A/N: Okay, so it's my first story here. I'm a little bit scared to publish it, but oh well, let's just try. English isn't my mother language, but I did my best to make this story as the best. If you notice any mistakes here, just let me know, I'll correct it. Hope you'll like it, any reviews are very appreciated.
You are the one, who has to tell her that your mom is dead.
You totally don't know how to do it. You still don't believe what happened, millions contradictory thoughts are crashing in your head. It still doesn't dawn on you that mom is dead, she's really dead, there's a blunt emptiness in your head, you don't know what you're actually feeling, how you should to behave.
You know only one thing - you have to tell Carly.
She sits in the hospital canteen, by the table in the corner. She's alone, a kid among serious adults, but she doesn't look lost. She sits quietly and reads a book. You come up to her on jelly legs. You're nervous, your heart beats irregularly.
"Hey, kiddo," you say, sitting down next to her. She raises her head and looks at you seriously, what's not fitting to her childish, only twelve-year-old face. She isn't so little anymore, but for you she'll always be only a kid.
"Hey," she replies, not closing her book. "How's mommy? Why can't I see her? Does she feel bad again?" She looks at you anxiously and it breaks your heart. You gulp nervously but you can't say a single word.
"Carly..." you begin, there's a emptiness inside your head. You decide just tell her, because you can't do it in other way. "Mom... she passed away."
For a long while Carly looks at you in disbelief. Then she starts to understand. Her chin trembles, tears appear in her eyes. It's a sad view and you feel crying too, but you know you can't.
"But..." Carly whispers. "It's impossible... I talked to her in the morning, she felt good..."
"I can't believe it too," you admit quietly.
Carly is old enough to understand, but it doesn't forbear her from violently cry. She doesn't make scenes, just sits on her place and cries, her tears drip on open book, blurring the ink.
You embrace her and give a big hug, because it's the only thing you can do. You're hopelessly helpless and it depresses you and enrages at once. Carly and you last in silence, trying to manage with this huge pain.
You are the one who runs to her bedroom at night.
Her scream again gets you out of restless, full of nightmares sleep. You jump out of the bed and go to Carly's bedroom unconsciously, still half sleeping. You're alone in home, dad likes better spending another night away from home, drowning his sorrow in alcohol. You disapprove it, but you can understand dad.
Carly wriggles on the bed, screaming loud and frightening. You run up to her and grab her arms, trying to hold her down.
"Carly, wake up," you say, shaking her gently. She opens her eyes with muffled yell. She looks at you unconsciously, tears stream down on her face. "Everything is okay, I'm here", you say softly, swaying her in your arms, when she clings to you and weep spasmodically. You pity her so much, you want to take her pain away, but you can't, you're too inefficient.
"I miss mommy," confesses Carly, wetting with tears your T-shirt. "Why did she die? People beats cancer, why she couldn't beat it too?" she asks.
You ask yourself about it every night, when you're trying to fall asleep. You also suffer, you miss mom like nobody else in the world. She was the one who always supported you, she was with you when you made a statement that you're dropping out the law school to be an artist. Now you're alone, you take over from mum. Sometimes you think it's unfair that everyone can mourn obviously, when you're the only one who cares about house and other mindane things, making the best of a bad job. But you can't do otherwise, you can't just leave it all.
"You know," you say softly, "maybe in heaven they concluded that mom is so special, so they wanted her earlier." You know it's a nonsense, but for Carly it's enough. She still believes in heaven, you stopped to believe in anything a long time ago.
"I wish mommy back," says Carly, a little bit calmer already.
"Me too, kid, me too," you respond.
You are the one who wants to raise her.
Dad and grandad look at you with the same face expression - mix of surprising and disdain.
"Are you crazy?" they ask at the same time and ignore you.
But you fight. You do everything you can to take care of Carly. You don't want to permit grandad to take her to Yakima. You can stand even a suit and court, which remind you of that damn law school. Carly observes you and keep her fingers crossed for you - she's your driving force. If she wasn't tell you she wants to live with you, you wouldn't strive for it so much.
Dad concludes that he doesn't care who will raise Carly and leaves to the military base. You nurse a grievance that he gives up so easily. Despite it grandad fights even more fiercely, trying to take care of Carly. Your relationship with grandad impairs much, but if it's a price for custody of Carly, you can pay it. It isn't a easy fight, but the first time in your life you don't give up when it's getting harder and you behave like an adult.
"And what, and what?" Carly runs out to meet you, as soon you enter the house. She's worried and nervous. "How was it? Say something!"
"You better be polite," you say unable to refrain from sly smile, "because you're talking to your official legal guardian."
Carly squeals of happiness and throws her arms around your neck. You think it's worth all this fight.
You are the irresponsible one.
After months of fight you have to start everything again. You are responsible... sometimes. When you don't set something on fire or aren't stuck to one of your sculptures, you're a role model of responsibility. You really do your best, because Carly is all you have and when grandad tells you he takes her to Yakima, you just ignore him. He wouldn't divest you of Carly well knowing that without her nothing makes sense. But then you realize he's serious and you become the irresponsible one again.
You feel nice when Carly takes your side. It makes you laugh when she comes home with fake piercing and colorful highlights on hair, but of course you say she looks amazing and cool, she's only a teenager. Grandad seems to be shocked and disgusted, but you accept Carly despite her appearance and faith.
For a while you believe grandad will let you still take care of Carly. But a moment later you feel a smell of burried chicken and you see the fire flames in the kitchen. And then it becomes obvious to you - you are irresponsible. You hate this word, but it describes you very well.
"I don't want to go to Yakima," Carly says quietly. You two sit in your bedroom. You were in the middle of sketching, while she came - worried, upset, hopeless. "Grandad is so boring."
"I don't want you going to Yakima too," you respond also quietly, "but it'll be better for you."
"You were fighting so much to ability taking care of me and now you just give up?" You can hear disapointment in her voice.
"I'm sorry." It's all you can say. For an almost a year you've deceived you would manage to raise Carly, but now you already know you wouldn't. You let yourself down and you let Carly down, what dispirits you even more. "Be polite in Yakima. It won't be so bad."
When lift's door close and you stay alone, you feel empty. You still see upset Carly's face. And suddenly you realize you've forgotten about the most important thing - her asthma inhalator.
Her inhalator makes that grandad gives you a chance - Carly stays with you. You don't show it, but your relief is unimaginary huge. Your world makes sense again.
You are the one who takes her puberty time down.
"I will go on this fight!" Carly stated insolently.
"No, you won't," you answer calmly.
"Since when you've become uncool?" She looks at you with madness in her eyes.
For the first time you're angry on her. Her despotism annoys you and you wonder why haven't you been an authority for her before. Were you too soft? Maybe. She's only your little sister, cute and innocent. You decide to be more firm and ground her. She takes offence and doesn't talk to you for three days. You feel guilty you've treated her this way and decide don't punish her anymore, even when she sneaks out and goes on this fight.
But you're forced to ground her again when you see this recidivist Griffin kissing her. You're frightened. How can he kiss Carly, your little sister? She's only fourteen, she's far to young to have a boyfriend. You protect her from Griffin, but she - like about that MMA fight - revolts and sneaks out to see Griffin. You're angry on her that she dates this kind of bad boy, but then you notice she really likes him. It hurts you, because Carly is only fourteen and she's your cute baby sister, but you let her dating Griffin, because you see it makes her happy and this is the most important for you.
Maybe you're an idiot, but you're not stupid.
You are the one who is scared about her.
When you see her hanging fourteen floors above ground and she may fall in every second and kill herself, scream of fear comes out from your throat. You're dreaded so much like never before in you life. You grab the line and run to Carly. Probably you've never run so fast - if you usually were so sporty... When the lift drives you to Carly, you almost go up on the walls. You pray to God you don't believe in, begging that Carly wouldn't fall. You don't even want to think about dead Carly, but your imagine shows you some gloomy scenes. It all with dad's and grandad's reactions makes you faint.
That's why when you give her a huge hug after all to make her calmer, you can't breathe because of numbing fear, but also numbing relief. It was so close to lose her. Too close.
You are the one who destroys her sixteenth birthday.
For a week you've planned this day. You want to make all perfectly after her previous birthday, when that goat... Nevermind. You even let almost blind Gibby's grandfather to maneuver around you face with a scissors, although you're not so happy about - you liked your long and fluffy hair. Now you're feeling strange without this warm weight on head, when the wind tickles your nape.
You spend a long hours creating a gummy bears bed lamp. You care about every detail, because this gift must be perfect, like all day. When you hear Carly screaming in her bedroom, you're sure she's delighted. Since morning nothing bad has happened and you're glad this day lasts duly.
"My room is on fire!" Funky Carly appears on stairs. For a while you think she's only joking, but the fear in her eyes is real. Still some shocked and numbed, you broke into a run to get out of the house.
A hour later you stand along fire debris which used to be Carly's bedroom. You see disbelief on her face, her teary eyes and you know your perfect birthday plan went up the spout.
"Do you know what was the fire's reason?" asks Freddie.
"Yes," the fireman answers. "This bed lamp."
It makes you speechless. You thought the fire were only an accident, now dawns on you that all is your fault. You wanted to make Carly's birthday special so much and you screwed everything up. Again. You try to say something, apologize somehow, but whatever you say seems endlessly stupid and without a sense. Pangs of conscience eat you inside and hopeless feel and mad at yourself fill you.
"It's not your fault," says Carly softly and sadly at the night, when both of you can't fall asleep. She sounds like your room burnt because of her. You don't answer, still mad at yourself. Why must you destroy something all the time? You should predict that electricity and you isn't the best combine.
So when this guy from insurance agency, Bob, tells you that you'll get eighty two thousands dollars, you immediately know for what you'll spend them. Of course, there are things which are more worthy to spend so much money, but you don't think about them. You're working hard all day, you all - Sam, Freddie, Gibby and much more people - are working hard, but for you it's the most personal. You let Carly down and through renewing her bedroom you want to reclaim her trust.
Her delighted face is a confirmation that all work you've done was worth spending so much time and money. You're relieved Carly forgave you, but it doesn't even flash through your mind she wasn't mad at you at all.
You are the one who comforts her when dad doesn't come again.
You knock on the door but she doesn't answer. You come in her bedroom anyway. The lights are turned off and in the darkness you notice collapsed figure and you hear sobbing.
"Hey," you say softly, sitting down on the bed. "Don't cry, kid. For sure dad will come next time."
"You always say it and dad always 'has something more important to do', so stop, please." She turns back to you and you see her face shining of tears. "It's his birthday! He promised he would arrive, I prepared everything, I ordered that birthday cake twice... And it all become needless."
"Don't be mad." You caress her hair, but she steps aside.
"I'm not mad," she says. "I just miss him."
Sadness in her voice immediately makes you sad also. You miss dad too, of course, but when he had told you he wouldn't come, you just shrugged. It's nothing new that dad isn't coming, so you weren't expected that Carly would be hurt so much. She worked hard and nothing, for sure she's disapointed. You pity her and want to ride to this military base on Alaska and reason with dad if it would make Carly feeling better. You hate seeing her upset and crying.
"I miss dad too," you say. "I'd like to him come home also, but we don't always get what we want."
Carly look at you, confused. She always gets what she wants, even if you have to deny youself something. But this time you can't make her dreams come true, it doesn't depends of you. For the first time Carly fails and it breaks your hearts, but you know she needs it.
You are the one who protects her.
You don't like this boy, Troy, from the very beginning. Admittedly you're prejudiced against every Carly's crush (although you think after Griffin you've made a huge progress), but when Carly states she's going to bring home foreign guy and in addition they will be here alone, your fears are justified.
"Everything gonna be okay," Carly calms you down. You'd prefer stay in home, but you have to go to fire station. "Troy is only nerdy cute boy. Don't worry," she ensures you and you, although still not convinced, trust her.
You come home few hours later mortified, angry and tired, in addition dirty. Making a fire in fire station is an achievement even for you.
"What happened to you?" asks amazed Carly with a bowl of popcorn in her hand, but you only shake your head. "Nevermind. I have a super hot guy upstairs." She smiles slyly and disappears on stairs.
You decide to get out of your mess. A water with a quiet hiss puts your suddered hair out and brings you a relief. You close eyes with glad, dreaming only about long shower. Suddenly, from upstairs you hear Carly calling your name. You bristle up, Carly runs to living room, scared. Behind her runs this boy, Troy, or however he's called.
"What's going on?" you ask, standing between them.
"He wants to kiss me!" Carly yells behind your back, her voice trembles.
You react immediately. Troy tries to explain, but you don't even listen to him, just twist his arms and kick him out the loft. You're so mad at the boy who made a pass at your sister that when he pleases for giving his phone back, you grab the shovel and crash it.
"Are you okay?" you ask Carly softly. She stands at her place, pale of scare.
"Y-yes," she responds hoarse voice and clings to you. You're swaying her in arms until she calms down. You've known from the beginning that Troy was suspicious and you feel satisfy, which is covered by relief that Carly is safe, though.
You are the one who forgoes for her.
When Audrey calls you, at first you don't believe and then you jump for joy. Of course you don't have any plans for Saturday night. Of course you want to meet. Of course you don't mind having a date on an airport.
You can't believe she gives you the second chance. You screwed everything up few years ago and now you have the possibility to fix it. You care it as hell, because it's Audrey... The only girl who you've ever been in love with, This Special One. You decide to do everything to make her back to you.
Dad doesn't arrive again.
Carly sits on the couch and cries soundlessly, looking like something the cat dragged in. You pity her, knowing how badly she wanted to go to this Air Force father-daughter dance with dad. Carly looks toward wall mindlessly with no hope in eyes. You pity her so much you can't even look at her. And then an idea comes to your head.
At first you don't want to, but you do it to make Carly happy. You take her happiness above yours, but it's not the first and probably not last time. You regret lost chance to meet Audrey, but Carly's happiness is more important.
"When is this dance?" you ask, although you know it very well.
"At Saturday night," she answers, sobbing.
You stand turned back to Carly, clasping hands into fists. You really want to meet Audrey. After she had broken with you, you didn't feel something so strong to any other girl and now you have the only one chance to talk to her. By choosing Carly, you're probably losing the chance of your life, but you can't behave different, so you stick a fake smile on your face and turn to Carly.
"I'm not dad," you say, "but may I take you to the dance at Saturday night?"
You silence Sam probably trying to remind you that you already have plans for Saturday night. She doesn't have to remind you, you remember it too well. Delighted Carly throws her arms around your neck and you feel a bitter taste on you tongue.
You are the one who lets her go.
You can't believe that Carly's leaving to Italy. It's unrealistic for you, especially few hours ago you even didn't know dad would come. When Carly asks you if you don't mind going her to Italy with dad, you obviously don't. What else can you say? Say her she must stay, because you'll miss her? You can't lock her way to happiness. You know she really wants to go to Italy, so you tell her you don't mind. Numbing emptiness fills you inside, but it's not about you, it's about Carly. Everything has always been about Carly.
When she's packing in her bedroom, you don't know what to say. She's really going to Italy, she's really leaving you. You're scared of letting her go so far away, you're scared she won't manage. She's only your little sister and you can't just throw away you fears. You only look at her and when she catches your gaze, her eyes fills with tears.
"Don't," she whispers. "Don't make me cry."
But she doesn't manage to stop tears. You want to cry also, but you restrain, not wanting to make her feel even worse. You hug each other for the last time, not knowing when you'll see again - maybe for a month, two, six, maybe for a year.
When she leaves and you stay alone, you wonder if you prepared her for the adult life properly. You were doing your best even if everyone around found you the irresponsible and dangerous one. With this equipage, equipage of experience and love, you let her go. You don't worry about Carly - she's mature and intelligent young woman and even if something bad happens, you'll still be here anyway.
You grab camera which you turned into a squirrel five years ago and look at it tenderly. When it burns into flames, it only makes you smile.