Piece By Piece
When Quinn tells Finn that the baby isn't his, she had never expected the silence. He just sat there, his hands balled up tight against his jeans, jaw clenched tight. She was trying to breathe as calmly as possible, but a tremble destroyed that façade, as if the tear streaks marring her cheeks didn't already obliterate any sense of calmness she could attempt. Finn stood up suddenly, making her jump more than she'd like to admit, before storming out of the room. For a second, she allowed herself to think about how he'd given Rachel a run for her money with that storm out. She smiles bitterly at the irony. After all, he'd probably go off and try to get some sort of comfort from Rachel, maybe even try to ask her out on a date. Quinn knew Rachel would politely decline, but refuse to mention her reasons. She appreciated that the brunette was respectful of her feelings, especially those that related to whatever their current situation was.
It had been just a few months since Quinn had picked Rachel up from that party, a few months since they'd grown into something more than friends. Even before they'd kissed she'd known that her feelings were something other than friendly, but exactly what it was she didn't really know. It was hard for her to call Rachel her girlfriend, even though she knew the other girl desperately wanted her to, because she felt like so much more than that. Rachel Berry was amazing and beautiful, with a voice that put most people to shame and a passion that made Quinn blush to think about. Every time they touched, it was like a shock that sent her heart into overdrive, and every time they kissed she couldn't help but let that feeling overtake her. It was a feeling that made her toes curl and her breathing labored, but most of all, it made her feel like she was loved. A feeling that was passion, comfort, and care wrapped and delivered by the most perfect five-foot-two messenger Quinn could think of. It was more than Finn had ever made her feel, and she'd called him her boyfriend for nearly ten months. It didn't seem right to equate Rachel to Finn by calling the brunette her girlfriend.
Quinn wiped the tears off her cheek with her sleeve, taking a moment to compose herself before standing. She wasn't really sure how long she'd spent sitting there after Finn had left, but she'd assumed it had been a couple minutes. As she opened the door and stepped out into the hall, she sighed slightly. It wasn't like she'd expected this whole talk with Finn to go well or anything, she'd just hoped that they could actually talk it out. Instead, she'd just ended up with her heart beating way too fast and her eyes red from crying. The blonde headed towards the Glee practice room, the halls devoid of their normal occupants. It was a good half hour after school, which meant fifteen minutes into Glee practice, so everyone was either home or at their respective practices. She'd always thought the place felt peaceful when it was like this.
Of course, it also made it easy to hear anyone in the hallways ahead of her, and Finn's angry voice cut through her mind like a knife. She picked up the pace, rounding the corner to spot the cause of the noise. Finn was yelling at Rachel, his huge hands clenched around her upper arms, holding her in place while he yelled. She was crying, in that quiet, ashamed way that she always did when she was scared.
"Finn!" Quinn's voice was sharp as she hurried towards the pair. She was surprised that she'd managed to sound that venomous when she was feeling so dismal, but everything about the situation was so not okay. He stopped yelling, but he didn't let go of his grip on Rachel's arms. His knuckles were white. "Let go of her." Quinn spoke slowly, her voice low as she walked up next to them. He shot Quinn a glare, then Rachel, before he slowly loosened his grip and stepped back.
"I hope she hurts you." Finn spat at Rachel, whose teary eyes were fixed firmly on the ground. "I hope she poisons you like she poisons everyone and that you know that you deserve everything that's coming to you!"
"That's enough." Quinn placed a hand against Finn's chest as she spoke, pushing him backwards. He just slapped her hand away with surprising force and turned, storming off down the hallway. He only paused at the end, just long enough to speak again.
"You're just as terrible as she is." His voice has more hurt than anger in it, and for a moment, Quinn allows herself to feel bad for him before he rounds the corner and is gone. Rachel had pressed herself up against the lockers, tears flowing more freely, her sobs more audible. Quinn tried to pull her into a hug, but the brunette only pushed her away, shaking her head.
"Go to Glee." Her voice wavered, mirroring the intense trembling that Quinn could see her doing. Finn was intimidating when he was angry, both because of the fact that he was huge in comparison to anyone and because anger was a rarity in his case. At least, that kind of explosive anger was. Quinn just handled the rush of adrenaline and fear better than Rachel did, and she was ashamed of it. The blonde told herself that this was all that was bothering her, and nodded slowly.
"Just…call me if you need me, or anything." All she wanted to do was press a kiss to Rachel's temple, like she used to when she'd wake up from a nightmare all shaken up, but she knew the girl wouldn't appreciate it. Instead, she just let her walk past her and head into the bathroom. Taking a deep breath, Quinn continued down the hall and opened the door to the practice room, finding the other nine members of the club sitting and listening to Mr. Shue talk. It was in that moment that she realized that she probably looked a mess, because even Mr. Shue had stopped talking to give her a questioning look.
"Sorry for being late, Mr. Shue." Her voice was quiet. As much as she wanted to burst into tears, she just kept her head held high and made a beeline for a seat next to Brittany and Santana. Much to her dismay, Puck stood up and intercepted her.
"Is it something with the baby?" He kept his voice to a whisper, trying to keep the rest of the club from hearing what he was saying. "Because I can help if it's money or something that you need. Is the baby okay? Nothing happened right?" If it had been a few months earlier, before Rachel and before she'd gotten kicked out of her house, Quinn would've found his concern endearing. Now it was just annoying.
"Puck, shut up and let me sit down." She really wasn't in the mood for playing nice with him, and she didn't really care if the rest of Glee was staring at them. As she pushed past him in an attempt to get to her seat, he grabbed her wrist.
"Just tell me what's wrong!" His voice had risen, too, but Quinn wasn't in the mood for humoring him. She tore her wrist from his grip, he hadn't been holding very tightly, everything that had just happened on the tip of her tongue.
"I told Finn, alright? That's what happened!" She bit with just as much venom as she had with Finn. "Now just be a good guy for once and leave me alone. You've already fucked up my life enough." With that, she turned and walked over to the seat she'd eyed before, sitting down with tears beginning to gather in the corners of her eyes. Brittany reached out and rubbed small circles on her upper back with a sad smile. Quinn tried to smile back and failed miserably, but Brittany seemed to understand and just rubbed a little harder.
Glee practice was halfway over before Rachel walked in. Quinn could understand why she'd gone to the bathroom to compose herself, she looked a little better than Quinn did. Still, no matter how well she redid her makeup, Quinn could still tell that she'd been crying. It broke her heart, just like it had before, just like it always did. She hated seeing Rachel in so much pain, to be so distraught that she held her head a little lower than usual just to bite back the tears. It broke her heart more when the brunette opted for a seat next to Tina and Artie, rather than the seat next to her.
If there was one thing Rachel wasn't, it was subtle, and it was clear that she was mad at her for something. She didn't exactly know what, or at least she didn't know what it was that was rearing its head right now. They'd gotten into a fight about whatever they were only a few weeks before, with Rachel wanting to make it official. After hours of spontaneous arguing and deafening silence, she'd finally agreed to give Quinn some time to sort things out in her mind. To be honest, Quinn still didn't really know what Rachel was to her, but she was important and she cared about her more than anyone else in Lima. She thought she'd made that clear. And she just effectively broke up with Finn because Rachel had said it was the right thing to do, not that she wasn't planning on doing it otherwise, but still. Was this really just about the whole girlfriend thing? Quinn bit down hard on her cheek as a preemptive strike against her tears. She really hoped it wasn't that, because she knew she wasn't able to give Rachel what she wanted. She still wasn't ready. It was hard enough already being the cheating, pregnant, ex-cheerio member of Glee club, and adding bisexual to that list was something she really didn't want to do. Not right now, anyway, she couldn't handle it.
After Glee practice, Rachel hurried out of the room like she was on fire, and by the time Quinn made it out to her car, she was gone. It wasn't until the blonde got in her car and slid the keys into the ignition that she realized she didn't have anywhere to go. It was obvious that she wasn't going to be able to stay at Finn's, and her parents would never take her back. Tears blurred her vision as she started the engine and began the familiar drive towards Finn's house, but they didn't fall. She just blinked furiously until she could see enough to not crash during the short drive.
When she reached his house, her stuff was packed neatly into the same two boxes and suitcase that she'd brought them in, sitting on his front lawn. She didn't bother going up to the door, any apology she could utter would fall on deaf ears. Finn hated her, which most likely meant that his mother hated her, too. At least for now, they did. She just grabbed her things and loaded them into the car before driving away. She was determined to just drive around until she thought of a good plan for where she was going to stay. Driving and moving had always helped her think, but she'd never felt this lost before. The street signs were completely lost on her, she was just turning and not really caring where she ended up. Not caring until she ended up in front of Rachel's house, anyway.
She killed the engine and just sat for a moment. There was no way she could ask to stay with the Berry's, especially not after the wreck that was Glee practice, and she could never ask something so hard of them anyway. Her fathers had always been so nice to her, even though she found out later that they'd known all along about how she'd tormented their little girl. They were far too good of people for her to drag them into her baby drama. But still, she felt this urge, this need to talk to Rachel, to ask her if she was okay. She cared way too much to just let it go right now.
The blonde knocked on the door, and Phillip answered. He smiled at her warmly like he always did, and stepped aside so she could come inside.
"David and I were wondering when you were going to show up." His tone isn't accusatory, only worried. Quinn let out a sigh of relief that she didn't realize she'd been holding as she walked towards the living room with Rachel's daddy. "She didn't say a word to us on the ride home, and she'd been locked in her room ever since." David gave Quinn a small wave from the entrance to the kitchen. He looked worried, too.
"Why don't you go see if she'll let you in. If she doesn't, you can come back down here and talk to us." Phillip spoke softly to her, with a solemn smile. "You look like you could use a good ear, and David and I are perfectly willing to listen." Quinn smiled back at him before ascending the stairs. She paused at Rachel's door, which was shut tight, and she found it eerily silent except for a few loud sobs that she knew the brunette just couldn't hold back. Quinn knocked, three times, before she leaned her forehead against the door and spoke in the softest voice she could manage.
"Rachel, sweetheart, it's me. Can I come in?" Her lips nearly brushed against the painted wood as she spoke. The soft sounds of crying abruptly stopped on the other side of the door, like Rachel was composing herself before she answered.
"No, you cant. Now leave, Quinn, I don't want you here." Her voice was far from venomous, but it certainly was stern, and Quinn didn't have the energy to fight with her.
"Okay." The blonde replied, before turning away from the door and walking back downstairs. It was like David and Phillip had been expecting her rejection, because they were sitting at the table with two cups of coffee for themselves and an impossibly full mug of fresh hot chocolate for Quinn. For some reason, the sentiment made tears well up in her eyes as she sat down. Rachel's fathers just smiled. They'd always been so kind to her, and spending so much time at Rachel's with her and her family made her truly understand why the girl she cared about so much had always been such a good person. Even to her, at the times when she deserved it the least.
"So, what happened today?" David asked, his deep voice much gentler than she'd heard in a while. Quinn told them everything without holding back. She told them about her drunken night with Puck, about lying to Finn, about getting kicked out of her house, about telling Finn and about how scared she'd been of his anger. She told them about finding him yelling at Rachel, holding her much tighter than ever appropriate, and she told them about the terrible mess that was Glee club, and then driving to Finn's to find her stuff out on the lawn. By the end she was in tears and Phillip had scooted his chair over so he could wrap a comforting arm around her shoulders.
"Everyone's going to hate me when Finn comes back and tells everyone what I told him." Quinn muttered quietly through her tears. "I knew it was going to happen before I talked to him, but I figured I'd be okay because I'd still have Rachel. And now she's mad at me and I don't know what I did and I don't know how to fix it."
"Rachel tends to be…" Phillip paused, shooting a look to David that made him smile. "Difficult when she's upset."
"What about this. You can stay here and hang out until Rachel comes out of her room. She can never stay in there all night, she'll get hungry eventually, and by the time she does she'll be cooled down a bit." David offered, and Quinn just nodded in return. She ended up spending the rest of the evening relaxing with Rachel's dads in the living room, watching TV and working on whatever they needed to work on. It was more comfortable than she'd ever been in her own home, which was something she realized with a high level of bitterness.
Quinn hadn't even realized she dozed off until she woke up on the couch with a quilt draped over her body. She blinked rapidly, taking a few moments to read the digital clock on the cable box. It was just past 3 a.m. She figured she must've fallen asleep while waiting up for Rachel and her dads had been content to just let her sleep. She was grateful for their hospitality, but it really wasn't helping her put her fist down when it came to where she could and could not stay. Rustling noises were coming from the kitchen, and the blonde sat up to see a dim light emanating from the doorway, likely from the light of the fridge. Maybe Rachel got hungry after all. She stood up, throwing the quilt on the couch as she went, walking quietly into the doorway.
"Rachel-" She was cut off when Rachel jumped in surprise and hit her head on the handle to the freezer door, recoiling with an audible wince of pain.
"Jesus Christ, Quinn!" Rachel spoke in a hushed voice as Quinn crossed the room. "You scared me to death." Much to the blonde's surprise, she didn't try to get out of the hug that Quinn had initiated, instead allowing herself to relax slightly against her. "I'm still mad at you."
"I know. I just wish you'd tell me why." Quinn was almost surprised at how feeble and vulnerable she sounded. She fought the sudden urge to keep talking and play it off as a fluke, like she'd always used to. Rachel had told her once that it was okay to be vulnerable and that it was okay to need people. And she needed Rachel, right now more than ever.
"Can we go into the living room?"
Once they were settled down on the couch, nestled under the still-warm quilt, Rachel sighed and began her explanation. Quinn didn't interrupt her, she was too afraid that the girl would close up completely again, even if the girl was rambling.
"I know that we discussed you telling Finn and decided that it would be best to just tell him about the baby and Puck and not about us because you said he wouldn't take it well and I agreed with you, and I know you said that you needed some time to think us over and figure out your feelings but I still couldn't help but be hurt when you didn't tell him. I just thought that after everything we've been through that you might just say screw it and be entirely honest with him, and whatever the honest truth was I hoped that it included me. It just…it hurt when it didn't, you know?" Rachel hadn't stopped to take a breath, so when she finally stopped talking she was breathless. Quinn was, too, but it was more like she'd been punched in the gut.
"I-I'm sorry for making you feel like I didn't care." Quinn's voice was as quiet as she could make it, but it seemed deafening in the nearly-silent room. "I was just sticking to what we'd talked about, because I knew he would freak out if I told him, but there was a second that I almost did. Then his hands were clenched tight and I was scared he might hit me, so I ended the conversation as fast as possible. I still think it was for the best, I mean, who knows what he would've done to you if I'd told him. Besides, I don't really know what we are right now, anyway…"
Quinn leaned forward in the darkness, towards the shadowy figure that was Rachel. She kept leaning until her forehead was pressed against the singer's, and she was still surprised when she didn't shrink away. Quinn could feel trembling, but she wasn't sure if it was Rachel or her.
"I don't want you to think that this means I don't care about you, because that's the exact opposite of what I feel. I'm just…I'm at a loss for what to call it. You're so much more than just my girlfriend, Rachel, and I don't think there's a word to define it. You mean so much more to me than Finn ever did, or Puck, or anyone else. It doesn't feel right to call you my girlfriend." Quinn didn't even realize she was crying until she felt Rachel crying beneath her, and when their lips met it was with such a hot passion and ferocity that it left both of the girls feeling puzzled as to what it meant. All Quinn knew was that it made her feel a tiny bit better about everything that had happened.
"I'm scared, too, you know." Rachel's voice was quiet and shaky, and Quinn couldn't help but feel remorse because she knew it was partially her fault. "I'm afraid of what people are going to say, I'm afraid of being shunned, I'm afraid of making all the bigots in this town feel validated in their ideas that a gay couple can only raise gay children. I'm afraid of Finn, and what he'll do when he finds out. It's worth it to me, though, because I love you so much and I'm so proud to be your…whatever I am."
Quinn's breath hitched slightly and she hoped that Rachel didn't hear it. She'd never said that before. Of course she'd said that she cared about her deeply, and that she was perfect and beautiful and gorgeous, but never the 'l' word. It left Quinn feeling lost, not quite sure if she should react or just let it go, so she said the only thing that she was sure of at that moment.
"I'm still not ready."
"I know. I'm just telling you that when you feel like you might be, don't think that I'm not afraid, too."
The silence that overcame them was nothing like the silence she'd experienced with Finn earlier. It was a comfortable, albeit mildly tense absence of sound, except for the rustling when Rachel reached out and searched for Quinn's hands, taking them in her own. She then stood up and led the blonde up the stairs to her room, shutting the door and pulling them both gently down onto the bed. Her room had a bit more light in it, so Quinn could see the girl she cared about so deeply more clearly than she'd been able to downstairs. She could see the tear streaks that were beginning to dry on her cheeks, her tousled hair, the glint of her eyes in the darkness. She could even see the deep contrast of the bruises on her upper arms, in the same size and shape of Finn's hands. Carefully, she pressed a kiss to both of the bruises, as light as she could manage to avoid hurting her. When she caught Rachel's eyes again, she could see the girl was smiling.
"Thank you…for earlier, with Finn." Quinn laid down on her back next to Rachel as the brunette spoke. Almost instantly, she rolled over on her side to look Quinn in the eyes. "He really was scaring me. He kept asking me if I knew, about Puck being the dad. All I could say was 'yes' and 'I'm sorry.' I don't know what else he was looking for…"
Quinn leaned forward and captured the girl's lips with her own, and it was just as passionate as early, but not nearly as desperate. Their kisses didn't stop, not until Rachel had slipped her hands beneath Quinn's shirt and Quinn had her fingers tangled in Rachel's hair and they were both breathing heavy. Quinn's lips traced a line from the brunette's mouth to her neck, tracing delicate patterns with the tip of her tongue against the patch of skin that she loved the most, making Rachel whimper and roll her hips into her. She dragged her teeth along the slick patch of skin, sucking lightly, able to feel the brunette moan through her lips.
In a fluid movement, Rachel softly pushed Quinn back against the bed, capturing her lips in another kiss. Her dark locks slipped over her shoulders and brushed the sensitive skin on Quinn's chest, making her spine tingle. Rachel's fingers traced delicate patterns up her sides until they reached the hem of her shirt, which was already situated on her chest. Gently, she broke their kiss and pulled the shirt up and over Quinn's head. Quinn would have thought that she'd feel uncomfortable to embarrassed, especially with her ever-growing baby bump, but she didn't. Something about the way Rachel kissed her and the way her hands seemed to roam with a passionate, yet gentle curiosity made her feel completely comfortable.
The blonde broke their kiss, gently taking Rachel's earlobe with her teeth as her hands slid her shirt up. She was rewarded with a high-pitched moan that made the heat between her legs all the more intense. Before she knew it, Rachel's shirt was up and over her head and her hands were roaming against warm, smooth skin. As she arched in to Rachel's kisses, the girl slipped her hands underneath her, making quick work of her bra. The brunette's lips followed a path she recognized, it was the same path she herself had followed on Rachel not long before. Quinn just shut her eyes and let out a shaky breath, reveling in the feeling of Rachel's lips and her breath tickling her skin.
It was a pleasant eternity before Rachel caught her gaze again. Her chocolate eyes were filled with questions, words Quinn knew she wanted to say, but she knew now wasn't the time to speak. Quinn just smiled with a slight nod of the head, before their lips met and their tongues tentatively greeted one another. Rachel's fingers blazed a tentatively slow trail down her chest, her breasts, her stomach, before slipping past the waistband of her pants. Seconds later, her fingers met wet folds and Quinn gasped into her mouth. Rachel giggled slightly, muffling her with a deep kiss.
After that, Quinn stopped thinking much at all.
Quinn sleepily blinked her eyes open the next morning, greeted by the gentle sunshine through the curtains and the sound of Rachel whispering. It took her a few moments to realize what exactly the brunette was doing. She was scooted down the bed, her head propped up on her elbow, speaking to her baby bump. Her mouth was close enough that Quinn could feel her breath, and it was startlingly warm in comparison to the rest of her naked body that was no longer underneath the covers.
"-and I'll be sure to play you some of Barbra Streisand's greatest pieces, since I know your mom probably doesn't play anything like that for you. It's important for every child to have a well-rounded base of musical knowledge, no matter who they are. You shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of lacking a proper musical education just because your mom refuses to acknowledge the genius of certain artists." How Rachel was managing to speak so vibrantly and yet so quietly at the same time, Quinn didn't know. A smile formed on her lips.
"Rachel." Her tone was more amused than anything else, but Rachel's head turned so fast she was worried that the girl might hurt herself.
"I'm sorry. I know I probably shouldn't be speaking to the baby because you aren't even sure what you're going to do yet and—" Quinn placed a finger gentle against Rachel's lips to silence her, before pulling it away. There was a long moment of silence, one where Quinn simply smiled and Rachel stared.
"I love you." Quinn's words surprised even herself, but somehow it felt right. There was no other way that she could think of to describe her feelings for Rachel in that moment. There was no protecting Rachel anymore, or protecting herself. It was obvious that the singer was attached to her and to her baby girl, and it was obvious that she was attached to Rachel. That she loved Rachel.
"I love you, too." Rachel beamed at the blonde, before scooting up to kiss her. Her lips then traveled to a second destination, placing a delicate kiss on the skin of Quinn's stomach. "And I love you, too."
Quinn grabbed the covers, pulling them back over both of their bodies, before wrapping her arms around Rachel and holding her tightly. It had never felt this way with Finn, not ever, not even when she was living with him. She'd loved him, but never like this. It wasn't the same as the passion that burned inside of her at that moment, the way that Rachel's smile made her heart flutter, or the way that every kiss made her feel like she was special. Like she was cared about, loved, like she wasn't as worthless as everyone at William McKinley High School tried to make her feel. It gave her hope.
"Will you hold my hand when she's born?" Quinn's quiet question breaks their silence, rousing Rachel from her drowsy state.
"Of course I will. You didn't have to ask." Rachel's words caused tears to form in her eyes, quickly spilling and overtaking her, making her body quiver. She could hear Rachel whispering comforting things in her ear, but it didn't really register. All Quinn could do was cling to her a little tighter and be thankful for the fact that she was crying tears of joy instead of tears of sadness for the first time in two years.