Hey Bill

Tips on being a werewolf, from Jacob Black.

A/N: Written while "doing homework". I thought it'd be kinda funny to see what would happen if Jake explained all the glory to Bill, who supposedly is a werewolf but doesn't display any of the freaking qualities in Deathly Hallows. So I tried really, really, hard to do my homework, and my brain made the connection; werewolf, werewolf. And since I thought Lupin would be, erm, too busy with Tonks (behold! Sexual innuendo!), Jakey boy gets his day in the sun.

Disclaimer: Seth Clearwater is tied to me by being my fictionally wedded hubby, but I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter.

Dear Bill,

I heard you're bitten by a werewolf. Join the club. Well, I wasn't bitten, I was kinda born into it. Well, I'm part of this tribe of Native Americans, and the sons (and actually a daughter too- Leah, who hasn't shut up since I began this letter. She fancies your brother with a strange passion.) When a clan of vampires arrive nearby and reside for awhile, we begin to become werewolves again.

Here's some things you might want to remember:

Always pack extra jeans. When phasing, you will rip your clothing to shreds and trust me, you don't want to be left near the freeway without any clothing hiding your ass.

You don't have to wear a shirt anymore because you run at a toasty temperature. One less article of clothing to carry around!

Learn to tune out the pack. You don't want to keep hearing "Sam. Sam. I HATE SAM. Sam…" into the night, courtesy of Leah. Also, it gets annoying when Seth ruins the end of movies, "And then the guy was never dead after all! He just rises up out of the ashes and kills the best friend of that girl who dumped him! Man, it was epic; you had to be there." Let us not forget the time where Quil had snuck into "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" and graciously relived every bit of it. Seth is now scarred.

You heal faster. So if you accidentally grab a knife by its blade, don't freak. It'll heal in minutes. Vampire wounds on the other hand…

When all else fails, run. Run like the wind, run like breeze, "Run, Forrest, Run!". It's the best escape for stress, heartache, turmoil, heartbreak, anger, and wanting to kill your lover's boyfriend.

Vampires reek, stay away from them.

Beware of imprinting. You'll look at someone, and choose a mate unconsciously. If you want to avoid major complications, (Sam and Leah have their own crap like that), just do it in some random place. Don't imprint on your lover's cousin! Even if she is really hot.

Don't fall head over heels in love. It only leads to heartbreak. And the person you love marrying a vampire who's going to turn her into a vampire herself then her heart'll stop beating and that will just be the end of that.

Don't remember anything about the person you love… because they will just marry a vampire and mess up everything for you.

Develop a dislike for vampires; even the good ones. Form an alliance to protect the one you love, though. Even though they'll go wind up marrying a vampire.

Don't believe the werewolf movies about full-moon attacks and crap. You phase yourself when feeling emotional, or upon request.

You won't age until you have enough control to stop the werewolf transformations forever. So, you may be 16 going on… 16 for a very long time. (I don't know how old you are.)

Though you won't age, your body will still mature. Now that's more awkward than puberty itself.

You'll be hungry. Very, very hungry. An excuse to eat loads.

Keep the ones you love away from you until you develop control; Sam has had that experience…

And that's it. Call me with any questions… or if you want to help me get rid of Edward Cullen. [Note: there would be scratches here, but Microsoft word doesn't' exactly let Jacob or me scratch in some scratches for the sake of scratching and showing angst.]

Best of Luck,

Jacob Black

"Beeel? What are you reading?" Fleur asked her husband as he spent a good long hour looking at a letter.

"Looking at junk mail; Errol is now delivering across fictional worlds," Bill said with a sigh.

"So, what iz eet?" She asked.

"An outlet for some angsty teenager to let out some emotions about their current situation." He quickly added, "who doesn't know a damn about werewolves" under his breath.

"I didn't know 'Arry wrote to you like a diary."

"You have a point… the angst, the imagination… If Jacob is Harry… Leah could be Hermione, maybe, Ron could be Sam, the person Jacob keeps complaining about heartbreak is Ginny, Seth could be Neville, quite possibly, and Quil could be…Fred or George?"

"Then who would Edward Cool-en be?" Fleur asked. As they both thought about this for a few moments, they answered in unison.

"Krum."

"Maybee, it was Ron who wrote thee letter then?" Fleur asked.

"I don't know."

"Maybee it was Fred or George!"

"Please; maybe it was some idea from some woman in Arizona and it sprouted into a new phenomenon series turned movie where one of the characters looked a lot like someone we once knew but died by the hand of you-know-who's servant who we secretly harbored as a pet."

"You're crazee, but I like it," Fleur said as she kissed Bill's forehead.

Later on…

"Leah, this was the worst plan ever. Why the hell'd you make me write to that guy?!" Jacob exclaimed.

"Because this owl just randomly showed up here… actually he flew into my window. The little tag on his talon says 'Errol' I thought it would be cool… and it would give you a place to vent."

"But how did you know the guy who wrote this?"

"Well, I read about this guy once, and I'm thinking maybe you to could talk so I wouldn't have to hear your damn conversations in my head anymore. I swear Jacob, if you have one more night of 'Bella… damn you Edward. Bella… damn you Cullen family. Bella… I still love you… but you want to be a vampire. Damn you Bella…' I will kill myself."

"Good- I'll finally get to stop hearing you drop the F-bomb-you combo in front of Sam's name every night." Just as a fight was about to break out, Seth came clambering in.

"Hey guess what guys I saw this new movie and at the end the guy who everyone thought was going to bite his girlfriend just-."

"SHUT UP, SETH!" Leah and Jacob both shouted.

A/n: Yay for fanfiction! Found this in the crypt of my hard-drive. Reviews are awesomeness! *e-hug* Love, Allison