A/N: Thanks to miss dugrey for pointing out some major mistakes. I re-read this story and corrected a few mistakes.

Hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I own Gilmore Girls. That's why I'm on this site and don't make money with my ideas... If you didn't get it. I own nothing.

One of my best decisions turned out to be my worst.

When I was in high school I couldn't wait to go to college. All my life I'd known I would go to Harvard. Harvard was my life. I learned and learned again to receive my goal. It wasn't bad, I'd loved to learn but now I think it wasn't worth it.

I had the perfect life. The relationship between my mother and I was great, we were real close; she was my best friend, my confident, my counselor, my rock. Mostly everything we did we did together.

My other best friend was Lane, I saw her everyday. We were nearly inseparable since we met for the first time. We grew up together, we've seen our happiest and saddest days. She was my sister.

But the best thing in my life was my boyfriend. He wasn't perfect by any means, but that just made me want him that much more. Okay, often I wasn't sure if I could count on him, he wasn't very talkative and there weren't a lot of people he got along with. He was difficult to say the least.

On the other hand he read a lot of books – just like me –, he liked the same music, we had conversations about everything and anything for hours, he came and surprised me when my doubts about him got the worst of me, and he would've done anything for me – unfortunately I never realized that until it was too late.

Back to my dream about Harvard.

Before my last year in high school my mother and I made a trip to Harvard. This short visit convinced me that this was what I wanted to do. We even took a picture of me in "my" future room on campus.

I'd been one of the best students in class my senior year and therefore I applied at Harvard – and at nothing else. Hearing the numbers of application forms my fellow students filled I felt uneasy, so I decided it couldn't hurt to try it at other colleges too. Hadn't I always been so pliable.

There, I made my first mistake. I listened to my grandparents and applied at their former university: Yale.

When the answer letters came I realized my angst had been pointless; there were just acceptance letters. But what should I do now? Fast I reduced my possibilities down to two universities: Harvard and Yale.

Yale was a great university, don't get me wrong. It just wasn't my dream.

However, thanks to my insecurities I didn't think I was really good enough for Harvard and I befriended the thought of attending Yale. Therefore I didn't know what to do when I got positive answers from both Harvard and Yale. I contemplated every little detail and I wrote my famous pro/con – lists.

That way I realized my dream had gone lost somewhere along the way.

The learning opportunities were similar but Yale was that much closer to home. I would be able to go home on the weekends, I could stay close to my mother and the most important thing: I could keep my boyfriend – like really keep him and not just having a relationship to a voice on a phone. That was if he would talk.

Everything screamed Yale. When I told my boyfriend my decision he was really cute. He looked up the distance between Stars Hollow, my hometown, and Yale – of course he didn't want to admit it he looked it up because of me, that would "ruin his rep". But he couldn't quite hide the blush that was creeping up on his cheeks.

I was happy, I thought I could take on the whole world.

Tough, this was the last time I was truly happy. Few days later everything began to fall apart.

I was so preoccupied with my final exams, people's expectations and preparations for Yale I didn't see the world around me. If I had paid attention I would've noticed that something wasn't right with my boyfriend. But at that time I had no idea.

We did fight more often than before, we fought about everything and nothing – it was infuriating. After the things I know now I should've given me food for thought but I believed he was just unreliable.

The last time I saw him was in the bus on my way to school. We barely managed to speak to one another because two nights before we had had a major confrontation. He promised me he would call.

Though I saw the duffel bag under the seat in front of us, I couldn't comprehend what I was seeing.

Then he was gone.

Without so much as a goodbye.

He was gone and he didn't even tell me he was about to go.

A few weeks later I received phone calls but when I answered no one was on the other end. When I received such a phone call again, I told him what I was thinking. I was so angry and hurt and I told him to call never again. Until today I'm not sure if it was him.

It hurt. It really hurt. It hurt like nothing ever before and nothing that followed. He had such a hold on me but I refused to surrender. For my mom's sake and for the sake of the whole town I pretended to be fine, that I was happy about my last summer before college, that I wasn't dead deep inside my core.

But I wasn't able to lie to myself.

Now I think my great decision about Yale was the beginning of the end. Of my end. The end of Rory Gilmore.

First, everything was great. I was attending Ivy League. Moving away from home, though, had been far more difficult than I thought it would be. I was so glad I'd decided to go to an university which was close to home. (22.8 miles like my now ex-boyfriend pointed out.) The first day my mother had to come back for me a few times until I was settled in. But, even that I could handle.

After the first days I stumbled over a naked guy in the middle of the night. It was awkward but soon, we became great friends. I still tried to forget everything. I directed all my concentration on studying and building this new friendship – after all Marty, the naked guy – was the first friend I'd got on college. My schedule was overloaded and I was forced to leave a few courses.

That's when it started. 'Cause I had more free time I had also more time to think. And the only thing I wanted to do was to flee my mind, to leave my thoughts behind.

Then, HE came back. HE was in my hometown, my hometown which he'd never liked. He had hated it here! And then, he did the unthinkable. He came to me. He came to me and told me he loved me! The words I had wanted to here all those months ago. He said he loved me and then he ran. He ran away from me. I couldn't even answer him!

My heart broke anew. I was under shock. I wanted to tell him that I loved him too. I tried to catch up with him, but he was already gone.

And I had to start right from the very beginning. He was back at the front of my mind. And I needed to forget him again.

I suppressed every single thing that reminded me of him. So, I did the same thing he did. I ran.

My first boyfriend still wanted me. At that time I didn't care that he was married. I was hurt. My whole life was better back in the days. I wanted those days back. We grew closer again.

He came for me when his wife was at home waiting for him. In the back of my mind I had a bad conscience. But I felt special. After all this time I felt special to someone, someone came for me, came running to me instead to run away from me.

And then, HE was there again. HE waited for me in front of my dorm. It was like nothing had changed. Everything was exactly the same. Jess was waiting for me and Dean brought me home. All I wanted to do was run in Jess arms and to hide Dean. I wanted him gone.

When we were alone, Jess pleaded with me to run away with him, to give us both another chance. I wanted to say yes. Yes, yes and yes!

But, I couldn't.

All I could think of were all the times HE came to me, and then run. HE didn't show his emotions often but every damn single time HE did, HE run a few minutes or hours later. I wanted to hurt HIM like HE did me. So, I told HIM no.

And I broke both our hearts. I wanted to follow HIM, but I couldn't. I couldn't run, I couldn't stand. I couldn't do anything but slide onto the floor and sob.

HE was gone again.

Now, I wanted more than ever to forget. I felt numb. But I wasn't able to forget HIS lost eyes. Therefore, I went to Dean. And I did with him what I always wanted to do with Jess. I slept with Dean. I slept with a married man.

Before we did it all I thought about was 'I want to forget HIM, I want to forget HIM'. But when it was about time I saw HIM there with me. As I came down from my high and everything was done, I broke together. I noticed that it wasn't HIM! I slept with a married man!

I felt dirty, I just wanted to throw up. To justify my actions I started a relationship with him. When I was in a relationship with him it wasn't a big deal that we had sex, right? That he was married and cheated on his wife with me, that I was 'the other woman', that we didn't had a relationship but an affair, never occurred to me.

Around that time I lost the close relationship with my mother. She was still there for me, but she wasn't happy with my decisions. I mean, how could she? At that time though, I thought she was stabbing me in my back. Slowly, we started drifting apart.

I hold on my relationship. Looking back, it wasn't real, we never really talked, it was just physical. But I tried to pretend. I tried so hard. Deep down I know it was wrong – all wrong. Even though I didn't know it my subconscious was searching for away to sabotage this whole affair.

Then there was Logan. He was so easy to be around. He was … different. Suddenly I spent more and more time with him. Although I didn't really like him when we first met – I mean he was a silly little snob who thought being 'son' was all he had to do and to be –, but then he turned out to be more than just a spoiled brat. He was actually nice. And through all the times my grandma tried to set us up I started to see more in him.

Then, Dean had to spoil everything. He had to play the jealous boyfriend. It was the same like back in high school when he punched Tristan in his face just because Tristan was a bit annoying. But Dean handled me like I was a doll, a little damsel in distress.

Hello? Defending: okay. Beat up a guy with whom I have to continue to go to school with: no way. Being my first boyfriend I let it slide, I wanted to see only the good things in him.

And then, there was this whole thing with Jess. Right from the start I was captivated by Jess. We had the same interests, read the same books, listened to most of the same music, HE did get my pop culture references which Dean never was able to comprehend. HE even recognized our snow woman as Bjork!

We both just clicked.

But if Dean hadn't been this jealous and overly protective, I'm not sure I would have get that close to Jess or at least not that fast.

Best thing was, when our relationship was over and I was really happy with Jess, Dean tried everything to destroy our happiness.

With Logan in the picture – and I don't mean in a romantically way – Dean did the same thing again.

He was jealous and then he insulted me. I was standing in front of him and asking myself what I had done wrong, but he never listened to me or did at least tell me why he was mad. There wasn't a single reason to be jealous about.

If he thought that little of me, then why did he sleep with me and started an affair? He should have stayed with his wife and nothing of this crap would have happened. But to end a perfect day even better he broke up with me in front of Logan and all his friends, people I had to go to college with.

Once again he disgraced me in front of people I had to see every day.

This was our final goodbye, I was so done with him. Sadly, Logan and the others had to see this whole drama. Fortunately, they didn't try to make me talk about it. Their way of coping is getting distracted and that was what they done with me.

I felt once again close to people. Something I hadn't done since loosing Jess and moving away from home. Despite it all, it turned out to be a great night.

Against my first impression Logan and his friends weren't as bad as I thought them to be. Even though they've seen me at my worst they didn't bull me and never teased me about it. His not demanded but freely given support and our work together for the newspaper had him becoming an important person in my life.

Even though Logan was still his old self in public I started to see more and more glimpses of his other side. He was nice and observant. None of his friends mentioned the incident with Dean again. And somewhere between coping with all of the college stuff and the Yale Daily News I started to really care about him.

I tried a physically relationship with Logan first. Because he didn't do the couple-thing. At first it was fun – it really was. I could forget everything around me when I was with him. But then I got jealous and I knew I couldn't pretend anymore. I needed to end this sex-thing with Logan.

To my surprise and I guess to his too, he agreed to try a normal relationship aka boyfriend/girlfriend. The next months were real fun. But then it happened. We did fight more and more and when he was away I was the happiest I had been in a long while.

I felt guilty. He was my boyfriend and I loved him. Shouldn't I be happy when he was with me? Out of guilt I talked myself into believing it. One day we got in a huge fight – again! It was so bad I needed a few days off. But then, he was so cute! He really tried to win me back – and I couldn't help myself. Damn, he bought me a coffee-stand for a whole day!How could I say no to that? Honored, I went back to him.

This was my next big mistake. I should've thought of with who I was. But no, I just wanted to see his sweet side. Therefore, I was thrown back into all the mess at the deep end. As the "reunited happy couple" we attended the marriage of Logan's sister Honor. I wasn't sure if I should be there because his family hated me, but I did it for him. As girl I was in one room with the bride and the bridesmaids. They were a bit much to handle but nevertheless, it was fun.

Up until they had too much alcohol. After a lot of champagne the bridesmaids revealed that every single one of them had slept with my boyfriend. I tried to be rational. I knew Logan had a lot of history when we got together. I had hardly managed to get myself under control again, when I got the next shock. He slept with the whole bunch of bridesmaids when we had our fight! We weren't over! We weren't separated! WE HAD A FIGHT! Nothing more and nothing less.

And again, I was being a fool. I forgave him. At least, I tried to. I pretended I was fine and tried to see this whole ordeal through his eyes. In the back of my mind it lingered though. And even though I didn't want to admit it I wanted to hurt him just like he did me. Being the good girl and girlfriend I was, I never went through with anything. My revenge plans never went further than my mind.

Being the jerk Logan was right from the beginning – or the one I thought him to be – Logan and his friends decided it was about time for another one of their Life-and Dead-Brigade stunts. They wanted to jump down cliffs with a parachute without one with a _? I didn't know and I didn't care. No matter what safety blanket they were going to use, this whole ordeal was plain silly if you asked me. I hated him at that moment! I tried to convince myself into our relationship and what did he do? He didn't want to listen to me. I told them how reckless they were acting. Told them about all the things that could go wrong but none of the boys wanted to listen. And Logan was an ass about this whole ordeal. He let it seem like I was the one acting stupid. Just because I wanted my boyfriend save and unhurt! After he left, I was sure to leave him too – definitely.

Then, I found something in my mail. An invitation. An invitation to an open house.

First, I thought it weird. Therefore, I looked at the postmark. Philadelphia? Who do I know in Philadelphia? I wanted to throw the invitation into the trash believing it was one of those ads everyone gets.

Feeling that there was something off I hesitated and decided to read it – boring ad or not.

It wasn't an ad. It really was for me. An invitation to an open house – for me. An open house in Philadelphia. There was only one person, one single person I knew who lived in Philly.

JESS.

I couldn't believe it. Jess sent me an invitation to his open house. Okay, not his open house but of his publishing house. Okay, not his publishing house but the one he was working for. It didn't matter, for me it was his open house.

His life was going great and what was I doing? I sat there whining about my life. Who would have thought? Back in high school it always seemed going to be the other way around. Mais, c' est la vie!

There was no option I had to go. The whole ride to Philly I was a nervous wreck. But I couldn't turn back.

When I got to the address on the invitation I just stood in front of the building. Though Jess told me about it the last time we saw each other it had never been real to me. Standing in front of the building, reading the letters announcing 'Truncheon Books' changed it all. It hit me. This was real.

Hesitantly, I entered. And there he was standing right in my sight. I didn't know what to do. It was all too much. I wanted to run, but my feet wouldn't listen to me. Just one look, one single glance and my feelings came rushing back to me. Shocked I realized I'd never gotten over him.

The afternoon was perfect. Jess and I hadn't time to speak with each other but to some extent I was glad for that. I felt awkward around him but at the same time I felt calm. It was weird how he was able to do that – even after all those years.

After the open house was officially finished he came over to me and we talked. Nothing had changed but everything was different. When we talked about his book he was modest. Jess never liked to talk about himself but back in high school he would put up an arrogant front telling everyone 'what else did you aspect?' and 'fuck off'.

Time changes people.

He opened up to me. I felt so special and proud of him. When he lent in I couldn't do anything but kiss him. My mind had stopped working the second I'd seen him inside Truncheon.

I felt whole again.

That was when it hit me. I felt whole again. I didn't feel that in a long time. I didn't feel whole that morning. I wasn't whole.

I had a boyfriend.

But that boyfriend wasn't Jess. I stopped kissing him and broke my heart a new one.

Telling Jess I kissed him to get back at Logan has been the biggest lie I've ever told. Logan had been the furthest form my mind the whole day. But I couldn't admit that. It would've meant that I didn't love Logan, my boyfriend, after all the time and effort I put into our relationship. It would've meant I still loved Jess.

I would've pretend to love someone – again. I didn't want to be that person. Someone who didn't care about other people's feelings.

So, I left. I went out of Truncheon. Before I left Jess told me, I could tell Logan that something did happen between us if it helped me. I could hardly reign in my sobs.

I walked out of Truncheon and out of Jess' life breaking both our hearts beyond repair.

Back in my real life – or what I thought what was real – I concentrated on something new. My best friend, Lane, was getting married! Unbelievable! I was so happy for her. At the same time, though, I was also so jealous! How was it that she got married and I wasn't able to have one, just one, happy relationship? But seeing her and Zack together made me proud of her. Lane did truly deserve happiness.

During their wedding I felt melancholic. When Lane and Zack got to know each other way back in high school – it still feels strange to say that, are we really that old already? - Jess was with me. Jess saw Lane's humble interaction with the whole band. And there they were. Lane, Zack and the band – without *Dave Rygalski* but still Hep Alien. And then there was she. Again alone.

At the wedding I was determined to end things with Logan. But I couldn't contact him and I didn't want to end our relationship via call.

But then Logan had a life threatening accident and I could bring myself to leave someone in hospital. And I stayed with him. Never feeling alive.

After the accident Logan's father sent him to London for business. I thought I would miss him. After all spending that much time together you grew accustomed to one another. That longing I expected never came. But I settled.

A few months later, my grandparents threw this huge graduation party for me. Shockingly Logan proposed to me. I pondered about it. I honestly did. Perhaps he was my only chance at happiness? The family I ever wanted? 'Cause I let my true love go. There wouldn't be passion and love and contentment in my marriage but I knew Logan and I cared for him.

But all I saw when I closed my eyes and pictured my wedding was Jess. He was the one waiting at the altar for me. He was the one who smiled at me. He was the one who protected me and kept me save. He was ….

He was the one.

Therefore, I knew I couldn't accept Logan's proposal. I declined him.

That was the last step away from university and into adulthood.

Old habits die hard. Shortly after, my life became hectic following the presidential candidate through the country and I ran away from all my conflicting emotions.

What a fool I've been.

Now, with twenty-four years and back close to home, I can't think of anything but Jess and what I did to him. To us. Sure, I have my work and my mother and she is doing a great job at distracting me but in the night when I go to bed I can't help but think about what went wrong. Every single night I re-live our whole story. The next morning my pillow is wet by my tears. I want everything to be like it was back in high school.

But … I can't do that to him. Though I am dead inside I can't ruin his life. He has a great job and he's a published author. He wrote books. Yeah, books – like the plural form of book. And he has his own life.

The inscription in his latest work read "To L, the woman I love". I can't ruin his life.

All I have left of him are my memories and my regrets. And I can't stop thinking

What had happened if I stuck to my dream and attended Harvard?