Full Title:Aimer une Mémoire (thank you to Qoheleth for the correction)
Full Summary: Even, after all this time, it just takes a single careless phrase or a stray thought. In that time, she remembers it all- days in the sun, sweet smiles of joy, laughter of shared sibling rivalry. Does she miss it? Yes. Does she regret everything that created her, gave her the life she had now? No. But, she still wishes that she could turn back time, and change what happened in the past. Ziva remembers her childhood in Israel.
Dedication: pirate-princess1. She told me, "Ziva-Ari brother-sister fic, maybe with a little Tali. Something adorable, or maybe angsty and that may make me cry." So here we go, something sweet and sober, angsty and adverse when it comes to canon, but damn I hope it turned out okay.
A/N-1: Ziva uses contractions, because she's talking in her native language the entire time. And if any of them see OOC, they were young back then, okay? And I'm not really satisfied with how this turned out… but…
A melody, a memory, or just one picture.
"Seize the Day" -–Avenged Sevenfold
She had stood there, holding a gun that she just wished would shake in her hands, even as she nodded and turned away, her half-brother dead at her feet.
She had walked away from a life with the one family member she had left- her father- and had disowned herself, not looking back, and refusing to run back to him like she had always wanted to do.
She had stood there, with clenched fists, and a shaking body, and wanted to hit someone, to shoot someone, to send her fist crashing into someone's throat, but she couldn't, because her sister was dead.
Still, she refused to take the time to sit with the memories, and to let them settle in her mind, all the pain, all the sadness, all the happiness, she had let herself push it away after she realized that it would break her down if she continued to dwell on it. At first, she didn't realize it, but eventually, they began to surge forward, leaking through the cracks when she was trapped, chained to a chair, in a hostile territory.
"Tell me everything you know about NCIS."
The sentence hadn't made Ziva recall the agency she worked for, not at first anyway. Instead, it brought to mind her first true mission with NCIS.
The gunshot rippled through the basement, and the silver-haired agent looked up at her and nodded as her half-brother fell limply to the ground, dead.
Dead by his own sister.
Dead by a bullet that had been fired on orders, and on instinct.
Her fault.
Ziva leaned back, tilting her chair. It was late, and no one was at the agency. The former Mossad agent let out a trembling sigh, and laid her head in her hands. For a second, her breathing hitched, and she let out a hiss of harsh breath that would have seemed more of a sob to any listeners. In that second, she was back in the hot desert, with laugher filling her ears.
"Come on, Ziva!" two bright brown eyes, the color of coffee blended with ample cream and sugar, stared at her. Her sister always ran as if on sugar, her smile covering the expanse of her face. "You told me that you'd play tag with me!"
She glanced over at the hopeful face in front of her, and gave a quiet laugh. "Then you're it, Tali!" she laughed, and took off running, digging her bare feet into the warm sand, mindful of any sign of poisonous snakes. However, after a while, speed overtook caution and she practically flew over the desert, hearing the shout of her furious sister behind her.
"Ziva!" she squealed, her bright laugh following Ziva through the desert.
She shook her head, not even noticing that she was crying until she sniffed. Ziva shook the tears away angrily- wiping them away with a slightly shaking hand.
"Don't cry," a raised eyebrow met his statement, and Ari shook his head as he stared at his sister who was furiously clinging to him, her fists tangled in his shirt.
"But you're leaving!" Ziva told him, his throat choking.
Ari gave a small, but bitter laugh. "It is for our mother country." He began patiently. "You know that all of us have to serve in the forces when we come of age." He told her. "I'll survive the mandatory years- and you'll join me in Mossad, right?"
"So you're following our father to Mossad," Ziva murmured. "Then I'll follow you into there too! I'll make both of you proud!"
Ari gave a low chuckle, running a finger along her chin. He lifted her face with the one finger, and she met his eyes with a stone cold expression. "Then stop crying Ziva," his eyes turned more amused when she continued to glare at him. "Mossad agents don't cry."
Ziva looked up at him, her eyes so full of trust that he almost took back everything he said. He could make her any promise that came to mind, but he knew that they might prove false. He might break any of them with a sloppy moment, a moment of distraction, a time of inattention. "Shalom, Ziva," he told her earnestly, and turned on his heel, pulling away from her.
Ziva watched him go, her eyes still full of unwavering trust and she wiped away tears, a small laugh coming out of her. "Shalom, Ari!" she called after him, her voice full of faked levity.
Ziva glanced at the glowing light of her computer screen, and gave a cold laugh.
I am not Mossad anymore. So can I still cry?
Ziva slowly opened the folder that she had saved on her flashdrive. She flipped through the folders, each of them giving her another recollection.
A jumble of memories, that had blurred together with time.
"Ziva, when is Ari coming home?" Tali's mocha eyes glanced at her, her lip sore from gnawing on it for so long.
"Hey Ziva," Ari's voice came over the phone. "Father may have told you already," he began, and gave a small laugh. "I guess I should call him Director David, shouldn't I? After all, I am the newest Mossad agent."
She felt warm arms embrace her, and her body shook. "Tali… is dead?"
"Congratulations. You are no longer Ziva David. From this point onward, you are Officer Ziva David, Mossad." She saw the pride in her father's eyes as she held his gaze. He looked as happy as the stotic man ever did, and her heart seemed buoyant as he nodded his head, the smile still tugging at his lips. "Welcome to Mossad."
He met her smug smile, and pulled her close for a hug. "Congrats, little sis." She laughed, and looked up at him. "Thanks Ari."
Ziva hastily yanked out the flashdrive, and put her head in her hands again. Why did the memories still chase after her, bittersweet and echoing to the last? They were there- echoing haunts.
"We gather here today, to lay at rest the departed soul of Tali David-"
That was one memory she wasn't going to be exploring. She heard the echoes of too many funerals in her dreams- Jenny Sheppard, her sister, her mother, her half-brother's. The last of the three, she had just snuck in to hear it, but the second that his corpse was laid to rest, she vanished, not wanting anyone to know that she had attended.
Ziva calmly pressed the shut down button and watched the screen blink out to a lightless black. She shook her head, and let out a breath of air, allowing herself to sit in the dark for a few moments.
Long after her eyes had grown used to the dark, and her eyes were growing heavy, she stood and walked over to the window.
"Look! It's Gemini!" Tali laughed and pointed, and Ziva sighed.
"I noticed. It's the third time you pointed it out," she said dryly, noticing the look of annoyance on her younger sister's face.
"Yeah, but isn't it weird? Something so far away can still be seen!" Tali laughed again, and grabbed Ziva's hand. "Besides, at least I recognize the constellations."
"I know where they are," Ziva protested, but Tali just shook her head and laughed again.
"You sure about that? Where is the Big Dipper?" when Ziva remained silent, her little sister nudged her in the ribs. "Go on, point it out."
"I never said I knew all the constellations," Ziva told her in the 'I'm the older sister, so shut up' tone that she was licensed to use.
"Everyone knows where the Big Dipper is!" Tali snorted, then added, "Well, everyone but you."
Ziva placed a palm on the glass, looking at the stars for the moment. Instead of dwelling in such dangerous territory, she turned around and walked into the elevator, the bell sounding as the doors closed.
"Ziva?" Ari asked, and she turned her head lazily towards him. "Promise you won't hate me, no matter what happens."
He looked so desperate, that she almost promised unconditionally. Then she asked the immediate question that came to mind, "Why?"
His eyes looked full of pain, pain that made her wonder what had happened when he quarreled with NCIS. She had heard little details- just that there had been shots fired. Ari had disappeared for a while after his return, and Ziva was hesitant to promise anything he asked.
"Just… promise me," he said again, and Ziva exhaled in a huff of air.
He hadn't seemed so troubled, so alive in such a long time. She knew his psychological problems, that he needed adrenaline to feel alive, to feel emotion. But she also knew that there was so much more to him than anyone had thought for a long time.
His eyes looked so pain filled, so troubled, and so broken that she found the words slipping through her lips.
"I promise Ari," she swore.
The next day, he went back to the states.
Months later, she shot him, turned away from his body, and walked away, not sure what she felt in her heart.
The doors opened with a small whoosh of air, and she walked through the deserted parking lot, opening her car door and slamming it in fury. She started her engine, and sat there, allowing it to idle for a while.
"Ziva," his voice came over the phone, as warm as it ever got.
"Shalom, Ari," she said, her voice only holding a trace of the warmth and lightness that she was feeling. She was Mossad, after all, and it wouldn't do for him to realize just how hard she had been finding the training lately.
"I will be returning to Israel shortly. I heard the news that you completed your first mission. Congratulations," he told her, his voice warm.
"Thank you, Ari," Ziva whispered. He didn't know how much his approval comforted her.
"I will see you in a week or two," he promised, "Shalom Ziva."
"Shalom," she told him, as the phone clicked dead. For a second, she just stared at it, conflicted by the thoughts running through her head. She was dedicated to her country, yes, but… was joining Mossad the right thing? Was dedicating her life to such an organization correct?
She hadn't thought she would have any doubts about it, but then again, Ari never seemed to have those doubts.
Ziva wasn't Ari though. She could never be. Ari was fierce, capable, intelligent.
No, Ziva could never be Ari.
The car hummed under her as she gently pulled it through the parking garage, bidding the security guard a good-night. She drove the car quickly, as she always did. When she reached her apartment, she leaned against the car, still aware of her surroundings, but still trapped in memories.
Tali glanced at the two of them. Ziva noticed her gaze and followed it to her brother by her side.
"No matter what," Tali chirped. "Since we could die any day," she began, and jumped away when Ziva gave her a gentle kick. "We're not going to forget each other, right?"
Ari was the first to nod, and Ziva did the same, whispering a handful of words, both in the past, and in the present.
She leaned across her car, in the dead of the night, and repeated the words she had said what seemed like decades ago.
"Right, Tali. We won't ever forget."
She mouthed the words, not wanting the sound to escape the last sentence, the one that was a promise to her family.
I'll live out a life for the three of us.
A/N-2
I almost put Gibbs in there at the end, and decided to leave it be. On a side note, did anyone else see that biography thing about Mark Harmon on the biography channel? Or have you guys been watching 'Dear Abby' week.
Review please?