Fanfic Title: Promised Pain
Game: Xenosaga series
Pairing: Wilhelm x Kevin
Author: keadeblue264
Originally just named after one of the tracks from XSIII—the one that played during the Zarathustra fight—but then I found the lyrics and decided to put them in. I don't know what they mean, and even the site said that they weren't official. But it's something. My first published Xenosaga yaoi fic. Please enjoy.
Summary: He should have seen it coming from the very beginning. Falling in love with the one who gave him new life would only promise pain. WilhelmxKevin yaoi. Songfic of a sort.
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to the Xenosaga series or "Promised Pain" nor will I ever have the privilege.
Warnings/Notes: yaoi, AU, angst, slight language, some violence, conflicting emotions, possible slight-OOC, possible spoilers (depending on if you played through XSIII)
Dedication: To all the Xenosaga yaoi fangirls who are just as shameless as me when it comes to XS yaoi. To the ones who will put any two boys together, regardless of blood relations, and to those who believe that chaos is the Xenosaga man whore. And to those who have a severe angst fix. This is for you.
~**Promised Pain**~
He remembered where it had all started, the one event that had changed the course of his life, the meeting that had secured his fate as a martyr. At a point in his life when all he felt was sadness and anger deeper than any identified abyss, he was given a new hope in a Militian park.
Wilhelm, the enigmatic man with knowledge far beyond that of human comprehension. He offered Kevin something he yearned for with all his being. The chance to start everything over to the very beginning, the ability to see his mother again, the promise that was known as eternal recurrence—these were presented to him upfront, but he wasn't ready to make the decision, being but a young child.
The years came and went by quickly. He grew and became knowledgeable beyond his years. It was only until later while in the midst of the Militian Conflict where he was firm about making eternal recurrence possible.
Even if he had to die to obtain what he wanted…
To have a fresh start on a new life would be worth anything.
setipaso kamaliho miserere komaporis
amihoso iredito mistihoso kamalita
The subtle tones of Wagner resounded from Wilhelm's office aboard the Dämmerung, the sound being low for the moment. Everything was going according to plan so far, and it would continue to do so over and over again, throughout every future instance of eternal recurrence. It was all so perfect and accurate. It never failed to be achieved through his continuous efforts.
Kevin Winnicot, still disguised as Roth Mantel, was about to leave for Rennes-Le-Château with T-elos, his mission clear in his head. This was it; they were at the pentacle of it all. This one event would change everything and force more proceedings into motion. They were so close to their goal, only a little time remained before their efforts would bear fruit.
But… His inner feelings were choking him from within, hiding and screaming out, however much he tried to deny all and focus on what was important.
Shion Uzuki was what mattered to him the most. Kevin loved her deeply, was willing to risk all to see that she lived longer. She was the reason he discarded his physical body. She was worth saving because she was very special to him.
'Then what is this other feeling…for him…?' Day in and day out, he asked himself over and over again with no answer in sight. Something had changed in him, something that he couldn't readily accept. It was not right to harbor these…"feelings"…
Just when Kevin was ready to depart, Wilhelm spoke to him, quiet and empty, almost unheard in the soft music that faintly filled the space.
"Before you go, Kevin, is there something you wish to share with me?"
The question was plain enough, and perhaps even incriminating in its simplicity. Not that it would matter for long though. Once the cycle would begin anew, Kevin would not even remember that the question was asked in the first place. But all was not right with the young man. Though it was subtle, Wilhelm noticed alterations in Kevin that were not present in all the other cycles. He figured that it was insignificant difference, but if it proved troublesome to his campaign, it would have to be rectified immediately.
Absolutely nothing could be allowed to interfere with his plans.
Kevin stopped, stunned and horrified. He felt a barely noticeable facial twitch and a twist deep in his stomach, filled with moderate dread and the knowledge of a deplorable affection he felt like he shouldn't have. Kevin was at odds with himself constantly, quarrelling back and forth with what his heart knew to be real and what his brain believed to be a lie. One question permeated through the clutter of confliction. 'Does he know?'
That one inquiry struck him with anxiety. Just a small question, one that was so simple in its indefiniteness, made him feel nervous enough to the point of shaking uncontrollably. His fist clenched up at his right side, fingernails digging into his palm. What would happen to him if Wilhelm found out, if he didn't already know? Would he be punished? Would he be chastised softly by that deadpan monotone voice that haunted his every waking hour?
No, it had to be a lie, some sort of horrible mistake. He did not love Wilhelm, not in the least.
He closed his eyes and breathed out slowly. 'I love Shion.' It was almost sad to have to keep reminding himself of the obvious. Or what he believed to be the obvious. He had yet to figure any of it out.
"No."
"Hmm… I see."
The conversation ended there, but the war in Kevin's head still raged on without being hindered in the least.
setipaso kamaliho miserere komaporis
amihoso iredito mistihoso kamalita
Time went on ahead of him despite his state of mind being stuck in an unforgiving rut of uncertainty. However, he was given a slight reprieve with Shion.
He was happy to see Shion again in person after all this time. It had felt like forever since he was within reach of her. Their encounter on Rennes-Le-Château did not count since she didn't even know that it was truly him standing before her, still being in the guise of Roth Mantel. At first, Shion was horrified at seeing Kevin, the reaction being understandable since she was there on the eve of his death. She seemed almost hesitant to approach him, his Testament garb making her afraid. It didn't appear to be real, it couldn't be real, and yet there he was, physically standing in front of her.
But when the security guards of Labyrinthos apprehended her, he had departed before her eyes.
The second time he met with her on Militia, however, she was exultant, ready to leave with him immediately, even at the disapproval of her companions, especially her brother. She was devoted to Kevin completely, and he smiled in the presence of it. But the reasons behind the smile were not as they appeared to be. To everyone else, it appeared as though he was smug about her obvious disregard of anything except for what she wanted.
But on the inside, he wondered what it would feel like to have such affection from- 'Stop it! I love Shion! Not…him…'
His expression darkened noticeably, eyebrows drawn in and wrinkling the skin of his forehead. Why was this getting so out of hand? He should be able to stop these thoughts, but they continued to grow and fester like an awful disease. How could he be so affected by Wilhelm? The man probably saw him as no more than a close subordinate. They were around each other most of the time, but only because of their goal, right?
But he found himself wanting to be closer to Wilhelm more and more with each passing hour. Being away from him was starting to feel like pure agony, and he was having trouble containing himself when alone. His mind screamed 'Why?' repeatedly, letting him have no mental serenity. And he was getting fed up with it.
As soon as Shion was carried away by KOS-MOS, he disappeared as well, back to the man that was steadily filling his brain.
After giving his report, he promptly left for his room that was quickly becoming the only outlet for his pent up stress. He never destroyed anything in the space. No, this was the only place he could think without interruption. But this time, he felt like hitting something; alive, dead, nonliving, it mattered not. He just had to relieve himself somehow.
Holding back his real strength, he faced the wall and punched it, the sound of his fist connecting sending vibrations through the rest of the metal partition. 'Dammit… Why is this happening to me?'
He struck it again with more force than before. He was angry, he was saddened, he was confused—many emotions welled up and spilled over their barriers, and he felt so weak.
Kevin slid down until his knees came in contact with the floor, the side of his fist still beating against the wall all the while, pounding out a steady rhythm of his interior turmoil. 'Make it stop… I want it to stop!' Kevin thought himself to be a strong man, stronger now that he was a Testament, but on that night, he cried for the first time since the death of his mother. Salty tears trailed down his face in streams, free and uninhibited.
'Please… Just make it stop…'
No one hears or responds to the pleas of the silent. Everyone who has ever existed knew this to be true, and yet, Kevin maintained his mental demanding, unable to voice out his pain to anyone. He hid it from everyone, allowing no one to know the inner workings of his mind that he was quickly and painfully losing.
kama leliha istai hasa
kama lileha imarita
kami olito sorte leliha
kese oliha liha liha
This… This made no sense. He should have been in intense pain, seeing Shion in such agony. He was hurting, yes, but not as much as he thought he would. Wilhelm was torturing her in front of her friends, and yet…he wasn't dying on the inside? How could this be? 'What the hell is wrong with me?'
He looked over at Wilhelm, the man's expression holding no malevolence or anything else conceivable. Did he really feel nothing? Having no emotions made him inhuman, a monster. He couldn't love someone like him, could he?
'Quiet!' He felt like clawing at his own head just to make the thoughts stop. Kevin tried to hold back his feelings, and let his body function on its own accord.
Everything else was a flash of events going by too quickly for him to keep track off. Hurting Wilhelm in ways he would have never imagined, seeing the colossal machine go berserk, taking its excess energy into his own body so Zarathustra could be destroyed. It was all blurred and distorted in his mind's eye.
Was he doing this for Shion's sake? She looked extremely relieved at being set free and fought valiantly to assure that such a mechanism would cease operating eternally.
But…
amarita
kesti pasa kama lita
His surroundings were white, just like they were when he first died. Only this time, there would be no homecoming. Kevin felt at peace here—nothing to think about, nothing to question, just nothing permeated the space.
Kevin was astonished, however, when Wilhelm appeared before him with his ubiquitous detached aura. How could this be? Hadn't Wilhelm disappeared before him? Maybe this was where all things ended up before finally passing on. Wilhelm's head was downcast and his eyes gazing at where his feet were placed.
"I hope you are happy now, Kevin. You've ruined your only chance to ever be with Shion again. And I thought you loved her." The tone held no ill will, and Kevin wondered what Wilhelm was really thinking of when he said that. But it sounded slightly questioning, as ridiculous as it seemed when regarding Wilhelm.
Kevin answered quickly, surprised by his own declaration, "I don't." Had he really said that? On the inside, he knew it to be true. This was the first time he had ever voiced it to anyone, not including himself.
"If that is indeed true," Wilhelm raised his head, blinking indifferently, as if none of this really bothered him, "then why? Why did you still choose to stop me?" Wilhelm stared at Kevin noiselessly, waiting for an answer.
Those unwavering red eyes…
At times, they bothered Kevin to no end. Blank and unresponsive, much like a cold humanoid machine would have. Always piercing into his skin, making him feel exposed as if he was a newborn child who had yet to know the ways of the world. And, in a way, he knew naught of the universe. No one was born knowing the secrets of life, not even Wilhelm.
Wilhelm was standing right in front of him while Kevin had plead his case, and he thought that was all there was to it. He had predicted wrong. Now he knew that being in love with Shion was no longer a part of Kevin's drive to stop him no matter what. While it was true that they were being rejected by other wills, that couldn't be the only motivation.
No, Wilhelm wanted another motive. He wanted to know the underlining cause of it all. It bothered him that he wasn't truly aware of his own subordinate like he had previously thought. He felt a certain hesitancy in Kevin's actions. Though it seemed immediate, he sensed that Kevin didn't want to hurt him. But still, he did it anyway, in spite of what he may have been thinking.
Why? Why did Kevin do it? Why did Kevin's feelings about Shion change without him noticing? Why did Kevin wish to foil the plans that he had helped with?
sorte lite amadesta
Questions without answers serve no purpose to one who believed he knew all. Kevin had secretly managed to become a mystery to him in this cycle. And now was the time for that unknown part to be finally revealed to him. What was it that Kevin was trying so hard to hide from him?
Kevin smiled, probably a pathetic and hopeless smile that would have otherwise never been given life on his features. How it looked on his face, he wasn't aware of it at all. But out of all the expressions he made within the past few years, this one was sincere. This one was true. "I don't know."
He stepped closer to Wilhelm, his red Testament cloak fluttering beyond him silently. This whole space had to be the quietest place he had ever been in. It was only Wilhelm and he in this endless abyss of white. Kevin stopped a few inches from Wilhelm, his posture sure and confident.
"I knew that you would end up getting hurt over your endeavor. I would have never dreamed it to be by my own hand, however…"
It was true. As simple and almost unorthodox as it sounded, it was all too true.
Wilhelm's voice reached his ears, still neutral with no trace of anger or hatred, no hint of aggression towards Kevin being too close to him. "That was not your assumption to make."
Kevin continued to stare at the man before him, completely unfazed by the other's comment.
Wouldn't this be the opportune moment to kiss Wilhelm since they were both fading away to nothing? They would never see each other again, what could it hurt if he allowed impulse to guide him? He really wanted to with all his being, never before had he desired something so much. It sounded very romantic in his head, he was driven to just do it without pondering of the consequence. He could feel that he was close, that only a meager distance seperated their bodies. But at the same time, he felt so far off, eternally distant from the one he grew to cherish above anyone else.
Kevin didn't even get the chance to move before Wilhelm shot him down with words that still held their neutral base. If he knew what Kevin was about to do, he didn't let on.
"You are a fool…Kevin Winnicot."
setipaso kamaliho miserere komaporis
amihoso iredito mistihoso kamalita
Kevin stayed completely still, expression unchanged, as if he was not affected. But in truth, he could feel the hurt twisting tightly in his gut. He remained quiet for a moment, contemplating an appropriate response.
"…I see that now. Too bad it's too late to change anything…"
He should have seen it coming from the very beginning. Falling in love with the one who gave him new life would only promise pain. But simultaneously, he accepted it for what it was. He couldn't expect any return affection, not when the one involved seemed to have no emotions whatsoever. Wilhelm's reaction was an expected one, but that didn't mean it wasn't wounding in a sense. Then again, he had fallen in love with the man regardless of his personality, so what was there to be upset about?
He could finally admit it to himself without guilt or remorse or worry. 'I love you.' It was a final reassurance in the face of fading away completely. In the entire universe, throughout time and space, life experiences and heartache, nothing ever sounded so poetically tragic.
Kevin turned and walked away, smiling to himself all the while. When he was ten feet away from Wilhelm, he looked over his left shoulder, still smiling. He was finally free of self-conviction. This place had offered him the absolution he craved, the peace he needed above all else. "But at least I was a happy fool."
'Fate is so harsh, is it not?'
With that, Kevin Winnicot disappeared, to never be seen again by another's eyes. All that was left was the memory, and given time, that would eventually cease to exist as well. Human existence was such a fickle thing, cruel in its beginnings and ends, in its twists and turns.
Wilhelm looked at the spot Kevin had previously occupied, not really feeling a thing. No sadness, no fear, no regret, no doubts… Nothing. In the end, he was still as impassive as ever with no chance of doing any of it over again. His plans had taken over his life and everything for him was now coming to an end. He closed his eyes, thinking of it no more. There was no reason to reflect any longer. What use was there for such when he would no longer be real?
Wilhelm spoke aloud, "You were far too ignorant to see your own flaws." Whether he was speaking to the now departed Kevin, or even to himself, he couldn't very well say. Either way, he felt it to be truthful.
Never to return once more into the cycle that was now forever broken, Wilhelm allowed his existence to continue to evaporate.
In a single lifetime, many things can be left unsaid. In regards to one Kevin Winnicot, this was no exception. He was still very much human until the end. He made many mistakes, he caused others pain, including himself, he hid his real feelings from others, and he denied the one thing in his life that was real. Deep in his heart, he still loved Shion, like he still loved his mother. Like anyone would love a person who belonged in their past.
But now that his life was officially over, who was there left to love but the one person he could not have?
The one person who had given him so much pain, but had also given him a sense of love he had never experienced before.
lahare ilatore ilideta ilitore
Song—Promised Pain: Composed by Yuki Kajiura, Vocals by Tokyo Konsei
Author's Notes: Ah, angst. Such a joyous thing. Eh, Kevin's emo anyway. Oh yes, and back at the beginning where I said that Wilhelm and Kevin met at a park in Miltia, I'm not 100% certain on that. In regards to his youth, the XSIII database doesn't give much placement information. I'm just assuming that he lived on Miltia during that time. If not, then oh well. Not much I can do about it now. By the way, the white place Wilhelm and Kevin were in is the same white place Kevin and Shion were in at the end of the game. But in this story, Kevin and Shion never met up there. I hope you enjoyed this because I sure did, though it did make me sad. Aah, I think I still have my touch. Please Review!