(Author's note: Hi everybody. It's been a while since I posted something. But I was sitting up at 7 am and I've had this kicking around for a while, so I thought I'd post it. " The Fine Art of Falling Apart" is a song my the Matthew Good Band. It's taken me quite a while to figure out something that fit the song that I was pleased with. So I'll stop babbling for now and let you read the story. Enjoy. ~R.G.)
The fine art of falling apart
"I walk alone and I
I ride alone and I
I rock myself to sleep
Baby, there ain't enough room in this world
For people like you
And horrors like me"
I opened the door of the apartment and drug myself and my bag inside. It had been over a month since the last time that I'd been here. Adam made me come down and spend the last break with him and Alanah in Florida. He told me that he was worried about me. I agreed to stay, but it didn't help me that much. I walked over to the dining room table and put my keys down. I looked around and sighed. This place just wasn't the same without her here anymore. I look over at the desk and see all the pictures of us together. I sigh and pick one up. It was her favorite, the one when we have our foreheads together and are growling at each other. She always loved to goof around about the whole 'Rhyno' thing. She thought it was kind of funny. She never understood how I got such a nickname. I held it to my chest and held back tears in my eyes. It was different without her here.
" A time of darkness
There lived a girl in a cave in the woods
Disguised as a bee
At night she would fly into the city
Sting the cause
And sting the cost
And she would hover of over me
Whispering
We're surfacing
We're surfacing"
She would always be here when I got home from a tour, or even just a show or appearance. She always made this place feel like a home. A warm, loving home that would always be waiting on me wherever I came from, or whenever I got home. She was my stability, hell, who am I kidding, she was my life.
" I stand alone and I
I fight alone and I
Stay clean by feeling cheap
And baby, there ain't enough room in this world
For perfection's like you
And monsters like me
A time of darkness
You will look absurd and you will feel inert
And you will go looking to blame somebody
You see I used to think that I'd get over everything
But everything just got
Over me"
I stood there holding the picture and was snapped out of my thoughts by a knocking on the door. I walked over and answered the door.
" Hey man, what 'cha doing?" Scott (Raven) said as he and Rob (Van Dam) stood on my doorstep.
I shrugged, not really feeling like talking to anyone. I haven't had any real alone time in quite a while, in fact, ever since she left.
" Hey, we're going out to eat. Come with us." Rob said.
" No."
" What do you mean 'No' Terry, I know that you don't have anything in that refrigerator over there." Scott said pointing at the fridge in the next room. " What's in your hand?" he asked me, grabbing for my arms. I pulled back, but I wasn't quick enough and he tore the picture from my hands. I let out an angry grunt and they looked at the picture.
" Terry, it's been almost a year." Rob said looking at me with sympathetic eyes.
" I don't need your pity. Just leave me alone." I said, taking the picture back. I shut my door and I heard them outside.
" Terry, just let go. You're falling apart." Scott said from the other side of the door.
" There's a fine art of falling apart." I said quietly, " Now just leave." I heard their footsteps going away from my door and I looked around and looked down at the picture.
"I'm some of it
You're some of it
We're some of it
I'm certain of it
I walk alone and I
I ride alone and you know
That's all right by me
See baby cause
There ain't enough room in this world
For a great, great many things"
I sit down on the couch and cough as the dust flies up at me. I sigh and put my head back on the cushions. I look up and see the picture of me, Adam, Jay, Scott and Rob in our tuxes. It was my wedding day. I look down at the solid gold ring on my finger. A lot of the guys didn't understand why I still wore it. I still loved her. I always would. She was my only love, the person that I lived my life around. She was the one that helped me accomplish my goal of becoming a professional wrestler. She stuck with me even when I was in Germany, a world away. And just like that she was taken from me. Just because of a drunk. I sit there on the couch and think about all the memories and everything that we used to do together, everything that we used to dream about. She always wanted to get a big house in the country and have two or three kids and have a big dumb sheepdog and some barn cats. She was my dreamer. She gave me a reason to dream too.
I found out that when she was taken from me she was two months pregnant. They said it would have been a little boy. That added another blow that I just couldn't stand. Vince gave me a month or two off. I ended up taking three. I didn't say more than two words at a time. I stayed with Adam, Jason, Scott, Rob or whoever told me that I was coming with them. I didn't argue. I didn't feel like it. I was empty. I had no reason to live anymore. I went to my brother's house once or twice, but everything just seemed so empty.
Everyone said that with time it would all get better, but nothings got better. A whole year later. I just keep wondering what our little boy would be like, and how great of a mother she would have been. It's so fucking unfair that it makes me sick. I've had people tell me just to get over it, I've had people sign me up for therapy, I've had people walk on eggshells around me, but it's still not any better. There's a immense hole inside my chest that won't close. I can't help it. It takes a while to get over the fact that you've lost your everything. There is a fine art to falling apart, and I guess I'm learning the hard way.
The fine art of falling apart
"I walk alone and I
I ride alone and I
I rock myself to sleep
Baby, there ain't enough room in this world
For people like you
And horrors like me"
I opened the door of the apartment and drug myself and my bag inside. It had been over a month since the last time that I'd been here. Adam made me come down and spend the last break with him and Alanah in Florida. He told me that he was worried about me. I agreed to stay, but it didn't help me that much. I walked over to the dining room table and put my keys down. I looked around and sighed. This place just wasn't the same without her here anymore. I look over at the desk and see all the pictures of us together. I sigh and pick one up. It was her favorite, the one when we have our foreheads together and are growling at each other. She always loved to goof around about the whole 'Rhyno' thing. She thought it was kind of funny. She never understood how I got such a nickname. I held it to my chest and held back tears in my eyes. It was different without her here.
" A time of darkness
There lived a girl in a cave in the woods
Disguised as a bee
At night she would fly into the city
Sting the cause
And sting the cost
And she would hover of over me
Whispering
We're surfacing
We're surfacing"
She would always be here when I got home from a tour, or even just a show or appearance. She always made this place feel like a home. A warm, loving home that would always be waiting on me wherever I came from, or whenever I got home. She was my stability, hell, who am I kidding, she was my life.
" I stand alone and I
I fight alone and I
Stay clean by feeling cheap
And baby, there ain't enough room in this world
For perfection's like you
And monsters like me
A time of darkness
You will look absurd and you will feel inert
And you will go looking to blame somebody
You see I used to think that I'd get over everything
But everything just got
Over me"
I stood there holding the picture and was snapped out of my thoughts by a knocking on the door. I walked over and answered the door.
" Hey man, what 'cha doing?" Scott (Raven) said as he and Rob (Van Dam) stood on my doorstep.
I shrugged, not really feeling like talking to anyone. I haven't had any real alone time in quite a while, in fact, ever since she left.
" Hey, we're going out to eat. Come with us." Rob said.
" No."
" What do you mean 'No' Terry, I know that you don't have anything in that refrigerator over there." Scott said pointing at the fridge in the next room. " What's in your hand?" he asked me, grabbing for my arms. I pulled back, but I wasn't quick enough and he tore the picture from my hands. I let out an angry grunt and they looked at the picture.
" Terry, it's been almost a year." Rob said looking at me with sympathetic eyes.
" I don't need your pity. Just leave me alone." I said, taking the picture back. I shut my door and I heard them outside.
" Terry, just let go. You're falling apart." Scott said from the other side of the door.
" There's a fine art of falling apart." I said quietly, " Now just leave." I heard their footsteps going away from my door and I looked around and looked down at the picture.
"I'm some of it
You're some of it
We're some of it
I'm certain of it
I walk alone and I
I ride alone and you know
That's all right by me
See baby cause
There ain't enough room in this world
For a great, great many things"
I sit down on the couch and cough as the dust flies up at me. I sigh and put my head back on the cushions. I look up and see the picture of me, Adam, Jay, Scott and Rob in our tuxes. It was my wedding day. I look down at the solid gold ring on my finger. A lot of the guys didn't understand why I still wore it. I still loved her. I always would. She was my only love, the person that I lived my life around. She was the one that helped me accomplish my goal of becoming a professional wrestler. She stuck with me even when I was in Germany, a world away. And just like that she was taken from me. Just because of a drunk. I sit there on the couch and think about all the memories and everything that we used to do together, everything that we used to dream about. She always wanted to get a big house in the country and have two or three kids and have a big dumb sheepdog and some barn cats. She was my dreamer. She gave me a reason to dream too.
I found out that when she was taken from me she was two months pregnant. They said it would have been a little boy. That added another blow that I just couldn't stand. Vince gave me a month or two off. I ended up taking three. I didn't say more than two words at a time. I stayed with Adam, Jason, Scott, Rob or whoever told me that I was coming with them. I didn't argue. I didn't feel like it. I was empty. I had no reason to live anymore. I went to my brother's house once or twice, but everything just seemed so empty.
Everyone said that with time it would all get better, but nothings got better. A whole year later. I just keep wondering what our little boy would be like, and how great of a mother she would have been. It's so fucking unfair that it makes me sick. I've had people tell me just to get over it, I've had people sign me up for therapy, I've had people walk on eggshells around me, but it's still not any better. There's a immense hole inside my chest that won't close. I can't help it. It takes a while to get over the fact that you've lost your everything. There is a fine art to falling apart, and I guess I'm learning the hard way.