It's Harry's sixth year and he's plagued with his usual troubles.
Hermione and Ron express new levels of companionship. Draco is intrigued, and vicious more so than ever before. A forgotten man, left in the shadows returns to Hogwart's.
New ways of be controlled by Voldemort, Harry is confronted by. Through the process and triumphs of being 'the boy who lived,' will Harry finally be able to live?
A/N: Dear fans of TTBH, firstly, thank you ever so much for reading and responding to my story. I am so grateful for your opinions, whatever they may be.
If you have not read this story the following will probably not concern you: much to my concern I have realized through re-reading and re-editing this story much is in desperate need of a re-write. As school resumes, I shall post less. Thank you for reading this, and please continue to.
And now, the usual: I do not own Harry Potter related things. Not one mouth watering pumpkin pastie or equal in appeal: Severus Snape. Please do not sue. I own nothing.
And further more: this is rated R for language, adult situations (sexual), slash—HP/SS, mature topics such as: rape, cutting, etc.
Please do not be offended if you read my story and come across these topics. You have been warned. And please comment.
Title: Trying to be Harry
Rated: R
Pairings: HP/SS and RW/HG
Chapter 1: Always SnapeHarry's summer was ending, and he couldn't be more thrilled. For two long months he: fed the Dursley's, washed their clothes, car, dishes, floors, and their numerous ceilings. Harry cleaned the junky furniture, vacuumed, dusted, swept, scrubbed toilets, cooked, and tried to stay out of their way and avoid acting 'abnormal' when guests came for visits (which, unluckily for Harry was unavoidable.)
The Dursley's never physically abused Harry, but their constant verbal abuse was the epitome of physical abuse. Harry found their threats and degrading remarks just as damaging to his consciousness. Everyday, having an obese ignorant man and child say 'move it freak, get out of my way freak,' became banal and repetitive to Harry.
Harry, despite prior anger outbursts remained calm and tranquil through a little help from Hermione Granger. Hermione sent over muggle tapes on meditation, books on calming chants to go along with it, and most helpful a little calming herb she stole fifth year from Professor Snape's secret stash: a little lobelia. Lobelia as Harry learned could be smoked and had a mild- marijuana side affect. Euphoric it was, and Harry used it not only to calm himself from the Dursley's deliberate cruelty but also for stresses brought on by his frightful, nearly nightly dreams.
During fifth year all that occurred socially, mentally and emotionally for Harry left him anxious and lost in his daily life. Every thing he had experienced fifth year elicited his thoughts and daily actions.
He wished desperately --every waking moment for a second chance to reenact the past. He even confronted Dumbledore, after his uproar in his office for the possibility of using the time turner to replay the night Sirius disappeared behind the veil. However, Harry received his answer as quick as he asked. And things remained dark, and depressing.
As Harry had only one week remaining till the end of summer break he convinced the Dursley's with little effort to leave earlier than expected. They were pleased to get their 'freakish' relative out of their home as quickly as possible. And, to say the least Harry's happiness soared immensely as he stepped into the bright sun of # 4 Privet Drive.
Harry settled for Diagon alley. He stayed in a tiny hotel near The Leaky Cauldron. The Leaky Cauldron was completely booked as there was a wizard convention in town, a convention dedicated to cauldrons. A cauldron history meeting, and a new break through in caldrons in the last three centuries discussion. Mostly wizards from Brussels were occupying the whole of the Leaky Cauldron. The wizard convention did not appeal to Harry in the least amount, and even if a room were available he would have passed.
So Harry choose the Spider Inn. The Spider inn had a gothic darkness that lured the types Harry had become naturally drawn to: figures in black cloaks that seemed to float past strangers in the crowd. Elite, stunning wizards, which were almost royal like. Harry believed them to be, some high class of wizard Harry had never learned about. Harry wished to drift away and those wizards that gave the mystique he craved were extremely intriguing.
For a week Harry wandered the streets throughout Diagon alley, purchasing his supplies for the new term and making sure he had one stress less, relaxed filled week.
Harry had been in contact with the order throughout his summer, and replied honestly: 'Getting by,' and 'Can't wait to get back to Hogwart's.'
Cornelius Fudge had enough on his plate to bother checking up on Harry. Harry had doubts about leaving the Dursley's because he didn't wish to worry the Order members- they had enough on their minds. However, Harry needed an escape, and what place better than Diagon Alley?
On the last night before he'd make the journey back to Hogwarts Harry spotted his most loathed Professor enter the teahouse he was happily enjoying.
'Stupid git! Why must he come in here?' Harry said to himself as Professor Snape ordered—
"Yes, I will have peppermint tea, with cream, thank you."
Professor Snape carried his evil glare but also tired eyes, and a few nasty scratches across his pale face. He didn't look any more intimidating than he usually did and yet something was troubling him still. Something other than students blowing up cauldrons or catching students out in the corridors after curfew.
He wore his usual black robes. His hair hung to the side of his face, greasy as always, his face paler than usual as well. He noticed Harry and ignored him until Harry called out to him.
"Professor!" Harry said when Snape turned away from him after ordering his tea.
'Why did I just do that?' Harry said mentally.
Professor Snape turned but remained standing several feet away from his loathed student. Snape stood in his usual pride for being the best damn potions master Hogwart's had ever had. His posture was elegant and simple. Not overacted, just right. It suited him well.
"If you wish to speak to me, you will move your legs and address me properly, not like some deranged howler monkey who's too lazy to get up from where he's sitting." Snape said in a vicious tone that made Harry's back chill.
Snape replied in a clear, resonant voice that seemed to hush up every other sound occurring in the dingy teahouse.
Harry stood, and approached his Professor.
"Sir, would you care to join me?" Harry asked hopefully, glancing from his Professor's eyes, to lips, to lips, to...
Snape raised an eyebrow and replied, "Mr. Potter I do not wish to waste my time in your company. Do not be the hero and try to make up for your foolish mistakes in the form of inviting me to join you for tea."
"But I'm really sorry!" Harry pleaded, however this only enraged Snape further.
"Do not whine, I will not feel any pity towards you until maybe perhaps in years to come someone disrespects you as much as you have disrespected me, and that includes your father's actions as well. You both are similar Potter, and both made foolish mistakes. I only hope you learn from them before it's too late."
Professor Snape picked up his tea and left the teahouse without hearing another word from Harry.
Harry returned to his table and sighed in loss. Harry was truly sorry for peering into Snape's pensive, but Harry Potter was a curious boy. Most teens his age were and he longed for Snape's forgiveness.
Professor Snape had ignored him in classes the end of fifth year, and he feared his sixth year would just get worse.
On the day to meet Ron and Hermione Harry seemed to forget himself entirely. His mind was still jumbled with thoughts of worry about the prophecy in particular. He had never been more confused in his life. Even potions could not match up to how he was feeling at the moment.
All summer three things remained in his mind: 1. The number of days until he left the Dursley's
2. The Prophecy- did he really have to kill Voldemort or die? Harry of course wanted to live more than anything, but kill someone for it? Of course the wizarding world would be forever grateful, but he-- Harry would have to live with those actions forever. And despite everything "he- who -must -not -be -named" did to his family and everyone around him, murder was still murder. Murder would stay with you always, and Harry wasn't entirely ready to commit it himself.
3. Snape. Professor Snape. Harry thought about him much and not just because he looked into Snape's pensive and became embarrassed for the man. He was ashamed of himself. Harry's curiosity led to disrupting Snape's privacy, something the man held onto more than anyone Harry had ever come across. Harry, despite Snape's malicious words towards him, was beginning to respect him. It was hard to admit to himself, even in his mind, but Harry truly respected his loathed professor. Severus Snape vowed to protect Harry and this he did despite his feelings towards the "Golden Boy." Harry was beginning to feel that Snape might be more than a professor, more than a teacher in the future. Professor, no Snape, no, Severus may be something much more in Harry's future.
Harry heard his two friends call his name from two windows towards the back of the red ruby train that would take them to paradise. (At least in Harry's mind). Harry smiled, dazed and immediately joyful upon seeing his friend's faces. Bright, and smiling.
Ronald Weasley smiled at Harry, his carrot hair longer than the year before, sideburns overly long, like a rock stars. His freckles were sprouting all over his pale cheeks. His eyes and mouth reveled mischief, the mischief Fred and George bestowed upon him to continue further.
"Harry, grab your things quick! It's almost time to leave mate!" Ron yelled.
"Hello Harry! Quick Harry, Ron's right, only five minutes left till the train departs."
Hermione called over the many students and parents calling to each other.
Harry didn't seem to notice at that moment the difference in Hermione. No one did, not until they came face to face and met her eyes and looked her over from head to toe.
"Right." Harry said to himself, half waving at his friends, half in a trance. Harry was clutching to his luggage case in one hand and Hedwigs' empty cage in the other.
Harry in about five minutes time collapsed in the separate room his friends were waiting for him in. Harry collapsed next to Ron and closed his eyes for a few seconds and re-opened them quicker as Hermione and Ron began to jumble his head with questions about summer break.
"So Harry, I hope those muggles didn't treat you too awfully bad." Ron said, his body sideways and adjacent to Harry's.
"Oh, they did. Everyday chores, everyday 'finish your work freak or I will change my mind about allowing you to return to that freaky school of yours.' Harry said, mocking his uncle.
"Oh, Harry it's so awful you must to stay there. Perhaps next summer you can come and stay with me for a month or so."
Ron raised his eyebrows and frowned at Hermione. "And what about me?"
Hermione rolled her eyes, and smiled towards the redhead. Harry noted Hermione's blossoming over summer break. Of course Harry didn't desire her, but he did notice his friends beauty. In actuality, Hermione seemed gorgeous. She was no veela, but pretty close to it.
"Honestly, Ron." Hermione said.
Her small gestures and little faces were like a nymph'. Harry was astounded.
"Honestly what Mione?" And Ron moved to Hermione in a flash, tickling her into loud girlish giggles.
"Stop it! Stop you" More giggles. "You rat, stop it!" And Ron eased up on his tickles.
Harry's eyebrows arched so extremely both Ron and Hermione turned to him in concern. He knew something was not quite right.
"What's wrong Harry?" Ron said.
"Nothing. What's going on?" Harry said obviously confused with hundred of questions roaming through his mind about his two closet friends.
"Harry," Hermione began. Harry looked at Hermione with curiosity.
"Harry, "Ron continued.
Ron and Hermione looked at each other, trying very hard to say things the right way. Harry however was getting very frustrated and impatient.
"Well?"
"Harry, Ron and I are sort of"
"Sort of Mione?"
"Ronald, Weasley I very much dislike it when you call me that!" Hermione said, turning to Ron, face still flushed from her eruption of laugher.
"Well, Mione, I dislike it when you call me Ronald." Ron said in a tease.
Hermione rolled her eyes again.
"Harry, Ron and I have been going out since, well pretty much since term ended last year."
"Going out?" Harry replied utterly lost. Harry's face was messed up in extreme bewilderment.
"Ohhh, hoo, hooo." Came a creeping voice from the compartment door.
"Malfoy!" Ron said in pure distaste.
Draco Malfoy stood in the doorway of the compartment the Golden trio were occupying. Draco grinned in a naughty sort of manner and approached them with loftiness. Draco had obviously grown over summer break, and now stood over the three of them, including Ron. Draco was thinning out and his moonlit colored hair hung messily into his gray eyes.
"I think what weaselbe means Potter is that poor and I emphasize poor, freckle face here is dating, and possibly," Malfoy looked Hermione over from head to feet and back again. "Possibly shagging her? But I don't know, the mudblood's probably a virgin." Malfoy began to laugh in evil laughs, cackles, very reminiscent of a crow.
"Get out of here Malfoy, before I hex you!" Ron bellowed. Ron who had been besides Hermione only moments before stood and aimed his wand directly into Malfoy's smirking face.
"What are you going to do with that weasel? Hex yourself again?"
"You talk pretty tough ferret boy. Where's your two lumps you call body guards?"
"Weasel concern yourself with things of greater importance. Such as, are those the same robes you wore last year?"
"I'm warning you Malfoy!"
"Warning me? Do you own the train weasel? I think not."
"Leave us!" Ron continued.
Malfoy ignored Ron as if he was not present and settled on his newest fascination of surprise. Malfoy sat besides Hermione and rubbed her cheek softly, gently.
"Get your hand away from me Draco!" Hermione said, glaring at Malfoy.
"Oh, the mudblood is too good for me?"
"Malfoy, leave us alone!" Harry shouted.
Draco Malfoy stood and walked to Harry. Malfoy faced Harry, breaths apart, lips nearly touching. "Potter!"
"Leave us Malfoy!" Harry repeated. Harry's anger rose within seconds and the adrenalin rush to punch Malfoy was leaping through his body. His face, which was gaunt with fatigue and lack of proper nourishment, was containing fury surprisingly well.
"Or what?" Draco said coolly.
"Or else I'll hex you!"
"Hex me? Tisk, tisk... Potter wouldn't do such a thing." Malfoy whispered in a mixed meaning sort of way. Harry couldn't tell if his whispers were to frighten him or possibly to, allure him?
"Yes." Harry barely said.
"You wouldn't do such a thing." Malfoy continued his whispers in a silky tone.
"Try me." Harry continued.
"Scarhead, doesn't have it in him." Malfoy's pink lips spat out in the most elegant way yet.
"Leave us." Harry said through gritted teeth.
"All right, I'll leave, but before I do," In seconds time, Draco Malfoy leaned in and kissed Harry so passionately Harry was beginning to feel tingling sensations run through his entire body. His legs felt like jello. His stomach seemed empty, and his lower half began to experience arousal in a way he had never experienced with another boy. Harry loved the feeling; he had never felt this sort of passion. Draco's tongue began to battle with Harry's and he was just about to moan but Draco stopped before he could.
Harry stared at Draco with a stupid, clueless sort of expression painting his face. Draco smirked in domination and glory in controlling the favored Gryffindor.
"See you around Potter." Draco said, eyebrows arched. He left the three to themselves.
Harry was in such a trance he completely forgot about Ron and Hermione who were both staring at Harry in deep, deep concern.
"What the bloody hell was all that about?" Ron said, as Harry stared into space where Malfoy had stood only moments before.
"Harry?" Hermione said, walking towards Harry who still remained silent. It wasn't until Hermione rubbed her hand on Harry's back that he came back into reality.
"What?" Harry said, with a blank face.
"Why did you let him kiss you mate?" Ron asked.
Harry didn't want to tell his two best friends what he was thinking, he really was confused himself, but as much as he hated himself for thinking it, he enjoyed the kiss.
"I... I didn't he...It just happened so quickly, I couldn't stop him." Harry said.
"Well, next time, if there is a next time," Ron looked disgusted, almost as he looked when a spell backfired in second year and he vomited up slugs. "Next time, tell McGonagall, that's disgusting!"
"Ronald, there is nothing disgusting about two men kissing. In fact Harry, it's very normal and accepted in the wizarding world."
"Well, that's great but it doesn't apply to me!" Harry said, as defensive as he could be.
"Whatever, I'm going to get treats from the cart." And Ron was gone.
Hermione paused as Ron, her Ron departed into the train corridor. Hermione noticed Seamus leading Dean, Neville and Ron following last away from their compartment. Hermione longed to help Harry through his newest mishap.
Harry was hoping Ron might bring him back a pumpkin pastie or a big cauldron cake to devour. However, just as the thought of various sweets were entering his mind they exited just as quick.
"Harry, if you are indeed gay... Well, if you fancy boys, that is fine with me, and Ron."
"I'm not gay!" Harry shouted. His voiced seemed to echo through their compartment.
"Harry, it's all right." Hermione said, trying to be supportive. Her voice was low, sweet, and a bit nosy.
"Hermione, I am not gay! I went out with Cho didn't I?"
"Well yes, but it didn't exactly work out did it?"
"No, but... She fancied Cedric Mione. Just because it didn't work out with her doesn't mean I fancy boys, least of all Draco Malfoy!" Harry began to pace around the train compartment, never meeting Hermione's eyes.
"You don't have to be defensive Harry. I think it's wonderful if you meet a nice boy. Perhaps not Malfoy, but if it helps, I believe he's really fond of you."
"What?" Harry asked, trying to hide his interest.
Harry, stopped his pacing, and looked at Hermione, then quickly away as he didn't want her to discover his intertest in his least favorite person at Hogwart's.
"Yes, well Harry whilst I was purchasing my school supplies I overheard Draco in Madam Malkin's robe shop. He was confiding in Professor Snape that he really fancied a boy in Gryffindor. And I suppose it could have been Seamus, but I am nearly positive it was you Harry."
"And why exactly do you think ferret boy was thinking of me?" now Harry's arms crossed, and his interest grew, eyes solely on his bushy haired friend.
Hermione paused, as if she wasn't quite sure she was ready to reply as honest as she would like to.
"Well, because... He was speaking to Professor Snape of all people. I suppose he was doing Lucias a favor by taking Malfoy to gather his supplies, Well, he said 'I fancy a twit in Gryffindor. Father would kill him himself if he could.' I'm not completely certain, but I have a feeling he was speaking of you. The hostility in his voice... You know Malfoy Harry, oh! It was you he was speaking of."
"Well I'm sure Lucius will love that." Harry laughed lightly, and said even quieter: "And Snape."
"Well, he's in Azkaban so I don't believe he will be able to harm you or Malfoy. And Professor Snape, I don't believe Malfoy's sexual preference would matter much to him as he is—I overheard Professor Snape and...Oh Harry, I can't exactly say right now."
Hermione bowed her head and it appeared to Harry that he should steer clear of questioning her further, though he was tempted
"Can I be honest with you about something?" Harry sat besides Hermione, eyes concentrated on his lap.
"Of course Harry." Hermione smiled kindly.
"Well, I'm not sure I am, I mean I may be. I really liked Cho. Well, I thought I did. I had an all right time with her, I just..well when we had our time together I wasn't exactly feeling her the way I feel... well, the kiss we had was wet and really gross actually. But just then, with Draco...I didn't want it to stop. It felt really... Well, that was the best kiss I've ever had!" Harry finished in energetic delight.
Hermione beamed in excitement for Harry, her other half besides Ron.
"Oh Harry, I'm so happy for you!" Hermione nearly jumped into Harry's lap, who had been leaning against the carpeted wall moments before.
"What am I going to do now?"
"Wait and see how Draco reacts to you at school. I wonder if he has changed." Hermione furrowed her brow. "He still seems content on being a Malfoy, but I'm hopeful. He did after all kiss you in front of us."
Harry felt extremely better for letting himself share his inner, sub- conscious feelings. He wasn't entirely sure if he was indeed gay, he was very inexperienced in all matters of sexual relationships. After the disaster with Cho, he was unsure if he wanted another relationship with anybody. Cho was a bit over- dramatic for Harry's liking, and he wished to avoid all experiences similar to it forever, if he could.
"Thanks Mione." Harry said, and hugged his bushy headed friend.
"I will always be here for you Harry."
"So, you and Ron?" Harry said, with a wicked expression on his bright face.
"Yes, Ron and I." Hermione replied, with a giant smile.
Harry never recalled her looking happier. Of course, when she received high marks in her classes came very close, especially in Ancient Runes, but this expression was unforgettable. Harry didn't want to think too much into it, but Hermione looked as if she was in love. And Ron couldn't be any better for her.
Ron came into the compartment just as Hermione pulled away from a hug that lasted for about ten minutes.
"What's going on in here?" Ron said, pretending to be jealous, even though there would never be any point in that—not with Harry anyway.
"Ron, Hermione and I are planning to run away and elope, do you have any problems with that?"
"What, and leave Malfoy crying in a corner somewhere?"
"What!" Harry tackled Ron, and they fell onto the train floor, hitting each other playfully, and laughing madly.
The Hogwart's Express arrived at Hogwart's right on time, just as the stars were appearing into the night sky. Harry couldn't be happier, that was unless he was kissing Malfoy again.
'No! Don't think that!' Harry told himself mentally.
Harry entered the Great Hall in a daze. He was pondering everything that happened to him since Malfoy kissed him.
'But why would he? I mean, he certainly dislikes me, well it seems that way, but†No! No, hell no! It's Malfoy. Sliming, hateful Malfoy, I can't start getting interested in him, he's a Slytherin!'
And Harry's thoughts continued silently.
Harry passed Cho Chang and she waved and smiled, trying to be kind; Harry continued his ramblings inside his head without noticing her. Harry would regret his daydreaming later, as Cho whispered to her gang of friends:
"He's taking it so hard!"
'Well, he did kiss me in front of Ron and Hermione, that's bold.'
And through Dumbledore's repetitive introductions.
'But no one saw it except Ron and Hermione,'
"The forbidden forest is forbidden to all who wish to live to a ripe old age," Dumbledore stated.
Harry caught bits of his headmasters' speech.
'It wasn't like he kissed me in front of one of his great offs.'
Dinner was ending, and Harry was walking out of the great hall when a hand grabbed his arm, startling Harry immensely.
Professor Snape stood, towering over Harry. His expression neutral in absolute hatred and annoyance for all living creatures. His face pale and unsympathetic. His eyes filled with cunning brilliance and absolute control.
"Potter, wake up! Already daydreaming, and lessons haven't even begun! Tisk, tisk"
"Sorry Professor, I"
"Yes"
"I have a lot on my mind."
"I can only imagine. Listen Potter, as much as I refused and pleaded with my life to avoid teaching you Occlumency lessons again, you are required to study with me. So, if you wish to keep your limbs enough to play Quidditch, I remind you to do as I say. Attend these lessons on time, and please Potter none of your smart remarks. If you step out of line once, Veritaserum will be in your throat quicker than you can imagine, detention for the rest of term, and you will be removed from the Quidditch team. You may have escaped the lifetime ban, but not I. I will always be here Potter, watching your every step, so I warn you now."
Harry gulped. He would never admit it of course, but since he was caught looking into Snape's pensive, Snape became even more startling to him. His anger (since Harry's lust for sticking his nose in places it didn't belong) was more startling then some contacts with Voldemort. But, he couldn't let Snape know it.
"Good night Mr. Potter." Snape said, leaving Harry and walking in the opposite direction, towards the dungeons.
Harry heard his Potion teacher echo in the distance as he walked gracefully away. And than, the sound of Snape ended and faded in the dark of the dungeons.
"Why me?" Harry said louder than attended.
Harry arrived into the Gryffindor common room, alone. No one had yet come up from dinner, and Harry was grateful. He wanted to sleep, and forget his problems. The only problem was, his problems were far worse in the dream state, and Harry had used up all of the Lobelia he had gotten from Hermione nearly a week ago.
So, Harry settled for luck. Perhaps luck would be his tonight, perhaps he'd dream of that kiss from Malfoy and not Snape's threats,Voldemort's wrath and torturous actions and emotions, or his dear godfather.
"No! No, get a hold of yourself!" Harry said, before finally drifting off to sleep.
End Of ChapterA/N: A feel adjustments have been made.
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