Disclaimer: Don't own HP or anything associated with it.
A/N: This little fic came out of a conversation about how impractical it is for a Dark Lord to kill Florean Fortescue. How did such a travesty come about? Who would supply the ice cream under Voldemort's regime? Surely even Death Eaters aren't immune toice cream? And whatreallyhappens at a Dark Revel?
A bit of silliness. Not to be taken seriously. XD
Too much of a good thing
It wasn't that they had the munchies. And it certainly wasn't that they were comfort eating, because as everyone knows, Death Eaters do not comfort eat. It just sort of – happened. Narcissa wouldn't see it that way, however, and that sent a shudder of dread down Lucius Malfoy's spine.
It all started one rather uneventful night at a Dark Revel. The Death Eaters were to meet at Yaxley's before proceeding on to the night's agenda. They had all turned up more or less on time, except Greyback who was the sort of person to always arrive at half nine when everyone's expected at seven. Everyone was wearing their robes and Death Eater masks, which they then took off, because while masks are great for creating dramatic effect, they are much less practical when someone offers you a lemon biscuit. Then everyone sat around for a bit, having tea and waiting for the werewolf to turn up. Lucius Malfoy didn't like Yalxey's house; he thought the furniture was quite dreary and the whole place always seemed to smell of cabbage.
The Dark Lord had just begun stirring his two-and-a-half sugars into his third cup of tea when, at last, Fernir came stumbling through the Floo, looking scruffy and entirely unapologetic.
"Right," said Voldemort with much gusto, "let usss be on our way! The night isss ssstill young, if not asss young assss it wasss two and a half hoursss ago, and we have a revel to commence."
Fernir shifted slightly and looked affronted when the Dark Lord shot him a meaningful look before commencing to outline their plans, "Tonight we shall pay a visit to a muggle ssssettlement, and we leave none alive! Let Dumbledore and his pathetic ssssycophants learn the price of their defiance! Come, we have mugglesss to dessst-"
The Dark Lord broke off what promised to be a suitably dramatic and terrifying (if somewhat lisped) tirade – the sort of tirade that should rightfully have been punctuated by flashes of lightning and well-timed rolls of thunder. He then proceeded to stare at Yaxley, who was looking a bit antsy.
"What isss it, Yaxley?" Voldemort hissed in the long-suffering tones of someone who had just started to get into their monologue, and who had an inkling that their evil plan was about to be thwarted once again.
"Er…well, erm –" the Death Eater in question shifted a bit more while everyone else stood around, looking at him impatiently.
"Yes, spit it out already, Yaxley!" That could only have been Snape, who disliked verbal salad almost as much as he disliked Yaxley.
"Well, you see, my lord, we could, as you say, go to the muggle settlement, and torture muggles, and all that – you know how much I particularly enjoy the odd bit of torture and mayhem," Yaxley's eyes flashed momentarily at a pile of flat rectangular boxes laid out on his coffee table, "But, well, I was bored this afternoon, and I sort of went into the local DVD hire. Just for research purposes, of course!" He was quick to add the last bit, before anyone said anything scornful.
"Yesss…"
"And…well, they have this 'five for five quid' deal on Wednesdays, where you get to pick five DVDs to watch, and I got sort-of carried away. So, I thought, we could all just stay in tonight and watch them. I've got popcorn and chocolate frogs and –"
"You want us to watch DVDs?" Snape again, unmistakably.
"Well, yes. I've got the old Star Wars and Sleepless in Seattle and…The Notebook."
"I love The Notebook," stated Voldemort, his scarlet eyes narrowed thoughtfully, "I did go and see it three times when it came out."
"Oh, yes, especially that bit at the end –" began Malfoy, who was a complete git and gave out spoilers just to be spiteful.
"Well, I have never seen it," interrupted Snape, choosing to ignore the people who shot him looks of disbelief at this pronouncement.
"That sssettlesss it then." As the Dark Lord, Voldemort felt that he should get veto on what they would watch.
"That Noah, he's so dreamy," said Alecto Carrow, with a soppy grin on her face. The expression made Lucius somewhat queasy. He had never heard her use the word 'dreamy' before, and hoped never to do so again.
Bellatrix Lestrange snorted disdainfully. "Please. He's got nothing on Edward Cullen. I mean, for one thing, Edward's a vampire. He's better than everyone else, he's super strong, ridiculously good looking…"
"…extremely drippy…" supplied Amicus Carrow, to a round of nods from most of the others. Amicus had been forced to read Twilight by his sister and was still recovering. Azkaban, he felt, had nothing on Stephanie Meyer.
"Shut up, Amicus, or I'll –" but they never found what Bellatrix was going to threaten him with, because Voldemort chose that moment to interrupt.
"Enough!" ordered the Dark Lord. He had, of late, heard one too many of Bella's "Team Edward" rants, and he felt that if he was going to blow off carrying out his dark plans yet again, he wasn't about to spend the night listening to another one. "Now, I think we'll begin with Sssstar Warsss. I don't think I could handle Meg Ryan jusssst now. Yaxley, bring out that pop-corn, will you?"
Everyone settled on the various couches around the TV screen while Yaxley set up the DVD player before scurrying off to make the popcorn. He had gotten the new Insta-pop brand. The box claimed that the pop-corn would be perfectly made with just a flick of a wand. Yaxley felt that it always came out a bit burnt that way and so endeavoured to do only two thirds of a flick instead.
"Muggle inventions are an abomination," stated Lucius Malfoy, getting comfortable in the seat that had the best view of the screen – he felt he ought to present at least a token protest.
OOO
Voldemort had only let them watch Episode IV before insisting that they watch The Notebook next. Amicus Carrow, who pointed out that that made no sense continuity-wise, and that they should finish up to Episode VI first, quickly lost his pop-corn privileges. Voldemort felt it important that they should know who was in charge.
One hundred and twenty three minutes later, they were all in various stages of crying their eyes out. Even Amicus, who had insisted that the movie was stupid over-emotional tripe, was sniffling in his arm chair. A box of tissues was being passed from person to person; the pop-corn, chocolate frogs and a selection of other sweets, were entirely forgotten.
"That was…so…romantic!" Alecto gasped out between sobs, as the credits started to roll.
"The way they died…together…ssssimultaneoussssly!" agreed the Dark Lord, also sobbing.
"You know, I could really go for some ice-cream right now," Greyback whispered brokenly.
And that was how they ended up in Diagon Alley, still reeling from the movie.
"Wasn't it wonderful how he wrote her a letter every day?" Voldemort was saying to Snape, who was still looking all blotchy and cried-out. Snape was the most affected, as it had been his first time watching and he felt that it totally related to his life on so many levels. Next to them, Malfoy and Bellatrix were arguing over whether 'double chocolate' or 'chocolate cream' was the best ice-cream flavour. Malfoy felt that he was the better authority on the subject: he visited Fortescue's the most because his wife adored their ice cream, and besides, he hadn't been the one to spend the best part of twenty years in Azkaban. Bellatrix felt that she was the better authority on the subject because Malfoy was a pompous prat.
They put on their masks and approached the parlour.
Fortescue, who had just been about to start closing up, was more than a bit disturbed when a large group of Death Eaters entered his shop. The poor man began to weigh his chances of escape, while trying not to think of what might await him if he failed, when they started placing their orders.
Fortescue barely stopped himself from heaving a sigh of relief when it began to look like he might just come out of the ordeal unscathed. He moved to take care of the first order, when –
"What do you mean you're out of ssssugar conessssss?"
OOO
The next morning dawned bright, sunny and deceptively cheerful. Narcissa Malfoy came down to breakfast, looking impeccably groomed even in her dressing gown. She was humming as she spread jam on her toast; she was in a good mood. Lucius had promised that, on their date that night, they could go where ever she wanted without his complaining about it, and she knew just the place.
She took a bite of the toast, which was crispy and golden, just as she liked it. She was looking contentedly out of the breakfast room's window into the garden beyond when her husband arrived, Severus Snape in tow. Lucius came over to peck her on the cheek and the two wizards took chairs at the table. She glanced at them. Then she glanced at them again – they were looking a bit puffy around the eyes.
"How was the dark revel?" Narcissa asked as they poured themselves tea.
"Oh. You know. Dark." Lucius was hedging, she could tell. Snape's nod of agreement did not help assuage her suspicious. Narcissa carefully set her toast down on her plate and proceeded to stare at them until one of them cracked; she suspected it would be Lucius. She was proved right not three minutes later.
"You watched The Notebook?" asked Nacrissa, eyeing them both over her coffee. Narcissa thought that it was a silly tear-jerker aimed primarily at teenaged girls and romance fanatics.
"Yes! It's such a beautiful story," said Snape, looking for a moment like he might begin to tear up again, "The way he waited for her all those years!" He gazed longingly into the distance, making Narcissa a bit nauseous.
Narcissa rolled her eyes. "Perhaps he should have just got over it."
"What! It was true love! She loved him in the end! He would have waited forever."
"Perhaps he shouldn't have been such a drama queen."
Snape scowled and looked about to retaliate. Lucius, who had a nose for impending bickering, decided to interrupt before things got out of hand.
"Now, my love, I believe you and I have a date tonight." He flashed Narcissa his most disarmingly debonair smile and kissed her hand. "Is there anywhere in particular you wish to go?"
"Yes, actually, darling." The witch was momentarily mollified, though she could take up picking on Snape again just as easily as she'd left off. "I thought it might be nice to go over to Florean Fortescue's. You know how I love that place! They have the best strawberry sundae in Britain. And, of course, it was the first place you took me out on a real date. Do you remember? Every time we go there, it's like we're children all over again. You looked so handsome in your silver robes…"
She placed an affectionate hand on his arm and looked into his eyes. Lucius was, for some reason, beginning to look quite uneasy. Snape watched with a fair bit of sadistic pleasure as his friend began to squirm – he would swear that two pink spots were becoming evident on Malfoy's cheeks.
Narcissa's eyes narrowed. "What is going on?"
"Well, Cissy, you see it wasn't my fault, really…"
OOO
"Your Dark Revel consisted of watching soppy movies and targeting the owner of my favourite ice-cream parlour?" Narcissa Malfoy asked silkily.
Lucius Malfoy foresaw many cold nights spent on the sofa.
Fin