JAR OF HEARTS
"Are you okay?"
Jesse asked Rachel quietly the moment they entered the gym and they saw Finn and Quinn…
He had a worried look on his face…
The one that if she'd only cared enough to look longer also betrayed the sadness in his gaze…
"I'm okay…"
She mumbled under her breath…
She bowed her head and averted her eyes before she meets his stare head on, hoping against hope that it made her appear brave…
"Why would you think there's anything wrong?"
She puts on a wobbly smile before laughing awkwardly…
Jesse watching her for a moment as she fidgeted nervously and before she knew it, she feels her cheeks heating under his gaze…
There are too many people in the world who misunderstand her…
People who always question her motives and second guess her intentions but Jesse is not one of them…
In a way he gets her…
Despite the egging and the months of separation, he still knows her too well…
Maybe because they are really just too similar to each other not just in a way but in a whole lot of different ways…
"I'd – I'd go get you some punch then…"
Jesse looked as if he wanted to say something else but as Rachel gives a small nod to that sentence, he sighs and turns on his heel to do as he say…
Coming here was a mistake…
Seeing Finn dancing with Quinn and watching over them as they hug and embrace and cuddle was slowly killing her…
She thought she was long over the idea of HIM being with HER but on a night like today, there is only so much that she can take…
Tonight, when it is supposed to be the most memorable day of her high school life and when she wishes for nothing more than to be the one that Finn is holding close to him, she prays that she can be somewhere else…
Anywhere else…
But not here where he's near and yet she feels as if he is a thousand miles away from her …
Finn takes another sip from the whisky flask that Puck had slipped him at the beginning of the night and Quinn smiles beatifically beside him looking every inch the prom queen even if the winner has not yet been announced and the ballots have not yet been counted…
She looked calm…
Composed …
Collected…
The epitome of a true blue High School royalty but if one looks closer they'd see the nervousness in her eyes and the sharp edge hidden in her smile…
As if she was just waiting for Finn to snap at any given moment and Finn wanted to tell her that it was too late for that because he already did just a few days ago…
Around the time that he felt his heart break into a million jagged tiny pieces the moment that Rachel told him that she was going with Jesse to prom …
If he would only be honest with himself he'd say that it was a long time coming and that Quinn had been months too late because he had already reached his breaking point a long, long time ago…
However, it was only now that he understands that feeling and he wishes he knew better as he watches Rachel longingly from afar imagining that she is the one standing beside him and holding his hand instead…
Rachel is ringed by her circle of friends…
All of them concerned for her well-being and watchful of her actions as she tried to pretend to be having a good time despite the fact that her heart is twisting violently inside her chest…
There was Sam and Mercedes and Kurt with Blaine's arms around his shoulder and they stand closely together, forming a barrier between her and Finn and Quinn as well as the rest of the room…
"Are you sure?"
Mercedes asked for the umpteenth time…
"We can bail if you want to… "
She shrugged like being here didn't matter and Rachel was oddly touched at this new found feeling of having people around her who really LIKES her and whom she can really confidently call as "friends"…
"I'm okay you guys! You don't have to worry about me…"
She took her friends hands in hers as the music change from upbeat to slow and Mercedes looked so distressed at the prospect of Finn and Quinn dancing sweetly in front of Rachel that Sam asked her to dance in order to take her mind off things…
Rachel gave a smile and an approving nod at her friend and she looked at her tentatively before sliding her hand in Sam's…
The music is sweet…
The lyrics romantic…
Across the room, Quinn places her hand in Finn's and tugs him unto the dance floor…
Her left arm slides across his back, her right on his shoulder and when they dance she leans unto him and rests her forehead on his chest and they look so perfect just standing there closely together…
When Jesse returned with the drinks and nudges her elbow, she excused herself to go to the restroom…
She knows that she's being pathetic but she refuses to cry where they can see her…
Besides it is their prom today….
There should only be happiness and smiles and laughter and her tears would be totally out of place…
She almost ran out of the fully packed gymnasium…
Unaware that from above Quinn's shoulders Finn was watching her, following her with his gaze…
Everything is dressed for the prom…
Even the hallways of McKinley are decorated with gold stars and ribbons and in every corner of the corridor posters of Finn and Quinn are plastered all over the walls…
There was something inside of her that breaks to see their pictures side by side together…
She walks faster…
Her heels clicking violently on the tiled floor as the handful of students she passed look at her curiously….
"Hey… Rach! Wait up!"
Finn's voice carry out from across the almost deserted hallway…
He sounds so loud…
So clear…
So normal that she stopped dead in her tracks to do as he says…
She remembers the last time he came after her before prom in this very same hallway…
Somehow she feels that just like that time, once again, he is too late…
"You really went with him?"
He asked as he stopped behind her…
She can feel his heat behind her back and he shouts recklessly ignoring the surprised stare of the other people who are now unabashedly watching them as they stand closely together…
"RACH!"
He takes her arm and forced her around to face him…
"He's an asshole Rachel! Jesse will break your heart again!"
Rachel won't look at him…
Her gaze settling past him to where Quinn has followed….
Where she tries so hard to courageously stand even if her eyes were wide and filled with anxiety and Rachel knows that despite everything, Quinn really does love Finn and she felt just a little bit sorry for her for loving a man who seem to be unsure of his feelings for her and unsure of what he really wants…
"Let me go Finn…"
Rachel says very softly so that only he can hear.
"There's no use having this conversation again because I already told you that you gave up all your rights to me when you broke up with me…"
Sliding her hand over his, Rachel tries to pry his fingers away.
"You're always the one letting me go, Finn. Well, this time it's my turn… There's no going back. Let us just let go for good... Quinn is waiting."
He looked at her angrily….
"That's all you can say to me? Let go for good? Is it because he's here? Because Jesse's back? I know who you are Rachel..."
Finn's grip tightens….
"We are a part of something special, remember? You and me? I've tried to forget you Rach… to move on away from you… but you haunt me…"
Rachel blinks back the tears welling suddenly in her eyes.
"Finn, please… You're right… We used to be something…"
She paused as if she was speaking with great difficulty…
"Together… But you're with Quinn now…"
She put her hands on his fingers and eased herself loose from his grip…
"She is waiting."
She says.
"It's time to let go now."
Rachel still won't look at him… Her gaze locked on Quinn in her powder blue prom dress standing near the gym entrance instead…
"Finn!"
Quinn finally calls out to him, her voice steely as she beckoned to him...
Finn sighs at the tone of Quinn's voice…
A sudden exhalation almost like laughter but heavy with disbelief and frustration…
He put his hands again on Rachel's arm softly and shakes her slightly…
"Rach…"
Finn says, his voice soft and thick…
"I don't think I can let you go..."
She smiled at him sadly…
"I know…"
She stepped away from him…
"But I think you have to…"
Finn ran his hands in frustration over his face, turning slightly towards where Quinn was standing, her arms crossed over her chest, her foot tapping impatiently…
"Christ… I'm sorry Rachel…"
She nodded softly, swallowing against the lump in her throat in order to compose herself because if she doesn't, she feels as if she'd break into pieces and just fall apart…
"If that was enough Finn… you would have long forgiven me and taken me back…"
She put her hand on his face tenderly for a minute and Finn rubbed his cheek softly against it as if memorizing her touch before Rachel turns around to hide the tears that are now spilling down unto her cheeks as she walked away…
I learnt to live half alive
And now you want me one more time…
She sang her pain out as their eyes met across that darkly lit room…
She wishes that she can just forget him the moment she gets off that stage, but even if she sings of turning around and walking away, she knows that he will forever hold her heart…
Who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars…
Collecting your jar of hearts…
And tearing love apart…
Like a chase that never ends, they always end up running after each other, craving for more…
More of them…
More of their love and she longs for the day when they can just stop and meet in the middle in a space that's safe and secure and that would last…
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul…
So don't come back for me…
Who do you think you are?
The prom is like a fairytale and Rachel almost laughed out loud at the irony of how at this moment it seems more like a nightmare…
She had dreamt of this moment ever since Finn became her boyfriend where they dance slowly as they look in each other's eyes and whisper words of love but instead they are now looking at each other from a distance with so much hurt in their eyes while another girl is encircled in his arms…
"I'd never break up with you…"
Finn once said…
And even if they did, she still believes him…
In another time and place it will happen…
Loving each other is a constant thing in their life that will never change…
She's sure there will come a day when they'd find their way back to each other…
In the end it will be him and her…
They will be end game…
But for now they can only wait until their pain is all dried up and the scars that they have inflicted on each other have healed as they both live their lives apart and they become better….
Stronger ….
Tougher…
They will wait patiently…
One Day…
Someday…
This separation will reach its inevitable end and then nothing else will matter as they finally make their way back to each other….
AUTHORS NOTE:
If you've been following most of my work, you'd know that angst is my middle name… :)
I love THE PROM QUEEN episode because even if Finn and Rachel were apart, I can tell how much they really love each other…
This is something that I thought of… The missing piece in between Friday and Jar of Hearts and what could have happened between Finn and Rachel during that time…
I tried my best to leave this one shot in a hopeful note because I have ABSOLUTE FAITH that in the end, Finn and Rachel will indeed find their way back to each other…
Reviews and Comments are Highly appreciated… How do you like it? I wanna know what you think so do leave a note!