Shadows of the Obsessive Compulsive Empire
Obsessive Compulsive Star Wars Episode 8
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, and I doubt I ever will...
Note: Sorry it has taken so long to write this-I am such a slacker! Also, if you haven't read the book Shadows of the Empire by Steve Perry, this story will make NO sense to you. And Shadows of the Empire ROCKS so much, so if you haven't, read it!
"How come Papa Bear was named Papa Bear?" Luke asked Leia, "Its not like Papa's parents knew he was going to be a father before hand. And what about Brother and Sister? Why would they have named him Brother, when he wasn't a brother yet? He is older than Sister, right? Anyways, I just don't understand it." Leia didn't respond to any of Luke insane ramblings about the Bernstein Bears. Instead, she was seeing how many marshmallows she could get to fit into her mouth. She was up to 3 packages, a personal best for her. "What would Brother or Sisters kids be called?" Luke asked, "Granddaughter, or Grandson?" Leia tried to yell at Luke to shut up, but ended up spitting her marshmallows all over Luke. After the initial shock of what she did, she finally managed to scream, "SHUT UP!" Luke, whipping marshmellowy stuff off his face, stared at Leia, replying, "Your life would be so much happier of you were a Bernstein Bear."
Prince Xixor paced across his ship. Wearing his Rainbow Brite costume, he was waiting for his droid lackey Guri to take him to the annual Rainbow Brite Convention for Underground Organized Crime Kingpins. According to rumors, this year would have the biggest turn out. The entire Black Sun Criminal Organization (Of which Xixor was pretty much president of) stated that they were going to attend. Of course, Xixor kinda made it mandatory for all his "employees" to attend...again.
"Uh Oh!" The television blared, as Chewbacca watched his favorite TV show, dressed in an inflatable Teletubbie outfit. This week he was Laa Laa. His stare fixed to the TV, he didn't notice Luke enter, Bernstein Bear books in hand. With no consideration of Chewbacca, who was busy watching the Teletubbies, Luke started to read his book, out loud. "But Mama," Luke replied, using a falsetto voice, since he was speaking Sister's lines, "But Liz Bruin and Queenie (Its really sad that I know some of these names) will be there! It'll be a great party!" Changing to a deeper, but still falsetto, Luke continued, "I dunno Sister." It was at this point that Chewbacca kinda snarled at Luke to shut-up, and added some rather profane phrases, as well. Bitter by Chewbacca's demeaning comments about the Bernstein Bears, Luke replied, diverting his attention to the TV, "Tinky Winky is so gay."
"Snarfulpopper!" exclaimed Darth Vader, as he took his 13th cake out of the oven. "Well," he replied, "Unlucky 13-Just had to burn and catch on fire, destroying the oven, and roasting the walls of the kitchen. Just great. Now what am I gonna use to cook all my cakes?" It was then that Boba Fett entered, having smelled the smoke. Before Vader could ask for assistance in cleaning the kitchen, Boba Fett commented, "What you need is a water Pokemon. Since you are just a beginner Pokemon Trainer, I suggest Squirtle." Vader looked at Boba Fett, then finally yelled, "I NEED TO BAKE MORE CAKES!" Not flinching what so ever at Vader's outburst Boba Fett responded, "Oh! You need Charmander-he is a fire Pokemon!"
"Fire hundred, twenty two thousand six hundred and three!" Leia screamed, as she unloaded her last package of marshmallows from her shopping bag. They were on sale.
"Rainbow Brite!" shrieked Xixor as he saw the newest line if toys at the Rainbow Brite convention, "Aren't these great?" His minions, not quite as excited as their leader, nodded, and then looked at their watches. Only 75.89 hours left. "Oh look!" Xixor shouted again, "Rainbow Brite lawn ornaments. These would look great outside our hidden base!" Grabbing several handfuls of the decorations, Xixor paid for them, and continued on, literally dragging his entourage with him. Only 75.77 hours left...
Chewbacca's attention was fixed to the television. There was a 17-hour PBS special on the making of the Teletubbies. Chewbacca wanted to hear the interviews with the actual Teletubbies. He was so excited. With marshmallows in hand, Leia entered, replying, "You know Teletubbies are fake, right?" Chewbacca slowly turned his gaze towards Leia, who in response, backed off. Chewbacca probably would have attacked Leia if he wasn't deathly allergic to marshmallows.
Boba Fett was at the local Wizards of the Coast, staring as the newest line of Pokemon cards was being unloaded by Wizards Of The Coast employees. Then he started grabbing them faster than they were unpacked. Finally, when he had all of them, made his way to the cash register. That is when the psycho 10 year old tripped Boba Fett, who landed on his butt, dropping the majority of his cards. Quickly, all the others who were waiting patiently for all the cards to be unpacked, grabbed at the fallen cards, screaming profanities, and in many cases, resorting to the violence. Poor Boba Fett was in the very center of this fiasco, but was unable to keep a single pack of cards in his hands. The fanatic little kids got them all. Boba Fett, hunched over in despair, began to sob.
"I love these books!" screamed Luke at the breakfast table one morning. Leia, not being a morning person, did not share Luke's excitement over the Bernstein Beards books. Ignoring Leia's facial expression, Luke continued, "They are brilliant. The authors have a gift for story telling. The dialogues are so awesome. I almost feel like I am actually there. See," he lifted up one of his books, "Just look how great these pictures are. They look so real." It was at this point, Leia picked up all of Luke's books, and subsequently throw them out in space. "NO!" screamed Luke, falling to his knees, "The humanity!"
"I love baking cakes!" exclaimed Darth Vader, even though he was alone. Taking another cake out of the newly purchased oven to replace the one he toasted earlier, Vader delicately carried his cherry chip cake to the table...where 37,564 other cakes were located. Unfortunately, while Vader loved baking cakes, he didn't exactly love eating them. After preparing another batch of batter for the oven, Darth Vader left to check Betty Crocker's website. Apparently, they were selling oven mitts in the shape of blasters online for 35% off.
Chewbacca stared at the TV screen. The TV had to wrong. The Teletubbies weren't fake. They were lying. He was so confused. Awed by this recent "Rumor" Chewbacca left the TV room. That is when he heard an explosion, and Leia scream. Running to the kitchen, he found Leia sprawled on the floor, the kitchen covered in marshmallow goo. Herself covered in it as well, arose from the ground, and simply said, "Never microwave 354,657,765 marshmallows at the same time."
The Rainbow Brite convention was over...finally. As Xixor, and his lackeys left they ran into Boba Fett. "The Pokemon convention starts next Thursday," Boba Fett replied, "I want to be first in line, so I can get all the Pokemon cards!" then his expression turned to distaste, "Before all those stupid little kids get in."
"Hey!" Luke replied, "They sell Bernstein Bear books online!"
The End
Obsessive Compulsive Star Wars Episode 8
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, and I doubt I ever will...
Note: Sorry it has taken so long to write this-I am such a slacker! Also, if you haven't read the book Shadows of the Empire by Steve Perry, this story will make NO sense to you. And Shadows of the Empire ROCKS so much, so if you haven't, read it!
"How come Papa Bear was named Papa Bear?" Luke asked Leia, "Its not like Papa's parents knew he was going to be a father before hand. And what about Brother and Sister? Why would they have named him Brother, when he wasn't a brother yet? He is older than Sister, right? Anyways, I just don't understand it." Leia didn't respond to any of Luke insane ramblings about the Bernstein Bears. Instead, she was seeing how many marshmallows she could get to fit into her mouth. She was up to 3 packages, a personal best for her. "What would Brother or Sisters kids be called?" Luke asked, "Granddaughter, or Grandson?" Leia tried to yell at Luke to shut up, but ended up spitting her marshmallows all over Luke. After the initial shock of what she did, she finally managed to scream, "SHUT UP!" Luke, whipping marshmellowy stuff off his face, stared at Leia, replying, "Your life would be so much happier of you were a Bernstein Bear."
Prince Xixor paced across his ship. Wearing his Rainbow Brite costume, he was waiting for his droid lackey Guri to take him to the annual Rainbow Brite Convention for Underground Organized Crime Kingpins. According to rumors, this year would have the biggest turn out. The entire Black Sun Criminal Organization (Of which Xixor was pretty much president of) stated that they were going to attend. Of course, Xixor kinda made it mandatory for all his "employees" to attend...again.
"Uh Oh!" The television blared, as Chewbacca watched his favorite TV show, dressed in an inflatable Teletubbie outfit. This week he was Laa Laa. His stare fixed to the TV, he didn't notice Luke enter, Bernstein Bear books in hand. With no consideration of Chewbacca, who was busy watching the Teletubbies, Luke started to read his book, out loud. "But Mama," Luke replied, using a falsetto voice, since he was speaking Sister's lines, "But Liz Bruin and Queenie (Its really sad that I know some of these names) will be there! It'll be a great party!" Changing to a deeper, but still falsetto, Luke continued, "I dunno Sister." It was at this point that Chewbacca kinda snarled at Luke to shut-up, and added some rather profane phrases, as well. Bitter by Chewbacca's demeaning comments about the Bernstein Bears, Luke replied, diverting his attention to the TV, "Tinky Winky is so gay."
"Snarfulpopper!" exclaimed Darth Vader, as he took his 13th cake out of the oven. "Well," he replied, "Unlucky 13-Just had to burn and catch on fire, destroying the oven, and roasting the walls of the kitchen. Just great. Now what am I gonna use to cook all my cakes?" It was then that Boba Fett entered, having smelled the smoke. Before Vader could ask for assistance in cleaning the kitchen, Boba Fett commented, "What you need is a water Pokemon. Since you are just a beginner Pokemon Trainer, I suggest Squirtle." Vader looked at Boba Fett, then finally yelled, "I NEED TO BAKE MORE CAKES!" Not flinching what so ever at Vader's outburst Boba Fett responded, "Oh! You need Charmander-he is a fire Pokemon!"
"Fire hundred, twenty two thousand six hundred and three!" Leia screamed, as she unloaded her last package of marshmallows from her shopping bag. They were on sale.
"Rainbow Brite!" shrieked Xixor as he saw the newest line if toys at the Rainbow Brite convention, "Aren't these great?" His minions, not quite as excited as their leader, nodded, and then looked at their watches. Only 75.89 hours left. "Oh look!" Xixor shouted again, "Rainbow Brite lawn ornaments. These would look great outside our hidden base!" Grabbing several handfuls of the decorations, Xixor paid for them, and continued on, literally dragging his entourage with him. Only 75.77 hours left...
Chewbacca's attention was fixed to the television. There was a 17-hour PBS special on the making of the Teletubbies. Chewbacca wanted to hear the interviews with the actual Teletubbies. He was so excited. With marshmallows in hand, Leia entered, replying, "You know Teletubbies are fake, right?" Chewbacca slowly turned his gaze towards Leia, who in response, backed off. Chewbacca probably would have attacked Leia if he wasn't deathly allergic to marshmallows.
Boba Fett was at the local Wizards of the Coast, staring as the newest line of Pokemon cards was being unloaded by Wizards Of The Coast employees. Then he started grabbing them faster than they were unpacked. Finally, when he had all of them, made his way to the cash register. That is when the psycho 10 year old tripped Boba Fett, who landed on his butt, dropping the majority of his cards. Quickly, all the others who were waiting patiently for all the cards to be unpacked, grabbed at the fallen cards, screaming profanities, and in many cases, resorting to the violence. Poor Boba Fett was in the very center of this fiasco, but was unable to keep a single pack of cards in his hands. The fanatic little kids got them all. Boba Fett, hunched over in despair, began to sob.
"I love these books!" screamed Luke at the breakfast table one morning. Leia, not being a morning person, did not share Luke's excitement over the Bernstein Beards books. Ignoring Leia's facial expression, Luke continued, "They are brilliant. The authors have a gift for story telling. The dialogues are so awesome. I almost feel like I am actually there. See," he lifted up one of his books, "Just look how great these pictures are. They look so real." It was at this point, Leia picked up all of Luke's books, and subsequently throw them out in space. "NO!" screamed Luke, falling to his knees, "The humanity!"
"I love baking cakes!" exclaimed Darth Vader, even though he was alone. Taking another cake out of the newly purchased oven to replace the one he toasted earlier, Vader delicately carried his cherry chip cake to the table...where 37,564 other cakes were located. Unfortunately, while Vader loved baking cakes, he didn't exactly love eating them. After preparing another batch of batter for the oven, Darth Vader left to check Betty Crocker's website. Apparently, they were selling oven mitts in the shape of blasters online for 35% off.
Chewbacca stared at the TV screen. The TV had to wrong. The Teletubbies weren't fake. They were lying. He was so confused. Awed by this recent "Rumor" Chewbacca left the TV room. That is when he heard an explosion, and Leia scream. Running to the kitchen, he found Leia sprawled on the floor, the kitchen covered in marshmallow goo. Herself covered in it as well, arose from the ground, and simply said, "Never microwave 354,657,765 marshmallows at the same time."
The Rainbow Brite convention was over...finally. As Xixor, and his lackeys left they ran into Boba Fett. "The Pokemon convention starts next Thursday," Boba Fett replied, "I want to be first in line, so I can get all the Pokemon cards!" then his expression turned to distaste, "Before all those stupid little kids get in."
"Hey!" Luke replied, "They sell Bernstein Bear books online!"
The End