Let's pretend that Sauron and Gimli didn't nance off into the sunset together, like they really did in "The Ultimate Mary Sue". We will also pretend that Vordolwen was not Sauron in disguise, like she/he really was. We will believe with all our heart that Legolas married Vordolwen, even though that was not what really happened. Right. Let's move on shall we?
Legolas married Vordolwen and they lived happily ever after, she morphing from a human to a half-elf to a full-elf by some unexplainable, illogical phenomenon. They have one child, who is obviously an elf, and of course, female. Since this is a Mary Sue, and thus a self-insert, the author will have no choice but to do what all Mary Sues have done before. Insert her name in (author note: Valar have mercy! Noooo! Don't let them stick my name in! GAHHH!). Thus, Legolas and Vordolwen named their daughter Alagedhelwen.
Which, according to the Barrows Down name generator thingy, is Millikov in Elvish, Millikov being the author's penname. (Note: and Millikov apparently means Nassssty Valar.)
Alagedhelwen, as expected, is more beautiful then her parents, Arwen, Galadriel, Luthien Tinuviel put together. As is typical of a post-War of the Ring, Self-Inserted Mary Sue, King Hoombaroombaladeeda is dead, Valar knows why, since Elves are supposed to be IMMORTAL.
Alagedhelwen had hair that the author will have to blather on about for no less than ten pages, this being a Mary Sue. (But she will spare you that torture. Praise the Valar!) All the reader has to know is that her hair is damn bloody long, black as a raven's wing, black as ebony. Her skin was flawlessly flawless, her eyes a piercing, flaming, emerald green, framed with thick black lashes.
It is as this point where Legolas, upon beholding that little brat…I mean…beautifully cherubic little elf (the author is beginning to feel sick), gasps.
"What's the matter, my love?" Vordolwen asks, turning her radiantly splendiferous face away from her little Alagedhelwen, not looking the least bit fatigued even though she was supposed to have been up all night with the midwives who were all screaming "Push, you fat arsed eejit! For Valar's sake, PUSH!" But of course, she would never have done that, this being a SELF-INSERTED MARY SUE, Alagedhelwen would just have poof! Magically and most extraordinarily appeared as a baby. (Author note: does one wonder why this baby is born with super-long hair? Ahhh…simple, because this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, thus we shall pretend that being born with arse-long hair is perfectly normal.)
Legolas does not reply to Vordolwen's query, either because he has come upon a revelation, or is just plain stupid.
So Vordolwen repeats her question, suddenly growing quite frantic that her dearest husband did not reply.
"What's the matter, my love?"
Legolas, awestruck, begins reciting a poem-
Three for the Elven Kings under the Sky,
Seven for the Dwarf Lords in their Halls of Stone,
Nine for Mortal Men Doomed to Die,
One for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne
And one more for the nancing Green-Eyed Girl
The Mary Sue who makes me hurl
That would be what the author would write, but most unfortunately, this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, meaning that it is horrendously sappy with an appalling rhyming scheme. So we shall try again.
Rewind. Play.
Legolas, awestruck, begins reciting a poem-
Three for the Elven Kings under the Sky,
Seven for the Dwarf Lords in their Halls of Stone,
Nine for Mortal Men Doomed to Die,
One for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne
Another found by the emerald-eyed maiden
Who with bow and arrow laden
Went forth to destroy
The Evil Dark Lord guy
Master Tolkein will be turning in his grave. But that is exactly what this piece of fiction aims to achieve, because it is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue. (Author note: might as well begin the story with that dreaded phrase from a certain soap opera-"Like sand through the hour glass, so are the days of Alagedhelwen's life." Snicker.)
Alagedhelwen grows up to be an even more stunningly breathtaking beauty, whom everybody adores, from Uncle Gimli to Uncle Qui-Gon Jinn the Electric Maroon, who was formerly known as Dumbledore the Neon Pink, before the whole Balrog thing. Of course, Alagedhelwen was a very rebellious and headstrong child, always fluttering around gracefully like a butterfly from flower patch to flower patch (author note: in short, prancing her nancing) around the woods of Rivenlorien like it's nobody's business. Of course, we know that the woods were once called Greenwood, then renamed Mirkwood, and finally Eryn Lasgalen, or Wood of the Greeleaves. But this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, therefore qualifying the author as an imbecilic retard who never even knew that the Lord of the Rings trilogy are actually BOOKS. The author of a Self-Inserted Mary Sue will only have watched the movie a gazillion times, not because it is entertaining or a fantastic transposition of book to movie, but for the sole purpose of ogling at Legolas's flat arse. Thus she will only know of two places where the elves live-Rivendaylle and Lofftlorien (again, watched movie but never read books, so the author will not know that it is actually Rivendell and Lothlórien). The author, not knowing what Legolas's home is called, thus names it Rivenlorien. And because this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, we will not question the author's obvious ignorance and utter lack of creativity, but will nod our heads approvingly, praising her for coming up with such an ingeniously brilliant name. Alagedhelwen flits around Rivenlorien, and all the servants run around looking for her, calling-
"Fair Princess Alagedhelwen, My Lady, where are you?"
They do not notice that she is standing right behind a tree; her head poking out, as she peeps and giggles. We will also turn a blind eye to this, because this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, meaning that Alagedhelwen is oh-so cleverly concealed. Legolas is oh-so proud of his gutsy daughter, Vordolwen oh-so worried of her gutsy daughter, because of the prophecy/poem thingy.
One day, Poof! Alagedhelwen finds the extra ring that she was supposed to find because of the prophecy/poem. She tells mummy dearest about it, and mummy dearest tells her about the poem/prophecy. Alagedhelwen then says-
"What must I do?"
Take the ring to Mordor and cast it into the fires of Mount Doom, you moron.
Alagedhelwen puzzles over what to do for an eternity, before hitting upon a solution.
"I, Alagedhelwen, will take the ring to Mordor and cast it into the fires of Mount Doom, although I do not know the way."
Brilliant. Uhh…I mean Bloody Brilliant! Wow! Excellent idea! I would NEVER have thought of that!
Mummy dearest cries but lets her go, Daddy dearest bawls his lungs out but lets her go.
Enter the Gary Stu, Aragorn and Erwon (Again, the idiocy of a Self-Inserted Mary Sue author, so it becomes Erwon, not Arwen)'s son, Nurwethion.
Which, according to the name generator thingy at Barrows Down, means Gary Stu in elvish. (And, according to that, Gary Stu means Illiterate Uruk-hai). Along with Nurwethion comes his brother, Ascafalath, meaning Pervy Alagedhelwen-fancier in Elvish. This means that we all know where this story is heading, but will be mindfully ignorant of that fact, as this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue. We will also choose to discard the fact that Aragorn and Erwon/Arwen had only one son named Eldarion, and a couple of daughters. All of whom, I am sure, were not Pervy Alagedhelwen-fancier's. But we don't know that do we? Noooooo.
Nurwethion and Ascafalath are to accompany Alagedhelwen to Mordor, as she does not know the way.
"So be it,' announces Legolas grandly. "By the power vested in me by my late father, King Hoombaroombaladeeda,"
"And the power vested in me by my late father Sissyissywissykumbaya," interjects Aragorn, seemingly in the name of friendship, and we will all pretend to be dickheads and not realize that Aragorn is just trying to outdo Legolas. After all, this is a Self-Inserted Mary Sue.
"So be it. You shall be the New Fellowship of the Other Ring!" Legolas announces. And they all clap and cheer and we clap and cheer along with everybody, utterly err…impressed by this display of grandeur.
Nurwethion takes one look at Alagedhelwen and hates her. Or supposedly hates her, seemingly unaware of the inevitable stirring in his loins the minute he gazed into her fiery emerald eyes and beheld her perfect beauty, not to mention her slim and lithe frame, as well as her arse-long hair. We will play along. Nurwethion hates Alagedhelwen. He does not have the overwhelming desire to shag her. He hates her. Ascafalath also encounters that surge of Elvish Testosterone. Ascafalath elbows Nurwethion aside in a frantic bid to kiss Alagedhelwen's hand. We are permitted to know that Ascafalath fancies Alagedhelwen, simply because it is SO DAMN OBVIOUS, due to the fact that Ascafalath has been snogging Alagedhelwen's hand for about ten minutes or so. Legolas, Vordolwen, Aragorn and Erwon, however, are utterly charmed by this extremely pervy display of lust, and simultaneously start contemplating arranging a marriage between the two. It is at this point where those who are reading this Self-Inserted Mary Sue must scream "Noooooo!!!!! Alagedhelwen, don't go for Ascafalath! You belong to Nurwethion who hates you to bits, because the both of you are PERFECT for each other!" (Author note: and also because we know that he really wants to shag you and you really want to shag him.). Of course, one will wonder how come Nurwethion hates Alagedhelwen even though he wants to shag her, and why they are perfect for each other. Simple. Proper Plot Development and Characterization are non-existent in a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, or any other Mary Sue, for that matter.
And off they go (Wheee!). Alagedhelwen, Nurwethion and Ascafalath set off for Mount Doom, accompanying them are Alagedhelwen menagerie of animals. There's Pigwidegon the owl, Mystic Fog the white wolf, and a high-spirited steed called Star Fire. Aren't these names simply amazing? (Note that these words are highly coated with sarcasm). And yes, you guessed it, these animals are psychic and Alagedhelwen can communicate with them telepathically.
Here I feel compelled to pause a little to ponder-Why in Middle-Earth must they destroy the Other Ring? Is it evil? I mean, Nenya, Narya and Vilya weren't used for evil purposes were they? Nooooo… this just happens to be a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, so the Other Ring is automatically evil.
So the New Fellowship of the Other Ring journey on and on and on and on across hill and heather, Nurwethion forcing himself to ignore Alagedhelwen, whom Ascafalath is cozying up to. And Alagedhelwen is too idiotic...oops…I mean innocent to notice, regarding Ascafalath as a friend, and as expected, Ascafalath gets the wrong message. Ascafalath starts thinking- "Ssshe likess me…preciouss likess me…will ssshag preciouss soon…" Or something along those lines.
Fast Forward to Lofftlorien (note: Lothlórien). Ascafalath can take it no more, and thus tells Alagedhelwen that he loves her (in other words, he oh-so desperately wants to shag her). Alagedhelwen modestly tells him-
"Ah, dear Ascafalath, I love you only as a brother."
Oh dear. Bad move.
Ascafalath pretends that everything is okay, reassures her that they will remain friends, before darting into the woods and instantly becoming evil. Galadriel and Kelebeletornian (note: Celeborn) are oblivious to everything, and Haldir and the rest of the Galadhrim have mysteriously disappeared and thus will not make a cameo here, because in a Self-Inserted Mary Sue, the author will not know what the Galadhrim are, and will have forgotten about Haldir. Ascafalath plots to steal the Other Ring. Everyone else is too busy nancing about to notice. After all, this is a SELF-INSERTED MARY SUE.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The atypical author of a Self-Inserted Mary Sue will end of like this-Whut do u thnk? REED AND REVIEW PLZ!!!!!!!! I WIL NOT CONTINEW UNTIL I HAF 10373537 REVIEWS! SO STRT REVIEWING NOW! I WIL GIVE U A COKIE IF U REVEW! (Note: Spelling mistakes in that segment are intentional, in order to portray a proper Self-Inserted Mary Sue)
Real Author note: May the Valar have mercy on us, and deliver us from the evil Mary Sues.
P.S yes, I will continue this fic, it will probably be done in 2 or 3 chapters. And no, unlike the typical Self-Inserted Mary Sue author, I am not requiring you to post 10373537 reviews before I continue. Apologies to any Mary-Sue writer out there. This is just something fun to do.