Author's Note: Merry Christmas 2008! Here's my gift to the fans. I know it's a little rushed and a little corny in some parts, but here you go.
Disclaimer: Jhonen Vasquez owns "Invader ZIM" and the late Dr. Seuss owns "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".
How the Zim Stole X-mas
Get out the trees and Poop Cola
Crazy tacos and Bloaty's pizza
Get out Delishus Weenies and stuff
And Explodey Beans and such…
Hang toy moosies on from the ceiling
Brain Freezies spilled on the floor
And every ornamental piggy on the blessed X-mas tree
X-mas comes tomorrow, and we're not ready!
Every human in the city liked X-mas a lot
But Zim, who lived just north of the city, did not
Zim hated X-mas—the whole X-mas season
Please don't ask why—not even he knew the reason
It could be perhaps that his boots were too tight
It could be that his PAK wasn't screwed on just right
But I think that the biggest reason of all
May have been that his Squeedily Spooch was two sizes too small
But whatever the reason—his shoes or his organs
He stood there on X-mas Eve, hating those humans
Staring out with a terrible scowl on his face
At the warm, lighted windows right outside his base
"And they-re hanging their gym socks," he snarled with a sneer
"Tomorrow is X-mas—they just had one last year!"
Then he growled with his gloved fingers nervously drumming
"Zim will find a way to stop X-mas from coming! For tomorrow I know
All those human pig-smellies will wake bright and early
They'll shove candy down to their bellies
And they'll scream with all that joy
And one thing I hate—all that joy, joy, joy, joy!"
"And they'll gobble down taquitos and spin around until they barf
They'll build a snowman with coal eyes and a scarf
They'll play their new Gameslaves
And other junk their parents gave
They'll play games like Zombie Piggy Hunter and Undead Moose
And Dib will come asking for a temporary truce"
"And then those humans, after playing with their CDs, games, and ponies
will eat and they'll eat, and they'll eat, eat, eat
They'll eat corn chip pudding
They'll carve the Roast Bologna!
Raw Roast Bologna is a feast I can't stand in the least!"
"And then, all those humans, the tall and the small
will gather around and start screaming, for no reason at all!
And they'll scream and they'll scream and they'll scream, scream, scream!"
And the more Zim thought about it, the more he growled
"I must stop this whole thing! For the whole three years I've put up with this now!
Zim will stop X-mas from coming—but how?"
Then he got an idea, a doomful idea
The Irken got a wonderful, doomful idea
"I'll build another Santa mech like the one last year
Only bigger, mightier, causing more fear!
But this time, joy will give me more control
I'll empty stockings and fill them with coal"
He toiled tirelessly, and when he was done
He needed a reindeer, but couldn't find one
Then his robot "dog" GIR, in a green reindeer suit
Leapt into the room and squealed, "Ain't I cute?"
Zim laughed evilly and said, "We're all set!
The Voot Runner flies, and GIR has his jets"
So then he called out after packing the "sleigh"
"To the Voot Runner, GIR! Phase Two's underway!"
So off they flew, the insane little pair
And crashed into Zim's least favorite house on the square
"It's the Dib-stink's dwelling! We're right on track!
Well start here—GIR, stop eating the sacks!"
Finding no chimney, he blasted a hole in the roof
And jumped and landed on the floor with an "oof"
He scrambled to his feet and descended one floor
And tried to shove the X-mas tree right out the door
He pushed and pushed, but as he rose to his toes
He heard a shrill sound like the shrieking of crows
He froze at once, and around he did spin
To see little Gaz-human, who was no more than ten
She glared at the Irken and said,
"Zim, put down our tree or I'll tear off your head!"
Zim wasn't really that smart of a guy
But in a half-hour's time, he thought up a lie
"Why my sweet little worm-baby," the fake Santa lied
"There are some pine needles here that are uneven on one side
So I'm taking it home to my base, stupid girl
I'll prune it up there, and then I'll rule the world"
Gaz wasn't fooled, but Zim patted her head
And he got her a Poop Cola and shoved her to bed
And when Gaz's threats to him finally stopped
He crept to the doorway and beamed the tree up
Then he loaded gifts and possessions into the Voot
And squeezed in somehow in his big clunky suit
And the one decoration that he let be
Was a rug one which GIR had to go pee
He did the same with the other houses—by roof hole or ladder
Leaving other people's rugs victimized by GIR's bladder
He plundered and took everything—even trash
Why Zim even took the last can of Poop Hash!
Then—Voot Runner full—he took to the skies
And set off for space with a glint in his eyes
He left the atmosphere at light speed
Then he laughed wickedly at his horrible deed
He readied a satellite dish on a whim
"Let us hear their sobbing—victory for Zim!"
He aimed the dish, and with and earphone close
Waited for the gift that he wanted most
He did hear a sound—not sobs and not cries
But the usual screams shooting up from the skies
"They're happy?" Zim yelled, "I've got to be dreaming!"
But little GIR whispered, "You think that's why they're screaming?"
Zim struggled to turn in his heavy disguise
And saw tears coming from GIR's cyan-blue eyes
"I may not know much, and I'm not that alert
But I know feelings, Zim, and I know when they're hurt"
"Those aren't happy screams, they're all in dismay
You can't take X-mas—you just ruined their day"
"Instead of taking, why not just give?
You'll enjoy it much more if you live and let live"
And what happened then—well, as GIR would always say
Zim's small Squeedily Spooch grew three sizes that day
And then the true meaning of X-mas came through
He put the Voot in "Drive", and back to Earth they flew
He soared through the city with a light in his soul
And GIR handed back all that his master stole
With "Merry X-mas" and a few warm smiles
Zim decided finally to go one extra mile
Armed with a card and a gift-wrapped moose
He knocked on Dib's door and asked, "Holiday truce?"