A/N – Headcannon warning. Pepper and Tony didn't work out, but remain friends. More importantly: COULSON LIVES. That is all.
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When Tony walks into the morning meeting half an hour late, nobody is surprised. The gang is making use of his expansive kitchen, scrambling to get waffles and eggs before Thor shows up and decimates the food. Steve is at the stove, flipping the pancakes through the air with a flourish. Clint is at the counter beside him, portioning the food on plates with one hand and reaching over to flip bacon with the other. Natasha and Coulson are sitting at the high counter with their coffee, watching the scene unfold with identical expressions. That is to say, none.
"Coffee," Tony says, coming to lean against the far side of the high counter, in lieu of 'good morning.'
"Try 'please', Stark," Clint advises, not taking his eyes off the bacon.
"Please… kiss my ass, Barton," Tony replies in a sing-song voice.
"Children," Coulson says, mildly, "Behave."
Clint mutters under his breath but listens, finishing up the bacon and beginning to distribute it onto the plates.
Tony's sure to be snarky reply is cut off by Steve waving a large mug of coffee under his nose, before setting it on the tabletop.
"Oh, Cap," Tony says, taking a long sip before continuing. "Did you ever know…that you're my hero?"
Clint snorts with laughter, but Steve just shakes his head in amusement.
"Bruce has been catching me up on music, Tony. I understood that reference."
"Damn," Tony says, shrugging and going back to his coffee.
"Where is Banner, anyway?" Natasha asks, "It's not like him to be late."
"Oh, right!" Tony exclaims suddenly, very nearly spilling some of the precious coffee.
It's then that the others realize that Tony's t-shirt is bulging and moving against his stomach.
"No claws!" he gasps, reaching under his shirt and pulling out a tiny calico kitten with deep brown eyes.
"Aw, hey, buddy," Steve says, moving to scratch the kitten behind the ears. "When did you get a cat?" he asks Tony.
"I didn't," Tony says, "He was in my bed when I woke up."
"OK…?" Clint says, sharing a confused glance with Natasha.
"When I went to bed, the cat wasn't in it," Tony says, grinning wickedly.
"But," Natasha says, realizing all too suddenly where this was going.
"But Bruce was," Tony confirms, sipping coffee with one hand and petting the kitten with the other.
The kitten is seemingly uninterested in the going-ons around him and is curled up on the counter, letting Tony pet him.
The team, to their credit, doesn't even bat an eye at the revelation. Coulson, however, does hold out his hand to Clint, who grudgingly hands over a twenty dollar bill. Tony ignores them both.
"You can't possibly think that cat is Bruce," Natasha says, shooting him an incredulous look.
Tony's fairly proud of himself for making her have an actually identifiable facial expression.
"Alien robot army from outer space," he counters, shrugging.
"I…fuck," Natasha says, conceding the point.
Coulson groans before placing his empty coffee mug to the table.
"I'll go try and find Thor. This screams of Loki. And so, SO much paperwork."
He breezes out after putting his dish in the sink, leaving the others to stare at Tony and the possible Bruce-cat.
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"Maybe Bruce just went to the gym. He does yoga, right?" Clint asks, staring at the cat with a mix of suspicion and curiosity.
"He has bedroom mats for that," Tony replies, absently, smacking Clint's hand away as he tries to give the kitten some bacon.
"Don't feed my cat bacon," he says.
"But Bruce likes bacon," Steve says, happily tucking into his plate of food.
"You believe this?" Tony asks, genuinely surprised.
"I'll believe almost anything is possible at this point," Steve replies, "Even the impossible things."
"Not a lot beats alien robot army from outer space," Natasha agrees.
"I think it was a different realm, entirely," Tony corrects before wrinkling his nose at the idea. "Doesn't have the same ring to it, though."
The kitten chooses that moment to mewl loudly and swat at Tony's hand with its tiny paws.
"No bacon," Tony says, "It's bad for your little kitten heart."
The kitten looks up at him, giving the full effect of his wide brown eyes in a pleading expression.
"He has to eat something," Natasha rationalizes.
Tony rolls his eyes.
"Fine," he says to the kitten, "one piece. Then I'll get you some tuna or something. Jarvis, do we have tuna?"
"In the cupboard, sir," Jarvis replies, sounding like he'd just been woken from a nap. Clint thinks it's impressive for an artificial intelligence system, actually.
"Good," Tony says, watching the kitten gnaw on the bacon with a blissed out expression on its tiny face.
"Since when do you care so much about healthy food choices?" Steve laughs, "Coffee is like two-thirds your diet."
"One-fourth, thank you very much," Tony replies, "Then one-fourth breakfast foods, one-fourth alcohol, and one-fourth espresso. Which is completely different from coffee."
"How are you even alive?" Steve asks, shaking his head.
"Genius technology and a remarkable sense of calm in horrifying circumstances," Tony replies, deadpan, tapping his fingers against the arc reactor beneath his tshirt.
"I didn't mean…" Steve says, contrite.
"Relax, Cap," Tony says, brushing it off, "A sense of humor never killed anyone."
"You've never been to Durmistazinston, clearly," Natasha says, mildly.
"There's no way that's a real place,' Tony says, causing Clint to laugh and even Steve to give a small chuckle.
"Not anymore," Natasha says, looking at Tony and giving him a wide, beautiful smile.
Tony, aptly terrified, decides to drop the subject.
"So," Clint says, "What are we gonna do with a kitten until Thor shows up?"
Tony's eyes light up as he thinks and Natasha raises her eyebrows at the sight.
"This is only going to end badly," she says.
Clint gives her a knowing look. "You're in, then?"
"Oh, totally," she says, "It'll be fun."
Steve just remains quiet and puts the rest of the dishes into the sink. It should all be amusing, if nothing else.
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Within an hour, Tony's built a spectacular cat play-house out of scraps of wood and metal and carpet that he had lying around his shop. Kitty, as the others aren't quite comfortable calling him Bruce, plays on it for all of five minutes before trotting back to Tony and pawing at his crossed legs.
"You're right," Tony says, "I should've put in a kitten bed. My mistake."
The other three exchange incredulous looks, but say nothing. They're all in Tony's gigantic rec room, watching Tony and Kitty interact in amusement.
"I'm still not positive it's Bruce," Clint whispers to Natasha.
"Well, there's no real way to te…" she trails off as the idea hits her and Clint at the same time.
They share matching grins, which immediately makes Steve wary.
"Guys, no. Don't even think about it," he says, grabbing Clint's shooting arm.
He doesn't dare try to grab Natasha.
"I wouldn't shoot him!" Clint whispers, harshly, "Just *near* him. Scare him a little. What's the worst that can happen?"
"Do the math," Natasha says, calmly, "The Hulk is gigantic, especially compared to a kitten. But he starts out as human sized. How big could a Hulk cat get, really?"
"Possibly the size of a giant mountain lion," Steve says, eyes wide.
"See? That's nothing," Clint says, shrugging.
"I…that… it really doesn't matter what I say here, does it?" Steve sighs, giving up.
"It'll be fine, Cap," Natasha says, "I can put down a mountain lion without killing it. Easy."
"That's actually oddly reassuring," Steve admits, relaxing.
"I don't even need an arrow," Clint says, pulling a slingshot and ball out of his pocket.
The others watch with silent anticipation as Clint takes aim at the stack of dvd cases on the table beside Tony and Kitty. The towers of cases goes down beautifully, scattering all around the kitten in a noisy heap.
There's a loud shrieking meow and a cloud of poofing cat hair, and the next thing they know, there's a lion sized kitten on Tony's lap.
A very, very, green lion-sized kitten.
"Dammit, Barton!" Tony cries as the weight of the cat pushes him to his back.
Bruce, now that they've been convinced of his identity, backs up immediately, as if mindful of the arc reactor.
"Hey, it's ok," Tony soothes, sitting up slowly and reaching out to rub the cat's head.
"It's still a kitten," Natasha says, humming thoughtfully, "Wasn't expecting that."
"A really big kitten," Steve says.
"He's adorable," Clint adds, shrugging when the others give him a look. "What? I can be a man and think animals are adorable. Shut up."
"He is kinda cute," Steve agrees, "I've never seen a green lion before."
"I have," Natasha says, sounding impossibly bored for the situation.
"You never told me this story," Clint says, turning to her with a wounded expression, "I told you all my crazy animal stories."
"I'll tell you later," Natasha promises, giving him a small smile.
Steve suddenly feels way too large sitting between them and their moment.
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Lion-Kitten-Bruce is curled up beside Tony, one massive paw on his thigh as he flips idly through the channels on the TV.
"This is a lot less interesting than I was expecting," Clint says, sounding disappointed.
"Better than massive property damage, I guess," Steve offers.
Natasha moves her hands in the air as if weighing the two options.
"Eh," she decides, "Fifty-fifty."
Steve just stares at her for a moment before shaking his head and laughing.
"You guys want to go get ice cream or something?"
"Gelato," Natasha decides, "I call the bike."
"My motorcycle?" Steve asks, "But that's my ride…"
"You can sit behind me," Natasha says, sweetly.
Clint pats Steve on the arm in solidarity.
"Not worth the fight, trust me. Plus, she looks hot riding. You won't be sorry."
Steve's mother always taught him to never say anything inappropriate when there were ladies present. He's pretty sure she never would have needed to decide whether a master assassin qualified as a lady or not, but he keeps his thoughts to himself all the same.
If he maybe watches Natasha's ass a little too long when she climbs on the bike, well, that's nobody's business but his own.
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A sudden crackle across the TV screen alerts Tony to Thor's presence.
"Ahh, Sister Golden Hair," he greets Thor, "about time."
"I know not of this golden haired maiden of whom you speak," Thor replies, "But I can see my brother's handiwork is at play here."
"We gathered that, big guy," Tony says, "Can you fix it?"
Thor takes in the scene before replying. Tony is resting on the floor with his back against the couch. The giant green kitten Thor assumes is Bruce is lying beside him, resting his head on Tony's knee. Tony has one hand resting on Bruce's head, rubbing it occasionally.
"This is rather sweet," Thor says, giving them a kind smile. "Such love."
"Whoa whoa whoa," Tony says, looking up at him with wide eyes, "We're not saying all that yet. We're not even officially dating. We're just…"
"Engaging in fornication?" Thor supplies.
"No!" Tony says, "Well, ok, yes. But it's not just that. It's just… it's complicated."
"It is very complicated to love somebody that has a beast within," Thor agrees, companionably.
Tony gives him a small smile, looking down at the sleeping creature on his leg.
"Yeah," he agrees, "But I'm pretty sure he loves me anyway."
Before Thor can comment, Tony clears his throat loudly and continues.
"So, can you fix it or not?"
Thor shakes his head.
"I cannot. But I've seen this spell many times in our youth. It should wear off by tomorrow. Fear not."
"Ah," Tony says, shrugging. "I guess we just wait, then. Ooh, Point Break is just starting. Let's watch."
Thor considers leaving for a moment but then decides to just go with it.
"Very well," he says, sitting down beside Tony and stretching out his long legs in front of him. "Tell me of this movie," he demands.
"Shh," Tony replies, "Just watch."
And so Thor, god of thunder, settles down and enjoys the show.
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It's somewhere in the middle of the night when Tony wakes up, temporarily disoriented at not being in his bed, or his workshop. Even more confusing is the fact that he's sure he'd been sitting up when the movie started, but now he's lying on his stomach, against a very naked, but blissfully human, Bruce Banner.
To top it off, a blanket has appeared over them, as if they'd been tucked in.
"Hey," he whispers to Bruce, nudging their noses together before pushing back and moving to the floor to lean on his side.
Bruce comes awake slowly, blinking at Tony and their surroundings in obvious confusion, right before everything comes crashing back to him.
"Oh god," he says, groaning, "Tell me all of that was a dream. Please."
Tony chuckles. "Afraid not, Doc. But don't worry, you were the cutest giant green kitten ever. No competition."
"I hate Loki. So much," Bruce sighs. "How'd we get here, anyway?"
"We were watching a movie with Thor," Tony says, "Fell asleep. I think he might have tucked us in."
"Before or after I turned back into me?" Bruce asks, not sure which one would be worse.
"No idea," Tony says, shrugging. "Doesn't matter. You're a good pillow, either way."
"Can we just go to bed?" Bruce asks, stretching out his tired muscles.
"Why Doctor Banner, are you propositioning me?" Tony gasps, shooting him serious look that's only betrayed by the glint in his eyes.
"I wouldn't dare," Bruce replies, "Not with such a pure and virtuous man such as yourself, Mr. Stark."
Tony kisses him suddenly, gripping the shock of curls in his hair.
"I missed your voice," he says in a low whisper, "The way you talk to me."
Bruce smirks. "I could hear yours," he says, "it was a little distorted, but I could still hear everyone."
Tony considers that for a moment before standing up and pulling Bruce with him.
"Bed," he says, smiling fondly as Bruce wraps the blanket around himself like a parka.
They make their way to Tony's room in sweet silence.
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When they wake up for the second time, the late-morning sun is pouring through the windows Tony forgot to have Jarvis darken, and he curses at the brightness.
"He means please close the blinds, Jarvis," Bruce mumbles, burying his head into Tony's shoulder.
"Very well," Jarvis says, casting the room into a pleasant dim glow.
"Thank you," Bruce says, pinching Tony's leg until he also murmurs his thanks.
Jarvis goes silent, apparently appeased.
They lie there for a while, just soaking up the feeling of being wrapped around each other, warm and safe for the moment.
"You're not a beast," Bruce says, suddenly, as fuzzy memories flood back.
"Hmm?" Tony asks, sleepily.
"Tony," Bruce says, pulling him back so he lies on his back, and Bruce leans up on his elbow and looks at him.
"What?" Tony says, eyes opening at the tone in Bruce's voice.
"I remember what you said," Bruce says, "Kind of. Thor said something about love being hard with someone who has a beast within them."
"You're imagining things," Tony says, "Come on, we don't have to be awake yet…."
"Tony," Bruce says again, not being swayed by Tony's bedroom eyes for once.
"Alright, fine, he said that," Tony says, "he was obviously talking about his nut-job brother."
"I heard what you said," Bruce says, softly, and the kindness in his voice makes Tony want to hide.
"Yeah, well… yeah," Tony says, "It is what it is."
"Of the two of us," Bruce says, "You think that you're the monster?"
"We all have our issues, Doctor," Tony says, not admitting, but not denying.
Bruce sighs, but leans down and kisses Tony's neck, nipping at it a little, the way Tony likes.
"You're right," he says, once they're laying back down, fingers interwined.
"Oh?" Tony says, voice level but his grip suddenly weaker. Unsure.
"I do love you," Bruce says, squeezing Tony's hand tightly.
"Oh," Tony says again. "Ok, good. I'm glad."
Bruce laughs outright at that.
"Really? I tell you I love you and you say you're glad?"
"I can't," Tony says, turning his head away to avoid Bruce's eyes.
"It's ok," Bruce starts to say before Tony cuts him off.
"Not yet," he finishes, "Can't say it yet. But I… just.. not yet, alright?"
Bruce moves to curl around him, wrapping them together.
"Take your time," he says, nuzzling Tony's neck. "But not too much of it, if you don't mind."
Tony laughs, but turns to face Bruce all the same. He reaches up and traces his thumb across Bruce's full lips, leaning forward to kiss across the same path.
"Those terms are contradictory, Doctor," he teases.
Bruce just grins.
The unspoken "so are we" lingers in the air, until they fill it with sweeter sounds.
They never make it to work that morning. Coulson fills out the sick-day paperwork with half a smile on his face.
Sometimes, everything is good.
THE END.