Into My Darkness
By, Tarawen

I'm not a good man, I haven't had claim to that name since I was sired. But I'm not an evil man anymore either though, not since she came into my life.

Sometimes I wish it were simple. The way Angel puts it there is some cosmic balance, and that if we pay with enough good deeds the evil ones are erased. But that's not true, I know it – and somewhere in that bloody soul of his, Angel knows it too.

No matter how many people I help, no matter how many times I save the world, those people I killed will still be dead.

I stalked past her door for what must have been the hundredth time – I didn't deserve to have her, I knew that. Hell that soul I fought so hard to win screamed it at me. But yet there I was standing in front of her doorway.

I raised my hand towards the doorbell, a shudder coursed through my body. Would she want to see me? She didn't even know I was still alive; well okay not alive, undead – she didn't know I hadn't been eaten along with the Hellmouth. No, someone dug me up and handed me back to this world, no rest for the weary and damned I guess…

I pressed my hand against the door, I wanted to scream – I loved her, I wanted her back more than anything else in the world.

Another shudder coursed through my body, but I fought this one back. Here I was, William the Bloody – Spike, destroyer of live, badass vampire – cowering at the thought of talking to a girl.

I frowned at the door, it was mocking me, and I could almost see the smile in the wood panels that made it up. Abruptly I knocked hard on the door twice. Take that…but there was that mocking smile again, I'd knocked, I'd done it – she'd be here any minute to answer.

The door clicked open, and there was the little bit, or as she was properly called by every one else, Dawn, "Uh…your sister home?" I asked hesitantly.

"Spike…" her eyes widened in a mixture of surprise and then happiness, she'd always liked me, mostly I suspected because she'd never seen my bad side. Suddenly excited she grinned, "Yeah – just a minute, wow – I mean I hope that you guys…I mean –" she giggled nervously pressing a hand over her mouth and quickly running to a nearby side door – "Buffy!"

"Could I come in?" I asked pressing myself against the doors bearer.

"Oh yeah – totally, come in!" She paused a moment, "Buffy!"

With another hasty glance at me she scurried into another room, it was good to see the little bit's enthusiasm hadn't been curbed by anything she'd seen.

I shifted my feet, unsure if I should say something.

Then suddenly she was there, standing frozen of the threshold of the room. I froze too – I wanted to say something, break the silence, but my tongue felt like lead.

"Spike…" she whispered it in a hesitant way, as if she wasn't sure if I was there or if she wanted me to.

Finally my mouth started to work again, but before I could think anything through words spilled from my mouth, "Uh yeah – just thought I'd stop by, see how you and the little bit are…uh doing."

"I thought…" she rocked forward as if contemplating taking a step towards me, "I thought that you'd…Sunnydale it…if we'd known you were still there…"

"I wasn't, just a pretty necklace – it…what's it…the thing absorbed my essence or some such, spent a time as a ghosty in L.A. and then uh…well point is I'm not…gone," I took a step closer to her.

"You were in L.A.?" Buffy said shocked, "Angel never said…I mean he never told me that you…"

"He wouldn't…told him not to bother…not that he would have anyway," I paused watching her face.

She suddenly walked across the room to me and pressed one firm hand to my cheek, her hand lowered slowly – she smelled so nice after so long without her scent to grace my presence. "I thought maybe I'd dreamed it," she hesitated again as though she'd said too much.

"I…" I realized I had no idea what to say, so I simply raised my hand to brush her face lightly, before I could lower my hand again she grabbed onto it, pulling me closer to herself.

Looking up at me her eyes shone with something I hadn't seen from her in some time, need. She needed me, she needed my type of comfort – needed my darkness to hide in once again. I pulled her into my arms and pressed my lips to hers, at first softly and then harder. She guided or bodies the next room and pushed the door closed by slamming me into it.

We hadn't had this since before I got my soul – but we both needed it, had to have it.

So maybe, at least while I lived, my darkness wasn't such a bad thing.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed it, thank you for reading – reviews would be awesome!