Hate
By: Gasha Aisu
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam wing, but I do own Alexandra.
Hilde's P.O.V.
I want to hate you, why can't I hate you? You laugh, unknowing of me, unknowing of what you do to me. How can you be so obvious? You're so happy, you're live is so ordered. I guess that's why I can't fit in, I guess that why…
You know I love you, right? You know you mean the world to me. I just can't get you out of my head, no matter what I try. And I try I really do, I just can't…
That why I want to hate you. I want to hate you, so that even though I can't get you out of my head, at least I won't feel like this. At least then I will only feel hate. Not this longing, this emptiness, this pain…
You look at me, and smile. Unwillingly I immediately smile back. That's just something you do, make me smile, make me laugh. They say the only one who can reach me, really reach me, is you. Yes you, don't look so surprised, you goof, you know I…no you don't look surprised. Because I will never tell you this, I will never tell you just exactly how much you mean to me, what you do to me.
Because there is her.
She's the light of your life, she's the one who does something I can not. She can reach you. At least I think she can, I really never saw her. But I see you, and I see you when you talk about her. Somehow you're unwilling to talk about her to me though, and I can't phantom why…
She does fit in your life. Somehow, she keeps things ordered, she keeps things safe.
It's safe to be with her to you, isn't it?
I want to hate you, I want to be jealous of her. But I can't, that's just not how I work.
And I hate it.
I hate you, almost at least. I'm so confused, one side of me hates you, hates you because of what you do to me, how you reach me. My other side loves you for it.
I guess it's true. People always want what they can't get.
And I can't get you. I feel peace settle inside me as I accept it. I'm alright with it, I can deal with it, I've been here before. Yes, I'm in control.
Then you do something I hate you for….again.
You look at me, your eyes going through me. You wonder about me, you worry about me. You…care. Why do you care you selfish bastard? Why can't you stay away, why can't you stay with her. Stay away damnnit! Don't look that sad, bastard, don't hurt because of me, damnit I'm not worth it. I told you, STAY AWAY.
"Damnit, stay away Duo," I whisper as you keep you're eyes focussed on me. You leave her, you leave Alexandra (fondly called Alex) just for me. Just for your roommate. Little Hilde, who's just a friend. Little Hilde, who you can hug, who you can cry onto, who you can trust, who you can use… I take a step back, as I get rid of my tears threatening to fall. I put on the smile, the smile who can fool anyone as I look you directly in the eye. When I look you straight in the eye you believe me, you know I can't lie to you when I look straight at you.
No I can't lie. But the truth can be far stretched.
"Hilde, you alright?" you ask, worry evident in your voice. Why do you have to worry about me Duo? Why can't you stay away, stay safe. Stay in the life where I can only be your friend, nothing more. I'm not even sure if I want something more anymore.
You got me so confused, Duo…
"Of course I am," I reply cheerfully. Yes, of course. I'm always alright when you're around.
"Don't worry about me, you go make out with your girlfriend. You haven't seen her in days," I add, yes you haven't seen her because of your duty. The duty I understand, but she doesn't.
I want you to go away and live your life, I want you to be happy. You're happy with her, right?
You look straight at me, and I get the feeling that you know me. That you know what's going on, that you know I missed you, no matter how much I wanted to hate you.
"I haven't seen you either Hilde," you reply softly, and get a little closer. I want to move, because I have to, but I don't want to move because this is what I want. Yes, I want different things, again you confuse me Duo.
"And I've missed you," you continue, as you inch closer to me. Unwilling I'm drawn to you as I close my eyes in your embrace. Your walking on the line again, the line between love and friendship. But we both know that line very well, and you're a master at staying on the save side. One tear gets away and falls on your shirt, but you don't notice.
You never notice me. Not even when you do.
The end.
Please tell me what you think?
Untill next time.
Gasha Aisu