I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away
Sarah peered into the faces of the beautiful baby girls lying in her arms. Her sweaty blonde hair stuck to her neck and tears gathered in her eyes as she watched the babies sleep. The one on her left opened her eyes and gazed up at her mother. "Hi, Samantha. I'm your momma. And I'm going to take care of you, okay?" she whispered. Samantha gurgled. And to this very day, Sarah swears that Samantha looked up at her and smiled.
It had started in college. No, it must have started when Sarah Puckett was growing up. Her father up and left two days after her twelfth birthday. Sarah blamed her mother, and got into one of the worst and only fights of their lives. Her mother slowly began sleeping later and later. By the time Sarah was thirteen and a half, there were days her mother wouldn't get out of bed at all.
Sarah studied hard all through high school. Homework became an escape from her home life, and she was given three different academic scholarships by the end of her junior year of high school. She kept working, promising herself that if she did something to make her mother proud, she would get her dad to come home, and they would all be a family again.
In the year of 1994, Sarah became the valedictorian of Ocean View High School. Neither her mother or father made it to the ceremony.
It was the second week of college that Sarah received the news. The hospital called her during her lunch break, and briskly informed her of her mother's death. School was put on hold for Sarah as she identified the body, made funeral arrangements, and sold her mother's house. It was at the signing of the house that she met Ben.
I didn't know that it was so cold
And you needed someone
to show you the way
He was tall, charming, and dangerous. Extremely dangerous. He was the polar opposite of her. Not caring about anybody or anything, that was all that Sarah wanted to become. He was just what Sarah convinced herself she needed.
And here she was, nine months later. Sitting in a hospital room completely alone with two baby girls completely dependent upon her.
From the beginning, the girls seemed to be complete opposites. Melanie was quiet, timid, and always smiling. Samantha was…loud. But since they were months old, Samantha was always extremely protective of her sister. This was something that broke Sarah's heart. She would look at Melanie and see her own frightened eyes reflected, her own timidness shining through. Then Samantha would grab Melanie's fist, gurgling at her…comforting her. Sarah longed for a Samantha to protect her.
Sarah loved to read to the girls each night. All three girl's favorite book was Dr. Seuss', "Horton Hatches an Egg," a book about Horton the elephant who sits on an egg for a lazy bird. When the egg hatches, it has an elephant tail and ears since Horton was the one who took care of it. Although the girls loved it for the zany illustrations and rhymes, Sarah believed it to be the perfect reflection of their family. Neither Sam nor Melanie possessed any of Ben's physical traits, but all three girls had the same trademark curly blonde hair and navy blue eyes.
The girls were absolutely gorgeous. Sarah would lovingly brush it every night, 100 strokes, like her mother used to do to her. As soon as they were old enough, Sarah enrolled the girls in pageants. She loved how motherly it felt, dressing them up, doing their makeup, and feeling the pride swell in her chest, creating a knot in her throat as she watched them cross the stage.
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the tide comes
I'd take you away
The girls started daycare young so that Sarah would be able to work. One day while the girls were three, Sarah got called in from work. Melanie sat against the wall crying and Samantha sat silently in the time out chair. Three older boys sat in other time out chairs with bloody noses, whimpering. "Melanie! Baby, what's wrong?" Sarah asked. "Samantha's in trouble," Melanie sobbed, "and it's all because of me." She hooked her arms around Sarah's neck. "No, it's not, Melanie!" Samantha screeched. "It's those boys. Mommy…" she ran from the chair to her mother's arms. She hooked Sarah's silky hair behind her ear and cupped her pudgy hand around the ear. "Mommy, please can we go home? Please, Mommy?" Sarah smiled shakily at her beautiful girls. She vowed never to let anything bad happen to them, ever. She grabbed their hands and marched out of the daycare center without a second glance.
If you want to, I can save you
I can take you away from here
By recommendation of the girls' new preschool, Samantha was signed up for karate classes as soon as she turned five. The teachers insisted that the classes would channel Samantha's energy into a constructive source. It was the first thing that Samantha had ever done without Melanie, and she absolutely loved it. The instructor's name was Nick, and he was extremely impressed with Samantha's karate skills. "Are you sure you're a Samantha?" he would ask, laughing. "I swear that you have the skills of a Sam!" From that day on, Samantha fully became a Sam.
Nick and Sarah met at Sam's graduation to a yellow belt. Ice cream after the ceremony turned into lunch dates which turned into dinner dates, and before long, a wedding date was set. The girls absolutely adored having Nick around the house. "You girls can do anything you set your mind to," Nick promised. "You want something? You go after it."
Sam soaked up this advice and applied it to everything. One day in third grade, she saw the girl with the brown hair sitting by herself, eating a tuna sandwich. Although Sam had finished her own lunch, she was intrigued by the tuna because it looked and smelled so much like what her cat, Frothy, ate. She wanted that sandwich, and Nick's words echoed in her mind. Carly reminded Sam of Melanie so much. She was smart, quiet, and eager to impress the teacher. But when Sam shoved her to the ground to get the sandwich, Carly shoved her back, something that Melanie would never do. From that day on, Sam and Carly were best friends. Sam craved to spend time with Carly. She was everything Sam loved about her sister without the vulnerability. Of course, Melanie had met Carly a few hours ago at snack time. The three girls got along great, and quickly became inseparable.
So lonely inside, so busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares
Two week before their wedding, Nick was riding in a taxi home from the airport. A brand new pick up truck was sitting in Sarah's driveway, her wedding gift to him. A drunk driver hit the taxi half an hour from the house, and Nick was killed instantly.
After hearing about the car crash, Sarah didn't leave the house for a week. She told Sam and Melanie that she had to get away, and called Spencer Shay, asking if her girls could stay with him and Carly for a little while. The girls had a weeklong slumber party.
Sarah didn't leave her bed, trying her hardest to convince herself that she was not turning into her mother. Anytime she tried to get out of the house, the sounds of everyone's happiness or anger over such little things would bring her to tears. All she had wanted was someone to protect her.
I'm sinking slowly, so hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Sarah rattled the bottle of sleeping pills, and then poured the capsules out into her sweating palm. She tilted her head back, and poured the pills into her mouth. The front door slammed open, and she heard her angels calling. "Mom? We're home."
She spit the pills into the toilet, and flushed, again, and again, and then stood watching them swirl down the drain.
"Melanie…Sam? I'm right here," she called. "I'm right here."
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone
"Sam, look at me. Sam!" Melanie shrieked, shaking her sister. "If you go, I'll never talk to you again," Sam spat. "If you really loved me, you would be happy for me! Sam, this is such an incredibly opportunity…" Melanie sat down on her bed, her eyes slowly filling with tears. "Sam, come on. You have no idea how hard it is for me being here. I can't deal with Mom all the time." She took a deep breath, and walked over to her sister. "Sam. You'll still have Carly. Don't do this to me, Sam, come on." Sam blinked up at the ceiling, her trick for keeping tears in. Pucketts didn't cry. Some Puckett Melanie was, bailing on her like this. "Whatever. I'm happy you're going. I can't stand being around you, you're such a perfect little girly girl. You make me sick," Sam answered, rummaging through her sock drawer for her stash of Bovarian bacon. "Seriously, go." She looked at Melanie in the eyes, glad to see her own face reflected sculpted into complete calm, while inside she was screaming. "Just go."
"Sam, how about I pick you and Carly up from school today? Then I can drop you two off at Carly's house. You're sleeping over there, right?" Both Sarah and Sam knew that Sam hadn't mentioned sleeping over at Carly's. But, as was their routine, they both played along. "Sure, Mom," Sam said.
Sarah dropped off the girls, thrilled that they were friends. Carly reminded her of Melanie, polite, nice, sweet. She vaguely wondered if that was what attracted Sam to Carly, to find a replacement sister…she shook her head. "Thanks for the ride, Mrs. Puckett!" Carly called as they got out of the car. Sarah watched as they entered the lobby, and then pulled out, headed on a route that she knew all too well—the short drive to the bar.
Sam's cell phone began buzzing. She glanced down at the caller ID, surprised to see her home number flashing. "Um, I'll be right back," she told Carly. "Bathroom." She walked to the Shay's bathroom and closed the door tightly. "Mom?" "Sam! Sweetie, just wait until you see this brand new bikini that Melanie sent me. I am just so touched, and I love it so much, that I haven't taken it off. Just wait until you see it!" "Mom, trust me, nobody wants to see that," Sam said, noting the slurring in her mother's words with disgust. Her mother had her good days and her bad days. It was pretty clear which direction this day would be going. "Oh, Sam. I know you miss your sister, honey." Sarah said with a sigh. "What are you talking about, Mom? I gotta go, okay? See you later," Sam snapped, and closed the phone.
"Hey, can I sleep over tonight?" Sam casually asked Carly as it got later. "You don't want to go home?" Carly asked, sounding surprised. And why wouldn't she? If you were Carly Shay, with a crazy older brother as your guardian, an awesome apartment, who wouldn't want to go home? Sam swallowed down her biting responses, reminding herself that it wasn't Carly's fault her sister abandoned her, and she was stuck dealing with her mother. "Nah," she answered. "When my mom buys a new bikini, she usually likes to wear it around the house for a few days to "break it in." If you're my friend, you won't make me see that," she said with a grin.
A few hours later, the girls lounged on the couch, half asleep, watching Girly Cow. Sam thought about her half-lie to Carly about her mother's bikini, and reflected on the other "lies" she had told in regards to her mother…
It was while she was dating that loser, Jonah. Actually, she had met him shortly after Melanie proudly called home to brag about her first kiss. She was opening her lunch with Carly, and pulled out low-fat cheese in a can. She smiled, proud that her mother had remembered to give her food today, her and Melanie's absolute favorite food, though she would never tell anyone that. Low fat cheese was so Melanie's thing, and ham was Sam's. That was something left over from their mother's obsession with Dr. Seuss. "I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam-I-Am!" Anyway, when she pulled out the can, Carly laughed. "What's this?" she had asked, a giggle in her voice, prepared for Sam's sure-to-be-hilarious answer. "Lunch," Sam replied, stating the obvious. "Low-fat cheese in a can? This is what your mother gave you for lunch?" Carly asked. "I'm just happy she got up before noon," Sam answered honestly, then pasted on a fake smile, so that Carly would know she was "joking."
And then there was that stupid reading bet with Freddie. Her mother had been having one of her bad days, gazing at old pictures of her and Nick, and screaming at Frothy to get a job. When she crashed at Carly's to read, Carly asked why she couldn't read at her house. And Sam had half-honestly replied, "Because my mom keeps screaming at the cat to get a job...yeah, I don't know."
Sam crept into the bathroom again, relieved to note that Carly's eyes were closed as she lay, softly snoring. She dialed her home phone number again, and pressed the phone into her ear. "Hello?" her mom said, groggily. "Hi Mom, it's Sam. I just wanted to say goodnight. And that I love you," Sam said, embarrassed at how ridiculously girly and mushy she sounded. "Thanks for calling honey. It really means a lot to me. I love you too. Good night, Samantha."
And even though Sam knew that her mother wouldn't remember this conversation at all in the morning, that was okay. Because Sam knew that it had happened. And for now, that would have to be enough.