Lost, Without a Doubt
Summary: Rory, in the middle of an argument, helps Lorelai realize her mistake. If only she would admit it.
Setting: Post "French Twist".
Disclaimer: If only it were mine…
"What?"
The expression on Rory's face has her worried. Lorelai has seen this face before, many times in fact: when Rory first found about Jess and Shane (and for the duration of that month long relationship); when she broke up with Dean for the first time; when Lorelai told her just how she felt about Rory getting together with Dean for the third time. It's her Emily Face, in all its pinched up glory.
"Your father and I got married," Lorelai repeats slowly, though the smile on her face is a lot less secure and a lot more forced than it was the first time, and the happy, "surprise" tone her voice adopted is gone completely. "We went to this little church in Paris..."
Rory's mouth is hanging open just slightly and a look at her watch tells Lorelai it's been officially two minutes since she'd last blinked.
"Rory?"
Another minute drags slowly by, and Lorelai becomes painfully aware of the silence growing between them. "Could you say something? Please? You're kinda freaking me out here, hon." She tries to laugh it off but it comes out sounding too high-pitched, off kilter.
"You're freaking out? I can't believe you—I mean you only just—" She shakes her head and now, suddenly, it seems that Rory can't stop blinking. She stands up and paces the room while Lorelai watches her angry movements and tries to understand why she's so upset. Isn't this what every kid wants? For their parents to be together and to be a family?
Though, if she's honest, Rory has never been like every other kid. And try as my mother might, Christopher has never really been a part of our family. More like a distant relative you only see at reunions.
Lorelai shakes her head, twisting the wedding band on her finger. She did a good thing. This was what she needed. She bites her bottom lip. No, not needed. Wanted. She definitely wanted this to happen. Definitely.
Didn't she?
The pacing stops, but the anger in Rory's eyes has not dissipated. "What about Luke?"
Lorelai flinches at the mention of his name, an instinctive and almost involuntary reflex. What the hell is Rory thinking bringing up Luke, now? For the past couple of months, Lorelai thought she'd made it pretty clear that bringing up Luke, talking about Luke, mentioning anything in relation to Luke, was not okay. That Rory knew she wasn't ready yet to talk about him as though he didn't have such a meaningful place in her life. Apparently she'd been wrong. "What about Luke?"
"I mean, I thought this thing with you and Dad— you said it wasn't too serious. You said you were taking your time which I still find kind of funny since you weren't exactly taking things slow when you slept with him right after you broke up with Luke—"
"Hey!" she snaps. But Rory, as per usual, is persistent.
"He's the rebound, mom! You don't marry the rebound! Especially when you're not even over the guy you're rebounding from!"
"I am over Luke!"
"Really? One minute you're crying hysterically about something he said in a supermarket and the next minute you're in Paris getting married, completely over Luke? Does the Flash know about you, because that was awfully quick!"
"He didn't want to marry me!" Lorelai blurts. Now that it's out, she knows there's no way that she'll be able to stop herself from spewing out the real reason why she didn't hesitate to say yes to Chris' proposal. "I wanted to marry him so badly but he wouldn't let me in! He shut me out and he said it, he told me that we weren't meant to be! But Chris was there for once in the 37 years that I've known him—finally acting his age, finally wanting to be a solid part of your life and he wanted me. So when your dad proposed, yeah I jumped on the opportunity because I'd rather be with him than pining away for the rest of my life over someone who doesn't want to be with me!" Lorelai bites down on the inside of her cheek, trying to keep the tears from falling down her face but that only seemed to serve as an impetus to the process.
Rory's face falls and sympathy crosses her features. The anger's still there, but it has lessened considerably. "Mom…"
She ignores Rory's outstretched arm, stands, and wipes the tears from her face, angrily. "You know what, Rory, I didn't come here for your approval. I just wanted you to know because you're my daughter and since you weren't there to actually see me get married I thought you'd want to know. And, well, now you know, so..."
"Mom—"
"I have to go." She swallows the lump in her throat but it does nothing to eliminate the soreness she feels. Why did she have to bring up Luke? Her vision still blurred by her tears, she tries to figure out why she hasn't left yet. Keys. Need to find my keys.
"Mom."
"What?" she snaps. "Rory, I don't want to talk about this anymore!" Just let me find my keys so I can leave.
Rory says nothing, simply hands over Lorelai's car keys. Her eyebrows are furrowed together, her mouth turned down into a disapproving frown.
"I'll see you later."
She leaves without a look back and, even through her blurred vision, makes it successfully to her car. Her mind barely registers the ride back to Stars Hollow until she finds herself in front of Luke's, unable to drive past.
He's standing behind the counter, counting receipts like she'd seen him do so many times before only now, obviously, things were different. She couldn't just go in there and interrupt him, say something witty to put a smile on his face. Or just say nothing (a rare occurrence until recently) and simply enjoy being there, with him.
And then, she stops fighting because she physically just can't hold it in anymore.
So, with nothing left to do, she lays her head on her steering wheel and cries.