Trigger warning: miscarriage, some blood. Grim, grim story - I'm sorry guys. Lily is pregnant (pre-Harry) but suffers a miscarriage, Remus is there to help her. Title from the Mumford and Sons song of the same name. I don't own any characters etc. All reviews welcome, as ever.
After the Storm
There had been a storm in the afternoon, black clouds had rumbled in from the west like bad news and brought rain, thunder and fear. The war lingered precariously on, and anything remotely dark or gloomy was to be taken as a bad omen. Remus was glad to be at home for a couple days. He had been on a mission for the order the last few weeks, though it had been relatively uneventful, he was thankful for the respite these few days would offer. However as he gazed out into the lingering rain falling silently in the valley, the evening light dwindling rapidly, he felt for James and Sirius - who were still out there somewhere, on missions of their own.
But he didn't let the thoughts of his friend's peril linger, he had learned not to, he had learned by now that if he allowed himself to worry, he would just never stop. Instead he went to the small fireplace, the heart of his tiny cottage, and lit the flames. He then made himself a cup of tea and sat down with a book, allowing all thoughts of the war to leave his mind, if just for a little while.
He read for an hour or so, until his reverie was interrupted by a small wistful sighing sound and a dim light flashing on and off, filling the room intermittently with a soft blue glow. Remus leapt to his feet, casting the book to the floor and knocking his mug over in the process. He went straight to the mantlepiece and picked up the object that was casting the light, a small silver orb that looked rather like an unfurled snitch. It was an enchanted ornament that James had given him. It glowed to signify if there was trouble in his home, he had said it made him feel better about leaving Lily on her own. And he had charmed himself a corresponding one which glowed to signify trouble at Remus' Cottage. The notion being that they could each signal for help, undetected by death eaters, in the event of an attack.
Remus hurriedly reached for his wand, fearing the worst. He was aware of course that it might be a trap, but if Lily really was in danger, he wasn't going to sit around to formulate a plan. He needed to act. And as soon as his hand found his wand, he apparated to Godric's Hollow, appearing right outside James and Lily's front door. Not bothering to knock, he incanted the spell James had taught him, in case he ever needed to unlock the door in an emergency, and let himself in.
"Lily?" He called out as soon as he heard the door lock solidly behind him. He noted that the house was clean and tidy, nothing had been upturned or knocked over. He quickly ran through the downstairs of the house, Lily could not be seen anywhere and so he swiftly made his way back to the hall and bounded up the stairs about three steps at a time.
When he got to the top of the stairs, all the lights were out except for the one in the bathroom, which was shining brightly out through the open doorway. He could not see into the bathroom from where he was standing, but he could hear someone weeping softly.
He gripped his wand and cautiously made his way into the bathroom.
His heart skipped a beat the moment he entered the small, white room. Lily was sitting on the floor propped against the bath, blood pooled about her, and smeared on her hands and dress. She was crying, her eyes closed tightly, her fists clenched. She seemed totally unaware of Remus' presence.
He swiftly kneeled down beside her.
"Lily?" He murmured, placing a hand gently on her shoulder.
Lily looked up, shocked. Her eyes round and bloodshot, tears streaming from them. Her beautiful red hair fell into her face in soft waves, but her face was gaunt and stricken. Bearing little resemblance to his defiantly upbeat friend, who smiled and beamed almost constantly, who exuded an air of graceful beauty and benevolence at all times. Tonight she looked utterly desolate, almost like a ghost.
"Remus. It's gone... it's lost." She choked out desperately before leaning into him and sobbing harshly.
Remus put his arms around her, shifting slightly so that he could support her better. Though he was loathed to accept it, he knew then what had happened.
James had called the marauders together almost a month earlier to announce that he and Lily were expecting a baby. There had been much elation and congratulations from himself and Peter, Sirius seemed to take a little longer to get used to the idea. But James was just beside himself with joy. Remus didn't think he had ever seen him so truly, deliriously happy.
But now here he was, with Lily weeping in his arms, their baby lost. Not for the first time, Remus felt as though he had been kicked in the stomach by the injustice of life. How could this have happened to the sweetest and most earnestly good and deserving people he knew. He wished so hard that there was something to be done, but his wolfish senses told him otherwise, the baby was lost. There was nothing to be done, but to help Lily.
"I'm so sorry." He whispered into her hair, holding her close.
This only made her cry harder.
Remus left it a minute or so before carefully placing his arms under her knees and picking her up from the floor, her arms now wrapped tightly around his neck.
He carried her silently to her and James' room and placed her gently down on the bed. As he did so, she winced and whimpered a little, clearly, unsurprisingly, she was in pain.
"Remus." She uttered, grabbing his wrist. "I'm frightened." She was as white as a sheet, and was sweating profusely. Her eyes still wide with shock.
Remus sighed, and fought back tears. This was not the time for his own grief, he needed to care for his friend, there would be a time to reflect on his own feelings later. He reached for a blanket at the end of the bed and covered her, before moving his hand to her face and gently cupping her cheek. "I know. I know. But I'm here with you now, I'm not going to leave you."
Lily nodded bravely, but then her face scrunched and she arched her back, gritting her teeth. Remus grasped her hand.
"Lily, you need a healer, I'm going to call one for you. Is there anyone you'd prefer to see?" Remus asked, trying hard to keep his voice calm and clear.
"Village healer - Rowen - Dogwood cottage... use the fire to call her." Lily pointed feebly to the small, lit fireplace in the corner of the room.
He rushed over to the dying flames, grabbing a handful and floo powder and hoarsely shouting Dogwood Cottage. The flames roared a sickening, emerald green, and Remus instinctively took a deep breath before casting his head into the fire.
He opened his eyes to see through a hazy, green tinted light, the outline of someone's sitting room. It was a small modest room, with many herbs and dried plants hanging from the beams on the ceiling. It felt strange to be looking into a total strangers house from floor level, but none of that really mattered, he just hoped so hard that the healer would be there. Suddenly he heard the sound of a cat hissing and mewling in fright, undoubtedly at his sudden appearance in the fire.
"What is it Juniper?" A small, mousy, middle aged witch asked in reply to the cat's outburst, before glancing to the fire and spotting Remus.
"Gracious." She said, moving towards the harth and kneeling down in front of it to get a better look.
"Healer Rowen?" Remus asked promptly.
The witch nodded. "Yes. That's me."
"It's Lily Potter, I'm a friend of hers, she needs to see you, urgently." Remus spluttered wheezily through the flames.
The witch must have seen the desperation and seriousness in Remus' eyes. "Stand aside, I shall just get my bag and I'll be there."
Remus took his head from the flames without bothering to reply to her, as he was eager to get back to Lily. He flung himself to his feet and back over to her bedside, she looked up at him, her eyes pleading and her bottom lip quivering. She was shaking, almost violently, now.
Remus rounded the bed, kneeled down beside her and tenderly held her hand. "It's alright, the healer is on her way, and I'm here for you, it's going to be okay." He said gently, trying to soothe her, but knowing in his heart that there was nothing he could say or do to make this okay.
Lily squeezed his hand a little, an acknowledgement that she understood what he was trying to say. Just then there was a burst of green light and flurry of activity in the corner as Healer Rowen stepped out of the fireplace.
She took one look at Lily, and from her expression seemed to know instantly what had happened. She set her bag down and moved over to the bed.
"Lily." She said in a warm Irish lull. "Sweet girl, is it the baby?"
Lily nodded and then her face crumpled and she began to cry again, tightening her hold on Remus' hand.
"I'm so sorry, love..." there was a very long, sad pause. "I'm so sorry this befell you." Rowen said softly while putting a hand to Lily's forehead. "I'm going to have to check you over to make sure you're alright, an' then I'll do what I can to make you more comfortable, sweetheart."
Lily was still crying softly but nodded.
"I'm sorry, what was your name, love?" Rowen whispered to Remus.
"Remus." He responded meekly.
"Can you fetch me some towels and a cold damp washcloth, I'll also need a basin of warm clean water." Rowen asked, her voice the same sweet Irish lilt.
Remus nodded and turned back to Lily. "I'm just going to go and fetch some things for Healer Rowen, I'll be right back." He told her gently and she nodded feebly again and let go of his hand. He got shakily up and headed for the bathroom, stopping himself briefly before entering. He knew going back into this room was going to be hard, he desperately didn't want to, but he knew he needed to - for Lily.
He anxiously rounded the open door and tried his best to concentrate on the job at hand and not the blood that covered a large proportion of the small floor. He swiftly gathered everything Rowen had asked for and went back through to the dimly lit bedroom, setting the basin down on the bedside table, the towels at the end of the bed, before tenderly placing the cool washcloth on Lily's brow.
"Remus." She croaked, reaching for his hand, which he offered her willingly, bending down to meet her eyes.
"Can you wait outside? Please?" Her eyes were again filled with tears, her brows drawn together fretfully.
"Of course." Remus whispered in response before bestowing a gentle kiss to the back of her hand. "I'll be right outside."
She gently squeezed his hand. "Thank you." She whispered shakily before letting go and turning her face away from him. Remus looked to the healer who simply nodded to him kindly. He left, closing the door silently behind him.
He walked a little away from the closed door and let himself fall back against the wall opposite it, his head turned upward and his eyes closed, he worked hard to steady his breathing, worked hard not to let his emotions get the better of him. Though Lily had asked him to leave the room, there were still things that needed to be done.
With a very heavy sigh he pushed himself off the wall and walked back into the bathroom, forcing himself now to look at the blood, tears marring his vision slightly. He took his wand and waved it shakily, and with that the blood was gone. It felt like a rather clinical thing to do, and he was not entirely sure it was his place to do it, but he knew he could not have left the room in the state it was in, for Lily or James to see. He felt strange, out of his depth, and altogether as if he was imposing, but he was sure he was helping, albeit uncomfortably.
He walked further into the small room cautiously. It was strange, he noted, that this was a room that had probably held very little consequence to anyone before, yet would now serve as a constant reminder for Lily and for himself of the dreadful loss that had occurred tonight. He carefully straightened towels and replaced bottles that had been knocked over. As soon as he was sure that the room was returned to normal he turned the light out, closed the door and went to sit on the top step of the stairs, allowing now for his head to fall into his hands, as he waited patiently.
He had been so thrilled when James had told him the news. Children he found were ever inquisitive, lively and brought joy to those near to them, this, as well as their ability to see past the things most adults were enormously judgemental of all made Remus very fond of children. And he was good with them too, they seemed naturally to warm to his quiet, calm nature - or perhaps it was the fact that he constantly carried copious amounts of chocolate. Either way, Remus had been so pleased that there would be a child in the Potter family. Knowing that he would never have a family of his own was something that he struggled silently with, he would so dearly have loved to be a husband and a father, but what with his Lycanthropy and subsequent condition in life he knew that it would never be possible. He had looked forward to spending time with Lily and James' son or daughter, and knew that he would love the child with all his heart. He felt a few tears fall from his eyes and immediately wiped them away, composing himself once more. It did not matter how he felt, he needed to remain strong, for Lily. Anything he was feeling would not be even comparable to the pain she was suffering. He wiped his face and straightened up, forbidding himself to collapse into melancholy.
He simply sat stoically, listening as the grandfather clock in the hallway beneath him ticked and chimed. Eventually the door of the bedroom opened and Healer Rowen exited. Remus jumped to his feet in response.
"How is she?" He asked quietly.
The healer sighed sadly. "She will heal... but I fear the pain in her heart will linger forever. She is devastated."
Remus nodded, unsurprised. Lily felt everything keenly, she was tempestuous and even flamboyant in her emotions, it was what made her so wonderfully creative, loyal and fiercely compassionate. It came as no surprise that Lily would be completely floored by this.
"Anyway, I've done everything I can for her to make her comfortable, and I've left some dreamless sleep potion for her, she may need it."
Remus nodded in understanding.
"I must be off, if you need me at any point during the night don't hesitate to call, I'll be up. She says she'd like to see you now, Remus." The healer uttered softly.
"Thank you, for healing her... I-" Remus began, not really knowing what to say.
"There's no need to thank me, dear boy. It's what I'm here for." She patted Remus' shoulder. "Now, go to her, an' I'll see myself out." She nodded to him, and set off down the stairs.
Remus turned to the closed door next to him and knocked gently.
"Come in." came the quiet response from behind.
Remus cautiously opened the door and walked into the room. Lily was now sitting up against pillows, she no longer seemed to be in pain, she was now wearing pyjamas and seemed to be more comfortable. However she looked thoroughly exhausted. He made his way over to her and pulled up a chair to the side of the bed, and sat next to her. She was yet to make eye contact with him.
"Is there anything I can get for you? Anything I can do?" He asked.
She shook her head slightly. "No, Remus, thank you. If..." she paused. "If you could just stay with me. I don't think I could handle being alone right now." She stammered tearfully.
"Of course I'll stay." He replied earnestly, tenderly taking hold of her hand.
"Thank you." She attempted to choke out, but it got lost somewhere and she hung her head down, red locks of hair falling into her face as her shoulders began to shake.
Remus released her hand and carefully moved to sit in front of her on the side of the bed and put his arms around her. He guided her head gently to his shoulder where she completely fell apart and began to cry out in heart wrenching sobs. He held her close as she wept harshly, clinging to him like her life depended on it.
He couldn't help but think back to all the times that Lily had been there for him, to encourage and console him. He remembered when he had confided in her about his Lycanthropy, she had been so sweet, so understanding. And he had told her a little about how he felt his future was predestined to be unfulfilling and void of any affection or intimacy. She hadn't argued with him or tried to cheer him up and brush it off, she just listened, and encouraged him to see his own self worth. Lily had always been incredibly kind to him, he loved her dearly, and his heart broke now, to feel the pain emanating from her while she shook with sobs in his arms.
He wanted to say something, to try and reassure or console her. But what was there to say? He knew very well there was nothing he could say to make this easier. So he simply held her close until her sobs died down and she pulled away slightly. He helped her to lean back against the pillows, and remained sat in front of her on the bed.
"I'm sorry." She sniffed.
"Hey, it's okay." Remus responded. "You have nothing to apologise for." He gently brushed the hair out of her face. Her eyes were still downcast, but she nodded slightly.
"James is back tomorrow." She said, finally looking up at her friend. "What am I going to tell him Remus? How can I tell him that I lost our baby?" She bit her lip, tears forming in her eyes once more.
Remus placed his hands on either side of her face gently. "Lily. It was not you that lost the baby, you didn't do anything wrong."
"Then why did this have to happen?" She asked desperately as tears fell down her face once more.
Remus leaned in and placed a kiss to her forehead before cradling her in his arms once more. "I don't know." he sighed "There isn't any reason to these things, you can't blame yourself, it couldn't be helped." He held her a little closer until her tears subsided once more and she relaxed in his embrace.
"It's not fair." She uttered eventually, sleepily.
Remus placed another kiss to the top of her head. "No." He replied gently as he felt her being overtaken by exhaustion. "No it's not."