Author's Note: A few notes, one this is best appreciated if you have read "Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds" first as it is a spin-off, and two, this is NOT CANON, for obvious reasons.
Striking green eyes filled with bitter determination and desperate struggling in magical secure magical bindings, "You don't expect to get away with this, do you?"
A leering grin from a French wizard, a slow curling of lips into something almost grotesque, as he watched none other than the English savior Eleanor Lily Potter, the girl who lived, borrowed agent from the mystical orient land of Konohagakure and her dark haired young student, faced the prospect of their untimely demise at a creature so dark and horrible that even the dementors of Azkaban were said to fear it.
He couldn't help a small laugh as he exclaimed, "But of course, my dear Eleanor Potter, you see, I already have,"
And then, suddenly, without warning, it all seemed to fall apart.
Eleanor Potter let out an aggravated sigh, a look of irritation crossing her finely crafted features, and she groused, "No, goddammit, you ignorant asshole, it's, 'No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.' I mean, is that really so hard, Itachi, is that hard?"
The boy, Itachi, did not bother to respond, did not even twitch, as the young woman continued, becoming strangely upset (far more upset than she had been only moments before), "I mean, really, I think we just have to bag the whole thing. Bag all of it! I mean, first Itachi refuses to order drinks because we're on duty, which, fine, but it's not about the drinking it's about the sophisticated drink name. Then, then he gets caught counting cards in black jack, which, fine, he didn't want to play anyway and I respect his ability to wriggle out of a situation. But you, I mean, come on, you have us right where you want us, about to face death by some sort of evil smoke, and you can't even get your line right! I even set you up for it!"
The boy spoke for the first time, a soft and strangely monotone voice that still managed to convey a sense of exasperation, "Shishou, are you finished?"
"No, Itachi, I'm not finished!" she snapped back at the boy, then she immediately began to continue in the tone saved for irritated mimicking, "It's a gesture of trust, Minato says, you're a peer of the realm, he says, that means that you have to show up every once in a while and maybe help them out, he says. How many missions has it been now, Itachi?"
"Five, shishou," the boy didn't even blink, and it was then that the wizard noticed how very eerily unflappable this child was, a boy who should by all rights be only halfway through his schooling, and here he didn't seem concerned at all by his surroundings.
"Five, three barely missing nin to track down that somehow makes me even more embarrassed for England than I already was, two equally embarrassing undercover investigations, and this one, which sounded equally banal, except for the fact that you decided to open an evil magical casino in Monaco. Not that I know why anyone would build an evil magical casino, but who am I to argue with opportunity," the light seemed to fade from her eyes then and she sighed piercing him with a gaze filled with condemnation, "And then you, you and Itachi, had to just go and throw it down the tubes. Because Itachi, has no taste in films, and you're a jackass."
"Shishou," Itachi said once again, only to be cut off by Eleanor Potter.
"Seriously, Itachi, you're already stoic, how hard is it to get from stoic to suave? You'd think it'd be a hop skip and a jump. I've seen Kakashi be suaver than you! Kakashi!"
The boy did not look in the least bit insulted by that, but then, he'd never seen a boy so very emotionless before, "My apologies, shishou."
She scoffed, "Don't say it if you don't mean it, Itachi, I know perfectly well that you're beyond thrilled right now. You know, I never would have had this problem with your cousin Obito. Not that he was ever suave, but he certainly knows how to fake it til he makes it. You're not even trying!"
"My apologies, shishou."
"Stop apologizing, dammit!"
He felt control slipping away from him, no, like he'd never had it in the first place, neither was even looking in his direction anymore, too intent on bickering with the other. It was as if… As if he was completely irrelevant, insignificant, nothing and no one at all…
"Silence!" He cried out, watching as their attention slowly turned back to him, "You try my patience!"
"…Are you serious, Frenchman?" Eleanor Potter asked, but did not wait for his response, instead sighed and said, "That's it, I officially say that we are done."
The woman stood, the bindings disappearing in a great flash of light and fire, the shadows screaming in terror, and a blade arcing through the sky towards him only to land directly into his heart.
And as the darkness crept in and he saw all lights go out he thought he distantly heard her final words before she exited the room, "Itachi, I've come to an executive decision, we're booking it back to Konoha. Minato can send someone else if he wants to play English politics that badly… Maybe Orochimaru is free, I feel like he and England probably deserve each other."
Author's Note: Short, but well, I'm sure readers can fill in the blanks for how disastrous this got. Written for the 200th review of "How I Met Your Other Mother" by chaosmagez who asked for a fic where Lee and Itachi take a mission in a casino, prompting Lee to try to reinvent Itachi into James Bond, which of course fails miserably.
Thanks to readers, reviews are much appreciated.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter