Author's Note: Hey guys, so it has been awhile since I've written anything and that's more or less due to lack of motivation, but after playing Doki Doki Literature Club recently, I have a lot of ideas I'm interested in sharing, mainly because I absolutely love this game. Hope you guys enjoy this one-off! This is written in Sayori's POV.
These last few days have been great. Having Anon, my childhood best friend, join the literature club has made me the happiest I've ever been. So why does it hurt when I see him talk to the other girls? The whole point of having him join the club was so he could make new friends, and he's doing extremely well at that, so why am I not happy?
Sitting in the back of the classroom, I watch him interact with the other three. I know I should be happy for him, but every second that I lay my eyes on him, every moment that I see him within their presence feels like someone is ripping my heart right out of my chest. Why can't I ever be happy? Why does everything hurt? Why do I wake up every morning, knowing that every moment will be nothing but pain, and that nothing will ever be able to take it away? I just have to keep pretending that everything is OK though. I turn away from the group and let myself drown in my thoughts, doing my best to remove myself from reality.
'Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.' I think to myself, over, and over again. Just don't look over, just don't look over.
"-ori?" My thoughts are stripped away as I hear my name being called, and my vision is met with Anon looking at me, his face filled with worry.
"Oh, hey Anon! Looks like I was spacing out again, hehe." I say, faking a giggle, one of many. Anon looks at me with a bit of disbelief. Did he figure out my secret?
"Ok… you just seem a little off…" Anon tells me. Hearing him show genuine worry hurts just as much as seeing him talk to the rest of the girls. I'm not deserving of anyone's pity. I'm pathetic.
"Of course not! I'm fine, see?" I say as I flash a huge toothy grin.
"I'm just… thinking about… the festival! I want us to stand out and attract as many new members as we can, so I'm thinking extra hard about it!" I say, as I continue force a big smile, hoping that Anon will just believe me.
"You don't need to worry about me! Please, go back and talk to the others, I wouldn't want them feeling left out." I continue, mentally begging that he'll buy my story. He studied me for a moment before deciding to nod.
"Ok, I guess I'll leave you be then." He said, as he walked away. Thank god. I watched him talk to the rest of the girls before zoning myself out again. Everything hurt. I didn't want to have to witness anymore of this. I wish I was at home, alone with just me and my broken soul. Suddenly I felt someone tapping on my shoulder. I turned and saw Monika, kneeling to get to my point of view.
"Having a rough day?" She says with a giggle. I should've expected Anon to mention it to her.
"No, of course not! I'm fine!" I say, trying my best to put on a good front. Monika just giggles and shakes her head.
"Sayori, do you think I'm a fucking idiot?" She says, not breaking out of her trademark smile. I had to take a moment to process what I just heard. Surely my mind was playing tricks on me, Monika would never say something like that.
"Umm… excuse me?" I say, unsure of what else I could possibly do.
"Oh, come on. You really think I'm gonna fall for this charade? I know everything, Sayori. I know that you're just a smiling simmer of lies. I know everything, and I know that Anon will never love you back." Monika says, continuing to smile as I feel my body tensing up.
"Monika... I-"
"Shh… I'm telling you these things because I care. We both know he'll never see you as more than just the annoying girl next door, so why bother trying? Why keep setting yourself up for disappointment?" Monika finishes, as she walks away from me to continue talking with the rest of the group. I feel so helpless right now. Why would she say something like that? The only reason that comes to mind is that… I truly am worthless. Resisting the urge to break down, I collect my things and start to leave the classroom, but I didn't make it very far without Anon catching me.
"Sayori, where are you going?" He asks me. Why does it even matter? Monika is probably right, he'll never see me as anything other than just a stupid, annoying girl.
"Oh, I'm not really feeling too well, I think I'm gonna go home and rest for a bit. Let Monika know I left!" I say as a smile before exiting. As I leave the classroom and head towards the school exit, my smile vanishes just as quick as it appeared. I knew I was worthless before, but hearing someone like Monika say all those things pretty much just confirms it. I just wanna sleep. I just want to sleep forever.
-Later That Night-
As I toss and turn in my bed, memories of today flood my mind. Monika's words kept repeating and repeating and every word, every single word kept breaking my mind. I look at the window and stare at Anon's house. Monika mentioned Natsuki would be over there this weekend to help make cupcakes for the festival. I really want to be happy for them, I really do, but just the thought of them being alone together feels like a rusty dagger stabbing me in the chest slowly, the pain intensifying with each jab. I continue to just stare at the house, I can feel hot tears pouring down from my eyes, dripping down my cheeks. My body trembles as each thought strikes my mind, but I can't let this get me down.
'Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.' I keep repeating this in my mind. I'm happy. Very happy. Super happy. I am super duper happy. I couldn't be any happier than I am now. I'm literally the happiest person in the world. I remove myself from the window and lay back down, hugging my cow plush tightly. I just need to sleep. A peaceful slumber to ease my mind will help.
-Sunday-
Slowly opening my eyes, I see the rays of the sun peeking into my bedroom. I look over at the clock at my nightstand.
11:30AM
I'm supposed to be helping Monika with her festival duties in about a half hour online, but I don't even know why I should. I'm so damn worthless anyways that I'll probably just be a burden. I don't want to even get up. I wish I could just lay here forever and never leave. I wish I could just hideaway forever and be forgotten. Deciding I might as well try to be useful for once, I reluctantly crawl out of bed and load up my laptop.
I honestly didn't know what to expect from today, and with how brutally honest Monika became, I really should expect the worse, but I guess I'm just hoping for the slightest glimmer of hope that things will be ok. Just once, I want everything to go right. As my laptop finally boots up, I load up Skype and notice Monika is already online. I don't know whether I should call her, or wait for her toc all me, but I didn't really get much time to think about it as almost immediately, I'm receiving a call from her. Seeing it ring, I almost don't want to answer. Why bother? How could I possibly be useful to her in anyway for this? Not only that, what is she gonna want to talk about? Is she gonna bring up Anon and Natsuki hanging out? I'm not ready for that, I wish I could just pretend Monika never told me. Why did she have to tell me that? Shaking my head to try and get rid of these thoughts, I answer the call, preparing myself for whatever Monika was ready to dish out.
"Hey, Monika." I say, pointlessly faking a smile. She giggles, seeing right through me.
"Still trying to hide who you really are?' Monika asks me mockingly, smiling as always. I knew it was pointless to try, but I wish she wouldn't point it out like that.
"Answer me this, Sayori. Why do you bother letting yourself suffer? Why do you continue to let yourself live on, knowing that you'll never accomplish anything? You'll never amount to nothing, and we both know that Anon will never love you. I know this seems harsh, but I care about you, and I hate to see you suffer like this, so why bother continuing to try?" Monika asked bluntly, her trademark smile never leaving. It's almost terrifying. However, all she's doing is telling me what I've ben telling myself for years. There's no reason to get upset at her for this when I've been doing the same thing. So why do I still want to cry? Why does it still hurt to hear these words? As I go to respond, I hear a knocking on my door. My parents shouldn't be home right now.
"Come in!" I say anyways. To my surprise, it was not my mom or dad that walked in, but Anon instead.
"Oh, hi, Anon!" I say, forcing a smile. Anon just stares at me in disbelief again. He suspects something. There's no doubt about it. About a minute of silence passes before I decide to break the awkwardness.
"So… it's been awhile since you last came over like this, eh?" I say, trying to sound natural. I can tell Anon isn't buying it, and I let out a nervous giggle. I can tell he's feeling just about as uneasy about this as I am.
"Yeah… it certainly has been. Weren't you supposed to be helping Monika today?" Anon asked me, his voice cracking. I know what he really wants to talk about.
"I'm just helping her online. There really isn't any reason for us to have to meet up for this." I say, still faking a smile. Anon shakes his head.
"Sayori, what's wrong? You don't seem like yourself." He tells me, full of concern. I guess there's no point in hiding it anymore.
"I am being myself, you just never get to see it." I tell him, finally letting my smile disappear.
"What? What do you mean?"
"I've suffered from bad depression all of my life. I just didn't want people to worry about me." I say, looking down. I hate that I have to tell him this. Everything would be so much better if he would just act like he never noticed anything.
"Sayori… Why haven't you ever told me about this? How could you keep this from me?" He asks me, persistent to find out. This is everything that I didn't want to do. Why does he have to worry about me? Why can't he just forget this ever happened?
'Well, that's because now you're gonna waste time worrying for me when you could be doing something actually important. Please, just don't worry about me. This is my punishment and I have to make up for it. Besides, isn't Natsuki going to be coming over soon?" I say, both trying to change the subject and trying to sound happy.
"Yeah, she'll be over so… Hey, how do you know about that?" I really wish he didn't ask me that, but it is my fault for bringing it up I guess.
"Monika told me, of course! I'm vice president after all, so it only makes sense that she keeps me updated on things." I tell him, which isn't that bad of an excuse, and luckily, he seems to buy it.
"Well… that's fair I guess."
"Yup! So please, don't worry about me. You better get home, before Natsuki gets there." I tell him, mainly just not wanting him here worrying about me. It hurts knowing that when he's gone, he'll be with Natsuki, but what the hell can I do about it? He still seems uneasy, but I think he's willing to just let it slide for now.
"Well, ok. But… now I'm not gonna be able to get this off my mind." He tells me. Why did he have to say that? Now it hurts even more.
"Please, Anon, stop worrying. It'll ruing your festival preparations, and we can't have that. I promise you, I'll be ok." A big white lie, but how else am I going to convince him otherwise?
"Alright, well I guess I'll leave you be. If you need someone to talk to though, please don't hesitate to call me."
'Of course, I will. Bye, Anon!" I "cheerfully" say before he leaves. I look out my window to see him head back to his house, and notice Natsuki has arrived. I watch them exchange greetings before they head inside, completely out of my sight. I turn around and sit back at my laptop, almost forgetting that Monika was still on the other end.
"How curious…" Monika says in a monotone voice. I noticed she wasn't smiling as she said that, and I honestly don't know if I preferred that, or if that made it more terrifying.
"What do you mean?" I shakily say.
"It seems he does care about you a lot more than I thought." She says, I can hear her tapping on her desk as she's thinking. She then giggles and smiles, which sends tons of chills down my spine.
"Well, I guess there's only one way to find out how he truly feels about you." Monika tells me, and I tilt my head in confusion. What the hell is she talking about?
"Think about it, Sayori, Anon and Natsuki are all alone together. No one's there to stop them from doing anything, and despite the tension between the two, people change when they're one on one with someone. They could realize at any moment that they have feelings for each other, and t any given moment, they could even act on it." Monika explains with a giggle. The two of them alone together, being able to do anything they want. The thought of that makes my heart ache.
"The only way for you to truly find out whether or not he feels the same way you do, is to confess." Monika tells me, her soul stealing grin plastered on her face. I know she's right, but the chance of being rejected is there, and I know that I probably won't be able to handle that.
"If you tell him and he feels the same way, then maybe you do have a purpose in this world, but if not, then that'll just show you how worthless you truly are. Think about it, ok?" Monika finishes as she suddenly ends the call. My heart is racing way faster than it should be. I can't see this going the way I want. If Anon rejects me, then that just proves I'm a worthless waste of space, and if he says yes, then maybe I won't be so worthless, but at the same time, that means he'll have to spend time worrying about me. I don't know how I feel about this, but at this point, I'm desperate for anything. I can't take this any longer. I must go check on them. I don't know what they could be doing right now, but my mind is being very mean to me right now they could be confessing to each other, they could be kissing, or… they could be getting intimate. I no longer have control over my own body, I have to see it for my own eyes.
Rushing down the stairs and out the front door, I sprint towards Anon's house, but I completely stop dead in my tracks as my eyes are met with a sight so heart stopping, so painful that my mind completely goes blank. There they were, Natsuki and Anon, standing out front his house, both leaning in for a kiss. I can feel my body trembling as their lips get closer and closer, but they don't connect. I see Natsuki lock eyes with me for a moment before she jumps away from Anon.
"S-S-Sayori!" She yells in a stutter. Anon turns around and just stands there, dumbfounded. I feel like my heart is about to explode.
"H-hi, Natsuki!" I say in probably the most pathetic attempt at sounding happy, but Natsuki seemed to buy it.
"N-nothing was happening, we weren't doing anything!" Natsuki tells me. I know she's lying to me, but I decide to just pretend everything is ok, it's the only thing I can ever do.
"It's ok, Natsuki! I just wanted to say hi!" I lie to her. What I came for I saw.
"Oh.. well.. Hi. Sorry, I was just leaving…so…" Natsuki runs away without finishing. I try my best to hold my smile, my lips trembling as I can feel y eyes about to tear up again. Anon looks at me, his concern obvious.
"Sayori… what… What are you doing here?" He stutters, clearly flustered.
"I just… I just had to see it with my own eyes. I had to see how much fun you two were having… alone… together…" I'm losing it. With every second passing, and with every word being passed through my lips, I can feel the hot tears forming from my eyes.
"Why? Why am I like this, Anon? Why do I feel this way? Why am I here? Everything would be so much better if I wasn't here!" I say, as I finally break down crying
"S-Sayori! Do-"
"No! it's true! If I wasn't here, you wouldn't ever have to waste your time on something as pathetic as me! You wouldn't have to feel guilty for getting close with Natsuki Everything would be much easier for everyone if I just left and never came back! Monika was right… I should just…" I can't finish it, it would just cause too much problems.
"Monika? What does-"
"Anon, I…I love you. I've always loved you. You're the only reason I wake up in the morning. You're everything to me, but at the same time, I hate that you care so much for me! There's so many better things to do, and so many better people out there to care for, I'm just so worthless and undeserving of everything! I just… want you to know how much I truly love you…" I cry out, my cheeks are red, and my face is hot, but I finally said it.
"Sayori…" Anon pulls me into a hug, but I don't hug back.
"Sayori… We've been best friends since we were children, and I promise you, no matter what, things will remain the same. You'll always be my dearest and best friend. We can all even hang out tomorrow at the festival, you, me, and Natsuki." He tells me softly. There it is. Rejection. I pull out of his grip, on the verge of going berserk.
"Ehehe… So, this is what it feels like…. To have your heart ripped out…" I say weakly, before dropping to my knees, and letting out the shrillest, most glass breaking, hysterical, manic scream I've ever let out. I look up at Anon, who posses a look of utter fear and shock. I weakly smile, before getting up and dashing back to my house, not looking back. Inside, the house, I slam the front door shut, rush up the stairs to my room, and slam the door shut as well. I expected him to reject me, but it still hurts worse than anything I've ever felt in my life. Without thinking I sit down at my laptop and call Monika. It rings several times, and I begin to become inpatient. I begin frantically tapping at my desk, millions and millions of negative thoughts flowing through my brain at once.
"Come on… come on… ANSWER THE FUCKING CALL!" I scream aloud, pounding my fists against my desk. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Monika picks up.
"Hey, Sayori, how'd i-" I interrupt her as I once again slam my fist on my desk. Monika jumps in surprise as I decide to just let everything out.
"YOU WERE RIGHT! I'M SO FUCKING STUPID! WE BOTH KNEW HE'D SAY NO, BUT OF COURSE MY STUPID SELF DECIDED TO CONFESS ANYWAYS! GOD, I'M SO FUCKING STUPID AND WORTHLESS!" I scream, breaking down into tears once again. I've never felt so worthless in my life. This was the worst I've ever felt, and of course, Monika just giggles and smiles.
"Well how about that? I guess you are worthless." Monika says with a laugh. I don't even know her anymore. How could she possibly get enjoyment out of this?
"You… you're one sick bitch, Monika." I say, in am monotone voice. Monika laughs even harder at this.
"It's not me who is sick, it's you. After all, you're the one with the depression, right?" She asks m, before laughing again. I can feel a mixture of rage and despair burning inside of me.
"Oh, don't worry though, Sayori. I still care about you. Which is why I'm here to help. You know, I'm not once to condone suicide, but I hate to see you in pain. Death really would be the only way out of this. After all, you're so worthless that no one would really care anyways. You might as well ju-" I don't even let her finish as I slam my laptop shut. I start punching the top of it, screaming and screaming as I eventually yank it from my desk, charger being ripped out of both the wall and charge port, and throw it against the wall with all my might. It shatters as numerous keys fly everywhere, as the screen is ripped off from the rest of it. I feel my head getting dizzy and my breathing intensifying with every breath. I'm done. I'm so done. I can't do this anymore. I crawl under my bed and pull out a noose that I had hidden from my parents in Anon. I made it in case I'd ever have to use it. I go into my closet and pull out an old, rickety stool and place it by my bed. I grab the noose and, climb onto the stool, and tie the rope to a hook hanging from my ceiling. I make sure the rope secure, tugging and tugging until it feels secure. I stand on the rope, it wobbles as I hold my arms out to keep my balance. I put my head through the loop and pull, making sure it's tight around my neck. The rope is rough and ragged, but I suppose that'll just add to it.
I now stand here, stool shaking, as I take my final breaths. I think about everything that led up to this: Monika's words, seeing Anon and Natsuki about to kiss, the rejection. It was all too much. So… why am I hesitating? What am I waiting for? This is what I wanted, this is to end my pain and suffering, so why am I just standing here? I… I… I can't do this. This won't end the pain. It will only pass it on. My goal in life is to make people happy, and doing this…
"Anon…. you said you'd always be my friend… You said we'd all hang at the festival tomorrow. If I were to…" Even with Natsuki, he still wants to make time to be with me. He does care, he really does care!
"What am I doing? If Anon were to see me like this… he'd be crushed. Maybe… just maybe I am worth something. Maybe I a-GAH!" My sentence was interrupted, as the stool below me snapped! I can feel the rope digging into my neck, the tightness of the rope completely cutting off my ability to breath. I can't let myself die, I must live! I desperately claw at the role, trying my hardest to loosen it in anyway, but it does me no good. My finger tips become bloody and itchy as the ragged rope slices them with ease. I feel my self getting weaker and weaker with every passing, the pain in my neck and chest getting worse and worse. I feel my vision fading, but I can't give up. I can't stop trying. There has to be a way, there jus-
….
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Author's Note: And there you go. Hope you guys enjoyed this little story.