Disclaimer: I don't own Joan of Arcadia

This is an AU story based on a theory I had

Will and Kevin- How Can I Love Him

Helen cried when she found out that the man who raped her got her pregnant. She felt like she had betrayed me. I told her she hadn't. I told her I love her and I don't find her at fault for something that sick bastard did. I told her I would support her no matter what she decides to do. After giving it a lot of thought she decided to go ahead and have the baby.
Now 7 months later I'm in the nursery looking at the baby boy that came from a horrible situation. We named him Kevin Alexander Girardi. He has my name but I know he's not mine. This was so much easier before he was born.
Now he's a person. He may not be biologically my son but still I love him. I don't want to love him. I see the man who raped my wife in this baby. What if Kevin grows up to be like his father? He won't! I'll make sure of that. Carefully I pick up the 5 pound 3 ounce baby boy and sit down on the rocking chair. I don't say anything for a long time. I just stare at him. He wraps his hand around my finger. I feel a warmth in my heart. I rock on the chair for awhile before he begins to cry. That noise was so overwhelming. I put him on my chest next to my heart.
"Hey buddy," I said, "I never was a daddy before. I am going to be the best daddy I can be. I love you little man. It won't be easy but stick with me and we'll do this together."
When we brought the baby home he cried all the time. Often I would let him cry it out for 5 minutes or so. Helen never did. She would go to him right away. I told myself I was doing this for his own good but the truth is I was conflicted.
I loved Kevin. Yes I did but I hated his father. Every time I would look at Kevin I saw his father. His father was an awful evil sadistic man that made Helen terrified to live. Kevin had his eyes. He didn't have mine or Helen's so he had to have his father's.
I didn't want to look into those eyes. I didn't want to see the evil in his genes. Helen said that I was being cold to Kevin. I couldn't deny it. I was but I didn't want to be.
Kevin began walking early. He was 6 months when he started to crawl. He was 9 months when he started to walk. He was going through the terrible twos before he was a year. There were times that I would put him in time out just because I couldn't deal with him. There were other times I would sit and read him a book.
There were times that I took him to the park to play. There were other times when I was "too busy" to spend time with him. I made myself too busy. There were times that I would hug him tightly and sing him to sleep. There were other times where I had to leave the room to stop myself from spanking him. I don't believe in spanking.
It was like sometimes I looked at the baby and saw Kevin. Sometimes I looked at him and saw the son of the man who raped my wife. I felt guilty but at the same time I didn't know what else to do.
One day I was at the store with Kevin. It was a great day. He was being so well behaved. A lady came up to me and told me my son was adorable. I said thank you. Kevin reached out to her. She took him with my permission but in a few minutes he started crying and reaching for me. I took him. As I was putting him back in the cart it happened. He said his first word.
He looked at me straight in the eye and said, "DA-DA."
Suddenly it made sense to me. Kevin was not his father. Kevin didn't know any father except for me. Kevin is my son. He's not the son of the man who raped Helen. He's the little boy I love.