All credits go to cranbs. She had this idea and she kindly gifted it to me and allowed all my ridiculous suggestions.
Thank you, dear friend.
xxx
"Into the blue and faded world of my daydreams
I feel I'm falling deeper everyday
Melting away down a dark and endless abyss
I'm grasping at straws and I'm chasing the wind
As I fall on my face over and over again"
Into The Blue- Sarah Jackson Holman
xxx
Into The Blue
Chapter 1
"Lanie, I do not need a cab. I'm perfectly fine. I'll get my cruiser and I'll drop you off at your place. Don't be ridiculous," Kate tried to reason. Lanie wasn't listening at all. She stepped onto the curb and waved for a cab. It was either providence or coincidence, Kate thought, as one came to a screeching halt immediately in front of them, nearly scraping the edge of the footpath in front of the Twelfth Precinct.
"You just had more beers than even Chuck Norris could handle and there is no way in hell I'm going to let you drive," Lanie said as she ribbed Kate gently towards it and relayed her Greenwich Village address to the cabdriver.
"Come on. You're exaggerating; I am not drunk. Look at my hand; it's steady as a rock."
She stepped away from the cab and extended her right hand for her friend to see, palm facing downward, fingers spread out, completely in control. It was almost too perfect to be true. Lanie looked at it in surprise for a moment but remained firm on her decision.
"Nuh uh, girl. I know you too well for you to fool me with your superhuman will power. Now get in the damn cab," she thundered, opening the cab door and not-so-gently shoving her in.
Kate gave up arguing finally, turning to face the cabdriver who was watching the drama unfold with a bemused smirk. She gave him a death glare and ordered, "Show's over. Let's go."
She sunk into the seat, leaning her elbow against the window, cheek on her palm, as she tried to sort out the jumble of thoughts running wild in her head. The devastating, not to mention horribly awkward goodbyes, she and Castle had said seemed to be the only thought her tired brain could process.
The scene played in her head on repeat- the way his eyes seemed to sparkle, smile hanging on her every word, face echoing the sincerity and hope on her own face. And in that moment she could've sworn he felt the same.
Then Gina materialised out of nowhere.
Sucker punch.
It had all come so easily to Kate after that- shutting down, swallowing the words along with her feelings- from vulnerable Kate to tough-nut Beckett in an instant. But somewhere, through her impervious shell, a squeaky voice of insecurity had crawled out and before she could stop it she'd said the words.
"See you in the fall?"
She ran her fingers through her hair now, tugging slightly at the roots to pull her back to the reality that was staring her right in the face.
Richard Castle had too much of an effect on her.
xxx
Her key scraped at the keyhole in the dimly lit corridor, a few curses slipping from her mouth, aimed at the useless lighting. Nothing but misplaced anger. In a further display of extremely uncharacteristic behaviour she ungracefully plonked down on the couch, burying her face in the soothing, warm fabric of the one new piece of furnishing she'd bothered to buy in her recently rented apartment. She wondered what evil spirit had possessed her to take up this impossible mission of telling Richard Castle that she lov-liked him.
Where did that even come from? She was not in love with him.
She needed a cold shower to wash her mind of these crazy thoughts, but perhaps, she thought, a warm bath would be more calming after the day she'd had. She set the water running in the bathtub before gulping down a tumbler of ice cold water from the fridge in a bid to cool down her temper. She begrudgingly sent Lanie an obligatory message telling her she'd arrived home safe. She was still pissed about the whole cab-versus-cruiser incident. What was up with Lanie making a big deal out of the whole thing anyway? Ugh.
As she slipped into the bathtub, she couldn't help but think how childish she sounded, like she was back in high school fighting with her best friend over the captain of the football team. Wait. Had she just compared Castle to the captain of the football team? Thinking about Richard Castle while she was in her bathtub itself was unsettling enough.
What was next? Poking needles in Gina-shaped voodoo dolls?
She chuckled in amusement at the sheer immaturity of her thoughts. And then in the spirit of relaxing humour, she considered a few more teenage methods of what Maddie used to call 'Tempest Control', including retail therapy, burning pictures, cake eating sprees and electric blue highlights. She could almost picture a very bewildered Esposito bemusedly inquiring if the Demi Lovato treatment had worked for her. She dismissed the thought with a vehement shake of her head, a crooked smile skirting past her lips.
If Kate Beckett was anything, she was independent and mature. She could get over this trivial crisis with a considerable amount of grace and without ending up looking like a teenage rock star. Ok. Maybe the blue highlights were a bit too drastic. Slight change couldn't be bad. Maybe she could wear her hair wavier or longer. Maybe she could dye it- a little less chocolate, a little more chestnut with just a touch of blonde.
Blonde? Gah.
Because blonde was what Richard Castle wanted?
The ephemeral respite that the rare bout of humour had provided evaporated all too quickly with that very disturbing thought. She hated feeling this helpless. But helpless was exactly how she felt after being robbed of her precious five minutes. Five more minutes was all she would have needed back at the precinct. And she believed she really could have told him, said the simple yes he'd been waiting for. If only she'd arrived sooner, if only she'd worked a few minutes lesser, if only she had worked up the courage to tell him sooner, if only she had accepted his offer to go to the Hamptons earlier.
There were too many ifs. And if she was being completely honest, she was probably kidding herself. What made her believe that Richard Castle, (jackass) playboy, (childish) millionaire, (exasperating) author, would've dropped all of his plans for her and carried her away to the Hamptons? It sounded ridiculous even in her head.
What was I even thinking?
The water in the bathtub had turned cold and it did nothing to bring down the surging, jumping flutter in her stomach that was equal parts anger and the pain of being rejected. She rested her head on the edge of the tub one last time, took a deep breath and climbed out. She wrapped the towel tight around her quickly, trying to avoid the slightly chilly draft that had snuck in through the ventilation. She closed her eyes for a moment, just wishing for someone to hug the cold away.
He hadn't even hugged her goodbye; just a cursory handshake because Gina was standing right there. The one he had chosen.
She was just beginning to ponder upon how unfair the whole thing had been when she remembered how she, herself had brushed off Demming. And he had been more than her partner. Demming- the perfect guy, the yin to her yin, rejected, sent away with just another relationship cliché. And in less than twenty four hours, she'd now found herself on the other end of that bitter rejection. It seemed the universe was having a rather pleasant time inflicting irony upon her dysfunctional relationships.
She splashed cold water on her face, and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Maybe Lanie was right; she was drunk. Scratch that. Maybe mildly inebriated. Not drunk, definitely not drunk enough to abandon her cruiser. She just looked exhausted. Her eyes strained to stay open after the rigorous case load but she could still hear the heavy pounding of her heart against her ribs.
In the state of semi-sobriety, she felt empty, weak, tired, physically and emotionally raw. And for the first time that evening, she let the tears fall.
Because it hurt.
It hurt so bad.
She wanted to run away some place familiar and safe- to the void within her, deep and hollow. It was a cavern of loss and regrets and guilt that she knew so well; a totem from her past. She'd been there before, back when she was just an ordinary Manhattan girl and fate had dealt her a cruel hand. She was familiar with this vacuum that had walls as thick as bricks yet brittle like glass- a vacuum that hadn't even allowed love to penetrate for so long. It was the vacuum that sucked living out of life but the only space that had allowed her to survive despite her grief.
She felt her emotions mount as her heart began to beat faster, threatening to shatter her rib cage until she could barely recognise the woman staring back at her in the mirror. Puffy eyes, dishevelled hair, wrinkled forehead. So resentful, so angry -at herself, at the universe, at the path it had led her on, and the one thing…the one person she wanted…but couldn't have.
She pounded on the glass in a sudden fit of fury. It fractured on impact with her fist, its surface rippling into a web of distortion. It startled her into shock for a few seconds as she saw a crack form, saw her lithe form in the glass web and noticed the few shards of glass that had fallen to the sink, aware of the gash at the edge of her palm that oozed blood.
The crimson brought along stark realisation.
This was so unlike her.
The last time she was wounded, the void had been her respite all through her recovery. She had recovered there and had forged her own path out, one of righteousness and justice and formative action; not one bogged down by alcohol-induced fits of destructive anger. She pressed her palm flat onto the cold granite, and leaned forward, so that she could feel a tiny fragment of the broken glass making its mark against her skin.
Enough was enough.
She needed purpose and direction to get her out of this bottomless pit. She needed a new focus, not a new partner or a new boyfriend. She knew of only one way out, only one war to drown herself in so deep that it would take an eternity to resurface. She knew the only way she'd survived before, the only resemblance of any solace-
The case. The case.
xxx
Thank you to Katie and Indrani for the beta.
I've got a few chapters written ahead so updates will be soon. It's going to be a lot of angst and a lot of caskett :p
Good? Bad? Horrible? Let me know.