My Theory on Mothers

I had finally finished up all my paperwork, no easy feat considering we'd had 3 suspicious deaths in that week. I was late getting home, and, as predicted, had an answering machine message from Mum.

"Where are you? I hope you're not working overtime again. I needed to talk to you about cousin Julie's wedding. Call me back, love you."

I glanced at the clock. 9. She'd be going to bed soon. I knew I had to phone her back, but I really didn't want to. It felt a bit like getting up in the morning, knowing that there's a snooze button right there and you can touch it and you can sleep, but at the same time knowing that, if you did decide to press it, you'd get a bollocking from work and it wasn't really worth it. My mother was work in this situation.

Cousin Julie was my Mum's brother's youngest child. The other 3 had already married (I think one of them had actually already managed a divorce and second marriage) and now that the fourth was being sent on her way, Mum seemed to enjoy constantly reminding me that all 4 cousins were younger than me and that Uncle John had 4 grandchildren. I don't think anyone has ever been as jealous about anything as Mum is about John's family.

"Hi Mum," After a long internal battle, I'd finally picked up the phone and dialled, she answered immediately. I wondered if she had been sat next to the phone.

"Hello darling, did you get my message?"

"Yes, it's why I called," I suddenly thought this might sound a little mean. "Well, not the only reason, of course, I...how was your week?"

"Oh, you know, same old, same old,"

"I thought you were visiting Margret for a few nights?" It was all she had talked about last week, and the week before, and the week before, and the...you get the picture.

"Oh, she had the flu, and I didn't fancy being ill for Julie's wedding, so we've rescheduled. Talking of Julie's wedding," It amazed me that, no matter how much I tried to change the subject, my mother always managed to get straight back into it. It came naturally to her, I think, although I swear she has gotten better with age. "She needs to know if you're bringing a plus one,"

"Mum, I've told you I..."

"I know, sweetie, just hear me out. You will be the only single man there, all her friends are married, all his friends are married," I seriously doubted these statements, but I couldn't be bothered arguing with her. "I know you don't have a girlfriend, but maybe you could find a nice girl to bring, it would be a lovely ice breaker." How my mother thought asking a stranger to come sleep in the same bed as me at some hotel for a weekend as our first date, was an ice breaker, is beyond me. "I don't understand why you have so much trouble with women anyway, it's not like you're ugly, maybe you should tone down the sarcasm a little bit."

"I have a girlfriend." Lie number 1. Don't hate me too much. You'd have done the same in my situation. I would like to say I lied because I felt sorry for her and wanted to make her feel better, which in part is true, but mostly I just wanted her off my back. I heard her intake of breath and could imagine the look of pure joy and confusion that would be etched across her face.

"Since when?"

"A few months."

"And you didn't think to mention this when I wa..."

"I just don't think I should invite her."

"Why not?"

"We've never really been on a...weekend away. Having our first one at my cousin's wedding seems a little..." I was really glad this was an over the phone conversation. I'd have to practice more if I was ever going to lie to her face convincingly. "Anyway, asking her to meet my whole family before she's even met you is..."

"It's wonderful!" I had dug myself into a hole. A large, deep, black hole in a field covered in manure. "What's her name? What's she like?"

"Erm...Mum, I'm actually meant to be meeting her now, so I'll phone you another time," I found myself praying that she'd, for once, accept my excuse.

"Oh, am I making you late? Silly me. Well, I'll put you down for plus one! Have a lovely time,"

"Will do,"

"Goodbye,"

"Bye."

I found it ironic that I said I had a girlfriend to get my Mum off my back, thus making my life easier. I realised I had made it an awful lot harder. In future, I decided, I would stop bothering about trying to please her.

Mothers. The world would be a much better place without them. Distinctly lacking in population though. Maybe we should just allow a child to be born and remove it from its mother immediately. They cause so much more fuss than they're worth.