I Don't Love You, But I Always Will
Just a short story COMPLETELY based of this AMAZING video on youtube: /watch?v=ar5s_bdiI34
This BEAUTIFUL song gave me lots of inspiration, and the ideas for the expansion of feelings and a history to the story etc: /watch?v=WfzRlcnq_c0
I would DEFINETLY recommend you go watch both those things! ;)
So yeah … short little AU moment – there is no grand story behind it, only the song and the general feelings I got from it, and how it could relate to Mergana.
The songwriter has this to say about love:
"Love - … while it can be the thing that destroys you, it can also be the very same thing that beckons and builds you. … what a tug and pull our individual relationships can be. The longer you know someone - and the longer you allow someone to know you - the more the light and shadows inside each person become more vivid. This song was our attempt at being as brutally honest about the dangerous and beautiful process of knowing and being known." - which I thought was a very beautiful and fitting quote to put up here with this story! :)
(as a side note … yes I did just invent the word 'unsupressable' – if there is a word which means exactly the same thing like "insupressable" then do let me know. I tried the thesaurus, but there isn't another word which means exactly the same thing. So, I know I'm no literary genius, but I'm doing a Shakespeare on you … deal with it! ;) lol)
Morgana stood on the shore of the lake, the end of her dress just touching the waters edge, as the small tide slowly moved up and down, teasing her to walk out into the deep water. She closed her eyes for a moment, still a little afraid and unsure. After all this time, all these years of planning and searching, now she was finally here, with the chance to actually make it happen, make her one deepest, truest desire come true … she was afraid. She couldn't help it, she had always been at war with her feelings for him, and now as she stood, waiting for the feeling about which decision was obviously the right one, she wasn't sure anymore. Could she does this? Should she does this?
A streak of lightening flashed across the sky, reflected in the clouds as they lit up again and again, and a second later thunder clashed, a deep and prolonged rumble which shook Morgana to the core. The sound was so loud it drowned out everything else, even her own thoughts, as she stood there, wavering, still a little indecisive about whether she should go through with this or not. But then, it had always been a conflict, from the very first moment they'd met. The man she never even knew she wanted, was the man she needed more than anything. And yet he was the one thing she could never have. Their paths in life, their destinies, were always headed for different directions, despite their similarities, the deep secret they shared. And yet they were entwined forever. It was a love which they could never have, but both needed. He was so kind, and yet had hurt her so terribly, so many times. She was so cold and callous now, but inside, she was still that young girl who craved only his affections and care.
The impact his actions had made on her life, she would never forget, and yet, at the same time, she knew deep down she would never really change. She was far too stubborn for that, resolute in her determination for the throne, for Camelot.
Her life really began when he walked into it, and now she found she couldn't live without him, but she knew, deep in her heart, they would be each other's end. There was so much love, but still so much pain and anger and hate. Nothing but an endless conflict, a never ceasing paradox. This conflict at heart is what drove them both toward and away from each other.
The dispute in her mind was drowned out as a second bolt of lightening struck, once again lighting up the sky and the thunder bellowed, a deep and violent sound which seemed to pass straight through her, piercing her mind and soul. She took a deep breath and took the first step out into the lake as the rain began to pour down. There was never a choice, if she walked away from this, she would come back another day, when she felt the unsupressable needed for him once more. She couldn't live without him, so while she couldn't stand him at times, the one thing she was sure of, the one thing which remained absolute was the fact that she couldn't live while he was dead … she needed him back.
She grasped the coin nervously in her fingers as she waded out, further into the lake, fumbling with it, rubbing her fingers along the intriguing marks it bore, still weighing up the decision hesitantly in her mind. As she looked down at the coin, her face displaying all the mixed emotions she felt, the words of the old witch echoed in her mind, "Cast the coin into its depths and your wish will be granted …"
She swallowed hard. This was her one wish, the only thing she'd ever really longed for. But would he forgive her? Would he want her back? She'd done everything the old woman had instructed her to do. She'd spent years preparing for this moment, making sure she'd done everything right. She had dedicating all her time, pouring her heart and soul and all her magic into this spell, but as she stood waste deep in the lake of Avalon, she found she hadn't the strength to do it.
Then she remembered what he'd said last time they spoke. They weren't especially wise words, or words which made her realise her love for him, but they were his words. Just hearing his voice, in her head, made her remember why she wanted him back. She wanted to see his face, needed to hear his voice, even if just to hear him yell and scream in anger.
She looked up, and without letting herself think about it any more, flung the coin into the lake, watching it fall as she did so. The large coin sank instantly to the bottom, as though heavily weighted, and soon the sand around it began to swirl, moving around in a chaotic fashion.
On the surface, nothing stirred, and Morgana waited in anticipation, her heart beating doubly fast as she silently prayed it would work. But just then, several meters away, bubbles began to appear on the surface, as though something was stirring deep below. She looked at it, a little confused, though expectant, as she stood, holding her breath, her eyebrows furrowed as she tried to figure out what was happening.
On the floor of the lake, the ground was moving faster now, swirling round, making some sort of shape – a human form, curled up, was now sitting at the bottom of the lake. More and more sand whirled around, glowing as the coin wove its magic and the figure, now fully formed, stood up.
Morgana watched as first a head, then shoulders, followed by a body emerged from the water and the figure stood up, years worth of work and magic, now complete. She gazed at him, feeling her heart skip a beat, as Merlin stood up straight and looked at her.
For a moment they did nothing but gaze at each other, and she waited, still holding her breath, not really sure what would happen. Would he really be himself? Had the spell fully worked? Or what if he was himself, but didn't love her anymore? She couldn't decide which was worse …
His forehead was furrowed and his eyes looked dark as he stared at her, his head still bowed a little. The expression he wore was one of anger, and Morgana, though terrified of what answers she might find, took a step forward, desperate to know if the spell had worked, and what would happen next. To see him again, after so many years of a dark and cold loneliness was more than she could bear.
But as she moved closer to him, he lifted his head, as though seeing her for the first time. The anger faded from his face, and he gazed at her, not really moving, as though he wasn't quite able yet. She looked up at him, finally looking him in the eye, and instantly he saw through her. He looked into her deep blue eyes and saw into her, saw her heart. He knew she was sorry, he could see it, he could feel it in her, though she said nothing. He reached out his arm and touched her shoulder for a moment, then let it fall back to his side as what was almost a smile began to grow at the corners of his mouth.
As she moved in a little closer still, he began to breathe rather heavily, as though breathing for the first time, and turned so that they were facing each other head on. She looked up, and as she too gazed back into his eyes, smiling. They both knew. There was a mutual understanding between them. Though some part of him couldn't stand to see her, protested at her audacity to bring him back, his heart was overwhelmed with love for her once again, and she too couldn't take her eyes off him. Her gaze screamed 'I love you' but no sound left her lips. There was no need for words, they both knew, they both felt, as they stood there, waste deep in cold water, with the heavy rain soaking them to the skin, the undying feelings they had for each other. After all this time, she still loved him, still desired just to be with him above all else, and he, even after all she'd done, had forgiven her of everything.
They stood there, together, in the pouring rain, below the illuminated sky and the deep rumbles of thunder, just gazing at each other, locked in a perfect, stormy moment. For the first time in their lives all the conflict they felt, all the thoughts running round in their heads, all the mixed and confused feelings, were completely overrun by the love which was rushing in. They simply stood, and let it wash over them, lost in an eternity as they looked into and through each other. For the first time, the love that refused to go away, feelings that would not relinquish themselves under any threat of hate, greed or bitterness, consumed everything else entirely.
They smiled at each other as they stood, just waiting in the moment. Deep down, they both knew nothing would change, and this fresh start would lead them down the same paths they'd been before. But it didn't matter. They had their love, they had their moment. And whether it would last or not, they had granted each other the chance of a new beginning – that in itself was more love than they could ever express.