"Blame"
by Emerald Eyes
***Fic is about Mulder's thoughts during the episode "One Breath"***
It's three o'clock in the morning, but I can't sleep. If I let myself drift into the endless sea of unconsciousness only nightmares will come: nightmares of you, and nightmares of her.
I'm so appalled by what I have done to you. I know it'll surely haunt me for the rest of my life, another burden to add to the guilt I carry for losing my sister. I'll forever see your face on every redheaded girl walking down the street, and I will hear your voice in every irascible, skeptical scientist I see. Oh, I know it's coming, I know the feeling all too well. I'll see the dark haired girl sifting through the crowd. She'll be calling my name: 'Fox, Fox, Fox!' Even though she's gone, she's still out there. She's asking me why I've done this to her, asking how I can live with it. Well, I can't live with it! It's a demon gnawing at my very soul non-stop. And I am dead inside because I know it's actually me that caused these horrible fates. You will be with my sister, Scully. If you die, you'll be another sin of mine: another person I've failed to protect.
I can't stop thinking about you, Scully, no matter how hard I try. My mind keeps on wandering back to the same question: will you live?
I try not to think about vengeance. I try to listen to what your sister, Melissa, told me. She told me I should accept what comes… whether it be good or bad. She told me to stop blaming myself for actions I can't control, saying 'It's not your fault.' But of course it's my fault! Can't you see!?
I should have been more careful. I should have predicted that Duane Barry would come for you. I should have predicted that the government would quell my search for the truth. I should have stopped them from sending you to some secret laboratory where they used you, experimenting on you like a lab rat! I should have known! But I didn't know, and now all odds are against me. Scully, you will probably die because of me. I'll lose you like I lost Samantha.
I can't go on living when everyone I ever grow close to is also torn from me. I never forgave myself whenever I let them take my sister, and I promised I'd make it up to her somehow. That somehow was you, Scully. I vowed I would never let harm come to you, thinking that if I were to protect you then it would relieve me of the burden I carry from so long ago.
But now you're being torn from me, torn like so many other people… and isn't it sad? I'm a Federal Agent! I have a gun and a badge and training. That's the whole point of having a partner! 'You look after me, I'll look after you.' Your partner will protect you when you need it the most. I didn't protect you, so I guess I failed at that, too, didn't I?
You see? I'm not too hard on myself. All of the blame I weigh myself down with is rightfully mine. I'm nothing but a monster. This monster wants revenge. At this very moment he's fingering the trigger of his gun, daydreaming about the rapture he'll feel when he shoots everyone who had ever harmed you, Scully. A monster like me shouldn't be allowed to live… but I stay alive because of her and because of you. I let them take you, Scully, but rest assured… I'll not let them take any more! I'll keep on haunting them like you haunt me, and they will feel every miniscule ounce of pain they'd ever caused you!
I'll take the blame for you, Scully, just like I did with Samantha. I'll take the blame because I failed at being a friend, failed at being a brother, and failed at being a partner. And because I failed, because I'm a monster, I'll never hear your voice reprimanding me with scientific notions and theories. I'll never see your brilliant azure eyes shine with intelligence, and I'll never see your soft auburn hair ever again.
So here I am, afraid of the past and afraid of the future, lying wide awake on the couch. I'm waiting in silence… waiting to see what fate will behold. Though I fear that you have already been torn from me, I will not give up.
I hope that by a miracle you'll live… so I can see your face again… so you can see mine… so I don't have to see you in pain… so you're not in pain… but most of all, I want you to live so that I can say 'I'm sorry.'
End story at 04.20.01.
Hope you liked it… be nice and write a review and please don't flame. I do not own the characters, they belong to Chris Carter…