She's dead .
The thought cycled through Buffy's mind over and over again. She couldn't stop it. It just kept attacking her mind, waiting for her to finally breakdown and cry, but she never did, and that's what scared her. She hadn't cried since her mother's death. Was it because she had cried herself dry? Was that even possible? Was she just too miserable and depressed to even shed a tear?
She didn't even cry when her father took Dawn away to LA.
Not even when she got the news that Dawn took her own life not long afterwards.
She was alone again.
Buffy had stopped crying, feeling, eating and sleeping. She was just an empty shell, waiting to crack. Her friends tried to talk to her, tried to make her eat, but she refused. Giles looked at his slayer in pity. He hated seeing her like this. He hated watching her waste away. The other day he tried to stop her from going out to patrol, but she just stared at him and told him, in a cold monotone voice, that she was the slayer and that she had to do it, then walked out the door. She came home hours later, covered in cuts and bruises, and when he tried to bandage and wash them; she shook him off and told him to leave her alone.
Spike watched her. He watched her when she patrolled, noticing every detail and every problem. He watched her from her window sometimes when she was asleep and stared at her in pity when he would see her tear-stained face. He studied every change in her body, soul, eyes, everything.
He noticed, as the days past, the circles under her eyes becoming darker, more prominent. He noticed her face, how gaunt and pale it had become. He noticed how thin she had become.
He noticed when she stopped crying and feeling.
He noticed when she became an empty shell, devoid of emotion.
When he stepped into the Summers residence, at first he was surprised when there was no invisible barrier blocking him from entering. Then he remembered that Willow decided to invite him in just a few days ago since he asked to help with Buffy. He nodded to himself and looked around the house. His eyes fell upon a photo, lying on the coffee table. He walked up to it, and immediately felt his heart tear open.
It was a photo of Buffy and Dawn. They were wrapped in each other's arms, smiling and laughing. He couldn't bear to look at Dawn's face for no longer than a few seconds without wanting to cry. The thing that really broke his heart was Buffy's face. Her expression. She was so happy, so full of life, her eyes showed so much colour. Now when he looked at her face, he saw how miserable she was, her depression slowly wrapping itself around her, pulling her into the darkness.
He stared at the photo, mesmerized by the two sisters, for a long time. His attention was so focused on the photo of Buffy from the past that he wasn't paying attention when the present Buffy stood behind him, her arms crossed.
Finally he sensed her. His body went rigid. He didn't want to look away from the past Buffy and stare into the eyes of a careless, unfeeling, dead inside Buffy. But he had no choice. Plus, it'd look a little awkward to just have him standing, his back facing Buffy, and talking to her.
Spike turned around and smiled warmly at the slayer. But his smile faltered when he saw the expression on her face. It was like a slap in the face, and a hard, cold voice was screaming at him to drop that smile on his face and think about how the slayer was feeling.
She was feeling depressed, he knew that. She looked angry. He feared that.
"What the hell are you doing in my house?" she asked, coldly. Her eyes digging into his chest like sharp, pointy daggers. If he had a soul, the metaphorical daggers probably would've dug into it as well.
Spike awkwardly shifted his weight to one foot and held out his hands.
"Right then. Caught me."
Buffy only raised her eyebrows at him, telling him to continue. Right. Now that she'd changed,her responses from "Spike Annoying Buffy and Buffy Saying an Insult and Punching Him", had changed to: "Spike Annoying Buffy and Buffy Giving Him The Silent Treatment But Mentally Stabbing Him 57 Times in the Chest, Including Raised Eyebrows if She Wanted Him to Continue."
This was a different Buffy.
He had to admit. He was kind of glad she didn't say anything to him. He cleared his throat and continued, since her eyebrows were becoming intimidating.
"I just wanted to see if you were okay."
Buffy just stared at him. She nodded slightly and let out a cold, harsh laugh.
"Oh, well that's just great, Spike." She said his name with so much venom that Spike actually flinched.
"Do you know how exhausting it is to smile at everyone and tell them that you're okay? When really you just want to waste away and die? Or when you want to stop everything and just curl into a ball and shut the world away? Do you, Spike?" She shouted at him, her anger pouring out of her.
Spike was taken aback by her words. They crushed him. He opened his mouth to say something, but he didn't know what to say, and just stood there. He was too surprised to say anything. He'd just have to wait for the right moment.
He just shook his head.
"Yeah, feel free to laugh at me. 'Oh! The slayer's a mess right now! Crying and wasting away, too pathetic to even live!'" she said, making a terrible impersonation of Spike's accent.
Spike tried to hold back a grin. As terrible as this was, watching her act this way, he found it amusing when Buffy mocked him. He shook his head again and said,
"No, Buffy. That's not even close to what I would say"
He walked closer to her, and with each step he moved forward towards her, she took a step back. She clearly did not want to receive comfort from anyone. She was in such a fragile state at the moment that her depression seemed to be the only thing holding her together. The small pieces of Buffy that seemed to be cracking bit by bit as each day went by, until the last crack and then she'd finally break apart.
Spike couldn't let that happen.
He had to fix the cracks, or prevent the last crack from breaking her. He chose his words carefully before speaking.
"Let me help you, luv"
Buffy was shaking her head frantically, backing away from him. She held out her hands, which were shaking, as if she was trying to protect herself from a terrifying monster.
"S-stop" she whispered, causing Spike to stop walking towards her.
"What was that?" he asked softly.
"Stop doing this… s-stop trying to get to me with your 'luvs' and- and 'pets'"
Spike raised his eyebrows, taken a little by surprise, and sighed saying, "Fine then. Buffy… what do you want? What are you trying to say?" he was about to say 'luv' again, but he held his tongue, and instead cleared his throat.
"I w-want you t-to get out. I-I don't want your pity or…or none of your 'I wanna help you' because… because you can't," her voice shook as she was trying to control all the emotions that were fighting to come out of her, "I just… I can't deal with it anymore! I can't deal with people's problems, I can't deal with having to pretend all the time, and I'm sick and tired of it!"
This was it. Spike knew Buffy was breaking apart with each word she said. Now he just had to think of a way to turn things around and make the cracks mend and fix themselves.
"I just want to be alone, Spike! Just let me be alone, please, I have to." She told him, almost whispering the last few words.
Alone. That was it. That was what he had to hear, and now he just had to talk and pray for the best.
"Alone! That's what you always want! Why? Being alone will just make things worse, it'll-"
"I'm always alone, Spike!" she shouted, cutting him off. "At the end of the day, people come to me with their problems, forgetting about mine, and hoping I could fix theirs. Then, once they're all fine and dandy, they just leave and don't even bother to ask about my problems, because I'm the slayer, and I should be perfect and strong and not broken inside!"
"And obviously," she continued, "I'm not perfect! I also have some fucked up problems, but it's not like anyone's going to help me with them! They just leave me alone, and hope the problem will just fix itself and everything will be better, since they don't want to see their leader all pathetic and weak! There's no comfort shoulder or hugs! Just the darkness getting ready to swallow the slayer whole because in the end, no matter what shit she's dealing with, no matter who she's with, the slayer always ends up-"
Spike lunged forward, and pinned her against the wall, cutting her off by surprise. Her eyes widened for a second, then she glared at him.
"Alone. I get it. But that doesn't mean you should shut every bloody one of us out! You can't keep doing this, slayer… luv," he said. Buffy flinched at the word 'luv'. Spike continued, "We… I hate just watching you give up! The Buffy I knew wouldn't do this; she would go and seek some comfort from the bloody Scoobies. She wouldn't shut herself out from the world!"
Buffy scrunched up her face in anger and shoved him off of her, punching him in the face. He fell to the floor.
"The Buffy you knew, Spike, is long gone. So I'm sorry if you don't like who I am now." She said harshly, and kicked him in the ribs. He held in a scream and rolled to the side, grunting in pain when the floor made contact with his ribs- Buffy knew how to cause pain, he thought, and then got up, facing her.
"Are you trying to be a pain in the ass, Slayer?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I disappoint you? Were you hoping to make some inspiring speech that will make me fall for you and we'd go shopping and get ice cream and pretend everything's all fine?" she shot back, she clenched her hands into fists.
Spike remained silent. He really did not like her attitude right now, but he still had to help her. He continued to stare at her pale and gaunt face, studying her emotions. He saw the fire in her eyes go out and knew that this was her final breaking point.
They continued to stare at eachother when all of a sudden, Buffy burst into tears, and before she could fall, Spike wrapped her in his arms and held her close. All of Buffy's pain poured out of her, and she made no use of trying to hold it in. She held on to Spike for support, afraid to let go.
Eventually she calmed down and drifted into a deep sleep. He slowly unwrapped himself from her grasp and stared at her face, even though her face was gaunt and haunted with memories from the past, she still looked beautiful. She always looked beautiful to him. He wiped her tears away and smiled at her.
"I know you can't hear me, pet. I know I'm a monster but you treat me like a man and that's… and that's probably the best thing you could do for me, pet. I want to be a man and help make you better. We're gonna fix those little cracks of yours." He was about to say 'I love you', but held his tongue.
Not yet, he thought. Someday he'll tell her, but for now, he'll just focus on the healing.
"We'll get through this" he whispered in her ear, and held her close to him again, holding all the pieces of her together.