April 1st!! It's CLAMP DAY!! Which mean 'boys with questionable subtext'!!
Usual disclaimers apply, with added warning that I'm jacked up on cold medicine. And I have watched gay porn. In college. with half a dozen other girls. Who may or may not have been drunk. Yeah.
"So Sasuke," begins Naruto, settling himself into the chair. "What's it like to be gay and mostly rejected by reality, if not society?"
It's not his imagination that Sasuke practically slams the test gear into his face.
"I am so complaining to your supervisor," Naruto whines, adjusting so that the eye piece is not up his nose.
Sasuke gives him the patented glare of death and snaps the lights.
"Read the sixth line before I kick you out."
"P no… R, E, Z, F, K. Seriously though, I'm gonna write a gay porn and send the proceeds to a GBLTQ charity and I figure some insight from a guy who was molested by a tranny drag queen and never mentally recovered would be hella useful. It's going to be great! We're going to call it Make Out of the Closet."
"I can't believe you get paid to harass people at work. One," he toggles the lens, "or two?"
"One. And I'm changing the world dammit."
"One," clink "or two? The adult section is not the world. You're not even in the library catalogue."
"One again." A beat. "Aww, you went to a library and looked? I never knew you cared so much."
"Fuck you, Uzumaki. One or two?"
"Hey you didn't even change them, you bastard!"
-
Naruto goes home with the firm conviction that Sasuke was unnecessarily vicious puffing that air into his eyeball, and that his reading glasses will end up blinding him. Naruto also goes home trying to think of what to wear tonight. It should have figured when he said he'd trade dinner for information Sasuke had taken him up on it like the cheap optometrist bastard he was. Didn't even have the good grace to accept Naruto's choice of restaurant, but insist on 'real food at a real restaurant where the vegetables aren't frozen and the flatware actually up to safety standards'. The only good thing about going anywhere but Ichiraku was there would be an alcohol menu and getting Sasuke liquored up could only mean more information. Although, he might just spend the entire evening drunkenly complaining about all the experiences with girls that had turned him to team homo. Well, if he added a bit of wild and freakish sex that would be at least a good five chapters of back story. From what he knew about Karin, he might not even have to make it up.
-
By the time the bill comes, Naruto can only make out a squiggle and just hands over his gold card. Sasuke looks as blitzed as London in 1939. Inscrutable bastard. At least he's drunk enough not to leave immediately when Naruto suggests they go to the AV store and find some research material. And tequila. Tequila would be good too. They don't find any in the AV store though.
The only thing Naruto can think about gay porn is that it's fucking hilarious.
"'What are you doing here in the dark?'" he asks for the character on screen that has walked in on someone inflating his sports equipment. "'Oh not much, just pumping up my balls.'" He cackles madly. "Oh man, I want this guy to write the script when my book is made into a movie."
"Like anyone wants to get off on the shit you write," retorts Sasuke rudely, helping himself to a shot.
"It'll be better than that," he points to the TV which has switched scenes to a lavish toga party. "Does that really turn anyone on?" He stares at it for a few minutes and laughs uncontrollably some more. "Safe sex is one thing, but I thought there were no Trojans on Olympus." He's not even sure if what's coming out of mouth is funny, crazy or both but Sasuke just nods agreeably and cracks the seal on the whiskey.
Naruto isn't even sitting straight when he tells the world his four favorite men in the world are Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker, Jose Cuervo and Sasuke Uchiha, so it figures he wasn't thinking straight either when he says "Hey Sasuke, let's have a one night stand."
It's not to Sasuke's credit that he says: "Sure, whatever."
-
Naruto is perched on his bed looking slightly nervous in nothing but his ducky boxers.
"Okay," he says gamely, "do your worst. I don't got any lube, but uh… I heard olive oil is pretty safe."
Sasuke looks up from trying to undo the buttons on his shirt. "What? You want me to… Oh hell no. I am not putting my dick in your ass."
Naruto is offended. "What's wrong with my ass?"
"Aside from the fact that it's attached to you?"
"It's not like I know how gay guys fuck, so what are we gonna do?"
"A one night stand means I never see you again after I wake up, right?" asks Sasuke resignedly when he realizes he doesn't have to motor coordination to deal with his shirt, or the mental patience to deal with Naruto.
"Hey I bought you dinner and drinks and we watched a movie, so as far as first dates go, you can't tell me this wasn't pretty damn decent!"
"Yes I can," Sasuke informs him blandly, glaring at buttons. Finally he just tugs his shirt over his head.
Naruto manages to pout. "Well if we're not going to snuggle, the least you could do is give me a good night kiss. And hit the lights would you?"
Sasuke rolls his eyes but turns off the lamp.
"I don't care if this is your bed, if you hog the blankets, I will kick you off."
"Shut up, Sasu-gay. What about my good night kiss?"