Author's Note: Although I'm certainly not new within the Once Upon a Time fandom, this is my first OUAT fic. I do hope you enjoy it, and feedback is always highly appreciated.
Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time or any of its characters, I do however like to borrow them but I promise to return them completely unscratched. Ahem... almost completely unscratched.
She could not sleep that night; the day's events refusing to leave her mind, even for only a second. The nose. The fingers. The nose. The eyes. His eyes. Neal's eyes.
The scream… That beautiful scream; more beautiful than anything she had ever heard before. It was unfortunate, really. She did not want to love that scream, could not let herself love that scream. It would do nothing but hurt her, she knew; thinking about it was merely stupid, idiotic, but the harder she tried to push it out of her mind, the louder it got.
Why did it feel like this anyway? Why did it feel like her heart had been ripped out and torn into a million tiny pieces? It was not supposed to feel this way; it was not supposed to matter. She had known from the very beginning that this would have to be the way it all came together. This was the best outcome for everyone involved and she never really did have a choice. She had known all along she would not be able to keep him, so how come giving him up hurt this badly? How could it be so painful to lose someone you never even knew? It did not make sense, and yet here she was; alone in a prison cell, glistening tears silently making their way down her flushed cheeks, wanting nothing more than to hold her baby. Her baby. Her son.
This was all Neal's fault; if it was not for him, none of this would ever have happened. She was an idiot for letting herself trust him in the first place; she should have known better. When in her life had trusting someone actually worked out in her favor? No, even the seemingly nicest of people eventually let you down, gave up on you, left you. Neal was certainly no exception. Maybe this was her own fault after all; her fault for ever putting her faith in Neal. She would make sure never to repeat that mistake; make sure never to trust anyone again. From now on, her life would be devoted to herself, and herself only; she truly was better off alone. It was not like she had anyone who would care.
Maybe the baby would have cared, loved her even, but now she would never know. Of course, neither would the kid; never would he know his mother, probably growing up to hate her for abandoning him. Who the hell was she to refuse a child his mother, knowing full well how much it hurts? Knowing full well what it is like spending a lifetime seeking answers, believing no one in the entire world gives a damn. Not even your own parents.
Some comfort could be taken in the fact that he would have a family, something she never had, at least not for long, she was just praying to the god she did not believe in they would love him at least half as much as she did. They should, he was the most beautiful child she had ever seen.
She had to take a moment to remind herself, ensure herself, she never could have kept the baby. How would she have raised him? In the car? By stealing to get by? What a great example she would have set… No, even if she had wanted to, which she did not, there was no way it would have ever worked.
She really had to stop thinking about it. Why was it still going through her mind anyway? The only explanation she could come up with was that she must truly hate herself; her mind enjoying every moment of excruciating pain it put her through. The image of his face was still completely clear in her mind; the feeling of his light frame in her arms, his tiny little hand wrapping around her much larger index finger. Holding him had been the most amazing, yet saddest and confusing, thing she had ever experienced and the time during which she held him had gone by way too fast, but had still felt like hours; she had wanted so much more, needed so much more, but when the nurse carefully pried him out of her arms, she had complied. A gentle kiss on his soft forehead and he was gone, never to be seen by her again. It had only been a few hours since, but she knew that moment would always stick with her. She would never forget the nurses back as she took him out the door; her baby disappearing out of her life forever.
The nose. The fingers. The cheeks. The eyes. That beautiful scream, still echoing in her mind. She would not sleep that night.
Again, all feedback is good feedback. Constructive criticism is what makes me improve, without it I'll forever be stuck at the same level.