard before, like a wheezing and groaning mixed together. Then, in the one empty corner of the lab, a blue shape started to appear. As the sound grew louder, the shape became more solid, until I recognised it as one of those old Police Call Boxes that were broken up years back. And now here was one appearing from nowhere. I barely had time to get up from the stool when the door opened, and a man stepped out from it, dressed in some kind of long frock coat and an even longer scarf. "UNIT HQ. Just the place." He turned to face me. "Ah, hello. You must be. . . "
I could hardly speak. "How. . . how. . ."
He shook my hand vigorously. "How do you do. I'm the Doctor. Sorry to drop in unannounced, but I thought this was the best place." With that, he stepped back into the Police Box, and when he next came out he was dragging out some poor chap who looked really out of it. "I'm afraid this poor fellow took a nasty knock on the head," he explained. "Where's the hospital?"
I finally got my voice back. "Don't you mean the infirmary?"
The Doctor's eyes brightened. "Oh yes! Now come on, give me a hand with him." One arm over each shoulder, we carried him between us to the infirmary. Luckily he wasn't that tall, so not heavy to move. His glasses were half hanging off him, and saw that he was gripping a newspaper in one hand very tightly. "You might have to prize his fingers open," the Doctor suggested. "I somehow don't think he'll let go of it otherwise."
I nodded, just as we arrived at the infirmary, where there was only one other bed occupied. The Doctor and I laid our patient down onto the next bed. It was only then that I saw the Doctor staring - not at me, but past me. I looked around to see a man and a woman standing at the far side of the next bed. The girl was dressed pretty normally, but the man looked as though he had come from a fancy dress party dressed as Wild Bill Hickcock. They both looked at us - no, the Doctor - as if they had seen a ghost. "Oh no," said the man.
"Doctor?" the girl asked.
"Yes," they both answered. Both of them.
"Do you two know each other?" I asked them.
"In a manner of speaking," the stranger said. "I'm the Doctor, by the way," he added, introducing himself.
"Ri-ight," I said, not quite sure what was going on. "So what are you doing here?" I asked the new arrivals.
"Well, our travelling companion had a bit of a nasty turn, so I thought the best thing to do was to bring him here."
"Great minds, eh?" noted the Doctor.
"Yes." It was clear that this other Doctor didn't want to get too involved in conversation. I looked down at the other newly arrived patient. This one had a bruise across his head, which had nearly healed. All the same, looking from one to the other, neither of them looked too good.
Then the newest one opened his eyes and looked across at his bedmate. "Dino?"
Recognition of his name seemed to encourage the other one to wake up. "Andrew, is that you?"
The two Doctors and the girl seemed relieved at this development. "They both seem alright," the girl observed.
"I think you're right, Charley," her Doctor approved. "Well, I think we'd better be on our way, don't you, Doctor?"
"Mmm?" The Doctor I knew seemed distracted. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Back to the TARDIS?"
"Back to the TARDIS," they all agreed.
They turned to leave the ward, until the Doctor turned back. "You know, I can't help thinking we've forgotten something."
Just then the two patients looked up at me and stared, shocked. A similar look passed between the Doctors. "That's what we forgot!" they said in unison, and before I could stop them, they were gone.
My two patients continued to stare at me. Just as I was debating what to do next, Sergeant Benton came in. "What's going on here? I left you in the lab."
I indicated the two men and quickly explained about what had happened. When I mentioned the two Doctors, the Sergeant seemed to understand. "Well, everything seems okay," he agreed.
"Apart from the fact that those two keep staring at me," I pointed out.
"Well, if they've been travelling with the Doctor, that's the least of your troubles." He could see I was still doubtful. "Look, I'll get Dr Sullivan to take a look at them, alright?"
*****
And that was it, my first day at UNIT. Since then, I've seen enough aliens, Time Lords and monsters to last me several lifetimes. But I still think back to those two fellows brought in by the Doctor - and the Doctor. They suffered briefly from delusions, muttering about pink skies, blue people and cricket bats. Then after a couple of days they were declared fit and well, and left. But one thing still puzzles me.
My name is Mike Yates. So who on Earth is Gary?
Captain who?
The man who called himself Captain Yates left the room. I sat there, still feeling in a daze and looked at Dino. He was adjusting his glasses and looked back at me and shrugged his shoulders.
"What's wrong with Gary, he seems a bit. . . "
"Deluded," finished Dino.
We both shook our heads in resignation.
"I haven't seen you since. . . " I said.
"That Juliet Bravo Convention in Manchester last year," finished Dino.
"Yes, I wonder if Gary finished that Juliet Bravo Video Box set cover he was doing before he lost his marbles."
"I think so, I'm sure I saw he selling copies at that Martin Banister signing," Dino replied.
I stood up and wobbled a bit. It may have been 300 years since that knock with a cricket bat but if felt like it had only happened yesterday.
"What's that?" said Dino.
"What's what?" said I.
"That knocking."
I listened and noticed a thumping coming from a cupboard in the corner of the room. I had not noticed it at first because of the thumping in my head. Dino stood up and moved over to the cupboard door. I followed him over and we both listened to the thumping. It was then that we noticed that we could also hear some mumbling coming from inside.
Dino turned the handle and opened the door. Sitting there on the floor was a rather posh looking young man. The effect of his poshness was slightly diminished however as we noticed that he was sitting there in his underwear and was bound and gagged.
"Mmmm, mmm bmmmm," he mumbled through the gag.
We could not understand what he was saying but Dino had a clever idea and removed the gag. "Help me, some lunatic attacked me with a folio of video covers, stole my uniform and locked me in here."
We looked at the floor beside him and sure enough there was a folio full of Juliet Bravo Video Covers lying beside him.
"Gary!" Dino and I exclaimed simultaneously.
"Who are you?" Dino asked the man.
"Yates, Captain Mike Yates".
* * * * * *
I left Yates with Dino in the infirmary and crept out into the corridor where I could hear voices just around the corner. Quietly I sneaked up to the corner and looked around at the source of the voices. There was Gary in Yates' uniform, standing unmoving in a form of trance. Another man stood in front of him and was talking to him. The other man had a black beard very similar to Gary but was dressed entirely in black. He had a very charming manner as I listened carefully to what he was saying.
"All is going to plan, I have infiltrated UNIT with my own Captain Yates who will be under my control, Ha ha ha."
"Yes, Master," replied Gary.
The man handed Gary something that looked like a little black torch.
"Now take this and dispose of Mr Yates and those other two interlopers, and remember. I am the Master and you WILL obey ME!!!"
"Yes, Master," Gary replied.
Gary turned in my direction and I ran back to the room. Once inside I quickly told Dino and Yates what I had seen and we hatched a plan.
* * * * * *
I sat next to Yates on the edge of the bed. Then the door opened and Gary marched in, straight up to us raising the hand in which he was holding the torch. It was then that our plan swung into action. Dino pounced from behind the door with his newspaper raised high above his head and began to repeatedly whack Gary on the top of his noggin.
Yates and I pounced and grabbed Gary by the arms as Dino continued to whack away and Gary slowly lost consciousness.
"I think that's enough now, Dino," said Yates.
WHACK.
"I think he's out now, Dino," I said.
WHACK.
"Stop now, he's out cold!" Yates and I yelled.
WHACK.
WHACK.
"Ok," said Dino. "I think he's out now."
WHACK.
Later the three of us stood around the bed where we had laid out the unconscious Gary. Occasionally he would mumble some strange instruction like:
"Reduce it to A4 size please."
and
"Don't forget to replace the toner."
and
"Oooo, Rymans."
We were just puzzling over what on earth he was muttering about when the door swung open and in marched another man.
To be continued. . .
Lisp
Well, it wasn't so much a march, more of a mince. He was a tall thin figure. All the more striking because of the shock of white hair, giving the impression of a bright light bulb and the billowing cape on his jacket, plus the frills of his shirt front and those poking out from his cuffs.
And there tottering behind him, was this pretty wide-eyed young woman, in a very short skirt and knee high white boots. Yates', Andrew's and Dino's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets, even Gary's, who had momentarily come to, before Dino gave him another thwack with his newspaper.
"Wherethes the Brigadier? I whaths told he whaths here! My dear young man, is it absolutely necessary to assault that chap. He theems to be in a bit of a daze."
"Doctor?" Said the young woman.
"Not now, Jo!"
"But Doc . . ."
"I thaid not now!" Then turning back to Dino, "May I ask what you are doing? That chap is obviously hurt, but this one with the bruise on his head doesn't look that bad." Turning to the others, " What about you other two? "
Yates stepped forward and saluted, pretty half hearted too, "Well my name is Yates, Captain Yates. I've only just been detailed here. I'm afraid I don't know these gentlemen's names, but they have something to do with the Doctor, or should I say Doctors."
"Did you thay Doctorths? Exactly how many Doctorths?"
Before Captain Yates could reply, Andrew, who had been a silent spectator so far, interjected. "There were two of them, but I've seen a third!" He leaned back on the bed, looking pleased with himself.
"What, three? Together?"
"Well, we've only seen two. They were here just now. Before you walked in. By the way who are you?"
"That'ths quite right, but I should introduce mythelf properly. I am the Doctor," he said with a flourish of his outstretched arms, flipping the cape back over his shoulders, "and this is my athithtant, Jo."
"Doctor. . ."
"Not now, Jo! You thay you've theen two Doctorths together?"
"But Doctor, what about the gefilte fish illiteration aspect?"
"Exactly! No no, Jo! Its the Blinovitch Limitation Effect!. Tsk, Tsk! I really ought to know better. Two of us together at the thame time - don't we know how dangereth thith ith?"
The others, including Gary were just looking from one to the other certain they were in the presence of some madman.
"C'mon Jo, we've got to make certain there hasn't been any permanent damage to the fabric of time."
With that he turned on his heel and disappeared back through the doors he had previously so dramatically appeared through, closely followed by young vision called Jo.
Andrew leant back on the bed rubbing his head, Dino was flicking through what was left of his newspaper, muttering to himself and Gary was arranging the video covers, scattered on his bed, into alphabetical order. Captain Yates was still staring at the doors swinging backward and forwards, mumbling to himself, "Mmm! Nice bum!"
Gary wakes up
"Who's got a nice bum?" They all turned to see the Brigadier. "Well?"
"Just making an observation, sir," Yates replied.
"Well, thank you for the compliment." Then Lethbridge Stewart did a double take. "Captain Yates, you're out of uniform!"
"No I'm not, sir," Gary protested.
The Brigadier sighed. "Yates, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Yates over there."
"Sorry sir," they both replied. "And I wasn't talking about your bum, sir," Yates added.
"Then whose were you observing, may I ask?"
"A pretty girl, tagging along with an older fellow with a lisp," he replied.
"Oh, you mean the Doctor," the Brigadier realised. "And who are these people? I don't recognise them."
"Well, I'm Andrew."
"I'm Dino."
"And I'm Mike Yates."
WHACK!
"Er, yes. Yates is the name."
WHACK!
"Ah, got it."
"At last," Dino sighed.
"I'm really Richard Franklin."
WHACK! WHACK! DOUBLE WHACK!!
The Brigadier was watching this with quiet amusement. "Do you have to keep hitting him with that newspaper?"
"Sorry," Dino apologised. "He's delirious."
"Hmm. Welsh name, is it?"
Dino gave up. "Oh, never mind. Can we go?"
"I'm afraid not," Lethbridge Stewart replied. "You have some serious charges to answer."
"Such as?" Andrew wondered.
"Well, there's impersonating a UNIT officer, for one. Then assault with a deadly newspaper - which newspaper was it, by the way?"
"The Evening Standard," Dino replied.
"Oh well, that's all right then. All charges are dropped."
"So, we can leave? Just like that?" Andrew was still doubtful.
"Yes, no point in you hanging about here. Off you go." They turned to leave.
"Just a minute." Yates protested. "What about my uniform?"
"Ah yes, good point," the Brigadier remembered.
Yates stood in Gary's way. "Hand back that uniform."
"Oh, alright," Gary moaned. "Didn't fit properly anyway." Both men quickly changed into their own clothes, before Gary, Dino and Andrew bid a hasty farewell.
"Did you think to escape my control so easily?" They froze at that voice. As one, everyone turned to face the Doctor's nemesis. "I am the Master, and you will obey me.
To be continued. . .
Wrong Turn
As one, everyone turned to face the Doctor's nemesis. "I am the Master, and you will obey me." He looked at them all. "How dare you undo my plans for domination of the world. My temporal restart device will solve this."
The Master pulled a strange looking device from his pocket and twisted a dial on its surface. "Oh bugger," he said. "I should have set it to take them all back ten minutes instead of five."
With that the room was enveloped in a temporal haze and. . .
Andrew leant back on the bed rubbing his head, Dino was flicking through what was left of his newspaper, muttering to himself and Gary was arranging the video covers, scattered on his bed, into alphabetical order.
Captain Yates was still staring at the doors swinging backward and forwards, mumbling to himself, "Mmm! Nice bum!".
Yates was impressed that the door glass was so reflective that it was a perfect mirror for him to admire himself in. Andrew and Dino looked at each other and sighed.
The four men left in the room all looked up from their individual activities when they heard a massive thump outside. They heard the lisping voice of the man who had just left speaking to the dazed young woman.
"Jo you really must get over your vanity and start wearing your glasses."
* * * * * *
Later that day Andrew, Dino, Gary and Yates had all been moved in to the Doctor's laboratory to await the Brigadier. Gary was admiring himself in Yates's uniform which he had been allowed to keep because his own clothes were still missing. Yates was however continuing to admire himself at every opportunity. He had appeared to become even more admiring when Jo had leant him her pink fluffy jacket to cover his modesty.
Andrew, Dino and Gary had huddled together near a Bunsen burner to keep warm and were comparing notes on recent events. Gary related how he had just left the "Bravo Shop" in east London when a man with a beard and dressed in black had come up to him and asked if he knew the way to this weeks meeting of Megalomaniac's Anonymous. That was the last thing Gary could remember until his collision with the Evening Standard.
Andrew and Dino told Gary about their recent adventure on the planet of the Newspaper Worshipers where they and their two Doctor's had been under threat of execution for violating the sacred newspaper and how they had escaped the evil clutches of the high priest Murdoch the Muncher.
Just then a wheezing groaning sound and the materialisation of a Police Box in the corner of the lab interrupted them. The door of the Police Box opened and a young man with red hair and wearing a schoolboy's uniform fell out. He landed with horrendous force at the feet of Yates, who helped the man up.
A voice hollered out of the Police Box. "Now let that be a lesson to you, never touch the red button. Next time I kick you out I won't come back!"
With that the door of the Police Box slammed shut and the box dematerialised. "He'll be back soon, he's just teaching me a lesson," said Turlough.
* * * * * *
Turlough had recognised Andrew as the unconscious person with a head wound that his Doctor still had stashed away somewhere. After the introductions he told everyone how he had pushed the Doctor a little too far this time and was being punished.
Andrew kept looking at Turlough's hair and wondering what colour it was supposed to be. Dino however was examining the paper for advertisements for counselling and Gary was trying very hard to keep away from Captain Yates, who was eyeing Gary's stolen uniform jealously.
Just then another wheezing groaning sound began to fill the room and another Police Box materialised. Turlough jumped up from his chair and ran over to the TARDIS. "He's back."
The red haired no gooder was in for a shock however when the door opened and a head he did not recognise popped out.
The head belonged to a girl with long blonde hair and thick black eyeliner. "Oh, groovy," she cooed before stepping out.
She was followed by a young blonde man in a sailors uniform and another dark haired man in a kilt. The young man in a kilt turned to look back in to the Police Box. "Och no, Doctor. You can't leave us here, there's a madman threatening us with a newspaper," he said.
"Sorry Jamie, got to go to this convention of all of me. They have booked the Albert Hall. I'll be back soon," said a well-spoken voice from inside the Box before the door shut and it too dematerialised.
Everyone in the room looked at each other in suspicion and then the door of the lab swung open and in strode a confident looking soldier with a moustache. He stood for a moment and examined the scene before him.
He looked at Andrew who seemed to be talking to himself because nobody else would, he looked at Dino who had taken to hitting himself over the head with his newspaper and shouting, "Oh Liz, where are you?"
The Brigadier then looked at the blonde woman with a smile. That dissolved however, when he saw Yates in his pink coat prodding Gary in his uniform, while a man in a kilt and two others dressed as a schoolboy and a sailor stood looking at the floor in an empty corner of the lab.
"Well, are you all going to break out in a rendition of YMCA, or is somebody going to tell what the hell is going on in my base?" bellowed the Brigadier.
Just then the doors of the lab swung open again and in marched the man in black with a beard. "Did you think to escape my control so easily?"
They froze at that voice. As one, everyone turned to face the Doctor's nemesis. "I am the Master, and you will obey me."
To be continued.
And whack
There was a muffled oompf! sound as he came in but no one took any notice. As the Master spoke, he put down the bag he had been holding. It was a well worn black leather holdall. A number of strange items spilled out. There were various small dolls, like Cindy and her male counterpart, plus what looked like a load of plastic daffodils.
The Brigadier, somewhat haughtily, said, "Do you have a pass?" before the realisation of who it was struck him. He had made the mistake of looking straight at the Master and before he could finish his call of "Ben . . ." he came to a stop. His features frozen in a blank stare, his body motionless.
Yates too, had already become motionless, looking even more ridiculous in Jo's pink jacket, but Dino was still immersed in his paper. In fact he had pulled out a biro and was doing the quick crossword. Well, that's what he wanted them to think. He was just writing any old word in the empty boxes. Gary was strutting about in Yates's uniform, picking up the occasional video cover that had fallen here and there.
Andrew was . . . yes, where was Andrew? He had been just by the doorway when the Master had stormed in. Aha! There he was, one hand holding his bruised head, the other dabbing a bloodied handkerchief to his nose. He had been standing behind the door when the Master had thrown it open.
What's going on
"How gratifying it will be to hold you all in my power," the Master chuckled.
WHACK!
The evil Time Lord seemed to lose his balance for a moment, then slumped to his knees. "Oh bugger," he muttered, as he fell to the floor, completely unconscious.
Behind him was the redoubtable Sergeant Benton, with Dino's copy of the Evening Standard in his hand. "Now I know why they call it a heavyweight newspaper," he joked.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Well done, Benton," congratulated the Brigadier. "We'll soon have him under lock and key, whoever he is."
Andrew stared at him, still wiping the blood from his nose. "Don't you know who that is?"
Lethbridge Stewart shook his head. "No, never seen him before."
Andrew was about to explain, when Gary and Dino nudged him. "Didn't you hear him call for Liz Shaw?" Gary remembered. "That means they haven't met the Master yet."
"Ah, right," said Andrew.
"So, what's our next move, sir?" Benton asked.
Suspicion
"So, what's our next move, sir?" Benton asked.
"Well I have some major suspicions," said Andrew.
"About me?" said Yates.
"No, about Gary."
Everyone in the room turned and looked at Gary and then back to Andrew.
"Consider the facts," said Andrew. "Myself, Dino and Gary are long-term fans of the TV show Juliet Bravo and have been attending Bravo conventions together for years. Suddenly we are whisked of in to time and space by various incarnations of the Doctor and this man here."
Everyone nodded and Andrew continued. "Well, based on our knowledge of the TV show Dr Who, Gary said that we should not tell you who this man is because, in the continuity of the TV show none of you know who he is yet."
Again, everyone nodded. "Well, can't you see the problem?"
Suddenly it dawned on Dino.
"I get what you're saying. How can we know about what happened in the TV Show Dr Who when we live in a universe where it never existed and Saturday Tea Time viewing was a TV show about a female police chief rather than a Time Lord?"
"Exactly," said Andrew.
"So, somehow our perception of reality must have changed - but who would do such a thing?" wondered Dino.
Andrew smiled smugly and walked around the room examining everyone there and came to a stop in front of Gary.
"This is a question for everyone. Look at that man on the floor. Me, Gary and Dino all know him as the Master. What is the one thing that we all know about the Master?" asked Andrew.
"He always has black hair and a black beard and operates in disguise," said Dino.
"Well, who do we know here who matched that physical description and has mislead us about their identity?"
Everybody turned and looked at Gary.
To be Continued. . .
Revelations
It had been a new innovation at the holiday camp. A variation on the murder mystery weekends they had tried out that were popular at hotels all over the country. One of the regular punters has suggested a Sci-Fi mystery and that's how it had started. It had worked well. Although there hadn't been many talking up the option, after the initial briefing at the beginning of the weekend, they had all thrown themselves into it with gusto. Considering most had no real training, their improvisation had been quite remarkable.
It had begun to drag a bit and as they had not really agreed at what point it would end, they had previously drawn lots as to who would decide when. But no one knew who it was, except the person who had drawn the lucky tag.
It was at this point, that Gary, who had been fingering the tag in his pocket for some time, drawing strange looks from both Andrew and Dino, suddenly stepped into the midst of them, held his hand up and said, "Right! That's enough of that!"
He looked 'round at their startled faces. "How about some Karaoke?"
For a moment that seemed like an age, not a sound was heard, not even the sound of breathing. Then there was a tumultuous cry of horror from all assembled, followed by a mad frenzied scramble for the door.
Bowled over by the rush to escape, Gary picked himself up off the floor, brushed himself down, and shouted after them, "Was it something I said?"
This is not a solo effort, but a three-hander. The first part of this story had already been included on the fan faction net, but the three of us then agreed to expand on it, contributing additional pieces as and when. I should also confess that one or two of the jokes may go over reader's heads, but they made us laugh.
The names of the other two authors have been removed to protect the innocent and the foolhardy. Enjoy.
UNIT - 4 PLUS 2
Does Travel Broaden the Mind?
You have to imagine how it is. Or do I mean was? Hmmm!
For some, the problem is getting your brain around what is going on. Reality, or your previous conception of it, seemed to have flown out of the window!
We all live our mundane lives, as we do, when out of the blue, literally, something appears that changes things for all time. Time? Now there's a concept we all have very little understanding of the possibilities of.
It was an ordinary sort of day. Typical summer, started off grey, then the sun broke through, eventually hanging up there, in an all blue sky, virtually all on its ownsome. I was on holiday. Well, I'd taken a break from work and not having really thought about it beforehand, hadn't made any arrangements to go anywhere. Pathetic really, but that's the way of things. With me, anyway!
I'd just been 'round the corner to get a morning paper. Have I already mentioned mundane? I was just about to cross the road to the front gate of where I lived, when there was a sort of groaning/grinding noise. I couldn't make out where exactly it was coming from. Then I thought I was hallucinating or there might be something the matter with my eyes, for where I had been looking across at the house I had lived in all my life, as the noise had started, everything began to shimmer. Like a mirage in a sixties TV serial. All that was lacking were the wiggly lines!
It's all right me remembering this now, as if time had been passing slowly (time, there it is again) but this happened in seconds, or less even! And there in front of me, slap bang in the middle of the road, with a sort of echoing clunk - I can hardly believe I'm saying this - was an old battered looking Police Box?!!!
As I started to walk round it, the door opened and this mop of curly hair appeared. The face below it, gazing away from me at first, but swiftly turning towards me. "Hello! I'm the Doctor!"
"You can't leave that there, it's in the middle of the road! Someone will drive into it! It's dangerous!"
"Really?! I'm terribly sorry . . . "
"Yeah, that's all very well, but what are you gonna do about it . . . wha- wha-what do you mean, you're the Doctor?"
"Well, that's what everyone calls me. Of course I've been called a few other things over the centuries."
"Yeah, never mind that, just move it . . . Shall I give you a hand - Centuries?" I said, as I pushed him back inside and in a moment of madness, followed him in. I'm a small bloke and he was a huge. . . well much taller than me, but curiosity had seemed to have taken me over!
I still can't believe I did that. In a way I wish I hadn't. What am I saying? 'Course I don't wish that, otherwise I wouldn't have . . . well, just bear with me.
Anyway there I was, rooted to the spot and starting to jabber. "It . . . It . . . errrrrr it's . . . errrrrrrrr . . . It's . . . bigger on the inside . . ."
"Ye-es . . . than it is on the outside! Yes, they all say that. By Rassilon, how I'm sick to death of that!"
"It's huge," I said gabbling, "It's . . . well . . . huge!"
"Yes, you've said that. Shall we move, just in case you're right and we cause an accident?" As he was saying this, he went over to this strange desk, in the centre of wherever we were. I thought it was circular, but as I went up to it, I realised, it was, in fact, hexagonal.
This Doctor chappie was fiddling about with some switches and buttons and knobs and things, as he was darting around it, finally pulling down a lever. Immediately, there was the sound of a gentle thud behind me, where huge (so . . . I like the word huge) doors closed, through which we must have entered.
Then, there was a grinding noise and then a whooshing sort of noise, which made me wheel round towards the desk thing, in the centre which was a sort of clear column with lights inside, that started to rise and fall. "What the f . . .?"
"Oh dear!" I heard him utter.
I looked over to him, where he was at it again. Flipping and twiddling, occasionally banging with his fist on part of the desk, as he continued to mumble to himself. All the time, the column continued to rise and fall with its strange grinding sound.
I was still trying to take in the size of the place, little realising that something else was puzzling me. Where was the light coming from? There were no lights, as such. No bulbs, no neon strips, no diffusers of any kind. It was just . . . bright.
"I'm most dreadfully sorry," he started to say to me, "but I think we're on the way to Kastor Minor in the galaxy of Prado Urmor. The co-ordinates are so similar to those of where we were, and I've adjusted the wrong part."
"Yeah, right! Now you've moved it - What do you mean, you've moved it? Lets just get back outside. This place is doing my head in."
"No, you don't understand. . . I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced. I'm the Doctor."
"Yeah, and I'm the Lawyer!"
"Are you really? You don't look like a lawyer, but of course lawyers look like all sorts of people. And they probably all look different on their day off. Is it your day off?"
"Yes it is, how did you . . . Nah! Nah, wait a minute, I'm not a lawyer, just pulling your leg, about this 'arm the Doctor crap.'"
"Yes, but that's what I am. So what do I call you?"
"Well, I don't see as it matters, but as you've asked, it's Dino and I don't want any of that Flintstones doodah."
"Flintstones? What are Flintstones? Well I know what flint stones are, but what's that got to do with your name?"
"Oh, forget it! Come on let's get out of here. Open those doors."
"Ah! That's what I wanted to tell you."
"C'mon, open these doors, this place is beginning to get up my nose."
"Is it? We-ell, there are times when it does that to me too, but . . . Look, I'm sorry young man, but shortly, we are about to land on Kastor Minor. Not much of a planet in Earth terms, but not unpleasant. I have this terrible habit of ending up somewhere I hadn't intended. I only intended moving a few feet and instead we have travelled . . . oooh, must be several light years. "
"Listen mate, this is all very clever an' all that, but just open the effing doors and I won't bother you any more."
With that he just flapped his arms with exasperation at my narrow mindedness (I didn't know it at the time), leant over the desk with his head bowed, where he stayed momentarily, until there was that grinding, groaning noise I'd heard before. The column, in the middle of the desk thingy, sort of slowed, stopped in mid-rise and then gently sank to rest. Then all was quiet apart from a gentle background hum that I hadn't noticed before.
The so-called Doctor's head snapped up from his bowed, despondent position. "We're there! We've arrived!" he said turning and flashing an enormous expanse of teeth. "Let's see what it's like here." Flicking some switches, a panel opposite, across from the desk, slowly slide to one side revealing a huge (must have a thing about that word!) screen upon which a weird scene appeared.
"Don't think much of that channel and the colour's a bit wonky. Look at that sky! It's pink! And what's all that about?"
There on the screen, was, what at first glance, appeared to be a town square, but the buildings were unlike anything I had ever seen before. It was all of a mixture, of domed and spiky-towered . . . well . . . towers. How would I describe them? Nothing seemed to be square or have any parallel sides. There was something else odd too. No windows! There was nothing that could be called a window, an orifice or opening to look out from, from within these buildings. And no doors either!
The square, although it certainly wasn't square, was all angles. Gentle, non-acute angles, but from where I was viewing it, I couldn't tell what shape it was forming. It was paved, almost like a large mosaic, in variously and amazingly coloured slabs, again, non of which had parallel sides.
I was taking all this in, but what was really smacking my gob, were the people that were in this square. People, I'm sure that's what they were, but they were . . . blue! Well, not blue . . . Blue-ish! Yes, daft I know. All sorts of blue-ish shades. I'd thought I was seeing them in a sort of reverse negative and what should have been a normal flesh colour, was the negative colour of blue. Must admit I don't know what the reverse colour of pinky flesh is, so this might all be a load of rubbish! It was hard to take in. They were clothed of course, unusual clothes yeah, but clothed.
That's why I had thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, about their colour. There was also the fact that they were all floating about a foot or so above the ground. They didn't seem to have any visible legs and darted about like goldfish in a bowl!!! I don't remember having anything alcoholic!!! Oh and did I mention that the sky was pink!! Bloody hell!
"Come on, what's with this video? Just open the doors and I won't trouble you any more!"
"Video? What video? Oh! I see! No, this isn't a video. This is what is outside! These are the people of . . . Yes, well I can't be sure, but it should be Kastor Minor." As he banged one of the dials on the desk. "Oh! I wasn't expecting that! Hmmmm!" And he banged it again. "Aha! Just what I thought!"
"Yeah?" I said with some exasperation. Expecting a bit more clarification. Instead he casually moved around the desk twiddling and dabbling and mumbling to himself, before finally . . .
"Well, it looks alright. The air isn't unlike that of Earth, but slightly acidic. The atmospheric pressure is a somewhat heavier, but it shouldn't be a problem as long as we don't have to exert ourselves. Let's have a look outside."
"You're winding me up," I said as I strode towards where the huge, (yes I said it again) doors were swinging open. "Oh my God, what's that smell?" Stepping outside to where I was expecting to find the front door of my house, I stopped in my tracks.
"Hell's teeth! Look at that!" I turned to find the so-called Doctor just locking the door of the police box. I must be dreaming! I shook my head but it was all the same as I looked around. I hadn't realise just how huge - there it is again - the square or area or whatever it was, that we were in, was. He was standing beside me now. Adjusting a wide brimmed hat on the shock of curly hair. He too looked around at our surroundings.
"Quite marvellous, don't you think? I wonder if the natives are friendly?"
In the moments we had been standing there, we had been attracting some attention and to tell the truth, it was only then, realising I wasn't outside my front door, that not only did I not know where I was, but that there were these strange people. Blue people, with no legs, that floated in the air and darted about like goldfish and that they were beginning to congregate around us, getting closer and more numerous by the second. Oh hell! I hope I don't wet myself!!
Needless to say, everything was all fine. Well there was a bit of a sticky moment, when one of these blue-ish people tried taking my morning paper from me, that I still seemed to be clutching. But it all got sorted out and we zapped to some other planet, well several really, over the next few months. Some were a bit hairy. I had the pleasure of meeting some Daleks, Ogrons, Movellans and Draconians, to mention a few, but each time the Doctor managed to get us out of trouble we had managed to find ourselves in.
Despite it all being a real whiz, providing I didn't try to think too deeply about it all, I had been worried that people back on 'Earth', I can't believe I said that, would wonder where I was. That I had become another statistic, of one of those people that disappear, never to be seen again. Abducted by aliens. Nah, you never get that in the UK, you only ever read that happening in America.
Well, the Doctor managed to bring me back to almost the time before we left. I said we have no real concept of what time means. So no one ever knew I'd gone anywhere. I couldn't tell anyone. They'd think I'd really gone off my trolley. Now what did I do with that paper?
The Sports Shop
Now I'm not one to gossip, well I am but only when it is something really good. So it has been very difficult the last few months keeping my mouth shut, even more difficult than usual. But somehow I think I can tell you because you have seen things just as strange.
It started one Saturday. I had gone out that morning with the express intention of getting some exercise. I felt I needed it, as I sometimes do every one in a decade. Anyway I was stomping along the high street when I walked past the local sports shop. Now the only thing I know for sure about sport is that I know nothing about it, so normally I would not have bothered to stop. But there were advertising as sale of trainers and footwear and looking down I thought it would not hurt to pick up a spare pair for the next time I felt energetic.
I went in and found the shop to be rather cramped. There were all sorts of sport bags hanging on the walls over various forms of equipment that looked like medieval torture devices.
I was looking at the footwear when another customer walked in. He was a strange looking individual. He had a young gentle face with a dazed expression. He was wearing cricket kit under a strangely long beige blazer. He marched over to the counter with his hands clasped behind his back. As he passed I noticed that his fairish hair seemed to have highlights that made him look like a reject from an early 80s pop group. I turned back to the shoes and tried to forget about him.
I could hear the man talking to the shop assistant about bats and how it was hard to find one with a really good swing. I sat down on my heal examining a particularly cheap pair of trainers.
"I'll just try this one out," I heard the man say to the assistant.
Suddenly my bad knee began to twinge and I had to stand up. Looking at the trainers I decided to buy them and turned to go to the counter to pay. I briefly saw the bat before it hit.
* * * * * *
When I woke up I was of course in a bit of a daze. So at first I thought I could hear the constant whine of a motorbike at my side. I quickly realised however that the noise was in fact an Australian woman talking. My head was pounding and when I opened my eyes the light was to bright so I kept them shut. I lay there listening to the conversation.
"Why did you bring him here?" said the woman.
"I didn't know what else to do," said a man, I recognised the voice of the man from the shop.
"Couldn't you have just called an ambulance?" she suggested.
"How could I, they would not have been able to help with an injury like that. His only hope was to bring him here where I could fix him up," he replied.
I then heard a strange rumbling.
"Oh no, I told Turlough not to touch the console," said the man.
It was at this point that I drifted off into unconsciousness again.
* * * * * *
"Oh dear," said the male voice.
"What's he doing here?" asked a female voice.
"I forgot about him, I put him here to recover and forgot about him." The male voice sounded slightly Liverpudlian.
"Well, how long has he been here?" The female's voice sounded young and very posh.
"Oh, time is relative you know."
"How long?"
"Oh, about two or three."
"What weeks, months?"
"Centuries, I think."
"Doctor, are you telling me that two hundred years ago you knocked out some poor passer by with a cricket bat, brought him back to the TARDIS to perform emergency surgery, put him in a spare bedroom and forgot about him?" asked the girl sternly.
"Well, no . . . maybe . . . OK yes, but he'll have slept thought it all. That was quite a sedative I gave him."
"Well what you going to do with him now?"
"Well Charley, I think a cup of tea would be a good idea."
* * * * * *
I was sitting in a high-backed Victorian armchair sipping a cup of tea. In the background I could hear a gentle hum. This was a very strange room. It was like the front room of a very old Victorian house dropped down inside a giant hexagonal gothic cathedral.
The owners of the two voices I had heard earlier now sat cross-legged in front of me. The little Liverpudlian man with curly hair has introduced himself as the Doctor and explained that he was somehow related to the blonde man who had hit me with the cricket bat. Sitting there he looked strangely out of place, as though he would be more comfortable with a shaven head and jeans than the long flowing locks and byronesque costume he was wearing.
The girl was called Charley had a cherubic face under a mop of blonde hair. For some reason she reminded me of a cabbage patch doll. When I told her this she did not seem to know what I was talking about but the Doctor stifled a giggle.
The two of them kept giving me concerned looks and asking me how I felt but most of the time they were talking to each other, about what to do with me.
"I'm not so sure that is a good idea, Doctor," said Charley.
"I think it would be splendid, we were heading there anyway and the atmosphere will help him recover. He is still dazed you know," replied the Doctor.
"But won't he find it all a little bit disturbing?"
"Nonsense, with that sedative still in his system I could put on a William Shatner mask and he wouldn't bat an eyelid."
"Doctor, don't remind me about that horrible film," pleaded Charley.
* * * * * *
Whatever the Doctor had promised I was still a little shook up. When he and Charley had led me out of that big room through the double doors I had expected to enter another room or a quiet garden. Nothing had prepared me however for the sight that would greet me.
When I had stepped out and looked back only to see a Police Box I had been puzzled. I had however, been completely bemused to look up and see a pink sky. We ambled our way through the streets of a very peculiar town where every building was a tower without windows. The Doctor said the town square was just ahead of us and that it had the most remarkable architecture. He marched on ahead of me and Charley, eager to get to it.
He stopped dead in his tracks ahead of us and clasped his head in shock. "Oh no, what am I . . . I mean, what is he doing here?"
Finally we caught up with him and looked into the centre of the square at what was upsetting him.
A great crowd of people hovered on the other side of the square and I mean literally hovered. Strange blue people without legs whooshing about like goldfish in a bowl. The all seemed fascinated by something. When I looked harder I could see what had their attention. It was another Police Box with two men standing outside. One of the men was tall with a mop of brown curly hair, big teeth and a long scarf. The other man was slightly shorter, had a beard and was engaged in a tug of war over a newspaper with one of the blue people.
I could not hear what they were saying but it was about something being huge.
To be continued. . .
Yates
It's a strange life here at UNIT.
I'd only recently joined, you see, and if I hadn't see it with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it.
I really should have paid more attention to the Brigadier on my first day. I mean, I heard what he said. I just didn't take it all in. "So, you've been assigned to us from the regular army?"
"Yes sir."
"You'll find things a little different from what you've been used to." The next thing he said went clear over my head. "We deal in the unknown, the unexplained. Whether it's on Earth, or beyond."
I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly. "Sorry sir, I don't. . . "
"I'll leave you in Sergeant Benton's charge. He'll explain things a bit more." I really hoped so. He might be a Brigadier, but I did think he was a bit . . . well. "Oh, and one more thing."
"Sir?"
"Our scientific advisor may pop in from time to time."
I'd heard about him. "The Doctor, sir?"
"That's right. Splendid chap. Trouble is, you never know what face he'll be wearing from one minute to the next." And that was it. End of interview, and I was left wondering just what sort of nuthouse I'd ended up in. 'Oh well, ' I thought to myself, 'First day of term. What can happen?'
I was about to find out.
*****
To be fair, Sergeant Benton was alright. As he took me on the guided tour, I started to relax a bit more. Maybe this UNIT posting was going to be okay after all. "Hey, have you seen the Doctor's lab yet?" the Sergeant asked.
I was a bit dubious. "I thought that was restricted?"
"It is, usually," he admitted. "But as the Doc's off on his travels, it can't hurt."
The lab wasn't too far away and we were soon outside the door. "Now, don't touch anything," Sergeant Benton warned me. "Otherwise the Doc'll go spare." He opened the double doors, and the first thing I saw was the huge amount of equipment scattered about the place. Every square inch was filled with stuff I'd never seen before. The only exception was one corner of the room, which was left untouched. "What do you think, then?"
"It's beyond me," I admitted. "What is he, this Doctor? Some kind of inventor?"
"Something like that." A 'phone started to ring from out in the corridor. "I'd better get that," the Sergeant said. "You okay to wait here?" I nodded, and he rushed out, leaving me on my own.
I sat down on a nearby stool and waited. I was beginning to think what a cushy number this was going to be, when I heard a strange sound. Nothing like I'd ever heard before, like a wheezing and groaning mixed together. Then, in the one empty corner of the lab, a blue shape started to appear. As the sound grew louder, the shape became more solid, until I recognised it as one of those old Police Call Boxes that were broken up years back. And now here was one appearing from nowhere. I barely had time to get up from the stool when the door opened, and a man stepped out from it, dressed in some kind of long frock coat and an even longer scarf. "UNIT HQ. Just the place." He turned to face me. "Ah, hello. You must be. . . "
I could hardly speak. "How. . . how. . ."
He shook my hand vigorously. "How do you do. I'm the Doctor. Sorry to drop in unannounced, but I thought this was the best place." With that, he stepped back into the Police Box, and when he next came out he was dragging out some poor chap who looked really out of it. "I'm afraid this poor fellow took a nasty knock on the head," he explained. "Where's the hospital?"
I finally got my voice back. "Don't you mean the infirmary?"
The Doctor's eyes brightened. "Oh yes! Now come on, give me a hand with him." One arm over each shoulder, we carried him between us to the infirmary. Luckily he wasn't that tall, so not heavy to move. His glasses were half hanging off him, and saw that he was gripping a newspaper in one hand very tightly. "You might have to prize his fingers open," the Doctor suggested. "I somehow don't think he'll let go of it otherwise."
I nodded, just as we arrived at the infirmary, where there was only one other bed occupied. The Doctor and I laid our patient down onto the next bed. It was only then that I saw the Doctor staring - not at me, but past me. I looked around to see a man and a woman standing at the far side of the next bed. The girl was dressed pretty normally, but the man looked as though he had come from a fancy dress party dressed as Wild Bill Hickcock. They both looked at us - no, the Doctor - as if they had seen a ghost. "Oh no," said the man.
"Doctor?" the girl asked.
"Yes," they both answered. Both of them.
"Do you two know each other?" I asked them.
"In a manner of speaking," the stranger said. "I'm the Doctor, by the way," he added, introducing himself.
"Ri-ight," I said, not quite sure what was going on. "So what are you doing here?" I asked the new arrivals.
"Well, our travelling companion had a bit of a nasty turn, so I thought the best thing to do was to bring him here."
"Great minds, eh?" noted the Doctor.
"Yes." It was clear that this other Doctor didn't want to get too involved in conversation. I looked down at the other newly arrived patient. This one had a bruise across his head, which had nearly healed. All the same, looking from one to the other, neither of them looked too good.
Then the newest one opened his eyes and looked across at his bedmate. "Dino?"
Recognition of his name seemed to encourage the other one to wake up. "Andrew, is that you?"
The two Doctors and the girl seemed relieved at this development. "They both seem alright," the girl observed.
"I think you're right, Charley," her Doctor approved. "Well, I think we'd better be on our way, don't you, Doctor?"
"Mmm?" The Doctor I knew seemed distracted. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Back to the TARDIS?"
"Back to the TARDIS," they all agreed.
They turned to leave the ward, until the Doctor turned back. "You know, I can't help thinking we've forgotten something."
Just then the two patients looked up at me and stared, shocked. A similar look passed between the Doctors. "That's what we forgot!" they said in unison, and before I could stop them, they were gone.
My two patients continued to stare at me. Just as I was debating what to do next, Sergeant Benton came in. "What's going on here? I left you in the lab."
I indicated the two men and quickly explained about what had happened. When I mentioned the two Doctors, the Sergeant seemed to understand. "Well, everything seems okay," he agreed.
"Apart from the fact that those two keep staring at me," I pointed out.
"Well, if they've been travelling with the Doctor, that's the least of your troubles." He could see I was still doubtful. "Look, I'll get Dr Sullivan to take a look at them, alright?"
*****
And that was it, my first day at UNIT. Since then, I've seen enough aliens, Time Lords and monsters to last me several lifetimes. But I still think back to those two fellows brought in by the Doctor - and the Doctor. They suffered briefly from delusions, muttering about pink skies, blue people and cricket bats. Then after a couple of days they were declared fit and well, and left. But one thing still puzzles me.
My name is Mike Yates. So who on Earth is Gary?
Captain who?
The man who called himself Captain Yates left the room. I sat there, still feeling in a daze and looked at Dino. He was adjusting his glasses and looked back at me and shrugged his shoulders.
"What's wrong with Gary, he seems a bit. . . "
"Deluded," finished Dino.
We both shook our heads in resignation.
"I haven't seen you since. . . " I said.
"That Juliet Bravo Convention in Manchester last year," finished Dino.
"Yes, I wonder if Gary finished that Juliet Bravo Video Box set cover he was doing before he lost his marbles."
"I think so, I'm sure I saw he selling copies at that Martin Banister signing," Dino replied.
I stood up and wobbled a bit. It may have been 300 years since that knock with a cricket bat but if felt like it had only happened yesterday.
"What's that?" said Dino.
"What's what?" said I.
"That knocking."
I listened and noticed a thumping coming from a cupboard in the corner of the room. I had not noticed it at first because of the thumping in my head. Dino stood up and moved over to the cupboard door. I followed him over and we both listened to the thumping. It was then that we noticed that we could also hear some mumbling coming from inside.
Dino turned the handle and opened the door. Sitting there on the floor was a rather posh looking young man. The effect of his poshness was slightly diminished however as we noticed that he was sitting there in his underwear and was bound and gagged.
"Mmmm, mmm bmmmm," he mumbled through the gag.
We could not understand what he was saying but Dino had a clever idea and removed the gag. "Help me, some lunatic attacked me with a folio of video covers, stole my uniform and locked me in here."
We looked at the floor beside him and sure enough there was a folio full of Juliet Bravo Video Covers lying beside him.
"Gary!" Dino and I exclaimed simultaneously.
"Who are you?" Dino asked the man.
"Yates, Captain Mike Yates".
* * * * * *
I left Yates with Dino in the infirmary and crept out into the corridor where I could hear voices just around the corner. Quietly I sneaked up to the corner and looked around at the source of the voices. There was Gary in Yates' uniform, standing unmoving in a form of trance. Another man stood in front of him and was talking to him. The other man had a black beard very similar to Gary but was dressed entirely in black. He had a very charming manner as I listened carefully to what he was saying.
"All is going to plan, I have infiltrated UNIT with my own Captain Yates who will be under my control, Ha ha ha."
"Yes, Master," replied Gary.
The man handed Gary something that looked like a little black torch.
"Now take this and dispose of Mr Yates and those other two interlopers, and remember. I am the Master and you WILL obey ME!!!"
"Yes, Master," Gary replied.
Gary turned in my direction and I ran back to the room. Once inside I quickly told Dino and Yates what I had seen and we hatched a plan.
* * * * * *
I sat next to Yates on the edge of the bed. Then the door opened and Gary marched in, straight up to us raising the hand in which he was holding the torch. It was then that our plan swung into action. Dino pounced from behind the door with his newspaper raised high above his head and began to repeatedly whack Gary on the top of his noggin.
Yates and I pounced and grabbed Gary by the arms as Dino continued to whack away and Gary slowly lost consciousness.
"I think that's enough now, Dino," said Yates.
WHACK.
"I think he's out now, Dino," I said.
WHACK.
"Stop now, he's out cold!" Yates and I yelled.
WHACK.
WHACK.
"Ok," said Dino. "I think he's out now."
WHACK.
Later the three of us stood around the bed where we had laid out the unconscious Gary. Occasionally he would mumble some strange instruction like:
"Reduce it to A4 size please."
and
"Don't forget to replace the toner."
and
"Oooo, Rymans."
We were just puzzling over what on earth he was muttering about when the door swung open and in marched another man.
To be continued. . .
Lisp
Well, it wasn't so much a march, more of a mince. He was a tall thin figure. All the more striking because of the shock of white hair, giving the impression of a bright light bulb and the billowing cape on his jacket, plus the frills of his shirt front and those poking out from his cuffs.
And there tottering behind him, was this pretty wide-eyed young woman, in a very short skirt and knee high white boots. Yates', Andrew's and Dino's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets, even Gary's, who had momentarily come to, before Dino gave him another thwack with his newspaper.
"Wherethes the Brigadier? I whaths told he whaths here! My dear young man, is it absolutely necessary to assault that chap. He theems to be in a bit of a daze."
"Doctor?" Said the young woman.
"Not now, Jo!"
"But Doc . . ."
"I thaid not now!" Then turning back to Dino, "May I ask what you are doing? That chap is obviously hurt, but this one with the bruise on his head doesn't look that bad." Turning to the others, " What about you other two? "
Yates stepped forward and saluted, pretty half hearted too, "Well my name is Yates, Captain Yates. I've only just been detailed here. I'm afraid I don't know these gentlemen's names, but they have something to do with the Doctor, or should I say Doctors."
"Did you thay Doctorths? Exactly how many Doctorths?"
Before Captain Yates could reply, Andrew, who had been a silent spectator so far, interjected. "There were two of them, but I've seen a third!" He leaned back on the bed, looking pleased with himself.
"What, three? Together?"
"Well, we've only seen two. They were here just now. Before you walked in. By the way who are you?"
"That'ths quite right, but I should introduce mythelf properly. I am the Doctor," he said with a flourish of his outstretched arms, flipping the cape back over his shoulders, "and this is my athithtant, Jo."
"Doctor. . ."
"Not now, Jo! You thay you've theen two Doctorths together?"
"But Doctor, what about the gefilte fish illiteration aspect?"
"Exactly! No no, Jo! Its the Blinovitch Limitation Effect!. Tsk, Tsk! I really ought to know better. Two of us together at the thame time - don't we know how dangereth thith ith?"
The others, including Gary were just looking from one to the other certain they were in the presence of some madman.
"C'mon Jo, we've got to make certain there hasn't been any permanent damage to the fabric of time."
With that he turned on his heel and disappeared back through the doors he had previously so dramatically appeared through, closely followed by young vision called Jo.
Andrew leant back on the bed rubbing his head, Dino was flicking through what was left of his newspaper, muttering to himself and Gary was arranging the video covers, scattered on his bed, into alphabetical order. Captain Yates was still staring at the doors swinging backward and forwards, mumbling to himself, "Mmm! Nice bum!"
Gary wakes up
"Who's got a nice bum?" They all turned to see the Brigadier. "Well?"
"Just making an observation, sir," Yates replied.
"Well, thank you for the compliment." Then Lethbridge Stewart did a double take. "Captain Yates, you're out of uniform!"
"No I'm not, sir," Gary protested.
The Brigadier sighed. "Yates, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Yates over there."
"Sorry sir," they both replied. "And I wasn't talking about your bum, sir," Yates added.
"Then whose were you observing, may I ask?"
"A pretty girl, tagging along with an older fellow with a lisp," he replied.
"Oh, you mean the Doctor," the Brigadier realised. "And who are these people? I don't recognise them."
"Well, I'm Andrew."
"I'm Dino."
"And I'm Mike Yates."
WHACK!
"Er, yes. Yates is the name."
WHACK!
"Ah, got it."
"At last," Dino sighed.
"I'm really Richard Franklin."
WHACK! WHACK! DOUBLE WHACK!!
The Brigadier was watching this with quiet amusement. "Do you have to keep hitting him with that newspaper?"
"Sorry," Dino apologised. "He's delirious."
"Hmm. Welsh name, is it?"
Dino gave up. "Oh, never mind. Can we go?"
"I'm afraid not," Lethbridge Stewart replied. "You have some serious charges to answer."
"Such as?" Andrew wondered.
"Well, there's impersonating a UNIT officer, for one. Then assault with a deadly newspaper - which newspaper was it, by the way?"
"The Evening Standard," Dino replied.
"Oh well, that's all right then. All charges are dropped."
"So, we can leave? Just like that?" Andrew was still doubtful.
"Yes, no point in you hanging about here. Off you go." They turned to leave.
"Just a minute." Yates protested. "What about my uniform?"
"Ah yes, good point," the Brigadier remembered.
Yates stood in Gary's way. "Hand back that uniform."
"Oh, alright," Gary moaned. "Didn't fit properly anyway." Both men quickly changed into their own clothes, before Gary, Dino and Andrew bid a hasty farewell.
"Did you think to escape my control so easily?" They froze at that voice. As one, everyone turned to face the Doctor's nemesis. "I am the Master, and you will obey me.
To be continued. . .
Wrong Turn
As one, everyone turned to face the Doctor's nemesis. "I am the Master, and you will obey me." He looked at them all. "How dare you undo my plans for domination of the world. My temporal restart device will solve this."
The Master pulled a strange looking device from his pocket and twisted a dial on its surface. "Oh bugger," he said. "I should have set it to take them all back ten minutes instead of five."
With that the room was enveloped in a temporal haze and. . .
Andrew leant back on the bed rubbing his head, Dino was flicking through what was left of his newspaper, muttering to himself and Gary was arranging the video covers, scattered on his bed, into alphabetical order.
Captain Yates was still staring at the doors swinging backward and forwards, mumbling to himself, "Mmm! Nice bum!".
Yates was impressed that the door glass was so reflective that it was a perfect mirror for him to admire himself in. Andrew and Dino looked at each other and sighed.
The four men left in the room all looked up from their individual activities when they heard a massive thump outside. They heard the lisping voice of the man who had just left speaking to the dazed young woman.
"Jo you really must get over your vanity and start wearing your glasses."
* * * * * *
Later that day Andrew, Dino, Gary and Yates had all been moved in to the Doctor's laboratory to await the Brigadier. Gary was admiring himself in Yates's uniform which he had been allowed to keep because his own clothes were still missing. Yates was however continuing to admire himself at every opportunity. He had appeared to become even more admiring when Jo had leant him her pink fluffy jacket to cover his modesty.
Andrew, Dino and Gary had huddled together near a Bunsen burner to keep warm and were comparing notes on recent events. Gary related how he had just left the "Bravo Shop" in east London when a man with a beard and dressed in black had come up to him and asked if he knew the way to this weeks meeting of Megalomaniac's Anonymous. That was the last thing Gary could remember until his collision with the Evening Standard.
Andrew and Dino told Gary about their recent adventure on the planet of the Newspaper Worshipers where they and their two Doctor's had been under threat of execution for violating the sacred newspaper and how they had escaped the evil clutches of the high priest Murdoch the Muncher.
Just then a wheezing groaning sound and the materialisation of a Police Box in the corner of the lab interrupted them. The door of the Police Box opened and a young man with red hair and wearing a schoolboy's uniform fell out. He landed with horrendous force at the feet of Yates, who helped the man up.
A voice hollered out of the Police Box. "Now let that be a lesson to you, never touch the red button. Next time I kick you out I won't come back!"
With that the door of the Police Box slammed shut and the box dematerialised. "He'll be back soon, he's just teaching me a lesson," said Turlough.
* * * * * *
Turlough had recognised Andrew as the unconscious person with a head wound that his Doctor still had stashed away somewhere. After the introductions he told everyone how he had pushed the Doctor a little too far this time and was being punished.
Andrew kept looking at Turlough's hair and wondering what colour it was supposed to be. Dino however was examining the paper for advertisements for counselling and Gary was trying very hard to keep away from Captain Yates, who was eyeing Gary's stolen uniform jealously.
Just then another wheezing groaning sound began to fill the room and another Police Box materialised. Turlough jumped up from his chair and ran over to the TARDIS. "He's back."
The red haired no gooder was in for a shock however when the door opened and a head he did not recognise popped out.
The head belonged to a girl with long blonde hair and thick black eyeliner. "Oh, groovy," she cooed before stepping out.
She was followed by a young blonde man in a sailors uniform and another dark haired man in a kilt. The young man in a kilt turned to look back in to the Police Box. "Och no, Doctor. You can't leave us here, there's a madman threatening us with a newspaper," he said.
"Sorry Jamie, got to go to this convention of all of me. They have booked the Albert Hall. I'll be back soon," said a well-spoken voice from inside the Box before the door shut and it too dematerialised.
Everyone in the room looked at each other in suspicion and then the door of the lab swung open and in strode a confident looking soldier with a moustache. He stood for a moment and examined the scene before him.
He looked at Andrew who seemed to be talking to himself because nobody else would, he looked at Dino who had taken to hitting himself over the head with his newspaper and shouting, "Oh Liz, where are you?"
The Brigadier then looked at the blonde woman with a smile. That dissolved however, when he saw Yates in his pink coat prodding Gary in his uniform, while a man in a kilt and two others dressed as a schoolboy and a sailor stood looking at the floor in an empty corner of the lab.
"Well, are you all going to break out in a rendition of YMCA, or is somebody going to tell what the hell is going on in my base?" bellowed the Brigadier.
Just then the doors of the lab swung open again and in marched the man in black with a beard. "Did you think to escape my control so easily?"
They froze at that voice. As one, everyone turned to face the Doctor's nemesis. "I am the Master, and you will obey me."
To be continued.
And whack
There was a muffled oompf! sound as he came in but no one took any notice. As the Master spoke, he put down the bag he had been holding. It was a well worn black leather holdall. A number of strange items spilled out. There were various small dolls, like Cindy and her male counterpart, plus what looked like a load of plastic daffodils.
The Brigadier, somewhat haughtily, said, "Do you have a pass?" before the realisation of who it was struck him. He had made the mistake of looking straight at the Master and before he could finish his call of "Ben . . ." he came to a stop. His features frozen in a blank stare, his body motionless.
Yates too, had already become motionless, looking even more ridiculous in Jo's pink jacket, but Dino was still immersed in his paper. In fact he had pulled out a biro and was doing the quick crossword. Well, that's what he wanted them to think. He was just writing any old word in the empty boxes. Gary was strutting about in Yates's uniform, picking up the occasional video cover that had fallen here and there.
Andrew was . . . yes, where was Andrew? He had been just by the doorway when the Master had stormed in. Aha! There he was, one hand holding his bruised head, the other dabbing a bloodied handkerchief to his nose. He had been standing behind the door when the Master had thrown it open.
What's going on
"How gratifying it will be to hold you all in my power," the Master chuckled.
WHACK!
The evil Time Lord seemed to lose his balance for a moment, then slumped to his knees. "Oh bugger," he muttered, as he fell to the floor, completely unconscious.
Behind him was the redoubtable Sergeant Benton, with Dino's copy of the Evening Standard in his hand. "Now I know why they call it a heavyweight newspaper," he joked.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Well done, Benton," congratulated the Brigadier. "We'll soon have him under lock and key, whoever he is."
Andrew stared at him, still wiping the blood from his nose. "Don't you know who that is?"
Lethbridge Stewart shook his head. "No, never seen him before."
Andrew was about to explain, when Gary and Dino nudged him. "Didn't you hear him call for Liz Shaw?" Gary remembered. "That means they haven't met the Master yet."
"Ah, right," said Andrew.
"So, what's our next move, sir?" Benton asked.
Suspicion
"So, what's our next move, sir?" Benton asked.
"Well I have some major suspicions," said Andrew.
"About me?" said Yates.
"No, about Gary."
Everyone in the room turned and looked at Gary and then back to Andrew.
"Consider the facts," said Andrew. "Myself, Dino and Gary are long-term fans of the TV show Juliet Bravo and have been attending Bravo conventions together for years. Suddenly we are whisked of in to time and space by various incarnations of the Doctor and this man here."
Everyone nodded and Andrew continued. "Well, based on our knowledge of the TV show Dr Who, Gary said that we should not tell you who this man is because, in the continuity of the TV show none of you know who he is yet."
Again, everyone nodded. "Well, can't you see the problem?"
Suddenly it dawned on Dino.
"I get what you're saying. How can we know about what happened in the TV Show Dr Who when we live in a universe where it never existed and Saturday Tea Time viewing was a TV show about a female police chief rather than a Time Lord?"
"Exactly," said Andrew.
"So, somehow our perception of reality must have changed - but who would do such a thing?" wondered Dino.
Andrew smiled smugly and walked around the room examining everyone there and came to a stop in front of Gary.
"This is a question for everyone. Look at that man on the floor. Me, Gary and Dino all know him as the Master. What is the one thing that we all know about the Master?" asked Andrew.
"He always has black hair and a black beard and operates in disguise," said Dino.
"Well, who do we know here who matched that physical description and has mislead us about their identity?"
Everybody turned and looked at Gary.
To be Continued. . .
Revelations
It had been a new innovation at the holiday camp. A variation on the murder mystery weekends they had tried out that were popular at hotels all over the country. One of the regular punters has suggested a Sci-Fi mystery and that's how it had started. It had worked well. Although there hadn't been many talking up the option, after the initial briefing at the beginning of the weekend, they had all thrown themselves into it with gusto. Considering most had no real training, their improvisation had been quite remarkable.
It had begun to drag a bit and as they had not really agreed at what point it would end, they had previously drawn lots as to who would decide when. But no one knew who it was, except the person who had drawn the lucky tag.
It was at this point, that Gary, who had been fingering the tag in his pocket for some time, drawing strange looks from both Andrew and Dino, suddenly stepped into the midst of them, held his hand up and said, "Right! That's enough of that!"
He looked 'round at their startled faces. "How about some Karaoke?"
For a moment that seemed like an age, not a sound was heard, not even the sound of breathing. Then there was a tumultuous cry of horror from all assembled, followed by a mad frenzied scramble for the door.
Bowled over by the rush to escape, Gary picked himself up off the floor, brushed himself down, and shouted after them, "Was it something I said?"