Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, nor am I entirely responsible
for this monstrosity or the damage it does. In fact, I blame half of
this on timydamonkey. Enjoy.
It Starts
A chair is silhoutted against the dim, neon glow of a shark tank. A rumbling purr emanates from behind it ominously, along with a disturbed giggling. It turns slowly...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the set of Full Metal Alchemist. I am...BIG BROTHER."
On Set (Liore):
Edward Elric is royally pissed. It may have something to do with his headache. It may have something to do with his automail squeaking like a rusty gate. It may also have something to do with waking up staring into the face of Envy. Either way the shortest alchemist -
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PIPSQUEAK BLOT ULTRA SQUIRT?"
- is annoyed.
"STOP NARRATING ME!"
"Nii-san! You're making a scene!"
Finally a small voice of reason pipes up in the form of Alphonse Elric, the cuter, smarter, taller brother.
"CUTER!"
Lust sighs and flicks a lazy finger, skewering Ed to the wall by the coat. He hangs there, incensed and gagged by the other members of this strange and unusual band. They lounge around, hot, bored and in Roze's case, completely useless.
"So, explain to me again why we're here?"
The cast members are, of course, gathered for the production of the first episode of their show -
"You will tell me why we can't get out, or I will let Gluttony eat them all. Starting with the brat."
I will start by introducing myself. I am your captor, your God (cue gasp from Roze), I am the omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient...FMA Big Brother.
The quizzical looks from the team do not bode well.
I have captured you on the set of FMA and you will never escape my clutches. These walls are impervious to alchemy, bombs and Gluttony's mouth.
However, as time progresses, you will be allowed to move forward, one room at a time. On some occasions you may find yourself split up from other cast members ("Thank God, time away from the annoying shrimpy one." "WHO ARE YOU CALLING MMFH -") and on other occasions, joined by others. You will be expected to cooperate with my every wish and complete various tasks and ordeals for my pleasure.
Elsewhere (Military Headquarters):
In a separate room somewhere else on set, the rest of the cast is most definitely feeling the after effects of the choloroform I drugged them with. They are listlessly watching the big screen where the first seven have started a two way argument. Havoc is the only one watching with any kind of interest, which probably centres around the outcome of the death pool he's running.
"Fifty says Ed takes on Envy, using Roze as a shield."
"Fifty says he better." Winry is glowering at the quivering pink-haired freak. "She's useless!"
Whilst the two seem chipper, Colonel Mustang definitely isn't.
"Colonel? Orders please."
"Go 'way. Don't wanna go school today."
"Colonel, we've been captured, awaiting orders."
"...Order me coffee. Black."
"Sir?"
"Coffee, Lieutenant or I will start transmuting it using the loudmouth mechanic."
A wrench is incinerated as it flies through the air.
"No wonder Ed dislikes you...you...match-happy grump-master!"
"Miss Rockbell, I suggest that you don't do that again. Oh, and someone stop Kimbley from blowing up the food locker."
As we join the Magnificent Seven, Ed and Envy are squaring off across the room. Lust and Gluttony are contemplating ways out and Cornell and Roze appear to be praying.
"Freak!"
"Midget!"
"Palm-tree wannabe!"
"Shrimp!"
"SHUT UP!"
Lust rolls her eyes.
"Just shut up and get on with it. The sooner you've amused the control-freak the sooner we can move on. Try not to kill each other before then, please."
"Nii-san, she's right, we should try to cooperate."
Ed points a mail finger at the smirking Envy.
"I will cooperate if that thing is kept as far away from me as possible."
"Suits me fine, bean."
Big Brother requests that Al keeps Ed under control or punishment will occur.
Day Two
On Set (Liore):
Ed has disappeared in a strop, setting back everyone again. Envy has already come up with a plan to catch the predictable boy and bring him out for his punishment.
"Hey INSIGNIFICANT PIECE OF RICE BOY!"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY PIECE OF RICE SO SMALL IT'S LOST AMONGST FLEAS!"
Big Brother is happy to inform Alphonse Elric that harbouring his brother in his chest will result in Gluttony-Feeding-Duty.
"Sorry nii-san."
Edward Elric! You will be made an example of for defying me. Prepare to be...punished.
Ed is dragged forcefully dragged over to the wine spring.
"That's it? My punishment is to drink WINE? Obviously you've never dealt with minors before..."
"What nii-san means is "Oh no..oh no, wine." This is an adequate punishment."
Al kicks Ed significantly.
Edward Elric...drink.
He falls to it with gusto, happily slurping it up. No one is quite prepared for the change that happens next.
Ed stops swallowing.
His right eyeball starts to twitch.
He begins to shudder.
He spits out a now off-white mouthful of -
"MILK! I HATE MILK!"
Big Brother would like to remind the captives that Big Brother is well aware of your likes and dislikes.
"MILK! THIS IS A CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT YOU FIENDISH CONNIVING DEVIL PERSON!"
Big Brother would like to thank Ed. It was great fun thinking up that punishment. Big Brother would also like to remind Ed that if he doesn't keep drinking he will be separated from the group and any hopes of escaping my diabolic set-maze.
"I WON'T! I DON'T CARE! I WO-"
Lust has tripped the furious boy, throwing him into the vat of milk headfirst. The silence is blissful.
Big Brother offers thanks to Lust for shutting him up. For this the Sins may move forward one room. Edward, Alphonse, Roze and Cornello will stay put for the next trial.
On Set (Liore):
It's been two hours since the Sins left and Ed is celebrating by transmuting the milk fountain into lemonade. It will amuse him to know that Big Brother can supply more milk than he will ever transmute.
"You...you...waaaaaaaaah."
Recently he's fallen into hurling insults at Cornello in an attempt to liven things up. Cornello has seemingly been ignoring the goading, and has instead spent the past half-hour muttering suspiciously in a corner of the room. Big Brother suspects either illegal communication or insanity. Either one suits us fine as we prepare to announce the latest game - Gladiator... with a twist! No chimeras are too good for this, after all.
Elsewhere:
"What the hell is a chimera?"
In the deep, dark, cold, cellar that has been converted into a TV room, a guy who looks like a tramp stares at the screen and waves his fist in a gesture of anger.
"So it was you who took them! You fiend!"
The tramp appears to aspire to have some sort of chimera farm. Big Brother confirms this is all kinds of crazy.
Back on set, Ed seems to be ignoring any announcements and is still trying to goad Cornello, who appears to be preparing for some sort of ritual. Roze is doing her best to sink through the floor and failing. After a moment, Alphonse returns to the set and sits down beside Cornello who has apparently abandoned his ritual and appears to be attempting to construct some sort of barricade from a suitcase full of Roze's clothes. Wait, Roze's clothes? What?
"It's the most things we've got in here! It's not like she hasn't got plenty spare."
Roze appears to be trying to get sucked into the wall considering the floor is not willing to oblige.
A loud echoing growl is suddenly heard. Ed suddenly stops screaming at Cornello and looks suspiciously at Al, who tries to look innocent.
"Mmhm my stomach nii-san! I'm hungry!"
"...Al. You don't HAVE a stomach."
Cornello's building gets more frenzied as Ed walks very slowly up to his brother. Roze's whimpering is drowned out by a second screeching growl which appears to be coming from inside Al.
"Nii-san, it was lonely!"
"WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN THERE!"
"It was cold!"
"WHAT!"
Al's head flies off onto the floor. Silence is held for a moment, the other three staring fixedly at the suit's neck where a huge yellow paw scrabbles at the metal.
Big Brother is pleased to authorise the use of panic during this time.
The three oblige. Roze is now kicking at the priest's wall, showing some initiative for the first time since she arrived on set.
"It's just a kitty! It was hungry!"
"Oh and now it's pissed because you shut it in your chest! Thank you Al!"
"No problem brother."
"SARCASM! Okay, chimera-thing! I've got you!" yells the smallest member of the party.
"WHO ARE YOU-" He closes his eyes and takes deep breaths. He appears to be doing some sort of meditation technique to keep calm. Perhaps he realized that if he forgets about the chimera, he is liable to be eaten, or maybe -
"SHUT UP!"
Ed claps his hands together. Cornello looks at him like he is insane. Perhaps he is.
"This is NOT the time for a sing-a-long!"
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I'm surrounded by delusionals and halfwits!"
Hysterically, he transmutes his blade-arm.
"You aren't going to kill yourself, are you!" shrieks a high-pitched voice that permanently seems to scream 'damsel in distress'.
"And leave Al with you people? No chance!"
The chimera appears to have taken fancy to the shiny thing, also known as the blade-arm.
"What are you- OW!"
Big Brother would like to note that the Chimera Trust Fund needs your money to be able to manufacture Chimera Chew Toys. Details are available after the show.
"Be careful nii!"
"I WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF YOU HADN'T DECIDED TO NURSE IT! IT'S A HIDEOUS ABORTIVE FREAK!"
The 'hideous-abortive-freak' appears to have feelings too and it vocalises them in the form of shaking Ed like a doll. Al stumbles around blindly trying to catch Ed. Unfortunately the wailing damsel is clinging to his leg, which is definitely making things hard. Cornello has lapsed into insane laughter and is urging the chimera on.
"GO CRIME-AGAINST-GOD! Take that shorty! I'll show you who's a bald pedophile!"
Ed appears to have got his own back with some spectacular gymnastics that have enabled him to land on the chimera's back. Big Brother suspects this was aided by the chimera trying to flick the irritating little brat off its paw.
"GAH!"
Big Brother suggests that Ed turns around.
"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!"
Big Brother highly doubts that.
Al has cornered his clingy wench and is holding her at arm's length whilst attempting to clout the chimera. It's not going so well.
"THAT WAS MY LEG!"
"Sorry nii-san!"
Ed is now clinging on for dear life as the chimera rolls on its back. Cornello has fallen to giggling like a schoolgirl. Muffled screaming from under the chimera stops suddenly as a blue flash throws Ed from underneath it. Now, instead of him, lies half a tonne of assorted fish scraps. Big Brother requests that next time he chooses something less smelly. Big Brother would also like to inform housemates that trout is their dinner for tonight.
Four people race to the bathroom. None of them make it.
Big Brother apparently needs to hire some cleaners.
Roze is the first one to make it back out of the bathroom with a slightly deranged grin on her face. This is highly irregular. Big Brother is casually preparing a shotgun.
"Can I have a word?"
Big Brother is always willing to talk to the sane occupants of the set.
"I don't eat trout."
Big Brother is sorry, trout is really quite pleasant.
For once the rather bland exterior has cracked into a slightly psychotic, twitching mess.
"I DON'T eat trout. I will never eat trout. I will do anything just please, NO TROUT."
Anything? There's mops in the cupboard. Big Brother suggests you get to it.
Roze gets an evil glimmer in her eyes. Big Brother considers giving her chimera clean-up duty. She runs to get the mop like a rabbit on speed.
You know where the vomit is right? You did tread in it afterall.
The disgusted wail is almost worth the smell of the fish.
We keep biscuits in the cupboard by the brooms.
Back in the bathroom, Cornello wipes his mouth and groans slightly. He is so fixated on trying to stand up he doesn't see the masked man standing behind him with...a wrench? He doesn't even have time to scream.
Ed, Al, Roze, for defeating the chimera you may...MOVE ON!