Envy
I have always been envious of him. How he always knows the answers. The way he has all the respect - and fear - from everyone. Even something as little as how he can stay so very thin when all he eats is sweets. I envy it all.
I don't mind that I have always kind of been his puppet. Well, that sounded a bit harsh. I've always been a bit of his...servant. But I don't mind. Actually, I rather like bringing him his tea, cakes, cookies, or whatever he asks for. I like being able to watch the way he opens each of the little candies without ever looking away from his work.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to know all the answers. I wonder what it would be like to be the one that everyone looks to. I wonder how it would feel to know the answers but have to find the evidence as L has done so many times before.
I envy Light as well. Not for the same reasons but more for the competition he gives to L. I could never stand up to them. I see the looks that L gives to Light and sometimes...well, it makes me wish I were Light instead. I'm not sure how to describe the looks, but only Light gets them and never are they returned. Part of me wishes to ask what that look pertains to, but the other part simply continues to watch as L eats his candy, opening them one by one, face lit only by the light from the computers before him.
"Matsuda." L interrupts my thoughts to call me over. He hadn't looked away from the screen so he couldn't know that I was staring at him.
"Yes?"
"Can you throw these away?" He asks. When he hands me the fists full of candy wrappers, he turns his eyes to me. In his eyes was a look then that I know only I have seen. It was a look that I alone would ever see. It was a look that screamed for an escape. It was a look that said, I'm tired of not being able to have results. I'm tired of being right. I'm tired of being depended on.
I nod and turn away.
Perhaps what I feel for him...isn't envy.