Author's Notes: I happen to be in the mood to write an 'insight fic'. Yeah,
one of those fics which study the dark sides of the characters, and man,
you already know who my favorite is.always Duo!
Heero is reflecting about his partner 02, as the American is out for a
mission. When Duo returns, 01 decides to check DeathScythe just as usual
procedure. But what he discovers in the internal records of the cockpit
left him startled. Are these Duo's thoughts during the battles? A new
secret about Duo's past is about to be revealed.
"Musings"
//Heero's POV//
It's frustrating. The way he's always hiding things. In fact, he is frustrating.
He is always complaining about Trowa's silence, Wufei's drastic perceptions or my cold behavior, but Duo is even more difficult to understand than any other person I've ever met.
Or maybe it's me. I was taught to decode, analyze every subject in front of me. I've tried to do that with that noisy American pilot, but no success in that mission. That's what moves my curiosity, the fact that I can't get him. And the fondness that has grown between us, though I wouldn't say that in front of others.
Quatre has told me to take it easy, not to push things too strongly.
"I understand you would like to have all the data, the clues, the answers, Heero, as the soldier you've been trained to be. But that doesn't work on friendship. Don't push Duo too much."
That's what I recall from the neo-arabic's words. But, isn't Duo the one who is always pushing me to 'be more open-up'? Of course he is!!!
"C'mon Heero, wanna play cards? Lets make some interesting bets!"
"C'mon, Heero-man, I bet my jacket you're too scared to sing karaoke!"
"One of these days, soldier, you're gonna fry that poor laptop of yours! Give it a little time off!"
"Geeze, Heero, stop glaring at me like that! You look like one of those grumpy old men!"
"Hey, Heero, which is your favorite food? Game? Color? Song? Tell me!"
Those are just little examples I've memorized from his requests. And the list can go on and on and on.
Always there. Duo's always there for me. The one truly interested in what I type, what I do, what I think, what I like. Even if my answer is a frown, he just never gives up.
No one has ever done that for me. I guess that's why we are so close friends. He wanted it so. Now that I have accepted that he is my 'buddy' (one of his terms for me) he has allowed me to come close to him. Slowly, I've been discovering things about him.
If you watch close enough, you'll see things too. He is not always happy. He is not the fool he plays to be. He is not the careless teen. He is a pretender. Even is he claims he doesn't lie. I know better.
I know about his past, not because he told me about it, but because Quatre and I discovered it when we stayed some time at the Sweeper's ship, and the captain told us about Maxwell Massacre.
But I do know about his pain, his loss, his inner torture. I know about the ghosts and visions that haunt him. I have them too, the vision of the innocent child I killed, but I've discovered that Duo's are much stronger and constant. I suppose it's because he lived through such a tragedy.
**flashback**
Midnight. Darkness all around. I'm not really asleep. We are hidden in a shelter, on the middle of a mission. I flutter my eyes open as I hear a soft, desperate pant beside me. Whispers from a sleeping Duo. I slowly turn my face to see the boy in the other bed.
He's tossing, grapping the blankets, his breathing is heavy and unsteady. I push myself up to catch a glimpse of his face. His features are disturbed.
'Nightmare' - I conclude. I'm about to stand to wake him when he suddenly jerks upright from the bed as he awakes. If he hadn't bit his tongue, I am sure he would have screamed.
He's sweaty, his chestnut bangs are stuck to his face and the t-shirt to his chest. He remains there, sitting of the bed as he tries to catch his breath.
"You ok?" -I ask softly from my bed.
He turns to see me, a scared glance in his eyes. I hear him gulp, seeking for his voice. A second later, he nods and his eyes turn back to normal.
"Yeah, I'm fine" -he smiles and then he yawns as he flops back on bed- "Man I'm tired! And this place is as hot as the dessert!"
"You ok?" -I repeat.
"Sure, Yuy Sir, no problem" -he replies, eyes already closed- "Night"
I go back to bed, but of course, I can't sleep
**end flashback**
That's just one out of many memories I have of his nightmares. Things he hides about himself. And he knows I know about it. He even asked me once not to tell the others about his nigh episodes. Of course I said I wouldn't. It's another secret between us. Between best friends.
I wasn't glad with the idea of having a 'best friend' at the beginning. It was dangerous, my soldier mode told me. But I realized that I desperately needed one, if I was about to save the human in me, instead of becoming a machine. I needed a friend as much as he needed one.
Even if this 'one' was me, Heero Yuy, the cold soldier who was always chasing him away. But Duo has this incredible gift of forgiveness. He is always giving me second chances.
Even when I was so stupid to say that I didn't care about street orphans. What was I thinking!? Even now I bit my tongue at the memory.
In that occasion, he got really angry with me. I give him all the reason, he was right to be mad. Of course he didn't demonstrate it. No. He took the verbal slap and smiled. The mask in place.
However, we all knew he was hurting badly. I gathered my courage and apologized some days later. And when he smiled and say it was ok, I huffed in frustration. I wanted him to be angry, to shout at me, not to pretend he wasn't hurt! I wanted sincerity, and he gave it to me.
It's been the only time he has actually yelled and scolded at me. But one moment later, he was feeling sorry for it.
Damn, I don't get him! Of course he forgave me. I brought myself to be sincere too and told him how much I care for him.
That was like a month ago. Everything's fine now. We almost put an end to that episode. Almost. I haven't forgotten that I asked him something that time, and he hasn't answered me.
I asked him a favor. To be 'real' with me. No lies, no pretensions, no fake smiles. He said he wasn't ready.
I doubted it that time, because I used to think that I was close enough; I used to think I was getting to know him. But know I realize that there are more things I need to understand.
I can tell this by the screen I am watching in these precise moments. I am inside the 02 Gundam's cockpit, and I have found something very.confusing, grim, weird.
Let me explain myself. Duo returned yesterday night from an individual mission he had been assigned to. He had been two weeks away from the shelter-ship, so last night he was clearly exhausted.
Quatre prepared him a room and he was asleep almost instantly. Trowa checked the slumbered and found no wounds. Wufei informed me that the 02 Gundam had been secured in the hangar. Everything was acceptable. Then, I happened to decide that it would be convenient to check DeathScythe's systems in case of another mission.
I supposed Duo wouldn't mind. Besides, I always do that with Wing Zero, so I am familiar to the procedure. I climbed up and started to survey the connections, monitors, controls, keyboard, navigation system, coordinates.then I proceeded to check the computer's main records.
This device is like the black box of a plane. It records the pilot's brain waves and the corporal performance. Though I've been suspecting for a while that it also can read the pilot's mind, like the Zero. And I just found out that my suspects are correct.
I connected the records to the screens and what I discovered struck me. So, here I am, sitting inside the cockpit as the screens plays the scenes. And the scenes picture Duo during his last battle.
His violet eyes are narrowed as he studies the sky and the base he is about to attack. His slender fingers surf the keyboard as he prepares DeathScythe for the fight. He's getting closer.
The angle declines as the suit starts to descend at great speed. I can see the dangerous killer emerging in his eyes.the sound starts to pound in my ears as I hear how the system transforms his thoughts into words. Words in Duo's voice.
I hold my breath as the musings fill the air.
/// This is necessary. This MUST be done. Kill. Kill. Kill Let the blood soak my hands. More blood, more lives, more souls. This is necessary. ///
The amethyst eyes hold an intense, almost wicked glance as his pupils reflect the light of the enemy fire.
/// In order to create a new world, I must tear down the old one. In order to achieve peace, I must destroy and wreck havoc. I was born for this. It's MY duty///
I press my lips as I watch carefully every detail of the tape, noticing how Duo's eyes close for a second, and his thoughts run unforbidden.
///Let Duo dies and Death arises. Let Duo fades and Death appears. I am Shinigami. I have a cruel smile, but I smile anyway ///
When his eyes snap open, there's a cold, metal emotion shining in them. Eyes of a fierce soldier. The lateral screens flash red, warning about the Dolls surrounding him.
/// Explosions, fire, screams, screams. Take off, fly, destroy and smash. All of you aren't guilty, but you'll die. I don't want to kill you, but I will. For I am Death, come with me. ///
I observe intensely as the Aries and Leos fight desperately against him, but a Gundam and all its might it's unstoppable for the. Duo maneuvers, dodges, fires, yields the scythe and his hair billows around him.
/// You are brave and I respect that, but I must perform tonight, and Death, Death, Death that's my role in this play. I am the heart of the black Gundam. Ore wa Shinigami. ///
I can see Duo is breathing heavily as he advances, leaving a track of destruction behind him. The grin crosses his face as he grips the controls once again, his glowing scythe beheading two suits. The base is falling apart among explosions and screams.
/// More souls, more lives I take: My own damnation. I'm cursed. I'm committed to Hell. But let my sacrifice be enough to save the children and the future. For Earth and Colonies. I am dooming my soul to Hell, so let my sacrifice save others. ///
My frown grows intense as I hear his almost pleading voice. The Gundam has halted for a few seconds. I see Duo smiling again as he focuses in the central building. His normal voice cuts the record as he encourages himself aloud.
"Lets go, my pretty DeathScythe! We have to kick some more Oz's asses. We ain't letting them transport those suits, ne? We gotta work!"
That's his normal voice, the one I have heard before when we go on missions together. But the other voice, the one whispering his thoughts, also belongs to him, but it's softer and more intense at the time. Like the voice of a ghostly Duo.
I pay attention at the screen again as I see him making his way among the enemy, his shield protecting him and the huge wings spreading out from the back of the Gundam.
/// I care for them, even if I am a savage psychotic murderer. I have wings, but painted black, black, black, black. All of you are dying, your souls are flying free. More tombs that I carve, more pain that I bring ///
I can't help but to sigh as I continue seeing this whirl of fire and destruction mingled with Duo's thoughts. It's chaos. The unnerving voice starts once again as the angle goes way up high, the Gundam leaping to strike a building.
/// Let your sins rest in my cross, the cross dangling from my neck, pounding on my chest endlessly. I am guilty, I am Shinigami and I open the door to Death. More suits down, one tower destroyed, two carriers made ashes. Here's the new cemetery I've built. I am Death and I smile the hollow smile ///
The scene turns calmer as the seconds go by. There's a cloud of smoke covering the place, pieces of metal and iron everywhere. The base has been demolished. I see Duo panting, panting and panting. He brushes his bangs out of his face, but the locks of hair fall back in place. The voice kicks in.
/// This is My duty, this Is necessary. This Was My duty, this WAS necessary. The dance of Death has been performed and more white crosses had been raised. May you rest in peace, soldiers. And now.let Death sleeps and Duo awakes, let Death vanishes and Duo reappears. I am.Duo. And I must smile. ///
I lean forward from the seat, my attention caught in his features. The boy wearing the priest's garb lowers his face a bit and his eyes seem to become lively and happy as usual. The sparkle of the normal Duo is back. The smile crossing his lips is naughty, but not wicked. He stays in silence for a while and then flips the COM on, to make a quick report.
"This is Duo here! I've destroyed the base and the aircraft. Mission accomplished! Now I just gotta get the Hell out of this mess. See ya later, doc!"
And with that, the scene pictures his take off as he surely inputs the coordinates back to the ship.
I pass my hand through my unruly short hair and finally turn the screen off. For some reason, the cockpit has gotten hotter and I am running out of air. I conclude is my organism the one agitated. I have just witnessed the most confusing and somehow scaring private thoughts of my friend. Another thing he hides about himself.
Is this the way he copes with his battles? Why? Why the obsession? What's the meaning behind all this? I must know. I feel a bit guilty, but I need to understand it. Right away.
I jump out of the cockpit with the firm resolution to face Duo and ask myself. It's maybe harsh and stupid too, but I need to figure this out. I walk around, pacing in the halls while I order my thoughts. Finally, I head towards the room's area. It's mid afternoon by now and I am sure Duo must be around here.
I search all over the area, but he's not in his room or the kitchen. I turn to the principal hall and I hear a faint humming coming from the hangar's corridor, which I left some moments ago. Logic tells me that he's heading towards the suits.
I cross the hall, following the humming. As I keep the pace, I catch a glimpse of the swinging long braid. Target localized. I see the American opening the hangar gates.
"Duo" -I call him aloud.
"Hey, Heero!" -he turns and waves at me- "Nice to see ya, pal! Where have ya been?" -he goes on happily, stepping into the room, walking backwards in order to face me.
"I .I've been checking some things up" -I respond a bit hesitantly.
"Something I can help ya?" -he asks, whirling on his heels, the rope of hair whirling too, not facing me anymore. He turns the lights on all over the place. The 5 suits stay there silently.
"Yes. It's something I require your presence. And I happen to require your participation in this moment" -I reply, my voice a bit distant.
He catches on the tone, and his face turns slightly to see me.
"Something wrong, Heero?" -his voice is serious though his smile remains.
"I don't know" -I answer as I stop behind him and prepare myself to go on- "I've been checking DeathScythe's systems"
His glance is puzzled by now.
"So, it's something wrong with DeathScythe?" -he guesses.
"No. The systems are in perfect conditions. In fact, the testing was going so well that I also checked the internal records of your cockpit"
This time he fully turns to see me.
"Well, Heero, I thought we all respected each other's suit" -he says, one eyebrow quirked in question- "It's not like I am going to be upset by it, but you better tell me next time, k?"
I nod, but remain in my position. Duo clearly notices there's something else, so I continue.
"I found something very unusual in your records. That's what I want to talk about" -and I flip one switch, closing the gates of the room- "It's something personal" -I explain my move.
"Aha" -he nods, very confused- "Mine, I suppose"
"Yes. I suspected that the version of the Zero system programmed in the cockpits does an intense lecture inside the pilot's brain patterns. The system is able to read the pilot's thoughts and make them audible in the records."
"Wait a sec" -Duo halts me- "Are you saying you suspected it and anyway checked my records? My thoughts in other words? Isn't that a bit.rude, impolite, wrong?" -he says with a hint of reproof tone.
"Yes" -I answer after a pause- "I admit it was a completely inappropriate action, but what concerns me is what I found in your thoughts, Duo. They are the most strange thing I've ever heard from you" -I say, my face serious and calm, though I don't really feel so calm.
"That is private" -he says frowning- "You're not suppose to go and."
"I'm concerned about it. They are confusing. They are grim. It's like a different part of you, a dark side I hadn't." -I try to explain, but Duo starts to walk away.
"You shouldn't be surprised, Heero" -he says- "You should know by now that I'm crazy. I mean, I am a soldier, not an innocent kid. I have no innocence since war started. My thoughts must be 'dark' if I am going to accomplish my tasks and."
"This is necessary. This must be done. Let the blood soak my hands. This is my duty. Let Duo dies and Death arises. I am Shinigami" -I quote his own words, interrupting him.
He slowly turns to see me, his eyes wide in surprise.
"What did you say?" -he asks.
"I don't want to kill you, but I will. I am Death, come with me. More souls and lives I take, my own damnation" -I add more lines, feeling an inward shiver at the words.
"How do you.I've never said that aloud." -he stutters.
"I already told you. I heard your thoughts, Duo. And this is what I found: You constantly claiming to be Death, constantly claiming souls, constantly saying you are a natural killer doomed to Hell." -I make a pause to give him time to understand what I mean.
He just stares at me, stunned. Some seconds later he breathes again and looks away, as his arms come around his midsection in a gesture of self- protection. He says nothing though. I take this as my cue to go on.
"The musings go on that pattern, mentioning your cross, tombs, fire, your hollow smile" -I give a step forward- "That's why I needed to talk to you immediately. You're taking a wrong, dangerous way to cope with your battles, Duo"
"I have my reasons, Heero" -he says in soft voice, still a bit perplexed.
"What reasons, Duo? What reasons can lead you to imagine you open the door to Death? What reasons tell you that you were born to kill? How can you really believe you are Shinigami and that you must smile despite any situation?" -I demand rather harshly.
"You wouldn't understand" -he answers, lifting his glance to meet mine, and I gasp at his expression. He is smiling.
Then he begins to walk towards his beloved Gundam and I brace myself and follow him.
"Why? Why I wouldn't understand? If you explain me, I could figure it out. I am the one who knows more about you, Duo. You know I've never pressed you to open up as you have done with me, but.but now I am doing it. I've given you answers and trusted you and showed you that I damn care, so why won't you trust in me for once?" - I say bitterly.
By now, I realize I am acting on emotions, something alien for me, something I've learned from Duo and therefore, something I only show in front of him. He stops in his way and looks at me. I can see he is mentally struggling into talk or not.
"Why is that you don't believe me?" -he suddenly asks, glancing his suit and then at me.
"Huh?"
"Why don't you believe that I am Shinigami?" -he asks this time, hands on his hips- "I've taken hundreds of lives."
"So have I. So has Quatre, and Trowa, and Wufei, the soldiers, rebels, Oz, etc. That makes us Shinigami too" -I reply.
"No" -he answers right back- "It's not like that. That makes you Death's instruments, not Shinigami"
"In that case, you aren't Shinigami either" - I say softly- "The killing we do is not because we choose it so, but because we have been trained to do so. It's to save others. I have never realized how much it affects you, so I won't call you Shinigami again because."
"Even if you don't call me like that, I will continue being Shinigami"- he interrupts- "You kill because you've been trained so, but I've always been Death"
I frown, deeply concerned. It's so difficult to understand him.
"Why, Duo? Why don't you drop it? Drop the name, because it's not true. It's a lie. You're lying to yourself"
"It's not a lie. I don't lie" -he bites back- "I've been Shinigami before I was a pilot, before I was taken in for training."
I understand it all of a sudden. It makes click. He's referring to his past. His eternal ghost.
"Duo, no. It's not like that" -I say softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. I search for the hidden words of kindness to help him- "It wasn't your fault. The destruction of the Maxwell Church was not your fault. You didn't kill them, you tried so hard to save them."
"I've been Shinigami even before the Massacre" -he says almost in a whisper, his face downcast.
I look at him confused. Before the massacre? What does that mean? I try to make a connection, but I realize I don't know about his life with Solo and the other kids.
He moves away, climbing up to the platform in front of his suit. He stands there for a while, and the he sits down, his fixed in the black giant. I follow him some seconds later and take a seat beside him.
"Are you going to tell me about it?" - I ask.
He looks at me and smiles a rare smile I can't decipher. I only know it's desolated.
"It's not a nice-fun story" -he replies, tilting his face a bit.
"Please, tell me" - I nod, indicating he can go on.
He suppresses a sigh and stares at the front.
"Once upon a time" -he starts .
To Be Continued.
***Shinigami's Voice***
A/N: How many times have I written the word 'Shinigami' in this fic? Hundreds, I think. Well, please prettiest people in the whole world, leave me a comment. R&R, please. This story is about to end, last chapter ahead: another part of Duo's past is going to be related to Heero, so if you give me reviews, I'll post faster.I can promise angst for the 2nd chapter. See ya soon.
"Musings"
//Heero's POV//
It's frustrating. The way he's always hiding things. In fact, he is frustrating.
He is always complaining about Trowa's silence, Wufei's drastic perceptions or my cold behavior, but Duo is even more difficult to understand than any other person I've ever met.
Or maybe it's me. I was taught to decode, analyze every subject in front of me. I've tried to do that with that noisy American pilot, but no success in that mission. That's what moves my curiosity, the fact that I can't get him. And the fondness that has grown between us, though I wouldn't say that in front of others.
Quatre has told me to take it easy, not to push things too strongly.
"I understand you would like to have all the data, the clues, the answers, Heero, as the soldier you've been trained to be. But that doesn't work on friendship. Don't push Duo too much."
That's what I recall from the neo-arabic's words. But, isn't Duo the one who is always pushing me to 'be more open-up'? Of course he is!!!
"C'mon Heero, wanna play cards? Lets make some interesting bets!"
"C'mon, Heero-man, I bet my jacket you're too scared to sing karaoke!"
"One of these days, soldier, you're gonna fry that poor laptop of yours! Give it a little time off!"
"Geeze, Heero, stop glaring at me like that! You look like one of those grumpy old men!"
"Hey, Heero, which is your favorite food? Game? Color? Song? Tell me!"
Those are just little examples I've memorized from his requests. And the list can go on and on and on.
Always there. Duo's always there for me. The one truly interested in what I type, what I do, what I think, what I like. Even if my answer is a frown, he just never gives up.
No one has ever done that for me. I guess that's why we are so close friends. He wanted it so. Now that I have accepted that he is my 'buddy' (one of his terms for me) he has allowed me to come close to him. Slowly, I've been discovering things about him.
If you watch close enough, you'll see things too. He is not always happy. He is not the fool he plays to be. He is not the careless teen. He is a pretender. Even is he claims he doesn't lie. I know better.
I know about his past, not because he told me about it, but because Quatre and I discovered it when we stayed some time at the Sweeper's ship, and the captain told us about Maxwell Massacre.
But I do know about his pain, his loss, his inner torture. I know about the ghosts and visions that haunt him. I have them too, the vision of the innocent child I killed, but I've discovered that Duo's are much stronger and constant. I suppose it's because he lived through such a tragedy.
**flashback**
Midnight. Darkness all around. I'm not really asleep. We are hidden in a shelter, on the middle of a mission. I flutter my eyes open as I hear a soft, desperate pant beside me. Whispers from a sleeping Duo. I slowly turn my face to see the boy in the other bed.
He's tossing, grapping the blankets, his breathing is heavy and unsteady. I push myself up to catch a glimpse of his face. His features are disturbed.
'Nightmare' - I conclude. I'm about to stand to wake him when he suddenly jerks upright from the bed as he awakes. If he hadn't bit his tongue, I am sure he would have screamed.
He's sweaty, his chestnut bangs are stuck to his face and the t-shirt to his chest. He remains there, sitting of the bed as he tries to catch his breath.
"You ok?" -I ask softly from my bed.
He turns to see me, a scared glance in his eyes. I hear him gulp, seeking for his voice. A second later, he nods and his eyes turn back to normal.
"Yeah, I'm fine" -he smiles and then he yawns as he flops back on bed- "Man I'm tired! And this place is as hot as the dessert!"
"You ok?" -I repeat.
"Sure, Yuy Sir, no problem" -he replies, eyes already closed- "Night"
I go back to bed, but of course, I can't sleep
**end flashback**
That's just one out of many memories I have of his nightmares. Things he hides about himself. And he knows I know about it. He even asked me once not to tell the others about his nigh episodes. Of course I said I wouldn't. It's another secret between us. Between best friends.
I wasn't glad with the idea of having a 'best friend' at the beginning. It was dangerous, my soldier mode told me. But I realized that I desperately needed one, if I was about to save the human in me, instead of becoming a machine. I needed a friend as much as he needed one.
Even if this 'one' was me, Heero Yuy, the cold soldier who was always chasing him away. But Duo has this incredible gift of forgiveness. He is always giving me second chances.
Even when I was so stupid to say that I didn't care about street orphans. What was I thinking!? Even now I bit my tongue at the memory.
In that occasion, he got really angry with me. I give him all the reason, he was right to be mad. Of course he didn't demonstrate it. No. He took the verbal slap and smiled. The mask in place.
However, we all knew he was hurting badly. I gathered my courage and apologized some days later. And when he smiled and say it was ok, I huffed in frustration. I wanted him to be angry, to shout at me, not to pretend he wasn't hurt! I wanted sincerity, and he gave it to me.
It's been the only time he has actually yelled and scolded at me. But one moment later, he was feeling sorry for it.
Damn, I don't get him! Of course he forgave me. I brought myself to be sincere too and told him how much I care for him.
That was like a month ago. Everything's fine now. We almost put an end to that episode. Almost. I haven't forgotten that I asked him something that time, and he hasn't answered me.
I asked him a favor. To be 'real' with me. No lies, no pretensions, no fake smiles. He said he wasn't ready.
I doubted it that time, because I used to think that I was close enough; I used to think I was getting to know him. But know I realize that there are more things I need to understand.
I can tell this by the screen I am watching in these precise moments. I am inside the 02 Gundam's cockpit, and I have found something very.confusing, grim, weird.
Let me explain myself. Duo returned yesterday night from an individual mission he had been assigned to. He had been two weeks away from the shelter-ship, so last night he was clearly exhausted.
Quatre prepared him a room and he was asleep almost instantly. Trowa checked the slumbered and found no wounds. Wufei informed me that the 02 Gundam had been secured in the hangar. Everything was acceptable. Then, I happened to decide that it would be convenient to check DeathScythe's systems in case of another mission.
I supposed Duo wouldn't mind. Besides, I always do that with Wing Zero, so I am familiar to the procedure. I climbed up and started to survey the connections, monitors, controls, keyboard, navigation system, coordinates.then I proceeded to check the computer's main records.
This device is like the black box of a plane. It records the pilot's brain waves and the corporal performance. Though I've been suspecting for a while that it also can read the pilot's mind, like the Zero. And I just found out that my suspects are correct.
I connected the records to the screens and what I discovered struck me. So, here I am, sitting inside the cockpit as the screens plays the scenes. And the scenes picture Duo during his last battle.
His violet eyes are narrowed as he studies the sky and the base he is about to attack. His slender fingers surf the keyboard as he prepares DeathScythe for the fight. He's getting closer.
The angle declines as the suit starts to descend at great speed. I can see the dangerous killer emerging in his eyes.the sound starts to pound in my ears as I hear how the system transforms his thoughts into words. Words in Duo's voice.
I hold my breath as the musings fill the air.
/// This is necessary. This MUST be done. Kill. Kill. Kill Let the blood soak my hands. More blood, more lives, more souls. This is necessary. ///
The amethyst eyes hold an intense, almost wicked glance as his pupils reflect the light of the enemy fire.
/// In order to create a new world, I must tear down the old one. In order to achieve peace, I must destroy and wreck havoc. I was born for this. It's MY duty///
I press my lips as I watch carefully every detail of the tape, noticing how Duo's eyes close for a second, and his thoughts run unforbidden.
///Let Duo dies and Death arises. Let Duo fades and Death appears. I am Shinigami. I have a cruel smile, but I smile anyway ///
When his eyes snap open, there's a cold, metal emotion shining in them. Eyes of a fierce soldier. The lateral screens flash red, warning about the Dolls surrounding him.
/// Explosions, fire, screams, screams. Take off, fly, destroy and smash. All of you aren't guilty, but you'll die. I don't want to kill you, but I will. For I am Death, come with me. ///
I observe intensely as the Aries and Leos fight desperately against him, but a Gundam and all its might it's unstoppable for the. Duo maneuvers, dodges, fires, yields the scythe and his hair billows around him.
/// You are brave and I respect that, but I must perform tonight, and Death, Death, Death that's my role in this play. I am the heart of the black Gundam. Ore wa Shinigami. ///
I can see Duo is breathing heavily as he advances, leaving a track of destruction behind him. The grin crosses his face as he grips the controls once again, his glowing scythe beheading two suits. The base is falling apart among explosions and screams.
/// More souls, more lives I take: My own damnation. I'm cursed. I'm committed to Hell. But let my sacrifice be enough to save the children and the future. For Earth and Colonies. I am dooming my soul to Hell, so let my sacrifice save others. ///
My frown grows intense as I hear his almost pleading voice. The Gundam has halted for a few seconds. I see Duo smiling again as he focuses in the central building. His normal voice cuts the record as he encourages himself aloud.
"Lets go, my pretty DeathScythe! We have to kick some more Oz's asses. We ain't letting them transport those suits, ne? We gotta work!"
That's his normal voice, the one I have heard before when we go on missions together. But the other voice, the one whispering his thoughts, also belongs to him, but it's softer and more intense at the time. Like the voice of a ghostly Duo.
I pay attention at the screen again as I see him making his way among the enemy, his shield protecting him and the huge wings spreading out from the back of the Gundam.
/// I care for them, even if I am a savage psychotic murderer. I have wings, but painted black, black, black, black. All of you are dying, your souls are flying free. More tombs that I carve, more pain that I bring ///
I can't help but to sigh as I continue seeing this whirl of fire and destruction mingled with Duo's thoughts. It's chaos. The unnerving voice starts once again as the angle goes way up high, the Gundam leaping to strike a building.
/// Let your sins rest in my cross, the cross dangling from my neck, pounding on my chest endlessly. I am guilty, I am Shinigami and I open the door to Death. More suits down, one tower destroyed, two carriers made ashes. Here's the new cemetery I've built. I am Death and I smile the hollow smile ///
The scene turns calmer as the seconds go by. There's a cloud of smoke covering the place, pieces of metal and iron everywhere. The base has been demolished. I see Duo panting, panting and panting. He brushes his bangs out of his face, but the locks of hair fall back in place. The voice kicks in.
/// This is My duty, this Is necessary. This Was My duty, this WAS necessary. The dance of Death has been performed and more white crosses had been raised. May you rest in peace, soldiers. And now.let Death sleeps and Duo awakes, let Death vanishes and Duo reappears. I am.Duo. And I must smile. ///
I lean forward from the seat, my attention caught in his features. The boy wearing the priest's garb lowers his face a bit and his eyes seem to become lively and happy as usual. The sparkle of the normal Duo is back. The smile crossing his lips is naughty, but not wicked. He stays in silence for a while and then flips the COM on, to make a quick report.
"This is Duo here! I've destroyed the base and the aircraft. Mission accomplished! Now I just gotta get the Hell out of this mess. See ya later, doc!"
And with that, the scene pictures his take off as he surely inputs the coordinates back to the ship.
I pass my hand through my unruly short hair and finally turn the screen off. For some reason, the cockpit has gotten hotter and I am running out of air. I conclude is my organism the one agitated. I have just witnessed the most confusing and somehow scaring private thoughts of my friend. Another thing he hides about himself.
Is this the way he copes with his battles? Why? Why the obsession? What's the meaning behind all this? I must know. I feel a bit guilty, but I need to understand it. Right away.
I jump out of the cockpit with the firm resolution to face Duo and ask myself. It's maybe harsh and stupid too, but I need to figure this out. I walk around, pacing in the halls while I order my thoughts. Finally, I head towards the room's area. It's mid afternoon by now and I am sure Duo must be around here.
I search all over the area, but he's not in his room or the kitchen. I turn to the principal hall and I hear a faint humming coming from the hangar's corridor, which I left some moments ago. Logic tells me that he's heading towards the suits.
I cross the hall, following the humming. As I keep the pace, I catch a glimpse of the swinging long braid. Target localized. I see the American opening the hangar gates.
"Duo" -I call him aloud.
"Hey, Heero!" -he turns and waves at me- "Nice to see ya, pal! Where have ya been?" -he goes on happily, stepping into the room, walking backwards in order to face me.
"I .I've been checking some things up" -I respond a bit hesitantly.
"Something I can help ya?" -he asks, whirling on his heels, the rope of hair whirling too, not facing me anymore. He turns the lights on all over the place. The 5 suits stay there silently.
"Yes. It's something I require your presence. And I happen to require your participation in this moment" -I reply, my voice a bit distant.
He catches on the tone, and his face turns slightly to see me.
"Something wrong, Heero?" -his voice is serious though his smile remains.
"I don't know" -I answer as I stop behind him and prepare myself to go on- "I've been checking DeathScythe's systems"
His glance is puzzled by now.
"So, it's something wrong with DeathScythe?" -he guesses.
"No. The systems are in perfect conditions. In fact, the testing was going so well that I also checked the internal records of your cockpit"
This time he fully turns to see me.
"Well, Heero, I thought we all respected each other's suit" -he says, one eyebrow quirked in question- "It's not like I am going to be upset by it, but you better tell me next time, k?"
I nod, but remain in my position. Duo clearly notices there's something else, so I continue.
"I found something very unusual in your records. That's what I want to talk about" -and I flip one switch, closing the gates of the room- "It's something personal" -I explain my move.
"Aha" -he nods, very confused- "Mine, I suppose"
"Yes. I suspected that the version of the Zero system programmed in the cockpits does an intense lecture inside the pilot's brain patterns. The system is able to read the pilot's thoughts and make them audible in the records."
"Wait a sec" -Duo halts me- "Are you saying you suspected it and anyway checked my records? My thoughts in other words? Isn't that a bit.rude, impolite, wrong?" -he says with a hint of reproof tone.
"Yes" -I answer after a pause- "I admit it was a completely inappropriate action, but what concerns me is what I found in your thoughts, Duo. They are the most strange thing I've ever heard from you" -I say, my face serious and calm, though I don't really feel so calm.
"That is private" -he says frowning- "You're not suppose to go and."
"I'm concerned about it. They are confusing. They are grim. It's like a different part of you, a dark side I hadn't." -I try to explain, but Duo starts to walk away.
"You shouldn't be surprised, Heero" -he says- "You should know by now that I'm crazy. I mean, I am a soldier, not an innocent kid. I have no innocence since war started. My thoughts must be 'dark' if I am going to accomplish my tasks and."
"This is necessary. This must be done. Let the blood soak my hands. This is my duty. Let Duo dies and Death arises. I am Shinigami" -I quote his own words, interrupting him.
He slowly turns to see me, his eyes wide in surprise.
"What did you say?" -he asks.
"I don't want to kill you, but I will. I am Death, come with me. More souls and lives I take, my own damnation" -I add more lines, feeling an inward shiver at the words.
"How do you.I've never said that aloud." -he stutters.
"I already told you. I heard your thoughts, Duo. And this is what I found: You constantly claiming to be Death, constantly claiming souls, constantly saying you are a natural killer doomed to Hell." -I make a pause to give him time to understand what I mean.
He just stares at me, stunned. Some seconds later he breathes again and looks away, as his arms come around his midsection in a gesture of self- protection. He says nothing though. I take this as my cue to go on.
"The musings go on that pattern, mentioning your cross, tombs, fire, your hollow smile" -I give a step forward- "That's why I needed to talk to you immediately. You're taking a wrong, dangerous way to cope with your battles, Duo"
"I have my reasons, Heero" -he says in soft voice, still a bit perplexed.
"What reasons, Duo? What reasons can lead you to imagine you open the door to Death? What reasons tell you that you were born to kill? How can you really believe you are Shinigami and that you must smile despite any situation?" -I demand rather harshly.
"You wouldn't understand" -he answers, lifting his glance to meet mine, and I gasp at his expression. He is smiling.
Then he begins to walk towards his beloved Gundam and I brace myself and follow him.
"Why? Why I wouldn't understand? If you explain me, I could figure it out. I am the one who knows more about you, Duo. You know I've never pressed you to open up as you have done with me, but.but now I am doing it. I've given you answers and trusted you and showed you that I damn care, so why won't you trust in me for once?" - I say bitterly.
By now, I realize I am acting on emotions, something alien for me, something I've learned from Duo and therefore, something I only show in front of him. He stops in his way and looks at me. I can see he is mentally struggling into talk or not.
"Why is that you don't believe me?" -he suddenly asks, glancing his suit and then at me.
"Huh?"
"Why don't you believe that I am Shinigami?" -he asks this time, hands on his hips- "I've taken hundreds of lives."
"So have I. So has Quatre, and Trowa, and Wufei, the soldiers, rebels, Oz, etc. That makes us Shinigami too" -I reply.
"No" -he answers right back- "It's not like that. That makes you Death's instruments, not Shinigami"
"In that case, you aren't Shinigami either" - I say softly- "The killing we do is not because we choose it so, but because we have been trained to do so. It's to save others. I have never realized how much it affects you, so I won't call you Shinigami again because."
"Even if you don't call me like that, I will continue being Shinigami"- he interrupts- "You kill because you've been trained so, but I've always been Death"
I frown, deeply concerned. It's so difficult to understand him.
"Why, Duo? Why don't you drop it? Drop the name, because it's not true. It's a lie. You're lying to yourself"
"It's not a lie. I don't lie" -he bites back- "I've been Shinigami before I was a pilot, before I was taken in for training."
I understand it all of a sudden. It makes click. He's referring to his past. His eternal ghost.
"Duo, no. It's not like that" -I say softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. I search for the hidden words of kindness to help him- "It wasn't your fault. The destruction of the Maxwell Church was not your fault. You didn't kill them, you tried so hard to save them."
"I've been Shinigami even before the Massacre" -he says almost in a whisper, his face downcast.
I look at him confused. Before the massacre? What does that mean? I try to make a connection, but I realize I don't know about his life with Solo and the other kids.
He moves away, climbing up to the platform in front of his suit. He stands there for a while, and the he sits down, his fixed in the black giant. I follow him some seconds later and take a seat beside him.
"Are you going to tell me about it?" - I ask.
He looks at me and smiles a rare smile I can't decipher. I only know it's desolated.
"It's not a nice-fun story" -he replies, tilting his face a bit.
"Please, tell me" - I nod, indicating he can go on.
He suppresses a sigh and stares at the front.
"Once upon a time" -he starts .
To Be Continued.
***Shinigami's Voice***
A/N: How many times have I written the word 'Shinigami' in this fic? Hundreds, I think. Well, please prettiest people in the whole world, leave me a comment. R&R, please. This story is about to end, last chapter ahead: another part of Duo's past is going to be related to Heero, so if you give me reviews, I'll post faster.I can promise angst for the 2nd chapter. See ya soon.