She wanted to fix it.
Her life was slowly going down the tubes and she wanted to make it better. She wanted to make him better.
"Are you alright?" She had asked.
"I'm fine," he replied looking straight ahead.
Now, looking back at it, she could've seen the signs – withdrawal, resentment, anger – and the fact that she didn't recognize them at first made her feel even worse about herself. She knew she was never food enough for him, but she stayed. It was the most selfish thing she had ever done
She had always put other people before herself but when she met him, she just knew she couldn't let him go. He was the perfect man in her eyes. He was tall with a swimmer's build. He had piercing eyes and a laugh that would take her breath away. He was stubborn as hell but she loved it. They had been friends before it all and she knew she could trust him with anything there was no way she couldn't fall in love with him.
It all started about a year and a half into their relationship. He started changing. She could see it in his eyes and it scared her. She would constantly ask if anything was wrong or if she could help with anything in any way but he would always look at her with unconvincing eyes and say, "Nothing. I'm fine." It frustrated her to an end and whenever she would say something in retaliation he would turn around and walk away.
She knew it was her fault.
She knew he would never say anything that would make her seem like she was doing anything wrong, even if she was.
She knew that he wanted a break from it all.
She knew that when he asked if she would go away with him, she would have to say no.
She was a realist. She had to make sure her future was secure and couldn't take the risk of throwing away everything that she had worked for. She couldn't. It was impossible. This wasn't a fairy tale.
He was a dreamer. He was always itching for bigger and better things for himself. He wanted to get out of the lowly town that he had grown up in and get away from the world. But, he wouldn't leave unless she did. He loved her. And being away from her for more than two days at a time hurt his heart. But if he had to, he would runaway and never looked back. And that included leaving her behind.
She was dying on the inside and knew that he would leave her one day. She knew it.
She couldn't deny and say that she didn't love him because she did with all of her heart. But her inexperience and insecurities made her doubt herself and, knowing he was more experienced than her, put herself in a position to be vulnerable.
He had hurt her before with careless words and unwanted touches. He didn't realize it until she told him. But he kept on doing it and she let it keep on happening.
Whenever they fought he'd always try to find a way to get her over to his side saying, "We love each other. This is what people do when they're in love."
He wanted her.
She didn't want it yet. She wasn't ready.
He didn't understand. He never would.
She wanted to yell at him. She wanted to make him understand what he never would. She wanted to make him happy like she was without all the stuff that he wanted to do. If she could do that, they could survive anything.
He was sweet and caring most of the time. He gave her a universe and a half but whenever something bothered him, she could tell. He would give her the silent treatment. He would give her the look that broke her heart. He would give her the smile that was plastered on, thinking that she wouldn't notice. She could always tell. His eyes gave away everything.
It hurt her trying to act oblivious. And she knew that he knew that she was noticing. She knew that he was trying to protect himself. It made her sad that he wouldn't let her in.
He didn't notice it was hurting her. She would mask it up and he never noticed. She tried to make him happy. She wanted him to be genuinely happy.
He was once.
In the beginning, they were inseparable. They would walk down the hallways holding hands only thinking about themselves in their blissful little bubble. But they say each other much more then than they did now and that contributed to that factor. Now, they rarely even saw each other. It had taken its toll on them and she thought they had done a good job of getting over it until he started changing. She always had the thought that he couldn't deal with it, but she always put it into the back of her mind. The way he was acting now confirmed it.
He was depressed.
He'd always been at odds with his parents. They wanted him to be like his older sister - the gorgeous and nice to everyone, flute player. He had always been the handsome and reserved, trumpet player. He would never be like her and he constantly tried to prove that. It frustrated him that they would expect more of him when he gave the best he could and when they would talk down to him when he made a mistake. He fought back but they would never listen.
He would come to her, begging and pleading, to let him take her. She said no. She wouldn't let him. She needed proof that he actually loved her.
He was trapped and didn't have control. He would take his anger out on her without even noticing it. She never thought anything of it knowing it was pent up stress.
She was guessing that he being frustrated with his family and the fact that she wouldn't give in had just pushed him over the edge. She felt guilty, but she couldn't let him go. She had to help him. She had to be his rock.
She couldn't leave him in the condition he was in. She was determined to help him.
She loved him. She told him constantly and he would reply with a lowly, "Love you too." He didn't believe himself, but she believed him. She knew he meant it.
She wanted him to get better.
He had always protected her when some drama was going on with her family. He would put himself in the most awkward of situations just to make sure she was happy. He was putting her before himself and he was fine with that. He would shoot himself in the eye if it meant making her laugh. He was her honorary protector and she wouldn't have it any other way.
But who was going to protect her now?
She could protect herself but without him there it wouldn't be the same. She wouldn't have someone to run to or someone in the back of her mind who knew if she needed help or not. She was alone.
It was her turn to protect him.
She needed to start protecting him. He was in a whole other world with his emotions. They had gotten worse. Now he wasn't even trying to hide it, they just broke away and she was left there to pick up the pieces. She had to put him back together before it was too late. He was irreplaceable. There was nothing that could replace the whole that would develop in her chest if something happened. She had to be strong for him.
He had never been vulnerable before. His demeanor always came off as strong and sturdy, nothing you could ever mess with. His friends would be the only ones to see what he was really like. But even then he was never vulnerable. It was like he built a brick wall around him that not even his closest loved ones could get through. He didn't let anyone in until she came along. She saw all the cracks and bruises. She didn't know what to do. She held her grief and regret in not wanting to let it all out. She didn't want to disappoint him. She didn't want to see a bruise that she had caused.
She was his rock. She couldn't go anywhere. She had to stay with the man that she loved and pick up all of his broken pieces, his bumps and bruises. She knew plenty of them had come from her and she was being selfish by not letting herself think about it. She didn't want to be the cause of his pain. She didn't want to be the cause of the emotional agony. But she was. And she couldn't stop that from happening.
She had pushed him over the edge.
It was her fault.
She was trying to fix her mistakes.
He got worse. Now, if she did something wrong, she knew it. The silent treatments were getting closer together and just pure hate and resentment were coming off of him and it was killing her. She was trying to be his rock, but she couldn't when he was looking down at her all the time. She needed her protector back but she was replaced broken person who was not like he was before.
She didn't know if she could fix it anymore. But she knew she had to. She wouldn't give up.
He needed her more than ever now.
"Hey," she said. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her head in the crook of his neck. "I love you."
He gripped her gripped her waist tighter. "I love you too," he said. He took a step back and smiled.
She wanted that back.
She just wanted everything to go back to the way it was.
She wanted to fix it.