Title: The Confession
Author: Fallenbelle
Rating: K+ for mature themes
Summary: Why was it, that after she had left him for Darcy, William had made no effort to find another woman?
Spoilers/Setting/Notes: Very early season 6, right after Murdoch Air. In Back and to the Left, Julia tells William that she understands why William didn't come to the wedding, but did she truly understand at the time, or did she find out the whole truth later? I think it was later, which is what this fic addresses. Alludes to several episodes of season 4 and of course, Twentieth Century Murdoch as well. William and Julia have the conversation in which she learns why he didn't stop her wedding. Thanks to for the beta, but all mistakes remain mine alone.
Confession: I have other fics that I'm trying to work on right now, but instead of making progress on those, this happened. C'est la vie!
Disclaimer: If I owned these characters, I wouldn't be waiting for a dress I'm dying to have go on sale while hoping they still have my size.
Vienna had been lovely, but she was thankful to be back in Toronto again. Happy to be home on a lovely spring day, and happy to be outside, stretching her legs during a stroll around the park. What made it even better was that William was by her side, and they were on their way to being able to be free to love one another again.
Not that they had ever stopped though. Attempts to do otherwise had proved an epic disaster.
At first, talk had centered around the case William had just finished-namely the flying machine that he had actually flown across Niagara Falls to escape Clegg and the other malevolent Americans-before Pendrick had had no choice but to push it into the falls for fear that the invention would be used for the wrong purposes when Meyers and the Canadian government had proved themselves to be no better.
Still, Julia was amazed. Trust William to be one of the first-if not the first man to fly an aircraft, which only proved how truly special he really was, and what was even better was that he hadn't let it go to his head. It was just one of the myriad of reasons she loved him.
However, while the tale was undoubtedly fascinating, Julia was preoccupied with a question that had weighed heavily on her mind for the past several months as her marriage to Darcy imploded before it ever really began, and on cold winter nights in Vienna, when she lay alone in her bed, wishing William were next to her, helping to keep her warm-amongst other things.
Why was it, that after she had left him for Darcy, William had made no effort to find another woman?
While a part of her claimed that she'd altruistically moved to Buffalo because she couldn't give William the family that he so wanted and deserved, deep within, she'd been forced to admit to herself that she'd left William before he could leave her. There was no way he'd want to marry her once she found out that she couldn't have children-or so she thought. Because why else had she hoped that he'd use his detecting skills to find her in Buffalo, and deliver that damn proposal himself?
Heartbroken, she took his silence as rejection, and while she didn't exactly encourage Darcy's advances, she'd made no effort to rebuff his affections either. She didn't have the heart to fight, and quickly agreed to become his wife, as it was better than nothing, particularly as William had clearly made it known that he wasn't interested in a sterile wife.
Hadn't he? Wasn't his silence testament to that? Terrified that there would soon be news of a future Mrs. Murdoch, she'd left Toronto without so much as a goodbye to him, yet still dreading the day when the information would soon find its way to her. She couldn't bear to see the lucky woman who would become his wife and would have the legal right to share his bed and his life. Even worse than the impending marriage would be the soon-to-follow news that she carried his child-a privilege that she would never have.
Yet, despite her whirlwind romance (if one could call it that), engagement, and eventual marriage to Darcy, William had remained resolutely single. There had been that brief interlude with Anna Fulford, but nothing had ultimately come of it, and Julia knew from multiple first-hand conversations with the woman herself that she was more than interested in him, and had even quite determinedly pursued him. He was the sole reason she kept returning to Toronto even though she should never have done so for her own safety.
Julia couldn't understand why he hadn't moved on with Anna (although she was relieved he hadn't), was he that anti-peripatetic? Was the Toronto Constabulary truly his whole life? These were questions that she had mulled over for months, and she still wasn't any closer to having answers now than she had when she had first asked them to herself.
But out of all the questions she had about William's motives and behavior, one singular question remained: why hadn't he made an effort to find another woman who could bear children? Why had he remained single? He wanted a family-why not find a woman who could give it to him?
This one question-above all the others had been eating at her for more than a year, and she needed answers. As for their current situation, no ring had yet been presented, but William had more than made it clear to her of his intention to marry her once her marriage was dissolved. But still, she worried that he was marrying her out of a sense of obligation, and while there had been quite the romantic declaration last New Year's Eve, she needed everything out in the open-she was tired of the misunderstandings that seemed to plague their relationship.
Finding a bench, she wordlessly steered them towards it, sitting down and making herself comfortable. Silently, he joined her, and quietly looked at her, waiting for her to speak. It must have been plain upon her face that she had something serious to discuss, because he looked somewhat discomfited as well.
"William, there's something I must ask-it's been bothering me for quite some time, and I need to know." Julia asked.
William nodded. "Of course, Julia. What is it?"
"Why didn't you make an effort to court another woman and even marry after I, well, you know, when I..." Julia trailed off, suddenly, she found herself unable to say the words.
After I left you before you could leave me. After I became engaged to another man so soon after moving to Buffalo. After I refused to listen to reason from my sister (who was so damnably right), that I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. After I married a man I should never have married.
William swallowed, and nodded. "It's a fair question, Julia, and an answer I'm not particularly proud of." Instead of continuing however, he frowned, and fiddled with the brim of his hat.
Anxious for answers, Julia continued the conversation herself. "Why William, why? Do you know that I spent my entire wedding ceremony constantly glancing at the door, hoping, and even praying to a god I'm not sure exists that you'd walk through and rescue me? " Julia asked, anger creeping ever so lightly into her voice.
William sighed deeply, and looked at his feet, which he scuffed in the dirt. Ever since Julia had told him that she and Darcy had parted and that they could be together once again, he'd been dreading this question-but he'd known it was coming, and he agreed that Julia deserved to know.
But that didn't mean that he wasn't scared to answer it fully and truthfully, and gave instead a weak explanation. "I gave Darcy my word. He asked about our past, made it clear that he would fight for you, and seeing as you had agreed to marry him, I honored your decision," William explained.
"You let me marry a man I wasn't fully in love with-after I asked you to stop it if you still had feelings for me, because you gave your word as a man? That's it? My feelings were inconsequential? You and Darcy decided my future and settled it as gentlemen? You never asked me? Your honor trumped all of that?" Julia indignantly half-shouted.
William winced as though she'd slapped him. Although, he couldn't argue that he didn't deserve it. He did.
"Julia, you agreed to marry him. I thought your feelings were quite clear. I didn't want to intrude on your happiness; I wanted to respect your decision," William replied, his own voice rising in anger.
It was the argument he'd been dreading for months now, but he knew that they were all things they needed to say so that they could move forward and not repeat the same mistakes again.
"But I asked you to stop it! Dammit, William, I begged you. I put myself out there in a way that I have never done before or since. Was your word as a gentleman so important to you that you sacrificed me to another man for it? Damn what you say about my not needing to be rescued, William. I needed you to rescue me from making the biggest mistake of my life. I needed you, William. You were the only person who could save me from myself, and you didn't come-because of a gentleman's agreement?" she vehemently spat.
In for a penny, in for a pound, William thought. He rubbed his face with his hands and sighed deeply. William knew that she deserved the full truth-that he would have stopped the wedding (damn the damage it would have caused to his reputation) if he could. He'd never really been able to deny her anything, and he wished things would have been different-that he could have made different decisions. If only…
He mentally slapped himself. No good was going to come from playing that game-things happened the way they had happened, and he had to react to the situation as it existed-not as he wished it had played out approximately 18 months earlier.
"All right, Julia. I owe you the whole story. That conversation with Darcy did happen, and it's why I didn't say or do anything earlier, but once I got your note, well, I would have gone back on my word a million times if I had been in a position to do so. But I wasn't, Julia. I couldn't-it was complicated." William rubbed his face again, and tugged on his tie-he was clearly uncomfortable, and Julia knew he was about to tell her something big.
"What I'm about to tell you, I've told to no one but the Inspector. In fact, if word of this gets out, not only could it ruin me, it could also ruin him as well. Regardless of how angry you feel, I need you to promise it will go no further-I'm telling you because you deserve the truth-that I wouldn't have ever let you marry Darcy if I could have stopped it.
Taking a deep breath to calm herself down, Julia nodded. She could keep secrets.
"Ava Moon/Constance Gardner-did you hear that it was not the first time we had encountered one another? We first met many years ago when I was a constable at Station House 1."
"I know the basic details. I know you convinced her to testify against Cudmore/Littlefair and he attacked her in retaliation after he was cleared of the charges. She killed him in retribution, and she escaped before she could hang, although it's a mystery how she managed to escape a fully staffed police station with excellent locks…" she trailed off and her eyes went wide with surprise.
"Unless, oh, William-it was you. You let her go when everyone was at the wedding. Oh, William..." She grabbed his hand, and kissed it, holding it to her breast as she stroked it.
William merely nodded, and sighed, looking back down at the ground, his hat in his other hand as he nervously fiddled with the brim. "A wedding no one was expecting me at-save for you, and well, I had to right a wrong-I couldn't let her go to the noose for something I was complicit in, Julia. Cudmore ruined her life when he cut her face…as well as other things…he truly was a vile creature. With that attack, she lost her livelihood, most likely a chance at a husband and family of her own…" he trailed off, a lost look in his eyes.
Shaking his head, and tugging at his tie again, he continued. "My own stubbornness for the truth was responsible for her situation, and in righting that wrong, I had no choice but to let you marry a man you didn't love as much as you still loved me. To then find a loving wife and have a family of my own after I had deprived two women of such joys seemed reprehensible. I just couldn't do it-I thought maybe I could with Anna, but in the end, it wasn't meant to be-and I accepted my sentence for my past sins. A more than fair atonement, it was."
Julia was silent. Long ago, she'd told William that he wasn't the only one living in his head, and much of this mess was a prime example of her own obtuseness and stubbornness. If she hadn't been so scared of rejection, she would have told William of her infertility and given him a chance to process the information rather than running away. It would have saved so much trouble, grief, and heartbreak.
She wished she knew what to say to him-he'd just opened up in a big way to her, but she wasn't sure what she could say that would be sufficient. Far from walking away from her callously as she had long feared, he had sacrificed his own happiness. She should have known better than to even think William capable of abandoning her in such a way.
She looked up, and saw him stare intently at her, his beautiful eyes serving as a window to his soul, and in that moment, her own psyche was laid bare. She began to cry as waves of conflicting emotions drowned her. Of course there were tears of happiness at the possibilities the future held for them, as well as those of sadness at the dreams that could never be-such as children of their own and all the regret of the hurts they had inflicted upon one another. But there were no words for her feelings, only tears to speak of the range of feelings she was experiencing-she cried as she hadn't since her mother had died, and she couldn't possibly stop as her body shook from the force of her emotions.
William said nothing, but took her into his arms and held her tightly-not caring in the slightest that her tears were soaking and probably ruining his crisp, white shirt collar. Julia wrapped her own arms around him, and clung to him as tightly as she could. Meanwhile, he buried his head in her own neck, where she was certain she felt his tears in response as he ran his hands up and down her back.
Thus, as they tightly held onto one another on a park bench, she knew that everything would be okay between them. He still loved her, and she hoped he knew how much she loved him. She hoped that the annulment with Darcy was handled quickly, and together, they could finally find their own version of a happy ending.