Sliver of Hope
"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children, because they are more certain they are their own." – Aristotle
Spencer was perched onto the rickety stool of the dingy bar that he had chosen to drown his frustration, confusion, and hurt. The bar was on the outer city limits of Prince William County. He wanted to disappear and stop both the hurt and unanswered questions floating around his virtuosity mind. The amber liquid taunted him as he softly swirled it around in the dark brown bottle. It pleaded to be sipped, drunk, or gulped. It wanted to help him forget.
Sulking and brooding in a dimly lit bar was not Dr. Spencer Reid and he had astutely realized that fact shortly before he had parked in the almost nonexistent parking lot. Yet, at the time, it had seemed a logical choice for him to use alcohol to escape not only what had occurred within the past few weeks, but his entire life. He knew that if he chose what he really wanted to, then what little of his dull and depressing life would waste away. He refused to be under the control of Dilaludid or any other thing that took control away from him.
Spencer sighed as he placed the bottle of untouched beer back on the thick bar counter and gently pushed it away. He was startled when someone spoke from behind and to the left of him.
"I'm proud of you."
"Hotch," Spencer, stated dryly as he realized whom the voice belonged to, "There's nothing to be proud of."
"Nonsense," Hotch chastised as he took one of the empty stools beside Spencer. The gruff bartender, started his way, toward the new arrival, but turned back around at the slight rebuttal of Aaron shaking his head no. "Reid, there is entirely too many things for me to list on why I am proud of you."
"I was about to make a mistake, one that I promised myself and silently you and the team that I'd never do again."
"Reid, we all make mistakes, no one is perfect."
"No, Hotch, you don't understand."
"I understand that you've been under extreme strain the past month. It would be understandable that you would want to,"
Reid angrily interrupted him. "NO, Hotch, it does not make it acceptable for me to get drunker than one of Morgan's barely of age conquests during Spring Break. It does not make it justifiable that I so much want a hit, one tiny hit that will make all of this better, but I know that in actuality that miniscule hit will destroy my life so much more than that of either the death of my schizophrenic mother or the precious love of my life Emily."
The anger in Spencer's voice turned into crackled heartbreak as tears flowed harshly from his brown eyes.
Hotch blinked back his own threatening tears and swallowed the bile that rose up his throat as he thought of the injustice of what had occurred. He knew that everyone on the team was taking Emily's death hard and silently blaming him or herself for what happened, but he had not realized to the extent of what Spencer had felt for Emily. Hotch inwardly cringed at the torment that Spencer must be experiencing. Five weeks ago, Ian Doyle had murdered Emily then a few days after Emily's memorial service, word had reached the team that Diana had passed away in her sleep.
"Spencer," Hotch started to apologize for the harshness of what had occurred, yet once again Reid interrupted him.
"No, don't, I've heard enough condolences and well wishes from everyone including you to last a lifetime. I am not interested in listening to anymore. I am sick of it. I am sick of struggling and hiding. I am sick of being lied to."
"Reid, I have never knowingly lied to you." Hotch truthfully assured.
"No, you haven't, but my mother lied to me." His voice both thickened and cracked as he continued to talk. The nonstop tears that had once been silent turned to soft sobs and sniffles. "Emily lied to me, lied to us all. If she had not of lied then perhaps, she would still be alive, but that is a worthless discussion, because she is gone. There are no what ifs, but only of what could have been. Emily and I could have been happy. I did not get to say goodbye and I did not get to tell her that I loved her in front of you, the team, our family, hell even Strauss." Spencer paused and took a deep choking breath. "I should have fought harder about not keeping our relationship a secret, but now I know that is how she did things. She was never fully honest with anyone and I'm quite sure it had been a long time since she had been honest with herself."
"Reid, I am certain that Emily loved you and she knew that you loved her."
"I know that she loved me, which is not the problem, it is that our family did not know."
"You said that you're mother lied to you?" Hotch redirected the conversation from Emily to Diane.
Hotch received silence. Spencer wiped his tears away with the cuffs of his long sleeved shirt and the look of heartbreak and despair developed into a stony stare that was unaccustomed to be portrayed upon Spencer's facial features.
"How did you find me?" Spencer finally spoke as if shutting that part of the conversation off. "I turned my cell phone, blackberry, and GPS system off."
"Reid, you should know by now that when Penelope sets her mind on something there is no stopping her."
Through his turbulent emotions, he cracked a small quirk of a smile "How'd she find me?"
"You forgot to turn off the inner GPS that all government issued vehicles have."
"I should have known." He chuckled bittersweet. "After all these years, you'd think that I would stop being amazed by what Pen can do or find."
"I don't think there will ever be a day, when Garcia does not, not amaze me. She's unique."
"She is." Hotch agreed.
"I know." Spencer replied in a tone that relayed a different meaning of that he knew that she was unique. He then added. "Pen glows when she speaks about or sees you."
An awkward and uncomfortable silence stretched between the two before Hotch spoke breaking it.
"Just as the entire team knew that you and Emily started dating last May." Hotch paused, when the impact of what was just said resonated with Spencer, Hotch continued. "Reid, I'm sorry that you didn't know that the team knew about you and Emily. Perhaps I should have let it be known that at least I knew. If it helps you any, Strauss knew about the two of you as well and did nothing to stop it, Ambassador Prentiss spoke to her."
"Ambass," Spencer paused choked on the meaning behind how Ambassador Prentiss had found out. Spencer cleared his throat then continued. "Emily told her mother about us?"
"I perceive so, yes." Hotch answered.
Another stretch of silence passed between the two men yet it was neither awkward or uncomfortable, far from it, it was a silence that needed no explanation between two friends with understanding of one another.
Spencer spoke slowly as if it would be easier to stop speaking if the inclination arose. "My mother lied to me and William."
"William?" Hotch asked perplexed.
"The man that I thought was my father." Spencer answered clearly rankled with the admission.
"You're mother lied to you about the identity of your father?" Hotch asked in order to determine whether or not he understood correctly.
"Yes."
"How do you know that she lied to you?"
"Her attorney had two letters that she wrote before she succumbed to her schizophrenia."
"What did those letters entail?"
"One was for my fath, uh, William, and the other was mine." Spencer confessed. "I'm not sure what he's read, but in mine she states that I'm not William's child, and she apologizes for betraying my trust. She stated that it was her and mine best option for her to let William claim me as his. William verified that I am not his biological son. He claims that my mother was pregnant with me when they met."
"Did she reveal who you're biological father is?"
"She wrote of him a little and said that she called him Ace, but she left no solid identity." He paused. "Now I know why it was so easy for William to leave us, because we weren't actually his to begin with."
"Reid." Hotch paused as if unsure whether this address would be appropriate after what he had just learned.
"It's okay," Spencer pacified. "Regardless of whether or not, I share the same DNA make up as William, I spent too many years hating him as my absent father." He shrugged then attempted to joke. "Any way, it would cost too much time and trouble to change my name on all of my credentials."
"Reid," Hotch said in a tone that relayed that the joke was neither appreciated nor humorous. "If you'd like to find out who your biological father is, on behalf of myself and Penelope, we will help you. I am certain that Rossi, Morgan, and Seaver would be honored to help investigate."
"I appreciate it, Hotch, but I think I'll pass on that for now. I do not think I would be able to handle that on top of everything else. I'm almost to my breaking point."
"I won't let you get that far." Hotch vowed.
Spencer cleared his throat then rather hesitantly asked. "Hotch, how did you?" Reid paused as if second-guessing the question that he had wanted to know the answer to.
"Yes?" Hotch prompted him to continue onward with his question.
"Please, do not take this out of context, but how did you let yourself heal and move on after Haley's murder?"
Hotch blinked and his mouth formed a tight white line.
"I'm sor," Reid attempted to apologize, but Hotch interrupted him.
"No, Reid, don't, it wasn't your fault for what happened, nor is it your fault for wanting to know the answer. You think that by learning how I dealt with Haley's murder then perhaps you think you can do it too, but Spencer, I have not healed, and to be perfectly honest, I do not think I ever will be completely healed." He paused when Spencer flinched. Hotch continued after a moment. "Do not let that discourage you, because I have forgiven myself. I have let myself move on from the heartbreak and injustice of both the divorce and Haley's murder, I let myself be bedazzled by Penelope and I let myself fall in love with her, but that doesn't mean that I've forgotten Haley or that I do not love Haley just as strongly as I did the day I married her."
"How can you still love Haley, but love Penelope just as much?" Spencer asked completely confused on the concept of loving more than one person just as deeply.
"The love is different. I love them for the same reasons, but entirely different reasons at the same time, but that does not mean that I love either of them more or less. It's just different. I'm sure that in the future that you'll find your another chance of what could be and it will be everything that you had hoped for."
"What helped you come to this realization?" Spencer asked then elaborated. "How did you know that you were ready to move on."
"Spencer, I know that you're hurting and confused and angry as hell and you want answers, but what worked for me, might not work for you. We different people and we loved different people and in different ways. There just isn't one solution and there is no quick one."
"I'm just curious, Hotch," He confessed. "I know that what you're saying is correct, but I need a sliver of a hope to know that these feelings won't always be this intense," Spencer wiped away tears that he had not realized had fallen. "How you knew that you were ready to try to move on, and how did you know that you ready to do it with Garcia?"
"My relationship with Garcia is a continuous work in progress that I am not comfortable to place under a microscope just yet, however I will say that I did not know. I took a chance that could have destroyed both the team and my career, but I only took that chance, because she took one several months ago, after that gruesome case in Chicago."
Spencer processed and reprocessed what both he and Hotch had discussed, he placed his right hand on Hotch's shoulder and said. "Thank you, Hotch, you've given me hope that one day, even though it won't be perfect or possibly near, I can stand strong and move on without leaving it all."
Hotch returned the half unsure hug and pulled him into a comforting one. When Reid stepped away from the hug, Hotch smiled sadly. "I'm proud of you for not succumbing to your demons. You were standing strong before you realized I was here. Reid, remember that to be strong, one must be tempted to be weak, yet walk away stronger than before the temptation."