AN: Hi, long time no see my fellow Sirius/James shippers! I'm sorry I haven't been around a lot lately but my life is just everywhere and I rarely have time to write. I am re-writing this fic because, after re-reading the original I realised it was pretty awful and needed serious sorting out. I hope you enjoy this one better, thanks.

He Can Never Truly Be Yours

(Re-write)

Hidden in the shadows he could see everything, he could see his hands curled above her waist, he could see the tension in his fingers as they tightened on her robes and he could see the small, satisfied grin on his lips even as they kissed. Sirius watched and absorbed the searing agony that came with seeing his best friend wrapped around another. Slowly he released his pent up breath in a near-silent sigh, he turned away, shutting the scene from his sight by closing his eyes as he moved away from the kissing couple. He should have seen it coming, after all, they had been dancing around each other for years now, it was inevitable but perhaps he was far more stupid than his parents said he was, perhaps he had allowed his love to blind himself to the facts. James Potter was in love with Lily Evans, there was no room in his heart for two people.

XXX

It had begun the year before, Sirius and James had been drinking alone in the Potter's house and enjoying the laughter and friendly company when they had somehow got onto the subject of romance.

"So, where's Moony tonight? Didn't you invite him?" Sirius asked James as he carefully poured himself another glass of firewhiskey.

"Yeah, I invited the little bastard but he said he had a date so he couldn't make it." James replied sulkily. "I feel like i'm the only one who isn't getting laid! It's a sad place to be, man."

"What about Pete? Surely he-"

James snorted, cutting Sirius off mid sentence and sending him a devious smirk that sent Sirius' heart into overdrive. "You remember that time we had that sleep over?"

Sirius smiled reminiscently, leaning back against the sofa on which he lay as he ran a finger around the lip of his glass. "Ah yes, the night we turned Peter into a squirrel. That was good, that was."

"Yeah, well, his mother decided we were a bad influence on her poor son and decided it was best we never see him. Just goes to show how much she knows him, I doubt he's even told her we share a dorm, poor bloke."

"That's what happens when you molly coddle people, they try and break free. Peter's obviously feeling stifled by her and is doing everything he can to keep her at a distance. Ah well, at least she gives a shit." Sirius' face fell into a brooding frown as he gazed darkly into the flickering flames in the fire place, James watched him for a moment, the light and shadows dancing over his handsome features. After a second or so he shook himself mentally and sat forward, putting a hand on Sirius' shoulder and squeezing briefly before releasing him.

"It's all right, Sirius, you know you can talk to me, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm just...not ready yet." Sirius turned his head and smiled softly at his best friend. "Just know that i'm grateful to you for taking me in."

"I'd do it all over again, you know that." James replied softly, returning Sirius' smile before downing his drink and refilling Sirius' glass. "Hey, did you hear that Lily broke up with that Stan bloke?" He said, trying and failing to sound casual. Sirius chuckled and shook his head. "Yeah, apparently it was quite messy. He was a control freak, according to Mary McDonald and Lily hated it. He's still chasing her too, although he ends up getting hexed." He laughed softly to himself and missed Sirius' smile slip slightly. By the time he had returned his eyes to his friend Sirius' grin was back in place. "So, you had anyone ask you out recently?"

"You know I have. Every single fucking day." Sirius grimaced. "Always girls, I'm getting so bored of it now. I swear every homosexual in Hogwarts left the year I started. It's like they don't even exist! All the cute guys are straighter than rulers, it's no fun."

"I feel your pain. Here, drink up." James leaned over and pushed Sirius' glass to his lips, it took him a second to realise how close they were and when his eyes met Sirius' he felt a strange swooping sensation in his gut, as if he had missed a step on a stair case. He swallowed, his throat suddenly as dry as a desert, his hand shook ever so slightly as he slowly drew away and averted his gaze, hoping against hope that the blush he could feel burning his cheeks wasn't obvious. "So, er-"

"I haven't had a decent fuck since summer." Sirius muttered, his voice tight. His shoulders were tense as he gazed at James with penetrating grey eyes that were narrowed slightly, as if gauging James' reaction.

"Oh, look at that, we've nearly finished Dad's whiskey...I'll just go and-" James was about to stand and go to get a fresh bottle when a hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him roughly back down again, he gasped and looked up as his empty glass fell from limp fingers and rolled away beneath the coffee table. He stared at Sirius who's eyes were burning with a strange ferocity that made every hair on his body stand on end. "Sirius...What's wrong?"

"I-" Sirius cleared his throat, his fingers relaxing on James' wrist a little, but he didn't let him go. "I was er...thinking that maybe we could...you know, help each other out a bit...if you get what I'm saying?" His voice dropped and he lowered his eyes, staring at the red ring his fingers had caused around James' wrist. He cleared his throat again awkwardly, allowing his eyes to flick upwards briefly. "I mean, if you want to..."

"I-I...I don't-what are you-is that-Sirius I-" James muttered himself into silence before taking a slow, deep breath and removing his hand from Sirius' grip. "Come on, I reckon it's time for bed. Mum and Dad'll be back soon." He whispered and turned his back on his best friend, as he picked up his fallen glass he could feel those piercing grey eyes boring into the small of his back, it was like an itch that he couldn't scratch.

That night he lay down on his bed, his senses heightened to the extreme as he listened to Sirius on the camp bed on his floor. He lay still, listening intently and frowning into the darkness. His skin tingled where Sirius had grabbed him and he could clearly remember the hardness in his eyes as he had suggested they shag. It was silly really, James was straight, he was certain of it and yet, yet there was a part of him that was surprisingly curious to know what it would be like. As he fell into a fitful sleep that night he was plagued by dreams of grey eyes and pitch black hair and wicked smiles.

XXX

When James and Sirius returned to school after the Christmas holidays they discovered that there was a strange tension between them. Something had changed since their conversation and Sirius found that he was barely able to look James in the eye, he felt both embarrassed and eager at the same time. Something in the way James looked at him now stirred a new, bright feeling within him, was it hope? He wasn't sure but he didn't like to get his hopes up. James found himself spending long moments dwelling on Sirius, he would catch himself remembering his smile, or find his eyes moving to his lips and throat when they spoke to each other, it strange and confusing so James attempted to put a little distance between himself and his best friend in the hopes that these feelings would disperse. Unfortunately Remus and Peter noticed the awkwardness between the two of them and attempted to find out what was bothering them.

"Did something happen over the holidays that I should be aware of, James?" Remus asked one day, sitting down uninvited by James' side in the library where he was frowning over a huge book.

James pushed his glasses further up onto his nose and cleared his throat. "No. It was a normal holiday, why?"

"Oh, just that there's something going on between you and Sirius, you've barely spoken to each other for ages. Peter's worried." Remus replied casually, sending James a look that told him he should spill the truth.

"It's nothing, I promise!" James insisted, smiling a little but failing to reassure Remus who merely hummed and began pulling out his books.

"Ugh, this essay set by Slughorn is a lot of work...Let me take a look at your notes a minute, I think I may have missed something." Remus held out his hand without looking at James, his eyes glued to the page before him as James put his notes into his outstretched palm. "Thank you." He muttered and settled down to work.

"Sirius! Sirius I need help!" Peter ran through the common room and halted before Sirius who was lounging on one of the comfy arm chairs by the fire and reading a massive, ancient book.

"Hold it!" Sirius held up a hand, stalling Peter before he could start talking again. "And now I'm done. What is it?" He looked up, arching an eyebrow and waiting for Peter to elaborate.

"I need to finish my charms work but I still can't do a silent spell to save my life, can you help me?" Peter's voice rose in panic, he wrung his hands and gazed at Sirius who regarded him coolly for a moment.

"Yeah, of course. What are you struggling with?" Peter sighed in relief and plopped down into the chair beside his friend.

As they sat beside each other and Sirius started to explain how Silent spells worked Peter looked up nervously. "Hey, are you and James ok?"

"Yeah, why?" Sirius asked stiffly, reaching out and shuffling a few bits of parchment that scattered his chair in an attempt to avoid looking at Peter.

"Well, it's just...you two have hardly hung around each other since we got back from Christmas holidays and Remus and I are...well...we're worried."

"It's nothing, we're fine, Peter. Right, now, you remember what I told you about concentration?"

Peter let the subject drop with a sigh and began trying to learn how to do a silent summoning charm.

XXX

"Aaaaaand GRYFFINDOR WIN! 100 to Zero! Potter's on FIRE!"

Sirius stood with his class mates, screaming and clapping and grinning as he grabbed Remus and yanked him into a tight embrace as James flew low over their heads in a lap of honour. He ran with Remus and Peter onto the pitch, overtaking them easily as he flew at James, knocking him to the floor the second he landed. They landed in a tangle of limbs and messy hair, gold, crimson and black all tied together as Sirius laughed and kissed James on the forehead. James flushed brightly but grinned despite his embarrassment. "YOU WON YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!" Sirius screamed as they were joined by the rest of the house, they were engulfed and James was yanked roughly from Sirius' grasp who let him go reluctantly and struggled to his feet as James was lifted high into the air.

The changing rooms were quiet as James quickly removed his gloves and began to slip his robes over his head as well. The door opened with a creak and James turned to see Sirius standing behind him and smirking, his arms folded across his chest and his Gryffindor scarf tied around his waist as he always wore it at matches. "Hey, nice arse, Potter."

James flushed brightly again, turning his back on Sirius and giving him a proper view of his arse. "Fuck off, Black, bloody perv."

"You love it." Sirius replied confidently as he entered the room and looked around with vague interest. "Where are the others?"

"Common room, celebrating I suspect."

"Ah, I see. Why aren't you with them?"

"Because I-" James paused, unwilling to admit that he had hung back on purpose to meet up with Sirius alone. "I wanted to er...clear up a bit." He waved a hand vaguely at the board he used to draw up tactics.

"Ok, need help?"

"Yeah, thanks." James turned and smiled at Sirius over his shoulder, he was now naked from the waist up and he watched Sirius' eyes flick over his body, his gaze burnt like the flames of hell but it was almost pleasant.

Sirius had seen James naked numerous times but this time there was something different, he could see how slowly James was moving as he picked up his school robes and slipped them over his head. He watched avidly as James' muscles moved, he enjoyed the way James was blushing almost as if he too were slightly turned on by the experience. Finally Sirius forced his eyes away and began picking up bits of stuff that lay scattered over the floor from the Gryffindor team, he tried to ignore James as he worked but it was exceedingly difficult. Finally the room was clear and James was dressed, Sirius stood by the door when James walked over to him, they smiled at each other but as Sirius made to move out the door he felt James' hand slide into his own and he was pushed a little too roughly into the wall. His eyes widened briefly as James moved into his personal space, a determined frown on his face. Without explanation James leaned in and pressed his lips to Sirius', the kiss was fast and sweet and somehow made Sirius' knees go weak. James pulled away, avoiding Sirius' gaze, he released him and stepped out the door, swinging his cloak around his shoulders.

"Come on, they'll be waiting for us." He croaked and left Sirius standing as still as a statue with his fingers touching the place James' lips had been seconds before.

Sirius blinked, trying to clear his head as he attempted to come to terms with what had just happened, after a second he opened his mouth and ran into the slightly windy grounds after James' retreating back. "JAMIE! OI! JAMES POTTER!" He shouted, running to catch up with him. When he reached his side he grabbed him and spun him around. "What did that mean?" He gasped, eyes wide in his pale face as he eagerly searched James' face for some clue as to what was going on in his head.

James averted his eyes and shifted nervously, his hand fiddled with his sleeve as he frowned up at the castle. "I...I dunno...It just kind of...felt right. Sorry." He mumbled.

"But...but was it serious? Jamie, I have to know..."

"Look, Sirius, just leave it, alright?"

"But-"

"Please." James pulled away, his face twisted a little in confusion. "I don't know what it meant because I don't know what I want! I just...I need some space." He walked away leaving Sirius standing in his wake and looking lost and confused.