"You could afford to be more like Eli you know," Umi tells you as you hastily copy the assignment you completely forgot about.
You're used to being the subject of Umi's disappointment by now but the comparison to your blonde senior momentarily catches you off guard.
So much so that you're barely able to hide the hurt you feel that you've let Umi down.
Again.
Ducking your head, feigning bashfulness you reply with the routine: "Sorry, Umi-chan," and return to your work, trying not to pay any mind to the growing sense of inferiority in the back of your mind.
As time moves on, the incident has completely left your mind.
"Honoka!"
You turn around to see a furious Umi storming at you and you silently pray to whichever deity that might be watching to save you.
"U-Umi-chan?"
"You don't even remember do you? You were supposed to be taking care of the budget issues! An hour ago! You're the student council president you shouldn't be slacking off like this!" she yells.
You shrink underneath her wrathful gaze and reply with a meek, "O-oh... was I...?"
"I can't believe you! I'm sure when Eli was president she never this irresponsible! Come on, you're going to go back to the student council room and finish your work"
You're eyes widen at her words, flooding with hurt and you want to cry, but Umi's already turned completely around, taking you by the arm and escorting you down the hallway, disallowing you from getting a word in edgewise.
Swallowing the lump that's formed in your throat you quietly tell her, "... sorry Umi-chan"
You see the way that Umi looks at Eli when she thinks no one else is watching.
When it finally clicks, when you finally realize just why it hurts so much whenever you catch her lost in blue eyes and blonde hair, you're grief is placated by a crushing sense of understanding.
Eli is everything you aren't, a point that only serves to further drive home how the girl you love will never look at you the same way that you do.
You try to, but in the end you can't bring yourself to hate either one of them.
It takes some time, but you can't help but be drawn to Eli for the very same reasons you wanted to resent her. She's good at everything she does, she's a great person and an even better friend and you find yourself admiring her even. She's the cool reliable senpai and you'd count yourself lucky to know her- if her mere presence didn't remind you of how much of a failure you are.
And as for Umi... Umi isn't wrong when she says what she does and you can't really blame her for it either. After all, you can only imagine what she goes through, having had to put up with you for most of her life. Umi deserves someone amazing, someone talented, someone beautiful, someone- someone not like you.
It's no one's fault but your own and you've nothing to show for the years of pining after your childhood friend save for a severe case of self-loathing and a broken heart.
"If you were at least half as responsible as Eli this wouldn't have happened!"
"Sorry Umi-chan"
Every slip up is met with another irritated glare from Umi.
"If it were Eli, this would have gone so much smoother"
"Sorry Umi-chan"
Every mistake reminds you of how you aren't good enough
"If Eli were in charge maybe we could have gotten some work done!"
"Sorry Umi-chan"
Every transgression and she makes sure you that it's your fault
"If you were more like Eli!"
"If you were more like Eli!"
"If you were more like Eli!"
Every comparison she makes is like an open handed slap across your face, each time hurting more than the last until finally-
"You know if you followed Eli's-"
"I GET IT OKAY?!"
Umi, taken aback, by your sudden exclamation or at you having the audacity to interrupt her you don't know, but you take advantage of her shocked state to continue. All of the pain you've kept bottled up is finally coming out and you're powerless to stop it. It starts slowly, like a leaky pipe getting ready to burst.
"...I get it. I know that I'm nothing like Eli-chan, I know that I'm irresponsible, and lazy, and irritating, and obnoxious, and forgetful, and stupid, and-and useless. Okay? I get it"
"H-Hono-"
Your eyes burn and it's getting harder to breathe but you press on.
"I know that you don't deserve having to put up with me or fix my mistakes and I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry that I;m not good enough- that I'll never be good enough for you. But I'm not Eli-chan. I know that she's better than I am and I'm sorry that you're stuck with such a useless president and an even worse friend but I'm not her. I get that I have absolutely zero redeeming qualities and I always end up making things more of a mess whenever I try to help. I know. But. But I'm trying okay? I've been trying to be someone that you could be proud of- that I could be proud of, that I could be someone that could stand at your side and wouldn't make you feel ashamed for being with someone so useless. I'm sorry that I couldn't even do that but. I'm trying. Doesn't that count for something?"
Tears are rolling down your face at this point but you can't find it in yourself to care.
Umi's paralyzed by shock, her eyes wide open and her mouth opening and closing as she struggles to form a coherent sentence, and in any other situation you would be doubled over on the floor laughing at the stern Umi-chan's utterly ridiculous expression but isn't and you aren't and Umi still has yet to say a word when you feel the panic start to bubble in your chest.
The reality of what you just did, what you just said, is just starting to catch up with you and it feels like the walls of the student council room are closing in on you and you feel like you're suffocating and all you know is that you can't be here anymore.
You bolt out of your chair and run out of the room, your sudden burst of movement shaking Umi out of her stupor.
As you run through the halls you barely register Umi's strangled cry of, "Honoka!"
You ignore it, willing your legs to carry you even faster.
You need to get away, to run, to hide from it all.
Your relationship with Umi has definitely taken a serious hit and you doubt anything either of you do can ever repair it.
Collapsing against the wall you let out a bitter laugh, because even now, like with everything else, it's all your fault. You honestly don't know why you expected it not to be.
Sliding down onto the floor, arms wrapped around your knees, eyes puffy and red, hidden in the back corner of the music room, you can't help but think, but wonder that maybe. Maybe your life wouldn't be such a mess if you were just a little bit like her.