Hello everyone! This is my first Rookie Blue fanfic. And it's my first fanfic in months. It's strange and exciting. I'm trying to get back into my writing mode or what I like to call my writing fingers.

I did want this chapter to be a bit longer, but I also need it posted today because I know if I watch tomorrow's episode, it'll mess with the entire beginning. Not so much the story, but starting it off is always the hardest part. I pull references from the 2 little snippets that are going to be in tomorrows episode Honor Roll (The scene where Sam's staring at Andy from down the hall and "It was what it was." scene... which drives me absolutely insane).

Anyways! I do not own Rookie Blue! I am just a humble and proud Canadian lover of it. None of it is mine.

Hope you enjoy!

Everything was back to normal. At least, it would be... Maybe.

"Agoraphobia. It's no laughing matter. But Traci, it was amazing. Well, you would know. But Andy, it was-... it was beautiful." Dov's eyes lit up as he sighed.

Traci and I exchanged wide eyed expressions.

"Don't be getting all mushy on us now, Officer Epstein," Traci joked.

"I'm not! But seriously, who would have thought something crazy like that would ever happen to me?" Dov asked in wonder. Traci scoffed and countered with, "Who would have ever thought something like that would ever happen to Gail?"

I laughed along with Traci. "Yeah. How'd she manage to get through that?" Gail was probably one of the last people anyone would want present during their delivery. Let alone one in their own house with only cops to assist. Dov's eyebrows rose matter-of-factly.

"She wasn't that bad actually. Well...," he trailed off in consideration. "Well...," he continued, thinking better of whatever was on his mind before.

Suddenly, his thoughtful expression became stern and solid, his relaxed posture, poised.

"Either something really depressing just happened behind me or Swarek is staring you down hardcore, McNally," Dov stated, barely moving his lips in an attempt to hide the fact he was talking to me.

I had a bad feeling, and I wanted to resist turning around. I knew I would regret it, yet I still turned slowly and cautiously towards him. At the end of the hall he stood there, not in uniform as Dov, Traci and I were, a hidden expression of brokenness etched on his face. It didn't take a genius to know I had ripped his heart out in the midst of my confusion.

'Or maybe you just wish you had torn his heart out.'

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him in any way.

'But you would like to know it effected him too.'

He continued watching me, standing still, staring at me like...

"Parade, everyone?" Chris asked, thankfully but also sadly pulling my attention away from Sam.

"Uh... yeah," I replied half-heartedly. Chris eyed both Traci and Dov in silence. He then exhaled very loudly and very awkwardly. I saw Traci raise an eyebrow at him. I looked behind me to find that Sam had disappeared, probably to the locker room. I considered following him.

'The locker room is not the place you want to be talking to him about last week.'

I turned back to Chris, Dov, and Traci. "Let's go," I said in a dull, flat voice, and I lead the way to the Parade Room.

I tried to pay more attention to what Oliver was saying, but my mind kept slipping back to Sam. My mind had been running wild ever since that day. As if I weren't being driven mad enough by the fact that I had shot and killed someone, going to my training officer's house and almost sleeping with him had done nothing to solve the problem. That wasn't 100% true though. In the short few moments, the moments when nothing was going through my mind but Sam, everything seemed resolved. His lips pressing against my face, my lips, and my neck. His hands running up and down my body. Everything was-

"McNally, you're with Swarek," Oliver called. I snapped out of my reverie, realizing I had missed the entire parade, and focused on what he had just said to me. 'Swarek... I was paired with Sam. An entire day with Sam... Oh god.'

"And Diaz, you'll be with me. Epstein and Peck, you two are stuck in the barn," Oliver finished up. "Alright everyone! Protect, Serve, and get out of here." Oliver waved everyone away.

I stood up quickly. Sam had already left the Parade Room, so I ran out after him.

Sam was nowhere in sight, so I leaned against the wall. I'd see him eventually. 'We have to talk eventually.' Not that I really knew what to say. 'Just tell him the truth. Just tell him why you ran,' I thought to myself. I wasn't even sure I knew the reason. 'You ran because you were scared. As usual. You're too scared to trust anyone.' It was true. I had extreme trust issues, particularly with guys. But deep down, I knew the problem wasn't that I didn't trust Sam - I trusted him with my life.

...Just not with my heart.

The part that worried me the most was that it took Luke's phone call to fully break me out of my trance. Sam was not the person I should have been with. 'Why did I even go to him in the first place?'

'Because he genuinely cares,' the other voice in my head countered.

I had to admit, I had hoped Luke would care a little more than he appeared to, but it's not like he didn't care at all. He cared. 'Just maybe not enough for you.'

I looked up from the floor to see Sam approaching me. I unhitched myself from the wall and uncrossed my arms, cutting him off in the hallway. His eyebrows raised attentively, and I struggled for the right thing to say.

"Sam-, Sir," I corrected. I shook my head slightly, trying to get the right words to fall into place in my mind. "Uh... About before..."

He raised his hand to stop me. "Don't worry about it, McNally."

"How can I not worry about it?" I asked with a tint of anger and a frown on my face.

Sam sighed. "Look, it was what it was," he said venially. This wasn't going as I had hoped it would. Though I didn't really know what to expect. I never really knew what to expect from Sam. 'At least, he isn't rubbing it in your face...' He tried to pass me, so I cut him off again.

"What do you mean, 'it was what it was?'" I asked. The expression set on his face was hard to read. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by someone calling my name.

"Andy!"

I turned around and Saw Luke coming up to us. My head whipped back to Sam. I could feel a trace amount of water filling my eyes. His lips twitched up slightly in a pathetic attempt at a smile which dissolved quickly. He nodded and brushed past me down the hall.

"Andy. Hey, how are you?" Luke asked, placing a hand on my shoulder. I turn to face him, head hanging slightly.

"I'm fine," I lied before I could even really consider the question. I stared past Luke to watch Sam turn the corner and disappear.

"Did you hear about the case? One of the families gave a huge thanks to us for catching the guy. You did it Andy McNally," he told me happily. I straightened up feeling like the world just shattered around me. 'This. I left Sam and ruined our relationship... for this?'

"You're kidding me, right?" I asked in a very serious tone.

"What's wrong?" Luke asked innocently.

I shook my head, fighting the tears again. The hurt I was feeling was written all over my face. "Andy?" Luke asked gently. He raised his hand to my face which I backed away from. At that moment, I didn't want him touching me. After being frozen in place, I gave a resentful laugh and wandered away. There was no place I was actually going, but I wanted to be away from him. After walking around, I ran into Dov walking towards the front desk.

"Another day with Swarek, huh?"

I scoffed. "Yeah...great. And I can't even find him."

"He seemed pissed off too. You know, more pissed off than usual." Dov laughed as he sat down at one of the chairs behind the desk. Even in my horrible situation, I did not envy him having to spend the day with Gail. "I didn't even think that was-" Dov suddenly looked down at piece of paper sitting on the desk. "Best of luck to you," he said shortly. I raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"McNally!"

I pivoted towards Sam who was finally in uniform. "Sir," I replied. He stopped in front of me and paused briefly. Another officer approached the both of us who I had only seen a few times before. He was older than me, probably even older than Sam, and had a very unimpressed expression.

"McNally, this is Officer Banks. He's going to be your T.O. for the day," Sam said monotonously. My eyes darted between him and Banks. My day was going from bad to worse to...whatever followed worse.

"But- I-... Okay," I surrendered with a small, disappointed nod.

"Okay, McNally, is it?" Banks asked. I nodded without taking my eyes off Sam. He was frozen staring back at me, only his chest rose up and down slightly. "Well, lets go," he said, and he started leading me towards the squad cars. He then spurted out useless rules and reminders that I either already knew or didn't care about. I lingered behind, eyes locked with Sam's, until I sighed and followed after Officer Banks, trying to ignore my shame.

'Maybe everything isn't back to normal...'

Oi! Andy is not having a good day. Now worries though, it gets worse. But then it gets better. But then it gets worse. But in theory, it'll all be well..

Anyways, I really hope you guys liked it. It'll improve once the concept of action comes into play. Let me know what you think about it, if you want me to incorporate anything, if it something about it didn't make sense, etc. Thank you all for reading all the way down to this last bit.

RxR,
MichaellaLoe