Yeah, this is based off Apples to Apples by Lascaux on deviantart and some 4chan stuff. xD
It's all srs bizness at first, but gets all cracktastic towards the middle-ish. .;
JokerxBatman pairing in this. But Joker flirts with everyone in this because he's such a dirty boy.
And umm...no OOCs in this. Goddamn, hate those stories.
The Joker dragged Batman's limp body into his apartment, throwing him into the darkness before flipping the light switch. Batman struggled in the ropes as he tried to speak through the duct tape around his mouth, but only ended up making muffled noises. The Joker smirked as he walked towards his old foe, grasping a knife at his side.
The clown prince reached out and yanked the tape off Batman's mouth, causing a grunt from the sting of pain, which proceeded with the Joker's laughter.
"It's about time you see my lovely abode," the clown said as he held his arm out to his side, presenting the surprisingly normal apartment.
Batman glared at his enemy, blocking out his casual talk. "Why are we still doing this after all these years? Why don't you just stay in Arkham and deal with life in there?"
"Ohh, Batsy, Batsy, Batsy." He chuckled. "Denial doesn't necessarily translate to ignorance being bliss. In fact, it is you who should deal with life with me." The mad clown laced his fingers together and put them close to his heart, mocking sappy romantic gestures.
Batman's face was all but romantic at the moment. "We can't fight like this forever, Joker. This has already been going on for years. If neither of us is going to give in, then the only way might be a fight for life." He grimaced. "And I hate resorting to that…"
Another laugh escaped the Joker's mouth despite the seriousness in Bruce's voice. "Aw, come on, Bats. I know you're not enjoying our little run-around, unlike me. But I will never stop, and you're too self-righteous to end it yourself."
He laughed lower than usual, flipping the light switch to once again plunge the room into darkness. Bruce's breath suddenly grew short in a slight state of panic, not knowing where the Joker was. He suddenly knew when he felt his hot breath close to his neck. The Joker slid his head from under Bruce's chin to lingering by his ear.
"…Maybe…I could end all this right now…" he threatened in whispers. Batman could feel the blade being pressed against his cheek.
The madman pressed deeper, causing Bruce to wince as the knife broke through his bare skin.
"Oopsies…" Joker teased through smiles. "Almost forgot what I promised before… I won't kill you."
He slowly moved his head to the bleeding wound, and then paused. "…You're too much fun to kill anyways..."
Much to Bruce's dislike, Joker began to lick the cut, starting at the bottom of the trail by his chin. Bruce tried to pull back in disgust but ended up falling back and bringing the Joker on top of him. Bruce had never felt so dazed in his life. He felt lips being pressed against his, a tongue trying to force its way into his mouth and a body straddling him. At one point, Bruce almost felt a slight pleasure since he became aware of tightening of his pants.
As the Joker hungrily went back to the wound and bit it for more blood, Bruce cried out and suddenly snapped back to reality and hate, feeling the madman lick his cheek once more.
Ring! Ring! The phone rang to startle the two, as if on purpose. Joker paused in mid-lick and growled in rage, but then smirked and sat up. Bruce sighed as he thought the Joker would get off him to answer the phone, but he was really unzipping his pants.
"They can always just leave a message," Joker murmured, bending back down and slowly wrapping his arms around the caped crusader.
He let the ringing go straight through his ears as he nipped at the Dark Knight's ear and began to untie the ropes. Bruce had a small smile, ready to strike back when the ropes were loose enough. But much to his dismay, the Joker stopped frozen as the message was transmitted.
"Umm, yeah. Hey J-man! It's Scarecrow…I have a real emergency and I don't know who else to call than you. Very urgent, so call ASAP."
Bruce could feel the Joker tense up in anger as he glared at the phone. But once he turned his head back to him, he relaxed and cleared his throat. "I'll be just a minute…"
The Joker hesitantly got off and pulled his pants back up, feeling his way to the switch and turning the smallest light back on. Then he stomped over to the phone and dialed the Scarecrow's number.
"Hello?" spoke a clueless voice on the other line.
"Dammit, Scarecrow, what the hell is so important that you have to fuck up my night right now?" he practically yelled.
Hearing the anger in his voice, Scarecrow paused before replying. "…Yeah, uh, I ran outta doobies…Heheh…You know, for the party tomorrow."
The Joker's anger quickly turned into happiness as an idea formed in his head. He spoke in a calmer tone this time. "You know…Let's have the party right now. Call up Harvey. I have an extra special guest tonight…"
"Who?"
"Kehehehe…" The Joker turned his head to face Batman in a sinister grin.
"Uhhh, alrighty then. But don't forget the joints," Scarecrow said and then hung up.
Joker walked back over to his equal, still smiling. "Looks like some inevitable force has hindered our love once again, my dear Dark Knight."
Bruce spat onto the floor in front of him. "You sick bastard."
Joker took his insult as more of a compliment, for he still grinned. "Want to proceed before the others arrive?" he asked in an almost-innocent tone.
"I'd rather not…" Bruce snapped as he turned his head, averting his gaze.
The clown shrugged. "True, the mood has well been lost by now." He sighed in sarcastic disappointment. "Maybe the party will make you feel more up to it." He cackled.
"Ugh…" Bruce rolled his eyes at the Joker's banter.
The clown prince skipped back over to him and sat, causing the other to huff. "Aw, come on, Bats. Don't be such a tight ass. This party's gonna be a blast!"
Batman shrunk back, thinking of all the horrible things that could occur during the 'party', considering what was just going on. The Joker noticed his expression and gently began to stroke the other's bloody cheek with the back of his hand.
"You know, Honeycakes…" he said as he swung his leg around to straddle Bruce's waist. "…I think I might get to finally see you smile tonight." He smirked and lowered himself so that his face was hovering a mere inch away from Bruce's.
To retaliate, Bruce glared hard and long into the Joker's eyes, trying a feeble act of intimidation. "How can I possibly smile with you near me?"
"I have ways. Now come on. Let's put a smile on that face," The Joker said in a low tone. He chuckled and suddenly lurched forward, ramming his lips onto his once more. This time, Bruce was caught off guard by the sudden attack and was intruded by the madman's tongue. And trying to struggle away just made Joker arch his hips closer to his, making things much more uncomfortable for the hero.
The kiss grew more intense as the seconds passed, even with Bruce trying to fight it. The Joker slid his hand up to hold Batman's cheek, caressing the wound. When Bruce slightly softened, the Joker took that moment of weakness to pull out a knife. He silently brought it up to his other cheek and—
Ding Dong!!
The sudden interruption caused Joker to quickly jump off Batman with a fear of getting caught. He awkwardly staggered to the front door, straightening up his clothes as he did so.
"Heyyy Joke-ster!" Scarecrow said happily as he gave his friend a man-hug. He looked at him from head to toe with his puffy red eyes. "Uhh…hey. Why are you all sweaty and nervous? It's a party! Relax, J-man! " He gave him a big slap on the back as he walked inside.
Then Scarecrow saw the tied up bat in the middle of the hallway, glaring at him. "Ohhh this is that special guest you were talkin' about. Light up the doobies and pop him in tha oven, and we'll have the time of our lives!" He laughed as he took out a lighter. "You do have the stuff, right? That's why I came the earliest, ya know."
The Joker sighed. "Yeah, yeah. In my room, where I always keep 'em," he said in a monotone as he pointed at the end of the hallway to his room.
"Woo thanks!" Scarecrow exclaimed as he ran immediately to the room.
He came back out moments later, his mask off and already smoking a joint. He was stuffing as many bundles as he could into his carry-on bag.
"Thanks," Crane said appreciatively as he walked over to the Joker and gave him a slap on the back. "So what should we do to the bat?"
They looked down at the caped crusader, who just glared silent daggers into them.
"Let's just wait until Harvey comes, then we'll begin the fun…" Joker smirked and slipped a quick wink to the bat.
Bruce growled and was about to say something, but the ring of the doorbell stopped him conveniently.
"Ahhh, looks like chance is on our side tonight…" the Joker stated, cackling as he answered the door.
"Guess who ordered pizza!!!!" Harvey exclaimed in an unusually high voice.
He held the warm box of pizza and walked into the apartment, placing it onto the counter.
"That'll taste great with some Mary Jane!" Crane commented as he put his bag of joints next to the pizza.
Harvey scanned around the room, doing a double-take as he saw the bound, shadowed figure sprawled on the floor. A smile slowly creased the edge of his normal half of his face.
"Damn, who put the dog back on the leash?"
"I did!" beamed the Joker. "And now he's our little puppy…" He moistened the sides of his lips hungrily, already wanting to play with his pet.
"I am not your sick pet, Joker!" Batman growled through gritted teeth, the abuse that the madman did to him still very fresh in his mind.
"We'll see about that…" The psychopath mumbled under his breath so that only he could hear his words. Then he turned to his friends and said aloud, "So what should we do with little Batsy?"
"Hmm…" Harvey thought for a good plan, and being the person that ran for Gotham District Attorney, he was basically the one with the logic brains of the group, besides the Joker, but he was too crazy to come up with something logical.
Harvey was about to suggest something when Dr. Crane suddenly burst out, "Let's have a movie night!!!"
Everyone looked at Crane with a puzzled look. Except for the Joker, who's fucked up imagination took a hold of his thoughts.
"That's actually not a bad idea!" Joker agreed and patted the back of his high friend. "But what movie?"
"Little Miss Sunshine!" yelled Crane.
Harvey hesitated before answering, but did nonetheless. "Hunchback of Notre Dame…"
"Waaa!! I'm ugly! Boo hoo! Jeez, Harvey, move on!" the clown commented. He then turned to the shadowed figure tied on the floor. "What about you, Batsy?"
"I'm not watching anything with you lunatics!" he spat.
"Ah, ah, ah! We don't want anymore situations happening tonight in my room, now don't we?" the Joker chided, smirking.
"…Die Hard," Batman said simply.
"Okay, so we should have a democratic vote," suggested Harvey.
Suddenly Crane raised his arms and flopped them around, yelling out, "ZOMG BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!!!"
The Joker grinned in such a big smile, that no one could even tell of his Glasgow smile at the moment. "I was about to say that! And since I am the host of this party, I demand that we all watch it!"
"What? That's dictatorship, not democracy!" Batman grumbled.
Harvey glared at the clown, momentarily taking sides with his old friend by nodding.
"Oh, I see Mr. Two-Face just takes whatever side the situation wants him to be. Well then…that shouldn't be too hard to persuade." The psychopath slowly pulled out a gun from his side pocket, aiming it at the half-burned man. Then he shifted his aim towards Batman, then to Crane.
"Now if anyone has a problem with Brokeback Mountain, I'm gonna make sure that problem will never come out of you again. Never." He enunciated the last word with such a threatening whisper, that the air in the room grew tensely silent.
Crane, being the only one who wasn't frightened, took a few wobbly steps towards the crazy comrade, wrapping an arm around his stiffened shoulder. "Aw, come on, J-man. Why so serious?" he quoted against him, making the Joker boil even more. "We know how much you love this movie, so we're gonna enjoy it too. Just for you…" He whispered the last sentence into the clown's ear, the stench of marijuana extremely potent.
The Joker couldn't tell if Crane was insulting him, supporting him, flirting with him, or even flat out just babbling shit. So the Joker just threw his words aside. Besides, he's the one with the gun. He still aimed at the three men, grinning insanely as he giggled.
"Now, sit on the couch so I can cook the popcorn. Harvey, you can set up the movie. It's on the stack next to my bookshelf. I'm sure you can find it," the Joker said in a bitchy tone, as if he was a spoiled girl having a slumber party.
And with that, he sauntered into the kitchen, disappearing from the others' view. Harvey grumbled as he clenched his fists, reluctantly walking towards the bookshelf while cursing under his breath. Batman scowled as he was being dragged to the couch by Crane, who was gawking at the hovering chicken legs around him. After getting the movie set up, Harvey sighed and plopped onto the couch next to Crane. Approximately ten minutes later, they still sat there rotting, waiting for the crazy clown.
"What the hell is taking him so long? Popcorn doesn't take 20 minutes to cook!" Batman barked, his patience completely gone.
Harvey shook as he glowered at the TV screen while it played the main menu sequence for the umpteenth time. "Dammit, Joker! What are you doing in there?!"
When no reply came, Crane got up and walked into the kitchen. Still only silence, that is until Crane came back, alone except for a full plastic bag of weed.
"Oh, hey guys. Want some dope for the movie?"
"Where the hell is the Joker, you high piece of shit!?" Harvey Dent practically yelled.
"Well, excuse me, Princess!" Crane said and collapsed back onto his spot on the couch, taking out a lighter. "He's not in there."
"What? You didn't even look around, did you? You're probably too fucking high to even know where to go except how to find the crack," Harvey ranted to take out some of his rage.
"Stop trying to blame others for actions that we can't control," Batman preached calmly. "I'm sure he wouldn't just leave us here…" The thoughts of the Joker and his obsession with him convinced him to truly think so.
"Miss me?" a low voice said from their left. Everyone whirled their heads to turn towards the man they've been waiting for. He wore a silken red nightdress that came down dangerously close to a sensitive area, revealing his surprisingly well-shaped legs. Everyone gawked at his look, paying more attention to the outfit than to the warm pizza and beer he carried.
Batman was the first to snap out of the trance, feeling completely degraded and disgusted. "What the hell are you doing?"
The Joker smirked and sauntered over to the couch, swaying his hips as he did so. He slowly put the things down onto the coffee table and sat in-between Batman and Crane.
"Did you miss me, Batsy?" the clown prince cooed as he cuddled close to the caped crusader.
Batman scoffed, not amused. "Not one bit."
"Aw, I'm hurt. We're going to have to teach you some compassion tonight," Joker said as he picked up the remote and started the movie.
"I already have compassion. But for the well-being of the innocent. For justice. Not people like you."
"Well then what about me?" Crane intervened, smiling a goofy grin as he took another drag.
Batman just glared at the two crazy men. This was probably the worst place Bruce Wayne would end up to be in. Being cuddled by an arch-nemesis and forced to watch a gay romance movie by itself was more torture than anything hell could provide.
"Jeez, Joker. I thought you were kidding when you said all those things about the ol' bat and you," Harvey commented as he looked over at the two in an embrace together, stifling a laugh. He then leaned over and grabbed a slice of the pepperoni pizza. "I think it's great that you finally got out of that faggy closet and announced your gayness to the world." The half-burned man insulted jokingly.
The clown paused his cuddling, much to Bruce's relief. "What's wrong with being attracted to the same sex? Do we have to go into a debate here, or can we just watch the goddamned movie?" Joker snapped.
"Yeah, now you're just being intolerant, Harv." Crane sighed as he finished his joint and swiped a bottle of beer off the table, popping the lid. "I thought you always wanted things to be fair," he said with a heavily scented breath.
"You know, he's actually still pretty smart even when he's high," Batman commented, leaning away from the Joker just in case he would randomly tackle him in a hug again. "But still, why are you acting so gay all of a sudden, Joker?"
"Well I've been running out of ways of torture. Well…Not really. But I'd do anything just to get you riled up. You make my life meaningful, Cupcake." The Joker confessed simply as he rested his head on Batman's chest.
Bruce grumbled obscenities under his breath, trying to focus on the movie. And apparently two cowboys are gay because they were kissing. 'How predictable…' Bruce rolled his eyes at how surprisingly conventional the movie was for the Joker to pick. Well…not really, considering his random mood swings. '…Maybe…He's a girl that just got a sex change...Or a just a hermaphrodite…Or just plain gay and crazy.'
Trying to think of a logical explanation for Joker's behavior just made Bruce's head hurt. And thinking of that topic while watching two cowboys making love didn't help either. He stared at the corner of the living room, attempting to find something to amuse his brain.
"What's the matter, Bats? Don't like the movie?" Joker cooed as he snuggled up against Batman's chest. "Would you rather do something else?"
A sudden image of the Joker on top of Bruce sent shivers down his spine.
"I'd rather go home," he stated, starting to feel light-headed and sick.
The Joker smirked at Batman's misery. "Oh, no. You're going to have to play the game with us if you want to leave."
The other two glanced over and snickered.
"And what would that 'game' be?" Bruce questioned, eying Joker suspiciously.
The clown prince fell back into the couch in laughter. "Why, you're already playing! Just relax and have a nice, legitimate night of fun. Then tomorrow you can leave."
Bruce narrowed his eyes his eyes at the deranged schizophrenic, knowing well that it was never that simple with him. Joker sensed his suspicion and wrapped a bare arm around his shoulder.
"Aww no need for disbelief. I promise you'll be able to go back home tomorrow," he said in a faulty nice tone. Then he added in a whisper, "And you can even beat me up before you go."
"I'm sure you'd like that…" Batman sighed deeply and grimaced. He would've been rubbing his temples if his hands weren't tied together so tightly.
Joker grinned at Batman's misery, forcing deep, heavy breaths into Bruce's ear in an attempt of seduction. He started to rub against him, making him very stiff.
"You know, if you don't like the movie, we can just go to my room for some…more satisfying entertainment."
Bruce glared at him in disgust, knowing full well what the Joker had in mind. "I don't think that would be satisfying for me."
The clown prince of crime threw his head back in a fit of laughter once again. "You'll never know until you try!"
"No. I know, okay? So I'm not doing it."
The Joker put a hand on his hip and wagged the index finger of his other hand. "Don't take that tone of voice with me, young man! If it's a beatin' you're a wantin', then to my room you go!"
Joker stood up and grabbed Batman by the cape, yanking him off the couch.
"WHAT?" Bruce was having a panic attack inside, and it was showing on his face as well.
As Batman was being dragged through the carpet towards the Joker's room, the other two waved a pleasant good-bye.
"Sayonara!" Crane called out, although his gaze was glazed and slightly cross-eyed.
"Don't spit it out, Batman! He'll cut you for that!" Harvey hollered and sneered.
Batman gave the two a nasty glare until he was pulled entirely into the dark room, door slamming shut behind him. Now the only sound was their breathing, and Bruce's was getting heavier by the second with nervousness. His eyes had to adjust to the light, and he couldn't tell where Joker was at the moment. That is, until he felt hands gripping the ropes from behind him.
The Joker whispered into Batman's ear from behind, "Now, if you continue to play the game with me, I'll loosen these pesky little ropes, and you can be on your way home. But if you don't, well I guess I might just break my little promise. Capice?"
Batman didn't answer, for he didn't want to play or risk dying like this.
The Joker sighed. "I'll just take that as a 'yes'. Now…" He snaked his arms from Bruce's back to his abdomen, feeling his abs as he purred and rubbed against him.
"…As a part of the game…you have to fuck me…hard…" the clown spoke in between ragged breaths. "…But only if you promise to do so…I'll untie you."
"W-What?" Bruce practically yelped.
The Joker smirked. "You heard correctly…" He slipped his fingers dangerously below Batman's belt, stroking and teasing. "This is quite a predicament you're in, Batsy…What's it gonna be?"
Bruce couldn't help but get aroused by this now. Being touched in the right and wrong places was causing him to feel uncomfortable though. For the first time, the Harvard billionaire, Bruce Wayne, was conflicted on what his next move will be. Sure, he had to solve many problems in Gotham before, but this was so…bizarre that he couldn't think.
"Can I…Do I…How long?" he managed to sputter.
The Joker removed one of his hands from Bruce's tender spot and placed his hand on his chin, pondering. "Hmm…Let's see…the whole night."
DO IT BATMAN!!!
& no, I won't give you my cocaine!! I mean...REVIEWPLZ!!